I closed my eyes and held my breath.
Just turn away and leave.
But my body didn't respond to my command.
Take a deep breath and try again. You can move.
I opened my eyes and he was still looking at me while thrusting into the guy.
"I'm sorry." I mumbled.
Jasper tilted his head in an odd angle, sighed heavily and then squeezed his eyes.
And that was when I felt able to move again.
I was out of the storeroom and going blindly back to the bar in a heartbeat.
What the hell am I feeling? Why is it hurting?
It will pass. It'll just go away in a moment.
Why the fuck do I feel like crying?
I never cry!
I couldn't remember the last time I had cried. I'd never been a sensitive person, I'd never let things get to me. I had learned very early in life that pain was something we had to hide from others and avoid feeling... It was a weakness, and it could be used against you.
I hadn't cried when my parents told me I disgusted them... I hadn't cried when I left home... I hadn't cried when my only brother, the only person I really cared about, turned his back to me.
Why would I cry then?
So I didn't.
I threw myself into the work at hand. I asked Noah to get the sodas and he went promptly since he needed some too, and I never had to go back to that infamous storeroom that night.
Time passed unacknowledged. After a while, I was so focused on serving drinks and being agile that I had no fucking idea if the night was ending or still just in the beginning. I didn't care... I just didn't want to think, I needed to keep myself busy.
I only noticed it was almost time to go home once the music stopped. I felt a little calmer then, but I knew I couldn't be in my head, otherwise, I would think about what I didn't want to and consequently feel what I was avoiding.
The truth was I didn't want to look into the strange emotion spreading viciously inside me. I knew if I did I would have to admit something I wasn't ready to.
I needed some distraction fast, and I knew I couldn't simply go home and be alone. I started to think of places to go and things to do.
"You're okay?" I heard his smooth voice and looked to the side and up.
Ryan's squinty almond-shaped eyes seemed slightly worried. Or maybe it was just an impression.
"Just fine." I smiled at him but I was sure he could see the effort I was making.
He nodded, his sleek black hair falling over his forehead.
He would be a great company.
I'm not sure what came over me to suddenly feel so bold. I had never asked someone out, and I was pretty sure Ryan was straight, but he was the one person I was closer to in the club...
"Are you going home after here?" I asked impulsively.
Ryan looked at me and I could promptly and clearly read the surprise in his eyes.
"Actually no. I'm meeting some friends." He sounded hesitant.
"Oh, nice." I replied, the bravado of my impulse fading fast and definitely, leaving the embarrassment of my stupid self-consciousness behind.
I looked away from him, feeling like an idiot for considering, even if for a split second, that a guy like him would want to hang out with me.
"Why?" I heard him asking.
As our eyes met again, I identified his curiosity.
I shrugged, feeling my cheeks warm.
"I'm too wired, I just don't wanna go home right now." I was honest. "I was gonna ask if you wanted to grab something to eat, but it's okay. I'll go by myself."
"Come with me." He hastened to say and then he looked away for a split second before bringing his eyes back to mine again. "It's a birthday party and there will be plenty of food."
This subtle tension arose. I wasn't sure if he could feel it, but I could and it kinda puzzled me.
"It's okay, I don't wanna impose." I smiled shyly.
He sighed softly and carded his fingers through his super-straight hair while leaning against the counter turned to me. That brought him down to my height. And since his face was leveled with mine and the lights were all on, I could see it with clarity.
I knew he was exotic and charming, and a very nice guy, but... It was actually the first time I really saw him. With some wonder, I noticed his bowl cut and how it matched perfectly his Asian facial traits.
"I want you to come." He said seriously.
"You do?" It scaped before I could hold in.
What's with you lately?
Ryan smiled and his eyes almost closed. I found it endearing.
"I do." He answered simply.
I realized a second after I moved, that I had stepped closer to him.
"You don't have to do this out of worry, Ryan, I'm really okay." I gave him an easy way out.
He smiled crookedly.
"Not doing it outta worry." He assured me while straightening up, and I followed his motion with my eyes. Ryan rested his hand over my head and ruffled my hair. "I'll grab my stuff and meet you here. Okay?" He arched his straight eyebrows.
"Okay." I answered smiling.
I was still watching him go toward the staff locker room when I felt his presence.
Swallowing slowly and trying hard to keep calm, I turned forward, finding Jasper standing on the other side of the counter.
I felt as if my blood had rushed to my feet. Then my heart jolted outta nowhere and started pounding unmercifully against my ribs.
Just don't blush, please...
But I could feel my face warming up already.
"Can we talk?" He asked in a low earnest voice.
"Sure." I mumbled. "About what?"
"What you saw in the storeroom." And then he sounded cautious.
I involuntarily looked down and took a deep breath. Then I looked back at him.
"I didn't... See anything." I affirmed, controlling my voice the best I could. "I didn't go to the storeroom tonight."
We both knew I was lying, but that was what he wanted me to do, so I did it.
Jasper squinted a little and I held his stare with a bit of difficulty, but I wouldn't budge... I wouldn't show him weakness. Right then he was Aiden, my boss, and I knew he expected his staff to be extremely discreet about his hookups. I was just showing him how professional I was.
"I still wanna talk about it." He insisted subtly, leaning against the counter and getting closer.
I stepped back unconsciously.
"I don't." It came out harsh and dry.
Jasper's countenance changed promptly. He was definitely baffled by my stance and attitude, I had no doubt.
He straightened up and splayed both his hands on the wood before me, his eyes oddly unquiet.
"Edward..." He started in a soft tone.
"Leo." I heard Ryan behind me.
Jasper looked over my shoulder and I turned.
"I'm ready." Ryan said smiling at me.
I smiled back and turned to Jasper. His eyes were still on Ryan and he seemed slightly stunned.
"Is there anything else you wanna talk to me?" I asked in the lightest tone I could muster.
He brought his eye to me and there were questions there, I could see them. He opened his mouth, probably to speak, but closed it and clearly clenched his jaw.
Jasper shook his head only once and huffed, and then I was utterly sure he was angry but had no way to know at what exactly.
"Can I go, then?"
He squinted and sighed. And then nodded.
I turned without a second glance at him, but my legs were wobbly and my heartbeats were erratic.
"I just need to get my coat." I told Ryan.
He smiled at me again before glancing at Jasper and bidding him goodbye.
Only once we were outside of the club I realized I had unconsciously held my breath.
"Do you wanna follow me?" Ryan asked me once I opened my car. "My car is that one." He added, pointing to a white SUV parked some meters away.
"I think... It would be better if we went together." I said timidly. "It's just... Since I don't know anybody..." I shrugged.
Ryan smiled.
"Come with me then." He offered. "I'll take you back here or straight to your house as soon as you feel like leaving."
I smiled back at him.
"Okay then."
We walked in silence to his car and I was feeling pretty at ease.
At least I wasn't in my head and that was good enough.
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter5#
"I can take you home now, if you want." Ryan spoke softly as leaning on the rail beside me.
I looked at him.
"I'm having a good time, I don't wanna go home." I assured him in a smile. "But if you..."
"I don't wanna go either, I just thought you did, 'cause you're here alone."
I turned my body toward him while taking a deep breath.
"You were engrossed in the conversation and I was feeling a little off..." I shrugged. "I didn't want to spoil the mood, but I'm okay, I promise."
He arched his eyebrows at me questioningly.
"Seriously." I chuckled. "Your friends are great and the atmosphere here is very comforting.
"Can I ask something?" He sounded cautious again.
I nodded.
"Are you sad?" His tone came out soft and very hesitant. I looked down. "I'm sorry, Leo, I just..."
"Edward." I said confidently as I raised my eyes to his. "You can call me Edward, that's my first name." He just nodded. "I don't know whether I'm sad or not." I replied honestly. "It's been a long time since I felt sadness. I think it was around the time I had just come out."
Ryan said nothing, he just moved slightly closer to me and paid attention. I felt weirdly inclined to open up... There was this thing about him that I couldn't explain that made me feel at ease by his side, and this was why I was closer to him than to the others in the club... But my walls were up and they weren't easy to bring down even when I wanted to.
Only one person seemed to be able to nullify them... But I definitely wasn't up to even think about him right then.
I took a deep breath.
"My life was a mess back then, I went through such a hard time... I just shielded myself from most emotions, I had to. And now I'm never sure of exactly how I feel." I concluded and looked away from him.
A couple of minutes passed before I felt his tentative hand on my shoulder and then noticed him searching my eyes. I tilted my head back a little so he wouldn't have to bend.
"I had my share of hard times when I was younger too." He told me in a low voice as if confessing a secret. "My family is a very traditional Korean one, so they never accepted that I wasn't like them, that I wanted to find my own path and not follow their footsteps."
He straightened up and pulled his hand away from my shoulder as I focused on his face. I realized I had forgotten he was not that older than me...
"But if I had shut myself up I would've never met so many good people, I would've never made the friends that are now my family. I would've gotten married to a fine and very young Korean girl and I would probably be working for my father now... I would be lonely, and bitter."He shook his head while smiling pensively. "I didn't do that because I would never deprive myself of the happiness I know I have the right to feel, just like anybody else."
I released a sigh, touched by his words.
"You're so young, Edward." He emphasized my name. "You can't avoid the best thing in life..."
"Which is..." I frowned.
"To live." He answered as if it was obvious... And it actually was. "And you can't live fully without feeling."
The truth in his words got to me... It cracked my walls a little and infiltrated, reaching my consciousness. But still, I wasn't ready to look into what I was feeling... So I held back a little, saving the ounce of courage Ryan provoked in me for another time.
I turned back toward the city below us, my heart subtly soothed.
"I shouldn't have worried about you getting involved with Aiden, then." I heard Ryan's comment and looked at him.
"Why did you?" I blurted the question out.
Ryan avoided my gaze and sighed.
"He's very alluring and easy to fall in love with." He said without meeting my curious gaze. "But he never falls in love. He can't."
I squinted involuntarily.
"Have you..." I started to ask what came to my mind.
Ryan looked at me promptly.
"No, not me." He affirmed, and the earnest way he spoke and stared at me left no doubt he was being candid. "Someone we both used to know."
I felt like an idiot immediately. He was straight, he would've never fallen for Jasper.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to assume you're gay..."
"I am gay." He told me with zero inhibition. "And Ade and I... We do have a history and our bond is pretty solid." I felt my eyes widening. "It's a long story... We've known each other for seven years and... We've been through some stuff. But it's not like you're thinking. We never got involved. We are and we've always been just friends."
"I wasn't thinking anything." I hastened to say. "It's none of my business anyway.
Ryan chuckled.
"I'm good at reading people, Edward." He said in a soft smile, his narrow eyes glinting with what I assumed as mirth. "I know you're drawn to him." I opened my mouth to deny it but he was faster than me. "No need to deny it, nor confirm, I don't need to know, I'm just saying."
I sighed.
He did make me feel comfortable enough to just spill the fucking truth, and I thought that maybe sharing what had happened would take a bit of the weight I was feeling inside my chest.
I looked down. I had affirmed I wasn't one to kiss and tell. I kinda promised I wouldn't say anything to anybody but... I needed to put that out.
"I've slept with him." My voice came out low and wary.
Ryan's silence made me curiously look at him.
"Not judging." He assured me, his countenance placid. "Just know that was it. Try not to have any expectations. Ade is a great guy but... He doesn't get involved."
"Yeah, I know. I'm not expecting anything. Actually..." I took a deep breath because what I was about to say oddly made me cringe. "He told me that himself."
Ryan frowned and subtly jerked his head back.
"He told you?" He sounded surprised. I nodded. "He actually warned you?"
"His exact words were, 'I don't do relationships, Edward.' after telling me he didn't want things to get messy."
Ryan chuckled humorlessly and looked away as if thinking about something he though very confusing.
"That's... Unusual." He mumbled pensively.
It was my turn to frown.
"Unusual how?" I asked impulsively.
"He's not much of a talker, not even with his close friends." Ryan's voice still sounded a bit contemplative. "But still he took the time to warn you about his no-commitment policy." He looked at me seeming really admired. "He usually just gets the guy, closes the deal, and leaves."
"Well, he couldn't just leave his house..." I uttered in a reflective tone while shrugging.
Ryan's eyes widened suddenly.
"Wait, what?!" He asked clearly baffled, raising a hand between us, a bemused smile on his lips. "He took you to his house?!"
"Yeah." I answered a tad timidly.
Ryan chuckled again and shook his head. His expression was a strange mix of amusement and perplexity.
"What?" I asked cautiously, completely puzzled by his reaction.
He was smiling, but his eyebrows were furrowed. He looked at me seeming as confused as I was.
"Nothing." He said distractedly. "Just a silly thought."
"Tell me."
Getting really serious, Ryan looked at me and heaved a sigh.
"He didn't toy with you."
I frowned.
"What does it mean?" I asked slowly, hesitantly.
Ryan furrowed his brows even more.
"I don't know."
We shared a confused stare before Ryan looked away and seemed deep in thought for a while.
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter5#
Three weeks later and I was still avoiding my boss a much as I could. Not that he was chasing me or anything... On the contrary. He seemed busier than usual, every night taking a different guy to the storeroom.
Our eyes would frequently meet as he left right after his conquest of the night, but normally I would look down or at the person in front of me.
That night wasn't different. The difference was me, feeling like I couldn't breathe all of a sudden.
It had been a cumulative thing... I had decided not to give in to the stupid emotion that seeing him with other guys caused me but, little by little, watching him getting into that fucking storage every fucking night wore down my strength and my determination.
I didn't want to admit it... I didn't want to look into my feelings... But they were going rogue inside of me, demanding my attention, and at that fucking night I simply couldn't pretend that they were not there anymore.
I held Ryan's arm.
"I need to take fifteen." I told him. "Can you hold the forth?"
He looked at me, smiled, and nodded.
I hurried past the crowd and climbed the fire escape stairs to the roof. Ryan had shown me the place and there was nowhere else I wanted to go on my breaks. It was unusually quiet and it was possible to see the city lights from there... The place was peaceful. And although I knew it was kinda Jasper's sanctuary according to Ryan, I had never met him up there and I wasn't afraid to since he'd never shown.
Walking idly, I tried to understand what was going on with me... I didn't want to look too deeply into my emotions, because I was utterly aware nothing good would come from it, but pretending I wasn't unsettled was not possible anymore.
I sat on the short wall with one foot on it and another on the floor. Folding my arms around my thigh, I rested my chin on my bent knee and gazed down at the city lights.
Is it possible that one single night with him caused these feelings? I thought to myself. Is it really true what they say about the first?
I shook my head.
I had had only two boyfriends my entire life and neither of them made me feel different in any way. With them, I felt excited and anxious, sure, but nothing more.
With Jasper... I had felt sensations and emotions that were totally alien to me, and that had been awesome but... Those fucking feelings didn't want to go away, they remained inside me and were provoking other unknown feelings that I simply didn't understand.
Sighing I closed my eyes.
I just wanted to stop feeling what I was feeling. I didn't want to keep experiencing that constant discomfort, the unstoppable sensation that something was missing... That he was missing.
He wasn't. I didn't have him, he wasn't mine, so he was not missing from my life.
But I wanted him... I kept wanting him to become a part of my life and I knew that was the whole fucking problem.
"Hey." His deep voice reached me.
Damn it! Speak of the devil...
Don't act like you were here in vain... Deep down you have hoped he would show up.
I fucking did.
I opened my eyes but I didn't turn my head to where he was.
"Hey." I replied simply.
I felt him coming, and it provoked weird sensations in my body, but I didn't move at all.
Jasper straddled the wall and looked at me in silence.
So fucking sexy...
I closed my eyes and heaved a sigh. Then I looked at him trying my best to seem nonchalant.
"Come to my place with me tonight." He asked in his stupid husky alluring voice.
"Okay." I heard myself answering promptly. Then I hastily shook my head. "No!"
I huffed and looked away, angry at myself.
"Is it a yes or a no?" His tone sounded cautious.
I looked at him while taking a deep breath.
"It's a no." I replied in a sigh.
You want to go.
I clenched my teeth, trying to hold back my impulses.
Jasper nodded slowly, his eyes boring into me as if he was trying hard to understand something.
"Please, don't look at me like that." I asked in a low tone before looking away.
"How am I looking at you?"
"Like you're trying to understand something." I answered without thinking and without looking at him.
"You're very perceptive."
That made me bring my eyes back to his.
"What are you trying to understand?" My voice gave in my surprise and confusion.
Jasper heaved a deep sigh and carded his fingers through his wavy strands. I realized that lately he often had his hair loose.
"Why I feel so drawn to you." He stated simply.
I frowned involuntarily and bit my bottom lip. Jasper's eyes dropped to my mouth for a second, but he quickly brought his amber eyes back to mine and sighed again.
"You're trying to understand something yourself, aren't you?" His question sounded careful and it came out in a soft tone.
I folded my leg and got closer to him. He didn't move from where he was.
"What do you want from me?" I uttered impulsively.
"I want to have sex with you again." He answered bluntly.
I chuckled humorlessly and squinted.
"What?" He asked in a crooked smile.
"Are you some kind of sex addict?"
It was his turn to chuckle and I suppressed a smile. I was seriously considering that possibility.
"Why would you think that?" He seemed amused.
"Isn't it obvious?" I jerked my body backward and frowned deeply while looking at him with skepticism. "You fuck a different guy every night, you just did it less than an hour ago and now you're here asking me to go to your place because you want to have sex with me again." I kinda ranted.
Jasper got serious and brought his face closer to mine slowly.
"Does it bother you that I fuck a different guy every night?"
"Yes." I blurted out and huffed, shaking my head hastily. "No!" I held my head and closed my eyes.
Fuck.
I looked at him while heaving a weighted breath and letting my arms fall loose on my lap. Jasper was staring at me with squinted eyes.
"I don't know why it bothers me, okay?" I admitted. "But, yeah, it does."
He glanced down for a second as if thinking, and then he looked at me with guarded eyes.
He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before shaking his head and looking to the side. Then he brought his gaze to my face and got even closer.
"Come to my place with me tonight." He asked again, this time gently, his voice slightly inflected with what sounded like longing to me.
I was immediately dazzled.
"Why would I?" I sounded dazzled.
Slowly, as if giving me the opportunity to avoid it, Jasper raised his hand to my neck and wrapped it around my nape.
I felt my whole body loosening up instantly.
"Do you want me, Edward?" He asked seductively, the tip of his nose touching mine, his eyes on my lips.
"Yes." It came out easily, I didn't even have to think.
Jasper softly captured my lower lip between his, and I felt my skin tingling all over... And as he plunged his pierced tongue into my mouth and I granted him access easily and eagerly, something became clear.
Whatever I was feeling for him, I couldn't hold back or ignore.
It was out of my control.
