The first month into our agreement, Jasper and I slept together practically every night... We were all over each other but the sex never seemed enough to quench our desire.
I didn't give up trying to know him a little deeper, to crack his high walls and reach the core of the veiled melancholy I learned to identify in the depths of his eyes.
Unfortunately for me, he apparently was some kind of master of self-control and self-protection. He wasn't revealing anything about himself, not even a little bit, and I had been constantly left wondering what would have happened to make him so reserved.
He, on the other hand, was managing to subtly get out of me a lot of information, but it wasn't difficult at all for him to get to know whatever he wanted since I was ridiculously unable to lie or hide anything he asked directly.
About his hookups, I really didn't know... I didn't want to anyway. And it seemed he had stopped taking guys to the storeroom, had found another spot, or was being really discreet because although I was being extra attentive to his every move, I had not seen a thing.
I was still avoiding looking too closely into my feelings for him, but I already knew it wasn't something ordinary or simple... The fuckedup thing was it was getting stronger and starting to force me to acknowledge it. I was doing what I could, taking deep breaths and pretending it was nothing, hoping it would simply go away if I ignored it. But deep down I could not deny... I was painfully aware I would get hurt, and probably badly.
Being bluntly truthful? I couldn't care less.
I wanted to enjoy what was going on between us while it lasted. I would deal with whatever happened next when necessary.
Turning the shot glass up and swallowing the tequila dose at once, I pushed the nagging thoughts away. Ryan, Alec, Noah, his girlfriend Nyrah, Petra and her boyfriend Derek banged their fists on the table excitedly as I put down the empty glass.
It was a Monday night, the one day that the club didn't open for the public, and the gang (as Ryan, Alec, Noah, Petra, and I called ourselves) was gathered to celebrate Petra's birthday that had happened the previous Friday. Jasper had kindly allowed us to use the club... Ryan had told me he would frequently do that for his staff.
I don't really need to say that this info made me a little bit more admired and intrigued by him...
"It's the birthday girl's turn!" Noah stated with a defiant smile.
We all laughed. Petra was so weak for alcohol... One shot and she would be good to go.
Derek put a glass of soda in front of her.
"You turn this after the shot and the night won't be over." He winked at her.
They were endearing. I smiled.
I felt Ryan's breath fanning my ear.
"You want that, don't you?" He murmured in an obviously amused tone.
It wasn't something I had been consciously longing for, but it seemed so nice having someone caring for you like that, that I caught myself wondering how it would feel to be in Petra's place.
The most impressive thing about it all was not that I realized I wanted that, however... It was how Ryan could read the unexpected yearning just as I assimilated it myself...
I turned my face to him and smiled while quirking one eyebrow.
"Like a book." He said, sounding cocky.
I shook my head while smiling and leaned it on his shoulder. He rested his arm over the backrest of my chair, his hand coming to rest next to my shoulder.
We had become closer along the last two months, and Ryan was the one and only person that knew about my thing with Jasper. He didn't judge or discourage me... He would often ask if I wanted his opinion before giving it, and he was always pretty blunt and honest about what he thought without being biased.
I could feel he was impartial, although there was definitely a vibe going on between us...
I was as aware of it as he seemed to be. He didn't try to pretend he wanted to just hang out with me, and I wasn't playing naive either. I felt attracted to him and it was obvious he felt just the same even though we never talked about it.
I wouldn't turn him down, just as I knew he wouldn't turn me down, but there seemed to be this unspoken agreement between us... We never made any big moves or flirted openly... We were both just letting things take their course. Besides... Since I didn't want to stop things with Jasper and Ryan knew that well, he was probably thinking that holding himself back was the best option.
And I honestly couldn't disagree with him. I cared for him and had no intention of hurting him or putting him in a difficult position. So I held myself back as well.
"Are you guys a thing yet or what?" I heard Alec asking and, instead of looking at him, I looked up at Ryan without moving from his shoulder.
I wasn't so sure why, but I truly wanted to hear his answer.
He turned his head a little to look at me and his lips were really close to my face for a second.
My heart kinda skipped a bit.
"We're friends, Alec." Ryan answered unaffectedly.
Alec sneered, clearly skeptical.
"Not for long." He stated before turning his attention to the rest of the gang that had been talking merrily.
Not sure of what exactly I was feeling, I straightened up, crossed my arms over my chest, and rested my elbows on the table while trying to focus on the conversation.
Then I felt Ryan's hand on my back. I turned my face to him.
We shared a slightly interrogative look, and I understood he was expectant. I leaned back on the backrest of the chair. Our faces were close.
"I know it's the truth." I said shrugging.
"So why did it bother you?" He asked softly.
Moved by impetus, I leaned closer to his ear.
"I don't know."
His scent made something stir inside me, and suddenly I felt like kissing his skin...
I controlled the impulse though.
I pulled away just a tiny bit to be able to look at his eyes. We had never had our faces so close...
What the fuck am I doing...?
Ryan averted his eyes without moving an inch and I realized I had been holding my breath.
"Hey, Ade!"
"Hello, Boss!"
"Hi, Aiden."
I heard people greeting and it ripped me out of the trance I had been in.
The first thing I saw as I turned forward was Jasper standing behind Noah, glaring at me with blazing eyes.
Involuntarily I glanced at Ryan... He was still looking down. His arm was still resting on the backrest of my chair. I looked back at Jasper.
"Enjoying the evening?" He asked, apparently to everybody, but his eyes were on me. "I felt like joining you, can I?"
Everyone, except Ryan and I, happily agreed and welcomed him.
It wasn't that I was unhappy he'd shown up... I was just surprised, a little bit puzzled by the way he was acting and by the way I was feeling. I felt oddly misplaced and annoyed at the same time. Jasper seemed angry.
Is he jealous?
What a joke, of course he's not!
I felt Ryan shifting beside me and his arm was suddenly gone.
"Hey, Ry." Jasper greeted him while placing a chair beside me and sitting.
"Hey, Ade." Ryan returned the hello with a nonchalant tone. "We need more tequila." He said out of the blue, and I noticed he was looking at the gang once I glanced again at him.
Soon he stood up and was going toward the bar.
I turned my eyes to Jasper.
"Having fun?" He asked, his eyebrows arched high, his countenance one of defiance.
That made me feel strangely irritated.
I felt myself tilting my chin up.
"Yeah, I'm having a lot of fun." I affirmed.
He leaned in closer.
"With your boyfriend?" He squinted.
I huffed involuntarily and shook my head once.
He wasn't aware of anything about Ryan and me... It wasn't the first time he'd seen us together, but then again, that had definitely been the very first time we got so close and were kinda engrossed in each other... My relationship with Ry ('cause yes, with him I had one) was the only thing I had been able to withhold from Jasper, and only because he had never asked about it directly.
At that very moment, though, I was certain and afraid he would... 'Cause I knew the unfiltered answer I would give him.
My protective instinct, although unclear over what, took over me, and I stood up and went after Ryan without thinking or looking back. I found him standing before the shelves, looking aimlessly forward.
I put my hand on his shoulder... I felt him sighing just before he turned to me.
"Wanna help me?" He said with a smile.
And although he was a very transparent person, right then I couldn't read his eyes.
I sighed, feeling oddly dubious.
"Ry... I..."
"Don't." He asked softly, his kind smile still on his lips. "Not now, okay...?" He searched my eyes and smiled more broadly. "I know you're confused, and that's kinda expected given the situation, but this is not the place or the time for us to talk about it."
I tried to gather the words I wanted to say to him in my head, but it just dawned on me then that my mind was a mess, just as my feelings.
Ryan got closer and hesitantly held my chin up, probably to be able to see my eyes.
"Don't try to understand it now, Edward." He sounded as serious as he looked. "Just do whatever you feel like to. That's the only way you'll find your answers."
"What about you?" I defied kinda impulsively. "Why don't you do whatever you feel like to?"
I wasn't sure since his eyes were naturally squinty, but I had the impression he squinted before sighing again.
"I'm not looking for answers." He clarified simply in a gentle voice and let go of my face while stepping back. "I know what I want."
And what's that?
I didn't fucking voice that, not so sure why... I guess I was afraid of what I would hear.
Ryan turned to the shelves again and picked up two bottles.
"Can you grab the lemons and the salt?" He asked as he turned back to me, his countenance nonchalant as if nothing had happened.
And then he left me there at the bar alone.
I huffed and shook my head for the second time that night.
Why are these men messing up with my head?
Why am I letting them?
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter7#
That night had been the first I said no to Jasper when he asked me to go to his house. It had been the night the confusion about my feelings got worse because suddenly I realized Ryan was also part of the equation.
How could I be having feelings for two different guys, at the same fucking time, when I had promised to myself, a long while before, that I would not indulge in emotions since they were something detrimental? Had I really faced such a hard time locking my heart and closing myself up just for these two men to show up in my life and make me unwillingly feel?
I knew I needed to live it, to fucking experience it all to the last bit, that was what Ry always said, but damn... The whole thing was so confusing! And kinda scary!
I really didn't know how to deal with feelings...
My cell vibrated in my pocket and I landed back in the present.
It was Thursday already, and once I had my phone in my hand and checked the screen it dawned on me that I'd been so messed up since that night that I had seen Jasper only at the club.
Are you free?
My classes were over for the day, but oddly I wasn't sure how to reply to his message.
Want to see you...
And that was all it took. As soon as the simple sentence came up on my screen my knees got weak and my heart skipped.
My fingers flew through the keyboard.
Just got out of my last class. Where are you?
I noticed the typing indicator displaying the "typing..." message for a while but no text came up. Soon it appeared again but, once more, Jasper sent nothing.
I frowned.
My cellphone rang.
"Hey." I answered a bit puzzled.
"I was dealing with a supplier nearby..." Jasper's voice was weirdly cautious. "I'm in the parking lot."
I felt my eyes widening involuntarily.
He's here?
"You're at my campus?" I asked skeptically.
He took a little more than necessary to say a simple yes.
I felt stunned... But also incredibly glad.
"I like it when you smile like that." I heard Jasper saying and I realized I was grinning.
I looked up, searching for him.
"At your left." He said before the call was disconnected.
Taking a deep breath to slow down my heartbeats, I turned.
How can he be this fucking beautiful?
Walking confidently, as usual, with his tall frame, his flowing wavy light brown hair, and his undeniably toned body, not to mention his handsome manly face, Jasper easily stood out in the sea of students. All eyes turned to him as he passed and landed on me as he stopped a little too close.
His eyes were glinting so strongly that I felt immediately hypnotized.
"Hey, Freckles." He said softly, a gentle smile playing on the corner of his lips.
"Hey." I heard myself saying back in a dazzled tone.
Jasper chuckled.
And then I felt his hand on my waist.
"Can I take you home?"
You can take me, period.
"Yours or mine?" I asked distractedly.
"Can I go to yours?" Jasper seemed surprised.
I shrugged.
"Sure, why not?"
He shook his head.
"You've never invited me."
"I'm doing it now, then." I answered simply.
"Okay." He smiled his dimpled smile...
I had learned that this was his most honest smile, the one that came spontaneously when he was genuinely glad about something.
"I can't leave my car here, though." My voice was still giving away that I was a bit abstracted.
"I'll follow you." Jasper assured in a kind tone.
I smiled... All I wanted to do was to kiss him right then and there, and by the way he was repeatedly glancing at my lips I knew he wanted the same.
Snap out of it!
I did, shaking my head subtly, sighing, and stepping back.
It was fucking difficult, and getting progressively harder, to restrain my impulses when he was this close...
Jasper licked his lips and my core stirred.
"Let's go, Freckles, before I lose the little control I still have and kiss you right here." He said in a heaved sigh.
We proceeded side by side to the parking lot... All along the way, I was smiling to myself.
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter7#
I observed, entranced, how the sunset light that infiltrated through my window lightened up his smooth strands, making them look golden, as they easily slid between my fingers as I carded them through his hair...
We were on my bed, laying down on our sides, face to face...
As usual, the sex had been amazing and I was still feeling the potent effects of the intense orgasm he gave me.
"You know..." Jasper whispered, making me look at him. "Your hair..." He raised his hand to my head and carded his fingers through my strands just as I was doing to his. "I kinda love the copperish color..." He cut himself off and chuckled while blushing, and I held back my surprise. "It gives me this sensation of warmth..."
I took a deep breath to push away the warmth his statement caused in me.
"I'm the only true redhead in my family." I commented, deliberately trying to divert the subject. "My father's hair is just like yours, light brown, and my mother is really blond." It felt weird talking about them, but it was better than having to face my feelings. "There are no other redheads in the Masen family, at least that I've known of." I chuckled with what I was about to say. "There are no other gays either."
Jasper chuckled too.
"Same here." He said placidly. "No gays are allowed in my family."
I felt my jaw dropping and my eyes widening.
"Are you voluntarily providing personal info?" I asked amazed. Jasper just chuckled again and shrugged. "Wow."
We shared an unexpected joyful stare and laughed slightly.
"I wanna know more about you, Jasper." I confessed impetuously.
He smiled kindly and it warmed my heart. Then he hesitated a little, his eyes roaming aimlessly for a bit before he focused on me again.
"I wanna know more about you too, Edward. I just..." And again he interrupted himself.
I scooted closer to him and held his neck before kissing his lips softly. Our noses were touching, and he wrapped his hand around my nape.
"You know I will tell you anything, even if I don't want to." I kinda mocked myself while assuring him.
Jasper turned serious.
"That's the thing. I don't wanna cross a line." He stated earnestly. "Not because I'm afraid you'll try to do the same, but because I don't want you to feel disrespected."
Holy fuck, does this man really exist? And he thinks so little of himself...
I sighed.
"Jasper, I don't have a problem with that. Really, you can ask me anything." I assured once more.
"Anything...?" He tried.
I nodded, tranquil.
"Can I ask about Ryan?" He was cautious.
Well, I knew that was coming... I had not prepared for it, but I knew he would wanna know and would definitely ask directly...
"You don't need to answer if you don't want to." He hastened to say, probably understanding my reaction. "Forget about it."
I nibbled my lower lip and heaved a sigh.
"It's okay for me to answer." I affirmed. "Do you really wanna know?"
Oddly, Jasper's eyes seemed to become a little guarded, but once again I dismissed my impression.
He nodded slowly, tentatively, as if he was apprehensive.
I sat up on the mattress and pulled the pillow to me, placing it over my lap. Jasper leaned with his back on the headboard, taking the blanket up with him.
I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath.
I wanted to be honest with him... Not because of my lack of filter when I was around him, but because I felt it was somehow important.
My relationship with Ryan wasn't something I had understood perfectly yet, but there were some things I was aware of, and I didn't see a point in hiding that from Jasper. I wasn't doing anything wrong anyway.
"Ask away." I gave him permission.
Jasper clenched and unclenched his jaw.
"Is there something going on between the two of you?"
"Yes." I answered bluntly and Jasper's eyebrows twitched.
He tried to be discreet about it, but I noticed him swallowing hard.
"Can I ask what exactly?" He sounded wary.
"I don't really know." I replied honestly. "We hang out sometimes, and we talk a lot. Nothing actually happened but... I'm attracted to him, and I know he feels the same."
Jasper averted his amber eyes and clearly controlled whatever emotion he was feeling. I couldn't read it... He just seemed distant all of a sudden.
"Ry is a good guy." He stated softly after a while. "He's very frank, even blunt sometimes, just like you." He sighed and looked at me. "He's also caring, he cares a lot, even for people that don't really deserve it."
I could only nod... I was seeing the melancholy again, deep in his irises.
"Just... Don't hurt him, okay?" He asked caringly and that stunned me. "He's been through some hurtful stuff. He didn't deserve it."
I nodded again, deeply intrigued by their care for each other.
Jasper suddenly heaved a weighted breath, carded his fingers through his hair, and forced a smile.
"You let me ask something personal." He shrugged. "You can ask me something... I'll answer."
That caught me by surprise but I wasn't going to waste the chance.
"How did you and Ryan meet?" It was the first thing that came to my mind.
Jasper took a deep breath.
"He was my advisee when I was a college professor."
"You were... A college professor?" I was baffled.
He sighed and closed his eyes for an instant... Then looked at me with pleading eyes.
"Can we...?"
And then I knew he didn't want to talk about it, so I briskly leaned in and kissed him. Jasper wrapped his hands around my neck and deepened the kiss, and although I was even more intrigued by him and his past, his body, his heat, his skin made me forget my curiosity.
I just wanted him to have me and nothing else.
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter7#
"Share it?" I asked Ry as I sat on the bench beside him, offering a beer bottle.
Another Friday night was over, and everybody was cleaning and organizing their stations to go home. I had finished up tiding up mine right after Ryan and had followed him to the staff locker room, just indulging my impulse.
Ryan smiled and accepted the bottle, took a sip, and gave it back to me.
"There'll be a garage band concert tomorrow, at Patron's." I said conversationally. "Wanna go with me?"
The beautiful Korean-American by my side turned to me, straddled the wooden bench, and smiled his toothy grin.
I immediately felt like smiling too.
"What are they playing?" He arched his straight eyebrows.
Unconsciously I moved closer.
"Rock." I answered naturally, smiling broadly for no apparent reason. "I know one of the bands, Thunderstrike, some of the band members are my college mates, and their music is really Metallica style."
I knew that would make the trick. Ry's favorite band was Metallica.
"I'm in." He accepted promptly just like I thought he would.
Until that very moment, my conscious intention was simply to hang out with him... We hadn't really spent time together since Petra's birthday celebration and I just felt like being with him.
But then, right there in the empty silent room, with him looking at me with his kind eyes and his face so close to mine, I realized I had been instinctively creating the opportunity I had just realized I was yearning for.
The vibe that had been surrounding us whenever we were alone emerged, a little bit denser this time.
Ryan became serious, and I was promptly sure he could read the desire and intention in my eyes. He sighed and parted his lips.
I could've just ignored the urge and left... I was certain Ryan would accept and understand. But it dawned on me that I didn't want to leave... I wanted that to happen.
Slowly I folded my left leg over the bench and turned to him, getting impossibly closer, and slightly tilted my head back, offering him my ajar lips. Ry understood the cue perfectly.
He straightened up, his slanted eyes on my mouth, and gently wrapped his hands around my neck, pulled me to him, and leaned in.
My chest buzzed and my head spun as our lips met. I clutched his T-shirt on the sides and sighed into his mouth, feeling an odd relief.
As the kiss deepened and our tongues touched, relief became something else, something stronger that I was unable to name because it was an unknown sensation to me...
Ry nibbled and sucked my lower lip into his mouth, took a deep breath, and searched for my tongue with his... And as they moved together, swirled languidly around one another, my heartbeats sped up and tiny stars glinted behind my closed eyelids.
I brought my hands to his nape and clutched his hair... And as I pulled him to me even more all I could feel was his scent and the energy that had been linking us increasing its potency.
The assimilation came fast and definite...
I want him too...
