"Can I ask who's that?" I asked hesitantly once the phone restarted to ring.
Jasper was still really pale, even his lips were discolored. His eyes were staring into mine, looking bigger than normal, and were conveying a level of tension that I had never seen him demonstrate before.
He nodded once in response to my question, and I grabbed the little annoying thing and turned it off without thinking for a second if he was gonna be mad at me for that.
"Who's Maxence?" My tone came out deliberately steady and low.
Jasper averted his eyes and sat on the bed with a heavy sigh. I crouched down before him, attentive to his reactions.
"He's one of my father's company board members and life-long protégé…" He said in a weird voice as if it was hurting him to say that.
His words and the way he spoke them even gave me the creeps. And soon enough I understood why.
"He's also the guy I told you about." And right then his whole countenance showed desolation.
I felt an icy cold sensation in the pit of my stomach.
"Your abusive first boyfriend?" I spoke really carefully.
"We were never boyfriends." Jasper affirmed bitterly. "I was just his dirty little secret and he was my biggest mistake. It just took me too long to realize all that."
As he heaved a sigh and bent his head I saw how hurt he had been… How wounded he still was.
I stood up and sat beside him, folding my left leg over the mattress so I could be turned to him. I took his hand in mine and waited for him to look at me.
"Do you wanna talk about it now?" I asked softly. "It's okay if you…"
"I need to." He cut me off, again sounding slightly desperate. "I need you to know… I need to make you understand."
Oddly my heart swelled.
I nodded.
Jasper turned to me and sat Indian-style over the bed. He seemed so nervous, so anguished, so disturbed that I considered convincing him to leave that conversation for another moment.
He started to speak before I could say something, though, and then I saw in his eyes that he truly needed that.
"When things were over I told him not to come after me, or else I would expose everything." He said in a dark voice. "He never did. He knew that if I made good on my threat he would have his precious image destroyed… And he would lose everything. But now… Something is different."
"Different how?" I realized my tone was also a bit somber.
"He doesn't seem to care anymore whether or not I'll disclose what happened. He's been sending me messages for weeks… I ignored all of them, erased each one without even reading them actually… But then my sister showed up and told me he had asked about me." He took a deep breath, seeming suffocated. "He has never done that before, not even when we were involved." He added with a quirk of his eyebrows. "If that had been all, I would have just pretended it wasn't happening. But then Monroe wanted to see me…" Jasper shook his head." He's really busy, that's why we hardly see each other, but he came all the way from Washington just to make sure Maxence hadn't been able to reach me and that I was okay. And now he's staying until the end of the month. That's how worried he is."
Impressed with the care and commitment of his brother-in-law, I sighed, my mind working a bit faster than normal.
"So... He and your sister know about… What happened between you and this Maxence." I uttered my conclusion as it came to me.
"They are the only ones who know." Jasper said in a sigh. "They were there taking care of me when I fell apart after the breakup… They were the ones that helped me pull myself together." He breathed deeply. "Rose…" He paused briefly. "That's my twin sister, Rosalie. Monroe is her husband." He explained and I just nodded, keeping the promise I had made to Rosalie. "She knew everything from the very beginning, we are like one, we're truly connected, so I would've never been able to hide anything from her. And Mon… I know him since Rose and I were toddlers, his family was my family's neighbor and he used to be my older brother's best friend. He has always loved Rose and I guess, because of her love for me and his love for her he ended up caring for me as much as her." He shrugged.
"What about the rest of your family?"
Jasper looked down and took a deep breath.
"They don't know anything about it." He exhaled heavily and looked at me again. "When I was with Max, I was extremely cautious so they wouldn't find out. I thought I was protecting us… And what we had..." He huffed and shook his head. "I actually don't have any contact with the rest of my family anymore…" He averted his eyes as if remembering something and huffed again in a half-smile. "My father disowned me when I was seventeen. We haven't spoken ever since."
"Because he found out you were gay?"
He nodded.
"My dear brother Oliver caught me leaving a gay club one night… He told Dad, of course, and obviously, my father confronted me the next day." He sighed heavily. "I came out to him." He swallowed hard. "He slapped me and told me he would never admit a faggot in his family… And that if I wanted to be so filthy I wouldn't be his son anymore." He released an exhalation in a puff of air. "I tried to reason with him but he started to yell and command and determine… I knew I couldn't do anything he was demanding from me… Until then I could've done anything for my family, for their love, but not pretend I wasn't who I was. So I faced him. I defied him." He brought his eyes back to mine and I saw his pain. "So he disowned me."
"I'm so sorry, Jasper." The words just came naturally as I knew well that pain, that feeling of abandonment I was seeing written in his irises… I had gone through the same thing.
"It's okay. It's been a long time, I don't feel sad or miss them, they were really cruel to me, they don't deserve my love." He assured me, but his smile was a sad one. "Since I'm not worthy of being a Whitlock, they are not worthy of being my family."
My eyes widened involuntarily.
"You're a Whitlock?!" I blurted out, way beyond surprised. "As in, Whitlock-Fort Industries?"
Jasper seemed a bit embarrassed as he nodded slightly.
I had always known he was from old money, but I had never thought he had been born in one of the most wealthy families of the country.
"That's why I don't use my first or last name." He clarified simply, gesturing to me with a flick of his hand.
It was my turn to feel embarrassed.
"Sorry…" I smiled coyly.
Jasper rested his palm gently on my cheek, touching my face tenderly.
"Coming from you, I don't mind it."
My smile turned into a pleased one as he caressed my skin.
"I thought your last name was Hale." It was just a murmur.
He smiled slightly.
"That's what I want everybody to believe." He nodded. "It was my granny's maiden name, I chose it when I changed my documents. I don't wanna have anything to do with the Whitlocks, I'm not one of them." He turned serious and ruffled my hair before pulling his hand back to his lap.
He looked briefly at himself and stood up.
"Need to put some clothes on." He mumbled while walking to his closet with the towel wrapped around his hip.
So fucking sexy...
I involuntarily glanced at the shorts I was wearing over the snuggly underwear, immediately remembering the moment he threw them on me with a devilish grin on his perfect face and demanded that I put them on. He gave me his clothes to wear even though I had some of mine in one of his drawers…
I felt myself grinning.
He was truly opening up to me, giving me space to occupy space in his life… And it made me so stupidly happy.
"You're hungry?" He asked softly as he emerged from the attached room, smiling gently at me.
He was wearing nothing more than black silk boxers… His strong legs bringing him to me, his amazing abs, pecs, and shoulders in a total display, his beautiful hair loose and framing his gorgeous face.
Of course I swallowed hard… Who wouldn't, having that man before them, walking distractedly as if his figure weren't dazzling to the point of making my mind go blank in a split second…
"Edward…?" I heard him say softly.
I blinked twice before realizing he was already on the bed, sitting right in front of me.
"Huh?"
My mind was still a little foggy.
He chuckled and ruffled my hair again, but his hand lingered.
"Have I told you that I love the fiery color of your hair…?" He uttered absentmindedly, his eyes on my strands. "It's so warm." He brought his gaze to mine, his fingers clutching the hair on the top of my head gently. "Just like you."
"You think I'm warm?" I blurted out in an amazed whisper.
He smiled slightly, his eyes glinting with something I couldn't identify.
"I know you're warm." He affirmed. "My frozen heart is finally beating again, isn't it?"
And right then warmth was exactly what crept up my neck and face as he said that so naturally…
I didn't know what to say or do… I was so fucking surprised, and elated, that I froze in place.
Jasper chuckled again.
"Your reactions never cease to please me." He pecked my lips. "They are all so satisfying." He sighed, pulled away, and turned serious. "I need to explain to you about Maxence."
And then, in the blink of an eye, all the romance was gone…
But that was actually a good thing since he clearly wanted me to know about his past, he wanted me to understand him… So I shook off the discomfort that suddenly compressed my chest, took a deep breath, and looked into his eyes confidently.
"I'm listening."
"I need to ask something from you first."
"Anything." I vowed without even thinking.
"Please, don't judge me." He uttered in clear hesitance. "I was too young and stupid, and I was ridiculously in love for the first time in my life. I didn't know what I was doing."
I nodded slowly, a little bit tense.
Jasper took my hands in his and focused his eyes on them.
"I was fifteen when everything began… I knew I was gay, but I had never had any physical experience. I wanted to… Experiment. And Maxence… He was alluring, seductive. He knew his power, he knew what he was doing…"
He took a deep breath and I felt his hands slightly trembling around mine and turning cold. His face was pale again as if he was gonna be sick.
"He's been my father's protégé for as long as I can remember. Maxence Alberfort was the elder son and main heir of my dad's first business partner and co-founder of the company, Mr. Wulfric Alberfort. I didn't know Maxence well until he assumed his father's position in the company. He used to come to our house with his father occasionally, but he would never interact with the kids. My brother Oliver is just three years older than me and Rose, so Max wasn't from our age group…" Jasper chuckled humorlessly while shrugging and shook his head before becoming serious again. "So until then, we'd never had much contact.
He was a man already, he had just turned 26 when my dad threw a dinner party as a "welcome to the company board" gathering. He was also a recently married man, and I met Liliana, his wife, that night.
I didn't notice him staring at me incessantly the whole night. I was so unaware that it would've never crossed my mind that he was actually flirting with me… But he indeed was, he told me this himself some time later.
He kept up the flirting for two months, showing up for dinner almost every night, coming every other weekend to the pool with Liliana… It took a while for me to start noticing the staring, and once I did, I thought I was seeing something that wasn't really there. He never talked directly to me, he was married, thus straight, and he was a grownup, I was just a kid.
Thing is… I was wrong, and that was proven at Oliver's eighteenth birthday party.
I never really liked the parties my family threw, they were all too ostentatious for my taste… So I was obviously bored before it even reached the middle of the night. I sneaked away to my room certain that nobody would notice my absence. I'm not really sure of what exactly I was doing twenty minutes later, but I remember clearly the moment when Max came in and locked the door behind him. I remember I felt surprised but not afraid as he walked to me staring into my eyes so intensely… I couldn't look away. He didn't say a word. He just sat before me on my bed, held my face gently, and leaned in.
I let him kiss me. I was dazzled and curious and perplexed… That was my first kiss. Once it was over I knew I would fall for him."
Jasper finally looked at me, and his eyes were shimmering with unshed tears.
I reached his face with my left hand and fondled his cheek. He smiled and sighed.
"Remember our first time?" He asked guardedly. I nodded. "Remember I asked you if you had ever fantasized about a prince charming…?" I nodded again. "I saw myself in you that first night, Edward, even your words, the way you said them, how nervous you were that night… You acted just like I had once and I saw what I could do to you, the damage I could cause, and against all odds, I realized that I didn't want to… I didn't want to mess with your head as he had done to me…"
"I'm not a teen, Jasper… You couldn't have messed with my head." I assured him in a kind tone.
"I was afraid regardless." He shrugged. "And that's why I was so blunt with you. That's why I tried to push you away more than once."
I nodded, finally understanding his previous behavior and warnings.
Jasper sighed once again and averted his gaze.
"All my firsts were with him… My first kiss, the first time I had sex, the first time I topped… And also the first time I was used as a toy.
It was horrible… I was sixteen, and we had been together for almost a year… I did it because he had told me he really wanted to try it and that it would bring us closer together. At that time I would've done anything for him, anything he would ask from me. I was so blinded by my obsession for him… So I accepted his proposition and participated in a threesome. And after that came the foursomes and the orgies…"
His voice broke and he bent his head, and I noticed the tears streaming from his eyes as they landed in our joined hands.
My heart felt so small and sore… I was so sorry for him, going through those things against his will just for love…
"I did so many horrible things, Edward… And I was submitted to so many others... My skin crawls and my stomach churns every time I remember that time..." Jasper kept speaking through his tears and sobs, still not looking at me. "He used me and gave me to others while he watched… I gave myself to others, many others at the same time, just to please him, just to satisfy his insane desires… And it was never enough… And I just kept giving in.
I never really understood why I was so in love with him. He had never been sweet or tender or caring… And things just got worse the older I got. He became stern, domineering… He was so possessive of me that I couldn't be with my friends, or go out alone, or simply be by myself without him checking where I was and with whom by the minute. It got so crazy at a point that he… He beat me… Just 'cause I had gone to a friend's house after school without telling him.
He wanted me to do whatever he wanted and he wanted me all to himself. I didn't have a life, I lost all my friends… I lost my teenagehood to him…
I started to languish… My grades started to drop, my head was a mess, I was hiding from my family constantly… I lived for him during that time. I wasn't happy, but the thought of losing him terrified me, so I went through the motions, hoping it would get better at some point.
Even from Rose, I was distant. She knew what was going on, every little thing of it because I never hid anything from her, but I wasn't listening to her anymore because what she was advising me wasn't what I wanted to hear…
So one night Mon caught me by the arm… He was already dating Rose by then. She told me years later that he did it for her, she had asked him to try to put some sense into my head because she knew I respected him for being five years older than us.
He told me some harsh truths… Truths I didn't want to hear but that he made me hear… Truths I hadn't admitted to myself and that I had overlooked all along the almost two years I had been involved with Max. After that talk I couldn't pretend I wasn't seeing the reality, it actually became so plain to see that I couldn't ignore it anymore. I decided to break up with Max.
I did it, and it was so hard on me because he acted so okay about it, relieved even. I was devastated by how easily he accepted it. I was a crying-sobbing mess for almost a month… I didn't go after him because Mon and Rose didn't let me. If it weren't for them I would've gone back to him way before I did…
We had been apart for two months and a half when he called me in the middle of the night, asking for us to meet. I went to him, of course… And of course I didn't let Rose and Mon know. He begged me to accept him back, he cried and told me he loved me, promised things would be different… I was too fucking fragile, I was still in love with him… So I simply gave in.
I had no idea the worst was to come.
Things between us were actually great for some time. Right after I turned seventeen, Max told me he wanted to divorce his wife, come out to our families and live with me. I was graduating from school at the end of that year and going to college, so he bought an apartment for us next to campus. He asked for some time to prepare himself, to prepare the ground. I believed the lie… I believed everything he had said and promised... But when he learned that Liliana was pregnant, it all changed.
I got desperate. I knew he would leave me… So I started preparing myself for the breakup. I wanted to stop loving him before he left me, I didn't want to go through the pain I had felt when we were apart the first time.
I started to sneak out at night and go to gay clubs… I started to hook up with random men in search of someone that would make my feelings for Max go away. I was with so many men back then… I was disgusted with myself but I was also hopeless, I didn't have it in me to make myself stop. So I drowned myself in meaningless sex.
It was after one of those nights that my brother caught me. And as you already know I came out to my father and he disowned me.
Maxence rented a loft and took me there when I went to him asking for shelter. He told me everything would be fine, that he would take care of me. He didn't know how my father had found out about me. Once he learned the reason days later, though, he went crazy. He beat me for the second time, and it was the worst time… He accused me of cheating on him which, in a very distorted way, was true. We had a terrible fight… I admitted I'd had sex with other men because I wanted to stop loving him… He said I had hurt him… So he would hurt me.
He claimed I was his as he grabbed me and threw me against walls and choked me… He kept saying I should never even look at other men while he forced me into the bedroom… I kept saying no… I screamed for him to stop, I shouted that he was hurting me, I didn't want for that to happen that way…
But he was raging, he never listened."
Jasper was openly crying at that point, his eyes a bit swollen, his face wet with so many tears.
He looked at me with such a wounded stare…
Then he took a deep breath, freed one of his hands from my grip, and rubbed his eyes.
"He took me against my will that day." He stated in a heavy voice. "Violently and repeatedly. I tried to fight him, to push him and hurt him to make him stop but he was bigger than me, stronger… There was nothing I could do, so I closed myself in my mind and stopped reacting in any way until it was over. He left me after he was finished, and he told me to be a good boy and never speak about what had happened. I broke up with him the next day.
It took me years to accept it, to admit it to myself that he raped me that day."
"I'm so, so so sorry, Jasper…" I whispered while raising my hands to his face and bringing him to me.
He let me hug him and rested his head on my shoulder with a heavy sigh.
"Don't be." He asked in a weak voice. "It was all my fault, anyway."
"What?! No!" I stated while frowning and immediately pushed him away so I could look at his face. "You were a kid, you didn't…" I argued, controlling my tone.
"I was a kid…" He cut me off. "But I didn't listen to my sister, or to Mon. They'd warned me, they advised me, and I still went back to him."
"You were in love."
"I was also completely conscious he was abusive and would make me suffer…" He replied with a hard voice. "I was stupid, and not just because I was a kid and in love for the first time, there had been so many screaming signs and warnings but I still looked the other way…" He shook his head and the movement made more tears trickle down his face. "I chose to submit to him, not once or twice, so many times I've lost count… It was my fault."
Suddenly he sobbed, clearly unwittingly, and then bent his head and broke down in a painful crying.
I held him in my arms as I silently cried with him… So many things started to make sense then, and they touched me and hurt me because I loved him, and watching him suffer wounded me deeply.
Jasper cried in my arms for a long while, and I felt for him. I felt so much I wanted to find the horrible man and kill him. I wanted to take care of Jasper and make sure he would be happy and have peace of mind for the rest of his life…
I just didn't know how to.
"I'm truly glad you told me all this." I said once he calmed down. "But why did you? Why now?"
Jasper straightened up slowly, took some deep breaths, rubbed his hands over his face, and ran his fingers through his hair before looking at me.
He seemed drained.
"I have the feeling that Maxence will show up soon…" He said in a croaky voice. "And if that happens, and he finds out about you, I'm afraid of what he might try to do to…"
"Break us apart…" I completed impulsively as the comprehension popped up in my mind. "Are you afraid of losing me...?" The question came out uncertain.
Jasper took another deep breath and heaved a sigh.
"Yeah, I am." He affirmed with his eyebrows knitted together. "Edward, I know that without hearing it with all the words is a bit hard to believe but… Although I can't bring myself to say it, I do feel it."
My heart skipped a beat.
"You can't say it… But can you answer me?" I tried, deeply hesitant. He nodded in a guarded way. "Are you in love with me?" It was just a frail whisper.
He hesitated for a second, his lips parting and closing and parting again before he pressed them together, sighed, and nodded again, his gaze cautious.
It was my turn to heave a deep sigh.
"It is truly hard for you to say it, isn't it?" I asked carefully.
"I wish it wasn't." He replied faster than I expected.
I nodded, finally comprehending his wariness.
"Can I ask one more thing?" My tone was low and tentative.
"Yes." He sounded cautious.
"I have the feeling that… Your hooking-up routine has something to do with what you just told me." I sighed heavily. "Doesn't it?"
Jasper took such a deep breath, like he was preparing to say something hard, that I didn't really need him to answer me. I knew it before he confirmed.
"It does, yes… And for a long time it was... Uncontrollable. Right now, to be completely honest with you, I'm aware that it's a defense mechanism that I can control if I try hard to."
That made me pause and frown.
"What do you mean…?" I sounded a bit hurt, although I was trying really hard to seem nonchalant. "If you know you can control it then why…?"
"It isn't about protecting me anymore, Edward." Jasper hastened to clarify. "I know it will sound illogical, but… For some time now it… is about protecting you."
I huffed.
"It isn't illogical, it's preposterous." I blurted out. "You don't really think I'll buy this, do you?"
Jasper dropped his eyes and slumped his shoulders. I had my answer.
"This is crazy, almost manic, can't you see it?" I kinda ranted.
He nodded and then brought his eyes to mine, his gaze pleading.
"I swear… I do it to protect you." His voice broke and I saw it on his face and eyes that he was really making an emotional appeal.
"From what? You're protecting me from what, Jasper?" And right then I sounded as aggravated as I felt.
He closed his eyes for a second, looking a bit defeated. Once he reopened them I felt as if he was begging me for something.
"From me, Edward." He uttered resignedly. "I'm protecting you from me."
"I don't understand."
"I don't want to hurt you." He stated.
"And yet you do." I replied defensively.
"What I do to them I could never do to you." He clarified in a cautious tone. "With them, I'm not who I am with you."
"Do you really think it makes it any better?"
"I know it doesn't, I'm just trying to make you understand…"
"That you fuck other men to protect me from you…" I said in a dismissive inflection. "It means that I shouldn't be with you in the first place."
That was the third moment I saw Jasper becoming livid that night…
Faster than I could follow he held my face between his hands.
"I told you I'm not good." He stated earnestly, hastily, with his eyes filled with tears. "But I'm trying hard to be good for you but this… darkness… It has to go somewhere so I take it elsewhere… I don't want you to see that side of me…"
"Why?" I defied him."
"Because I'm him." He snapped. "I became him and that's not who I want to be for you. So I'm as bad as I can be with others… Just so I won't be with you."
Only then I noticed his hands were trembling.
A single tear rolled down his cheek, right when I decided I didn't want to prolong that discussion.
I pulled away from his hands, effectively ceasing any physical contact, and looked away from him.
"I may never change, Edward." Jasper whispered in a hopeless tone. "I want to, but I don't know if I can." He swallowed hard. "It hasn't happened as constantly, I promise." I huffed and shook my head, still not looking at him. "Will you stay with me… If I remain like this?"
Will you? I asked myself.
You're not that strong.
"I'm not sure I can bear to be constantly hurt, Jasper." I answered honestly and brought my gaze back to his. "You know how I feel for you. I want you to want me, to have me, but only me. I don't want to share you."
"You don't share my heart." He tried to assure in a weak voice.
"You know that's not enough." I affirmed bluntly.
He sobbed slightly and silently. It felt as if my heart was cracking.
"Please... Edward…" He murmured. "Just... Stay."
I exhaled heavily as I closed my eyes… And just for a second, a mere second, I visualized us happy, completely happy and in love, with no issues jeopardizing what we were trying so hard to build between us…
And I felt my heart warming up.
I knew what I wanted and I knew I wanted to fight for it.
I opened my eyes and looked into his fiercely. I jutted my jaw and raised my hand to his face and held his chin firmly.
"Show me how much you want me." I demanded. "You can't say it, but you can show me. Prove to me you're worthy of my love…" I sighed. "Prove to me that the pain and fear I feel will be worth it... And I'll stay."
More tears dropped from his eyes as he nodded… Maybe just as many as I, only then, realized were flowing from my eyes…
Jasper ran his thumbs across my cheeks, his stare on my lips. Then he brought it back to my eyes…
His sweet soft kiss finished the conversation for the time being.
