A/N: I'd like to thank my betas: AlEmily360, SapphireTrafficker, tigerlilycorinne, AshenMoon42, Lesbian101, Shiuanc2, and LadyHW.
"Ms. Chase, is everything okay? You haven't turned in your essay yet. Do you need an extension?"
Annabeth looked up at the professor standing next to her seat. Too late did she realize that the lecture hall was mostly empty; the remaining students were packing up. She squinted at the professor—his name was eluding her.
"I'm okay," she responded, hoping he wouldn't question her despite the fact that she no doubt looked like shit. Fucking shit, Thalia's voice said in her mind. Smiling at the professor, she began packing her bag. "I can get that paper to you tomorrow. Would I still need to apply for an extension?"
The professor shifted uncomfortably. "No, but ahh, if you provided me with proof of a reason I could offer you a longer extension… family illness, something like that. I can go up to a week, up to the final."
Annabeth finished shoving her pencil case into her bag and stood up. She swung her backpack over her shoulder; the professor stood aside so that she could move out of the aisle. "Nope, I'm all good. It'll be emailed to you tomorrow. Thank you, though."
"Oh—okay. You can just turn it in through the portal. I'll extend the deadline for you."
"Thank you, uh, sir," Annabeth said. She nodded goodbye to the professor, moving past him and out pushing through the large metal doors of the back entrance.
"Hey there," a voice next to the door said.
Annabeth startled, pressing her hand to her chest and tripping to a stop. She whirled around. Percy kicked off the wall he had been leaning against, striding over to stand beside her. He had an apologetic look on his face. "Sorry, did I surprise you?"
Annabeth exhaled slowly, willing her heartbeat to slow down. "How did you know I'd come out this way?" she asked. The back entrance was hardly popular—Annabeth only came out this way because it was a short walk across the back lawn to the engineering building, along with the fact that it was the best way to avoid the throngs of students that filtered out of midday classes.
"You always come out this way," Percy said. Annabeth must have given him a strange look because he elaborated by saying, "Remember? English Writing Seminar 102?"
"Oh, shit, sorry," Annabeth said. God, she had only just taken that class last semester with Professor… she couldn't remember. What was it with her and names today?
Concern drifted across Percy's features. His intense gaze made Annabeth squirm. "Annabeth, maybe you should take a little break…" he started.
"No, I don't need a break," Annabeth replied, blunt. She began to walk faster. She didn't have a class for another forty-five minutes, but that didn't mean she couldn't get to work on her paper.
"Annabeth, you look… I mean, the thing with Thalia only happened a few weeks ago. You haven't taken any time off, you haven't done anything to, I don't know, mourn? I just think…"
Annabeth blocked him out as she climbed the stairs into the building. She pushed the doors open and several students glanced up from their work at the force at which she had just entered the building. Percy's voice softened, but only just. She thought about what he was saying—that she wasn't 'mourning' properly, not the way that was 'right'. And the 'thing with Thalia'—everyone had been tiptoeing around her and she just couldn't—
Annabeth cracked open the door of a classroom and peaked in to check if it was empty. Finding that it was, she opened the door fully and pulled Percy in by his forearm. Closing the door behind him, she threw her backpack onto a nearby table and raised her hand in the universal signal for stop talking.
"I don't need time off," she said. Percy opened his mouth to argue, but she was faster. "No, let me speak. I don't need time off, I'm doing fine. Maybe if you were in my position this isn't what you'd be doing, but this is how I handle it. This is what I do. I get by. I have a lot of work to do and you can either help me or get out of my way. I'm handling it."
Instead of getting angry at Annabeth for yelling at him, Percy just looked even more distressed. He pushed a hand through his already messed up black hair, a familiar nervous habit. "Annabeth…"
"My best friend just died," Annabeth said, voice cracking traitorously. "She is dead and this is how I'm coping with it. I'm sorry it's not acceptable to you—"
"Annabeth, that's not what I'm saying at all—"
"—but she was my best friend, not yours—"
"—I just don't think you've taken the time to actually grieve!"
Annabeth laughed, a violent sound that seemed to be ripped out of her. Percy looked at her with an alarmed expression, pausing his admonishment, which had been increasing in volume as they both tried to get the last word.
"Time!" Annabeth yelped. "That's the—I don't have time! What time?! What fucking—if I'm going to graduate, I don't have the time to—"
"Graduate?" Percy's voice was quieting as Annabeth's just got louder. "But that's not for another year, what are you—"
"Don't talk to me about time, you have no idea—" Annabeth said, losing her confidence as the conversation strayed closer and closer to another constant point of anxiety. She clenched her fist, nails digging into her palms. She wondered, if she squeezed hard enough, would she draw blood?
"Annabeth, then explain it to me. Help me understand," Percy said. Suddenly it was too quiet in the empty classroom as Annabeth snapped her mouth shut, all earlier anger was replaced by panic. It's too early, he can't find out, not yet. Percy looked at her, green eyes imploring.
He reached out and she moved to step away, but he just grabbed her hands. He uncurled her fingers and brought her right palm to his mouth. He lightly pressed his lips against the angry skin there before pulling away and rubbing his thumb over the half-moon indents left by her fingernails. She breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm down. He nodded at her, smiling slightly when he realized what she was doing.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm not trying to tell you what to do or how to handle the… death of your friend. I'm just trying to make sure you're taking care of yourself, that you're giving yourself time to process this. Because I care about you." He brought her other hand up to his mouth, pressing a kiss to the palm. Pulling it away, he added, "Because I love you."
Annabeth felt terrible. And so small. She didn't want to feel anything, but here she was feeling guilty—again. "I don't deserve you," she whispered, stepping away. "I can't believe I've held onto this for so long without destroying it." She looked at her hands, at the painful impressions in her skin. She was even destroying herself. It was like every decision that she made was the wrong one. Everything required a sacrifice.
"You haven't destroyed me," Percy said, moving to follow her.
She picked up her bag as she opened the door. She had to leave, she needed space, she couldn't fucking think.
"Yeah, I have." A confession. She turned away, but something held her back. Percy was holding onto her bag, eyes pleading.
"Please," he said. Annabeth dropped the bag and did something she was very ashamed of.
She ran.
:::
Annabeth did what she did best. She worked. She studied. She forced herself into her schoolwork: highlighting, underlining, proofreading. She submitted her essay, a perfect A grade, to her professor. She watched a video lecture. She took notes on archival source material. And when she was finished with this week's homework, she started on next week's.
She arrived to all of her classes early and stayed late. Her teachers complimented her on her dedication. Annabeth didn't have the energy to thrill too much at their praise. She was focusing too much on not thinking about it.
Finals week was here; the last semester of university she would ever have. Her application to graduate had been approved, and she marked her calendar for her graduation date. She ignored Piper's offers to help her find a dress, and her father's questions about tickets. She just worked, and worked, and worked.
She still hadn't gotten her bag back. She was lucky all of her schoolwork was online—she could just work on the school library's computers until the library closed, when she would go back to her dorm room and work on all of her paper assignments. Anything to not see Percy again.
Someone knocked on her door on Wednesday, but she ignored it and pretended she wasn't there. Eventually, they left. Never mind Percy, she didn't want to see anyone.
On Thursday, at the same time, someone was knocking at her door again. It was particularly aggressive today. She was brought out of her work, gasping at painful memories. Carnations, pamphlets, chocolate strawberries. She tried to pretend she wasn't there again, but the knocking continued.
"Annabeth, I know you're in there!" Piper's voice came from the hallway. "Library's closed and you're not talking to anyone else. Let me in!"
Annabeth hunched over her desk, holding her breath as if that would make Piper go away. She didn't understand, Annabeth had to finish this.
"I'm not going away until you open the door!" Piper called out, still knocking. Her voice had a tinge of scared desperation to it when she said, "Please, Annabeth, let me in."
Soon, Annabeth's dorm neighbors would be peeking out into the hallway to investigate the disturbance. Resigned, Annabeth got out of her chair. Putting on an impassive expression, she opened the door.
"Annabeth," Piper breathed, and wrapped Annabeth up in a hug. Annabeth stood ruler-straight as Piper pressed her face into Annabeth's neck. "Why haven't you been answering my texts? I've been so worried. I thought—"
Annabeth stepped back into her room, and Piper followed, still clinging to her. Finally, she stepped away from Annabeth, shutting the door behind her. "Annabeth?" She finally seemed to get a good look at Annabeth and her eyes widened, and then widened further as they trailed along Annabeth's bare walls and desk. "Oh, Annabeth, what did you do to your room?"
Annabeth stood back and looked at her room through Piper's eyes, or at least how she imagined Piper was seeing it. Blank walls—Annabeth had stripped the posters and photographs off after she had gotten back from her first class after leaving the hospital, and a mostly empty desk—Annabeth threw all of her knick-knacks and books under her bed with her photographs. Now all that remained on display were her school notebooks and papers, and her unmade bed.
"I—" She paused. How could she explain this in a way that wouldn't reveal the crazy going on inside her head, the way that she had ripped off her decorations, frenzied and sobbing, stuffing anything that reminded her of Thalia, of any of the people she tried to push away, somewhere she didn't have to look at them day after day. "I didn't want to be distracted."
Piper's face fell. "Distracted? Annabeth, what are you doing?" Her tone was dejected, almost as tired as Annabeth felt.
"I'm just trying to get everything done in time. I'm focusing on my work and I don't need anything—anyone—distracting me," Annabeth said defensively. She crossed her arms in front of her body, hunching her shoulders.
Piper rubbed her eyes. "This is not the way to do it. You can't just ignore all of your problems and all of your feelings. You can't just do your fucking schoolwork and pretend everything is fine!"
"Yes I can!" Annabeth said, her voice edging on neurotic even to herself. "I need to graduate."
"Why? It's not like you're gonna use your degree!" Piper's mouth snapped shut. "I just mean—"
"I know what you mean. I know you think it's stupid but—"
"I don't think it's stupid—"
"This matters to me!"
"I know!" Piper threw her hands up. "I know. I'm not… why are you focusing on this instead of something that makes you happy? You're killing yourself."
Annabeth rubbed her face, turning away from Piper. "What does it matter? I'll be dead in three months anyways."
"God, Annabeth, because you deserve to be happy." Piper was rummaging under Annabeth's bed when she turned around.
"Not when—" Annabeth stopped herself.
"When what?" Piper asked. She pulled out a binder, thick with Annabeth's torn-down photographs. She started rummaging through it, pulling the taped pictures apart one by one. "You know we'd rather just have you. For whatever time we have. Time doesn't—it's irrelevant."
"That's easy for you to say."
Piper stood up, holding out a photograph. Their own glossy faces looked up, a moment of real happiness captured summers ago. "No, it's not. I'm losing my best friend. There's nothing easy about it."
When Annabeth didn't take the photo, Piper set it on her desk, next to her schoolwork.
"You think you're doing the right thing, but you're not. You're hurting me a lot more by acting like this and not letting me help you. Hurting us. Did you know Percy came by to see me? Oh—" She held her finger up, indicating 'one moment', before moving to open Annabeth's door and grabbing something from beside it. "Here's your backpack."
Annabeth scowled, taking it from her and setting it on her desk chair. "You don't know anything," she said, but it was just another lie. She wished Piper would get angry with her, would yell at her and storm out, but instead she just looked disappointed.
"Maybe not," Piper said. She shook her head. "You're smarter than this Annabeth."
Annabeth turned away from her, facing her blank wall. "I know what I'm doing. Now can you just please—" She turned around to face Piper, but couldn't bring herself to make eye contact. "—Please leave me alone. I know what I'm doing."
"I can't imagine how much pressure is on you when you think you know everything," Piper said. "But fine. Fine. I'll leave you alone. But I'm not going anywhere. When you need me—and you will because that's what we do, as humans, we need each other—I'll be there for you. But I'm not going to come find you again. You have to come to me."
Annabeth just nodded.
Piper turned before she closed the door behind her, sticking her foot between it like she was afraid Annabeth might try to shut her out. "Is this really what you want to be doing at the end? It doesn't have to be like this." Then she pulled her foot back, closing the door, shutting Annabeth alone in her empty room, surrounded by her bare walls.
Annabeth stared at the work on her desk, work she really didn't have to do until late next week, and sat down on her chair. Her own face looked back at her, wearing emotions she couldn't even remember feeling. She let all of the emotions she had been holding back—frustration, fear, anxiety, anger, and most of all, grief—wash over her, and she cried. She wasn't fine. And she wasn't handling it.
:::
Annabeth woke up in her desk chair, shivering without her blankets. She sat up and looked at her phone—dead. Looking at her watch, she realized it was eleven AM, and she was currently missing her second class of the day. But she didn't care; she was too tired to care. She got up and took her laptop out of her bag and plugged it in.
She crawled under her bed and pulled out her pictures, leafing through them. Pictures of her and Piper, her and Thalia, even pictures of the original trio: she, Thalia, and Luke, laid sprawled across the floor around her. Looking down at them, she felt an ache that wouldn't go away, and she knew she couldn't put them back up on her wall. But it felt wrong to hide them away under the bed, so she folded them into stacks, along with her posters, and placed them on her desk.
When her laptop finished charging, Annabeth sent a mass email to all of her professors and their TAs, explaining that she would be out for a few days. A small amount of relief coursed through her as she hit send, but it was overshadowed by regret when she remembered how she had treated Percy when he suggested she do just that. She still wanted to keep her distance—Percy was still the epicenter of her timer problem and she wanted to avoid catching him in the aftershocks as much as possible—but she could at least apologize.
She powered her phone on for the first time in days. It began pinging rapidly with texts, missed calls, and emails that she had been ignoring for the better part of a week. When it seemed she had received the most of it, she opened up Percy's texts. Her mood dropped more and more as she read through them.
Percy- I heard about Thalia should I come to the hospital
Percy- im so sorry do you want me to be there
Percy- I'm calling you
Percy- Jason said not to go to the hospital but you can come here after if you want
Percy- good morning would you like me to bring you a chi latte
Percy- * chai
Percy- please respond im getting worried
Percy- if you need time i understand but you should talk to piper
Percy- i love you wise girl
Percy- thuoght you might need to hear that
Percy- text me if you need me
Percy- of call
Percy- *or
Percy- idk if your getting these but im gonna meet you after class
Percy- i have your bag
Annabeth was surprised to see that there was a text from just this morning. When she read it, her blood ran cold.
Percy- i think we should talk
Attached to his text was a photo of her folder—her death folder—with all of her post-life plans that she had been working on for the better part of the last year, sprawled across his dining table.
