"For fucking sake, Edward, stop fidgeting!" Ryan snapped at me.
I loosened the grip on the hem of my shirt and took a deep breath, trying to control myself.
We were in Ry's car, driving to a fancy restaurant that Monday night. We were going to a birthday dinner, one that I was so nervous to take part in that I had asked Jasper to go with my friend instead of with him.
At first, he seemed a bit disappointed. But after I explained my reasons he accepted my request with grace and told me that Ryan had been previously invited.
"I don't understand why you're so nervous, you already know Monroe and Rosalie." He added after taking a turn.
"Hey, not a word about Rosalie, please." I hastened to say. "She asked me not to…"
"I know, I'm not gonna say anything, relax." He assured me in a smile, his eyes focused on the road ahead. "Why did you come with me and not with your boyfriend?"
I huffed.
Even though I had corrected Ryan repeatedly over the last weeks, he kept referring to Jasper as my boyfriend.
"How many times will I have to tell you, huh?" My tone was slightly irritated.
As usual, Ryan chuckled, making it clear that he was, once again, teasing me.
"It may not be official, but you two are boyfriends." He insisted, a mocking smile on his lips. "You know the saying, right? If it walks like a duck…"
"Boyfriends are exclusive." I countered in a somber voice. "He isn't."
"He's trying." Ryan countered right back, his voice softer and honest. "You should give him some credit. It's so obvious he is fighting to keep you."
I got silent, unwillingly focusing on his affirmations and mulling them over along the rest of the way.
Once we arrived at the restaurant's parking lot and Ryan unbuckled his seatbelt, I hastened to take a hold of his wrist.
"There's something I need to talk to you about." My voice sounded urgent, obviously.
I saw Ry frowning and settling on his seat before turning to me with a questioning gaze.
"We're gonna be late." He warned calmly.
"I don't care." I affirmed just as placidly. "I need to understand something, and I'm not gonna get in that restaurant before I do."
There was a tense minute of silence between us before Ryan sighed resignedly.
"Okay, I know you're not stupid. I know that somehow you're aware that we talk sometimes." He finally admitted.
"Why the secret?" I questioned in a stern face. "You're the person I trust the most right now, why didn't you tell me something?"
"He asked me not to." Ry explained. "And I understand his reasons. It's not like I tell him what you tell me. What you share with me is kept and safe, I promise."
"But you know more than you let me know." I kinda accused.
Ryan shrugged.
"What he shares with me is just as private as what you share." He clarified cautiously. "I'm his friend as well, I have to be impartial."
"You told me you two were distant…"
"We were distant… Until you came into his life and he saw that you and I have a connection."
I huffed, averting my gaze for a while. I wasn't mad, just a bit bothered.
"Look, he came to talk to me to assure I wouldn't be a threat." Ryan started to speak. "It was right after that night we spent together."
"He knows we had sex." I deadpanned, still not looking at him.
"He told me you told him when I mentioned it." Ry's voice was light, unworried.
I turned to him.
"Did he ask you to monitor me?"
Ryan gasped incredulously and furrowed his eyebrows.
"Do you really think that if he had asked me to do that I would've done it?"
"You know him longer." I justified my suspicion.
"I consider you just as much as I do him." He stated, and I saw he was subtly offended.
I sighed.
"I'm sorry, Ry. It's just… You two have history…"
"We do too." He replied with a smile. "It may be recent, but… It isn't less important." It was his turn to sigh." Edward, I care about you… A lot."
"I know."
"And although Aiden and I have just gotten closer again, because of you, I must add, I've never stopped caring about him." I nodded as his stare got more intense. "He was there for me in the second-worst moment of my life, and I've never really had the chance to do the same for him 'cause he'd never opened up... But he came to me and asked for my support… I couldn't just turn my back on him."
"He asked you to support him with what?" I frowned slightly, a bit intrigued.
Ryan smiled gently and looked at me expectantly.
So it dawned on me… Jasper had asked my friend to help him with me.
"Is that what you've been doing?" I squinted.
"In a way, yeah. But not the way you're obviously thinking." He was fast to reply. "I'm just advising him, just as I advise you sometimes. As I told you, I'm not sharing with him what you share with me, besides, he never asks anything directly about you. He just needs some guidance sometimes. Like you."
I nodded, still squinting, and more curious than ever about their relationship.
"What's the story?" It just came out as usual. "I've asked him about your relationship but, he told me it's not his story to tell."
Ryan's eyes dropped and he heaved a deep sigh before becoming slightly serious.
I thought I had crossed a line and, not wanting to be intrusive and bother him, I opened my mouth to assure him it was okay if he didn't want to tell me.
But then Ry looked at me, searching my eyes for almost a whole minute, and the trust I saw in his gaze made me wait. He was telling me, he was just taking his time to do so.
"I was in my sophomore year when I met professor Hale." His tone was almost solemn as he said Jasper's surname. It surprised me. "He was teaching Psych 3232…"
That little code I knew well enough, and it took me aback so intensely that my hand flew to Ryan's arm to cut him off.
"He was teaching Psychology of trauma?!" My tone was way beyond perplexed. "Jasper was a Psychology professor?!"
Ryan's face showed me I had startled him, but he nodded anyway and then furrowed his eyebrows.
"Well, actually he is a Doctor in Psychology." He clarified slowly and my jaw dropped. "When I met him he was in the third year of his doctorate and that was basically why we became closer, to begin with. I was looking for a dissertation advisor, he happened to be working with PTSD for his doctorate thesis, and that was my chosen topic."
"Wait a minute, I need to assimilate all this." I interrupted him while shaking my head, closing my eyes, and taking a deep breath. "He's a Doctor in Psychology and you are at least a bachelor." I exhaled and looked at him again.
"I actually have a PsyD in clinical." He said as if it was nothing.
I gasped.
"Next thing you're gonna say that you two met at Georgia Tech." I sounded skeptical.
To my sheer surprise, Ryan pursed his lips and arched his eyebrows high on his forehead as if his reply was obvious.
"What the fuck?!" I could feel my eyes about to pop out of their sockets. "We've been friends for a while now, how could this information have been left out?"
"You never asked me about my higher education." He shrugged.
"I understand Jasper not telling me any of this, it's his normal not to tell me much about him, but... You?" I huffed. "Has it never crossed your mind to, I don't know, at least, comment that you studied at the same university as me? Or that you graduated from the same course I'm taking?" And then I sounded offended.
Well, I felt a bit offended. After all, why did they both kept it as if it was a dirty secret?
"It isn't a big deal, Edward." He tried to reason.
Deep down inside my head I knew he was right but, I felt almost betrayed, I wasn't sure why.
"Do you want to know the rest of the story or not?" He asked me neutrally.
I checked my watch… We were late already but I had the feeling that was important for me to learn. And besides… I wasn't really in a hurry to get inside the restaurant. I was still nervous about meeting with Jasper's family.
"Go on." I said grumpily to Ryan.
He sighed and turned to me a little more.
"I approached him about my dissertation one day and he was instantly interested in my project, so we started to work together on it." He continued in an uninflected tone. "We would spend some time together four to five days a week so, we became relatively close.
I'm not sure how or when we started to share a bit more about ourselves but, I know that at some point I told him I was gay and he told me he was too, so I told him about my family, he told me a bit about his, and we saw we had some things in common…" He shrugged. "We started going out together just to hang out."
He paused, seemingly preparing himself somehow. I didn't really understand so I just waited for him to resume.
"I was dating a guy... Sean." Right in the name his voice cracked subtly, but he didn't stop. "He was a bit possessive of me, so obviously he was jealous. He demanded to meet my new friend so I took him with me one night that I was supposed to meet with Aiden. They met and it was okay but, Aiden acted really weird when we were leaving and asked me to look for him the next morning after my classes.
So at lunch the following day he told me he knew an abusive man when he saw one, and that I should be careful with my boyfriend. I ended up sharing some of the concerns I had about Sean, and Aiden advised me, and from then on he became sort of my confidant. Things between Sean and I went on just as usual for some time. Meanwhile, Aiden met Gabriel, my childhood best friend and dorm roommate. They hit it off instantly and started to hang out, and because they got closer, Aiden and I got even closer."
That information made me uneasy, I was uncertain why. Probably because I was in love with Jasper, so any mention about him having any kind of possible romantic attachment with other people bothered me.
Ryan read right through me as always.
"At first I thought there was something going on between them." He said looking knowingly at me. "Gabe actually fell hard for him, and they were constantly together, but they both affirmed several times they were just friends."
I just nodded, not convinced.
Ryan sighed and shook his head before resuming.
"After a heated fight we had one night, again because of his possessiveness, I broke up with Sean. He was obviously upset but I would've never foreseen he would beat me… I was able to defend myself until Gabe arrived at our dorm and called the police. Aiden showed up at the hospital and he seemed really disturbed when Gabe told him what had happened." Ryan sighed heavily and I did the same, knowing pretty well why Jasper had reacted that way. "Life went on normally for the following month or so… But then one night…"
He cut himself off, suddenly out of breath. I rested my hand over his shoulder and he smiled gratefully at me, understanding my gesture.
"It was late." He resumed after a deep breath. "It was around three in the morning when I felt something in my mouth and then a hand over my lips. I swallowed it involuntarily, it was a pill or something like it… And then I opened my eyes and saw Sean over me." This time he literally choked on air and gasped, bending his head for a moment.
"You don't need to go on." I assured him, taking his hand in mine.
I already knew what was coming in that story, it was too fucking obvious. And the subtle similarities between the way Ryan was acting and Jasper had acted when he told me his story almost three weeks before were too many to ignore. He didn't need to relive all that just so I would quench my curiosity.
But Ryan took another deep breath and looked at me decidedly.
"Sean drugged me..." He said in a broken whisper. "And raped me, and that's not even the worst of it…" He paused again, breathing forcefully. "He made me watch as he did the same to Gabe."
Oh. My fucking. God!
I was appalled. There was nothing, not a single word that made any kind of sense for me to say… So I just took one of his hands in mine and squeezed it, trying to convey I was there for him.
"I couldn't do anything… I had no strength, I practically couldn't move my body because of the drug…" He shook his head. "It was… heinous."
"Ry, please." I appealed. "You don't need to tell me anything else, I don't want to put you through this."
He shook his head.
"It's the first time since I put it behind me that I'm telling someone about it." He sighed and smiled weakly at me. "I want you to know. You're my friend and I want you to know me… And this is part of my story."
I nodded, understanding.
"Aiden was the first person I thought of calling… He was at our dorm in a blink and took us to the hospital. He was also the one that denounced Sean and helped us go through all the legal procedures… He gave us psychological support, he found a therapist for us…" He heaved a strong sigh. "What he did for me was beyond anything I could ever do for him… So you see… Giving him some support now that he needs it is nothing but a fragment of what I can do to reciprocate."
I couldn't agree more, and then I finally comprehended every word they had both uttered to me in defense of the other.
"I'm sorry for what you've been through, Ry." I said softly and he squeezed back my hand. "And I'm also sorry I practically made you tell me all this."
"I've been wanting to tell you for some time now, actually. I just didn't find the right time." He said after shaking his head slightly.
My phone started to buzz in my pocket, and I suspected who was calling but I didn't pick it up.
Ryan caught the buzzing sound, though.
"Aren't you taking it?" He asked in a lighter tone. "We are pretty late."
I nodded but didn't move.
"I want to ask you just one more thing if you're okay with it." He nodded. "Do you know why Jasper quit his academic career?"
"I'm not sure…" Ryan said with an honest stare. "But… After Gabe…" He paused, took a deep breath while squeezing his eyes, and looked back at me. "Gabe never overcame the trauma… And he committed suicide three months later. Aiden never talked to me about it but I know it hit him hard. I was beside him when he read what Gabe wrote to him and the way he reacted…" He shook his head slowly, despondently. "I don't know if it's related, but he became even more closed in himself after that. He was still there when I graduated and for one more year after that, but then he just…" He shrugged. "Quit."
"What did Gabe write to him?" The question just came out before I could withhold it.
Ryan furrowed his eyebrows, clearly thinking.
"I don't remember everything but… There was something about how Aiden had been important to him and that he should follow his dreams and stop sabotaging himself."
My phone restarted to buzz.
"Okay, it's time for us to get in." Ryan determined. "We can talk more about it in another moment if you have any more questions. I don't mind answering." He assured me with a tender smile.
Although I was deeply disturbed by all I had learned, I smiled right back… Ryan's smiles were infectious after all.
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter13#
Monroe's birthday dinner had actually been nice… At least for me. Jasper had acted normally with me, with no PDAs, sure, but also with no distance. All the people at the table knew about us, which meant we didn't need to restrain our usual interaction but, we were discreet nevertheless.
I felt bad for Ryan, though… Not because of all he had told me, he didn't seem affected by that at all, but actually because he had to sit there and eat right before the object of his affection, Emmet… And his fiancée.
He was trying so hard to look okay that his face was weirding me out and making me more attentive to his every move. So when I noticed him sighing deeply and bending his head I immediately knew he wasn't fine, which made me react automatically.
I reached for his hand and squeezed it… Over the table.
And then three simultaneous things happened faster than I could follow…
I felt every pair of eyes around turning to me and I looked up, obviously feeling embarrassed, just as a tall, strong, really blond, and actually really handsome man stopped behind Monroe.
"Good evening." He greeted with a deep voice but clearly hesitantly, his eyes on Jasper.
It took me just seeing Jasper's reaction to deduce who that man was, even before he spoke.
"Max." Jasper uttered in a barely-there voice.
