This is a fucking nightmare… I just wish I could wake up from it.

As my steps brought me closer to what I already suspected that I was going to see, my heartbeats accelerated and my throat got dry.

I knew those sounds so well by then… his sounds, the sounds he made when we were having sex.

My vision was blurred, I couldn't see well but I kept walking as if I was in a weird trance. Once I reached Jasper's room, I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath before stopping at the ajar door.

The sounds were loud enough to leave no more doubt about what the people inside the room were doing. It was just a matter of looking to confirm.

I was shaking thoroughly. I was terrified of the truth… The truth that I had fought so hard to dismiss.

Forcing myself to the limit of my strength, I opened my eyes and promptly had to cover my mouth to contain the gasp.

Time seemed to cruelly slow down as I took in what was before me.

Jasper was at the side of his bed, his upper body bent forward, his hands splayed on his mattress to support him. He was completely naked, he had his eyes tightly closed and his lips slightly parted.

He was grunting continuously.

His head was tilted back, his hair was wrapped around a big hand that was holding and pulling his strands harshly as if they were reins.

The hand belonged to Maxence… who was right behind him, also completely bare, fucking him.

My stomach churned violently and I thought I was about to throw up… but somehow I managed to control the urge to vomit. I could feel the tears running down my face but I didn't have any strength left to move my hands to dry them.

My mind was empty…

I wasn't even sure why I did what I did next.

I looked at Jasper's cock… I guess I was moved by the sick need to have final confirmation. It was hard… rock hard as in the few times I topped him. He was enjoying it.

I turned my back to the grotesque scene and closed my eyes. The sounds kept reaching my ears and hitting my heart like potent stabs, and I felt as if I was shattering from the inside.

"Fuck!" Jasper's loud exclamation reached me, and that was the final straw.

It worked like a hefty shove. My feet got in motion without my conscious consent as a potent sob bubbled up my throat. It was indeed a good thing that my hand was still covering my mouth… I didn't want either of the men inside that room to know I was there.

As I made my way back to the front door, I feared I wouldn't be able to keep myself together until I was far from there.

Hold it, Edward. Hold it till you get home. You can do it.

I needed to hurry if I wanted to maintain a semblance of control over my crashing emotions and drive without killing myself. The truth was that I had no more strength, not even a sliver of it. I felt like lying on the floor in a fetal position and just cry until I disappeared. But I couldn't give in, that would be way more humiliating.

So I kept forcing my steps forward. As fast as I could. And working my mind to maintain me till the last possible moment.

You're not really breaking… Just keep it together, at least for some more minutes. You're almost out.

Soon enough I got to my car. It had actually been faster than I had thought possible and this fact kinda boosted my self-assurance a little. I exhaled heavily while starting the car.

I was driving out of Jasper's property before another round of warm thick tears started to trickle down my face.

I ignored them and kept taking deep breaths, focused on the road ahead of me. I arrived safe and sound at my apartment, although I felt like I had taken a beating.

I was able to get into my bedroom and sit on my bed.

My eyes fell to a little round black thing on my bedside table… A hair tie… Jasper's hair tie.

My throat constricted strongly.

My eyes stung painfully.

It seemed like my chest was about to explode.

Sobbing so hard that I could barely breathe, I gave in… I let the hurt and the despair smash me, I fell apart.

And for the rest of the night, there was only overpowering pain…

#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter19#

I thought I had heard my phone ringing, but I was so tired that I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes let alone move to reach my bedside table or wherever I had thrown my phone last night.

It was just when the distant banging became louder and clearer that I couldn't pretend I was dead anymore.

Forcefully I opened my eyes. I sighed heavily and angrily once the banging turned more constant.

"What the fuck?!" I mumbled under my breath as I got up unwillingly.

I strode to my door and yanked it open, ready to roar a "leave me alone" to whoever was bothering me.

But as soon as I saw his small eyes widened and his porcelain face as red as a tomato, my exasperation just vanished.

"Are you trying to give me a fucking heart attack?" Ryans voice was harder and louder than usual. He sounded pretty distressed. "What the fuck happened?"

He got in striding and stopped at the arch of the corridor.

I closed the door and walked slowly toward my couch. I sat on it, and looked at him dispiritedly.

"What are you talking about?"

"I saw you arriving last night. You were a hundred feet from the bar and outta the blue you just turned and walked away, looking like shit." Ryan hurried through the words, giving away he was really anxious. "I waited for you to come back to check what was wrong but you never did, so I called you. And on my break, I went outside and didn't see your car so I called you again. You never answered. And I've been calling you nonstop. I thought something grave had happened!"

"Something grave did happen." I said dishearteningly. "Did you call Jasper?"

"No, I knew you weren't with him."

"How?" I frowned.

Ryan sighed and then furrowed his eyebrows.

"He called me last night before I got to the club. He told me he had something pressing to do and asked me to keep an eye on you." He shrugged.

I huffed, feeling so fucking damn stupid.

"Yeah, he really had something pressing to do." I scoffed, looking away from my friend's face. "Maxence."

"What?!"

I looked at Ryan while feeling my chest warming up in anger.

"He was doing Maxence last night." I stated and then shook my head. "Or better saying, Maxence was doing him." Ryan frowned even more. "They were fucking." I snapped.

And then the fucking tears came back, welling up my sore swollen eyes as another round of damned sobs racked my throat.

I covered my face with both my hands and just let the crying shake my whole body… I had no strength, whatsoever, to hold it back.

Ryan's arms were suddenly around me, warm and comforting… I turned into them and rested my head on his chest as he held me securely.

He didn't say a word… He just kept me in his embrace for as long as I cried… And he was still holding me once I started to calm down and raised my head to look at him.

"Why did he do this to me?" My voice was croaky and breaking in all the words.

Ryan sighed and raised his hands to my face, running his thumbs under my eyes and across my cheeks gently.

"I don't know." He replied cautiously. "Are you sure of it? How do you…"

"I saw them!" I hastened to explain. "They were at Jasper's house, in his room, the same room he..." I cut myself off and squeezed my eyes shut.

"You should clear it up with him…" Ryan spoke with obvious hesitance. "What if what you saw wasn't really what it seemed?"

I chuckled darkly while rubbing the back of my hands against my eyes.

"Believe me, Ryan, what I saw was exactly what was happening. There was no room for doubt." The hurt was evident in my voice.

Ryan sighed, looking compassionately at me.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I really am, I didn't think he would do anything like it, I thought he truly hated the guy, and…" He paused and, after searching my eyes, probably to check if I was okay to hear what he would say next, he resumed. "I really believe he loves you. This doesn't make any sense."

I sobbed outta nowhere.

"It really doesn't." I croaked and then took a huge breath in and swallowed the crying.

I had cried enough.

"What are you gonna do?" Ry asked in such a kind caring way, it was so opposite to the way he was speaking when he'd gotten there, that I involuntarily smiled.

Before replying, I let a heavy exhalation leave me.

"The obvious. It's over." I forced the words out and shrugged.

"Won't you give him a chance to explain?"

"What's the point?" I asked dejectedly. "It's ruined, and this time there's no mending it. Not after that."

After heaving a weighted sigh, Ryan nodded. I nodded too and another round of tears flooded my eyes.

Ry pulled me to him and made me rest my head on his chest while I began to cry again.

#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter19#

"Do you want me to go in with you?" Ry asked an hour or so later as we stopped in front of the office.

It was around nine in the morning, and I was supposed to be taking a quiz at college, but I needed to just get that over with.

I looked at the wood door of the small room in the back of the club and shivered.

"I need to do this by myself." I said that more to me than to Ryan, and I was not sure if he heard it.

I inhaled deeply and slowly, held the knob, closed my eyes, and turned it.

The first thing I saw as my stare faced the inside of the room was him at this desk and dealing with papers.

I stepped in hesitantly, wincing as the door closed behind me. He raised his eyes.

Jasper's face brightened up as he saw me. He smiled his best dimpled smile and stood up.

"Freckles…"

He seemed so fucking happy to see me…

My heart seemed so small all of a sudden…

You have to do this.

I looked down and crossed the room in only three large steps.

"I thought you were at college…"

I ignored the way his husky voice affected me, placed the document I had in my hand over the pile of papers he had in front of him, and finally raised my gaze.

"That's my resignation." My voice came out broken.

Jasper was promptly and noticeably puzzled. He frowned.

I had no intention nor strength to explain my action, and I didn't see a point in doing it anyway, so I just turned and made it to the door.

His hand was around my wrist before I could open it.

Outrage overtook me and I turned to him with my free hand already on air.

My palm hit his face so hard that his head turned and my fingers were promptly printed on his cheek.

It took him a couple of seconds to look at me again with confused eyes.

I just let my instinct and pain talk through me. I slapped his face again… harder.

Jasper didn't turn his head back then, he just closed his eyes.

"I saw you with him." I blurted out, and the words were laced with disgust. He brought his widened eyes to mine in haste. "Last night."

He was suddenly livid, all the color on his face fading as if he had seen a ghost, making the marks my fingers had left stand out.

"I don't wanna see you ever again." I stated dryly.

I didn't wait to see hir reaction. I left the room before he had the chance to say something, and then I was out of the club and striding to my car.

It was only once I started the engine that I noticed Ryan coming and remembered he had gone there with me for support. I waited for him to get in and drove away faster than usual.

We didn't exchange a word the whole way to his place, and I was so thankful for that…

I stopped in front of his building.

"You can stay with me or we can go wherever." He affirmed caringly. "What do you need?" He asked gently.

I looked at him.

"I need to be alone for a while." I answered in an unexpectedly firm voice. He nodded. "But I'll be okay, I promise."

"Just call me if things get rougher, okay?"

It was my turn to nod. Ryan smiled softly and ruffled my hair before leaving the car.

I could feel his eyes on me as I took just a minute to breathe slowly while strengthening a decision that I had made just some hours before.

Letting the air leave me in a gush, I started the car and drove away.

#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter19#

"What time do you think you'll arrive?" Dimitri asked me from the other end.

"Around five if I leave in half an hour." I answered while placing the bag next to the door.

"Did you get the location?"

"Yep! Don't worry, Dimi, I can find my way to your house. Will Linda be there?"

"Yes, she'll be waiting for you with your niece and nephew." My brother seemed really hyped by that perspective. "Call me once you hit the road, okay?"

I opened my mouth to answer him but a knock on my door stopped me.

Since I was close to it I just reached the knob out with my free hand and opened it.

I was frozen for a split second.

"Dimi, I'll call you back." I said on the phone.

I didn't wait for my brother's answer, I just locked my phone and put it in my pocket before looking again at the visitor.

"I'm pretty sure that three days ago I told you I didn't want to see you again." My voice came out low but dry.

Jasper moistened his lips subtly.

"Please, let's talk." He asked with a broken voice.

"We have nothing else to talk about." I replied while rolling my eyes. "Please, leave me alone." I asked tiredly.

"Edward… Please." He begged, and his sad eyes were pleading with me too.

I closed mine and huffed.

Why are you doing this? You're so stupid!

I gestured for him to come in, but I left the door open. Jasper walked slowly to the living room and turned to me.

"You have five minutes." I stated.

As he parted and closed his lips several times before looking away from me, I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the puffy eyelids.

I didn't focus on them or on their probable cause, though… Whatever fragment of pain he hypothetically had felt with my absence was totally okay by me, he deserved it.

Jasper sighed and carded his fingers through his loose hair and brought his dejected gaze back to mine with a pleading countenance.

"Would you… Give me another chance...?"

Outrage overtook me just like it did three days prior. I strode until I was practically on his face.

"What the hell do you think I am, your little toy?" I asked harshly but in a low tone. "Do you have any idea of what you put me through?"

"I-I…" He tried to reply.

But I didn't let him speak.

"Did he drug you? What I saw, did that happen against your will?"

He took some seconds before pursing his lips and shaking his head negatively.

I chuckled darkly and nodded.

"I didn't see him putting a gun to your head or you trying to get away, so I guess I can assume it wasn't a rape." Right there my voice was almost as brutal as my words.

Jasper flinched clearly when the word "rape" reached his ears and his eyes welled up in tears.

"You don't need to be cruel." He uttered in a broken whisper.

I took a step back.

"I'm not as half as cruel as the whole thing was to me, Jasper." I gave back relentlessly. "Can you phantom what I felt when I saw you with him?" My heart hurt and my throat burned with the memory. I felt my eyes welling up as my voice trembled. "Do you have any idea of how I felt when I understood that you were not only letting him fuck you but enjoying it?"

Jasper raised his hands to touch me but I took another step back while shaking my head no.

"How could you do that to me?" I choked in an unexpected sob. "I thought you loved me."

"I do!" He gave back promptly, stepping closer faster than I could pull away.

He held my arms firmly and looked into my eyes and my whole body responded to his touch with a shiver.

"I Lo…"

"Don't!" I cut him off, closing my eyes and turning my head away. "Don't say it, it's ruined. And I won't believe you anyway."

"Edward, please, look at me." His voice was weak and choked, I knew he was crying. "Please."

I looked at him with rage.

"Tell me why." I demanded. "Tell me the reason you let the guy that made you suffer for years, that used you, that hurt you, that raped you… tell me why you let him fuck you as if he owned you."

Jasper let go of me while scrunching up his face and shaking his head slightly, tears sliding across his face freely.

I huffed, clenched, and unclenched my teeth.

"How can you ask me for another chance when you're not even giving me a reason for having cheated on me?" My tone came out softer than I had intended, and I realized my tears were trickling down my face as well.

Jasper covered his face with his hands for a moment and then rubbed them against his skin to brush the tears away. He took a very deep breath in and then exhaled heavily.

"Would you believe me if I said that I was trying to protect you?" He asked guardedly in a dispirited voice.

I gasped, looking at him skeptically.

"No, of course not! I'm not stupid!"

He dropped his gaze.

"That's what I thought." He uttered in such a low voice that I knew he was talking to himself. Then he gazed back at me. "If you give me some time…"

"You know what? I don't wanna do this." I interrupted him. "I don't need to listen to your bullshit, I don't have to, I don't want to." I closed the distance between us again and looked fiercely into his eyes. "Did you know? I had never loved anyone before you. And I loved you so much… that I gave myself to you completely and I was willing to wait for you, to wait until you were ready." I was openly crying by then and Jasper sobbed. "I would've done anything for you… and you simply threw that away. You ruined it. You broke my heart, you shattered me…" I gasped again and stepped back looking down. "Please leave."

"Edward…"

I looked at him and immediately felt my heart clenching as I read the hurt written all over his face. But I couldn't sell myself short anymore, I deserved better. I deserved real committed love, that was what I'd given him, while his attitudes had proven that he was unable to reciprocate it.

I needed to stand my ground, even though I was going against my own heart.

I swallowed hard before speaking in earnest.

"I want this to be the last time I find us together. It's over, Jasper."

He averted his eyes and sobbed silently… He bit his lower lip and looked down while shaking his head… Then he walked to me, raised his gaze to my face slowly, and searched my eyes.

His stare was intense as never before… it trapped me in a way I couldn't react.

He took a deep breath.

"I thought I had loved before, but I know now I never did." He paused to swallow, and I had the opportunity to cut him off… but I didn't… this time I didn't because I didn't have the strength to do so… "I've only felt it for you, Edward…" He raised his hand to my face carefully, and I just let him hold it. "I love you." He whispered amid his sobs.

Right there… Right in those three little fucking words that he said then for the very first time, looking at me as if I was the only thing in his life, I was overwhelmed by the damn sixth spark, that came with a crushing certainty…

It was him.

My fucking person… the person of my life… it was him.

And I was giving him up. I had to.

A heavy sob escaped me as he hurried out of my apartment and left me there, standing in the middle of my living room with my heart bleeding.

I knew then that I loved him as I would never love anybody else because... even with the image of him being utterly fucked by his rapist burned on the forefront of my mind, I still loved him like crazy…

Another wrecking crying broke through me and, as I walked to my door and slammed it shut, I realized that there was nothing I could do, that the breaking up wouldn't change a thing, I was completely and irrevocably his…

I rested my head against the wood and broke down in more sobs, accepting the pain that would probably accompany me from then on.