I had the impression that his eyes twinkled the moment he saw me, but I couldn't be sure since he closed them momentarily and then bent his head before sighing.
"Ryan said that… You told him I could come." He said hesitantly, and his voice was so broken that it not only surprised me, it also made my heart and throat clench uncomfortably. "He told me you were willing to listen."
Jasper never raised his eyes to me while saying all that. And he kept gazing down as I took a good look at him and noticed how haggard he was.
"I thought you would call first." I just said the first thing that came to me, but it was true.
As he finally looked back at me, I perceived the lack of color on his face and the dejection in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to bother you so I just…" He seemed choked and paused to swallow. "I can come back another day, I mean, call you and check when you…" He rushed through the words.
He cut himself off because I was shaking my head negatively.
"You're already here." I acknowledge in a surprisingly stable and mild tone. "We might as well get on with it."
He vacillated, apparently bemused. He had probably expected me to react differently.
I wasn't sure why I was suddenly acting so level-headed either. I was bothered by his obvious sadness and annoyed with the realization that it had affected me so instantly. I was nervous inside, my heartbeats were hectic. So that sudden equanimity was more than unnatural to me and made me puzzled.
"It's fine, you're probably busy and I don't want to…" Jasper started in a wary voice.
I raised a hand between us to stop his babbling.
"Jasper, just get in." I actually demanded, using a gentle tone, yes, but still showing authority.
I didn't know I had it in me. And he clearly didn't know either.
He seemed amazed as he stared at me for a couple of seconds before walking into my apartment with the threat of a smile tenuously twitching his lips.
I closed the door and my eyes at the same time, taking a few deep breaths to calm down my racing heart.
I'll have closure. That's what this is about.
"Sit, please." I asked him as I walked to the corridor. "I'll just put a shirt on."
He sat on the sofa while nodding.
I made quick work of getting properly dressed and went back to the living room. I sat across from Jasper on my armchair, noticing his curious gaze at the bubble wrap roll, but I wouldn't bring up my moving away unless he asked about it.
Jasper stared at me for a moment and I just let him. I was also taking my time observing how thinner he was, how his hair looked dull, how his eyes were sunken and had dark circles under them. He was still the same gorgeous man I had fallen in love with, but Ryan had been painfully right… He looked broken.
Suddenly I was conflicted about how I should feel about it.
Jasper sighed heavily then, and I did the same.
"You look…" He cut himself off, shook his head slightly, and started again. "Your hair looks nice this way."
I involuntarily ran my hands through my chin-length hair, feeling a bit self-conscious.
"It's neglect, really." I didn't know why I was explaining myself. "I keep forgetting to have it cut."
"You should leave it like this." He commented in a tentative smile and immediately dropped his gaze to the floor.
I squinted, trying to understand his odd behavior.
"I-I… I came here to… Clear things up." He said that as if reminding himself.
"I know." I stated.
Jasper looked at me and this time he gazed into my eyes as he once used to.
"Can you listen to me? Really listening, without interrupting, I mean." He asked in such a soft tone. "There's a lot I need to tell you and most of it is… hard… to say and to hear, so…" I nodded while he shrugged. "I promise you I'll tell you every single thing and I'll answer all your questions after that, I just need to say all of it at once first."
My stomach churned and I felt a chill crawling up my spine.
"Okay." I uttered forcefully.
Jasper swallowed hard, sighed, and took a deep breath. He looked away from me for a brief while and then dropped his eyes to the floor again.
"After Monroe's birthday dinner and that ridiculous confrontation in the parking lot, Max started to call me and text me more frequently." He started in a wavering voice.
"Jasper." I called his name in a monotone. He looked at me. "If you want me to believe anything you're about to say, please, speak while looking at me."
He nodded subtly.
"I'm sorry, I just feel a little…"
Ashamed? I completed his sentence in my head involuntarily but never voiced it.
Jasper smiled sadly as if he had read my thoughts.
"...Scared of what I'll see in your eyes." He concluded.
"Probably the same you saw last time…" I muttered under my breath.
He naturally heard me and nodded slowly, dishearteningly. I just kept quiet, practically immobile.
"That's exactly what I'm afraid of." It sounded like an afterthought.
We shared an intense look for a second, but quickly I couldn't hold his gaze anymore, so I averted my eyes.
"I'm sorry I interrupted you. You can go on, it won't happen again." I said hastily before bringing my stare back at him.
He nodded once more and resumed.
"So… I didn't answer Max in any way. He wasn't getting what he wanted, so he changed his strategy. He started to harass you." He nodded once he noticed I frowned. "Yeah, in the beginning, I was aware of the texts and calls, all of them, not only that first one you told me about.
Mon was keeping tabs on your phone, on you, actually, to make sure you were safe, and he warned me every time Max contacted you. I didn't confront you because I understood you wanted to deal with it by yourself and were afraid of making me worry or worsen the tension. I didn't want you to feel like I was patronizing you either. So I just remained alert and tried to respect your bearing."
He paused briefly, breathing forcefully deep.
"That afternoon that he went after you in that restaurant…" He resumed carefully. "That's when I realized things were more serious than I had first supposed.
I was so scared that he had done something to you when I got Mon's message… I just stood up and left the meeting I was in without an explanation and hurried to get to you. I arrived there just as Ryan got out of his car. I was gonna get in and see how you were… But then Max was right before me.
He wanted me to listen to him. I didn't. I confronted him about threatening you, about following you there, and he told me he would leave you alone if I agreed to talk. I told him to go to hell but I was afraid… I knew he wouldn't stop there. That's why I went to pick you up, and that's also why I suggested our trip to Jonesboro.
It was him on the phone when we got to the club that night. I hated myself for lying to you, but I had to… I knew you were scared, I was too, so I didn't want to stoke the tension. He again insisted on meeting me and having a serious conversation, and once more I told him to fuck off.
The next day I had a serious talk with Mon and he assured me that you were safe and that he was taking care of the matter, that I shouldn't worry, so I relaxed a little. But then the ransack happened."
Jasper stopped, bent his head, and took a long deep breath in. He remained silent for a moment, seeming even more hesitant than before.
"I knew it was his doing the moment I saw how your apartment was." Jasper said slowly, carefully, before looking at me again. "Because he had sent me a message the day before, telling me that he would make me listen to him one way or another…" He exhaled heavily. "When I asked you to go to your car..." It sounded like a question and he had his eyebrows arched high in an interrogative look, so I nodded. "I was afraid he was in the apartment somewhere, waiting for you. As soon as you were gone I called the police. I checked every room while I spoke to them. Max wasn't there… But he had left a message in your room. There was a picture of us from the night before when we were walking to the elevator hand in hand. On the back was written 'break up or I'll break you'. I was terrified. I knew in my guts he would do something to you if I kept saying no to him. I had to do something."
Tears welled up in my eyes as the echo of his emotions reached me. The fear he had felt was written in his eyes, on his facial expression, it was underlining his tone.
But I didn't want him to notice how affected I was. I had to swallow slowly and inhale deeply to maintain the neutral facade.
"I called Mon…" Jasper continued, his voice unstable. "I asked for advice, for help… I was desperate. He tried to reassure me, to calm me down, but it was useless because, although he was already doing everything he could, I knew it wasn't enough. Max was getting impatient and angry. And I knew the result of that combination well.
So I called him. I asked him what he wanted from me, I was willing to do anything to keep him away from you. He told me he just wanted a chance to talk. I agreed to meet him and then we talked.
He told me he wanted to make a deal… he wanted me to spend time with him so he could try changing my mind and my heart… so he could try to win me back. He also told me he would leave us alone if he didn't make me fall back for him.
He would never get what he wanted because my heart was already yours, there was nothing he could do to change that. And I knew he wouldn't just accept defeat… He would never just walk away once he realized I wasn't going back to him, but accepting the deal would buy me some time. He would be too distracted to do something against you, and Mon would have the time he needed to collect enough evidence against him… So I agreed.
It killed me every single time I lied to you to be with him… but I tried not to cross any more lines, I kept my distance, and he respected it… for a while. But then he wanted more… He wanted to… get closer… to kiss me, to touch me…"
He cut himself off in a heavy exhale and bent his upper body forward.
A trembling sigh left me involuntarily, and my heart started to pound a bit erratically again.
Jasper raised his glossy full-of-tears eyes to mine and took a deep breath.
"He asked me point-blank to have sex with him." He choked on his words and sobbed, and I averted my eyes because the pain elicited from the memories was too fucking harsh. "I said no, and told him we were not meeting again, I was stopping that shit then and there. And that was exactly what I was decided to do but… the next day you were at the hospital..." As his voice cracked and he sobbed again I looked at him and saw his eyes laid on my shirt-covered thorax.
Suddenly I was too aware of the scar on my chest… The scar I was already scheduled to have covered the following day...
Jasper brought his dejected stare back to mine as tears slid down his cheeks.
"I'm so sorry for that, Edward… It was my fault."
I could say nothing, too shaken by the memories. Jasper just went on amid soft sobs.
"He did it to get my attention, to prove to me that he would do whatever it took to get what he wanted. And that was precisely why I couldn't fight anymore. I had to give in." He raised his hands to his face, dried his tears, took a long breath in, and gazed into my eyes gravely. "Maxence was at my doorstep when I was leaving my house to go to the hospital after Ryan called me. He told me what he had arranged to be done to you… And he promised me he would do even worse… worse than what he had done to me before I broke up with him… if I didn't do as he said." He stopped, stared at me with a disheartened countenance, and sighed. "He told me with all the words, Edward…" His voice cracked again. "He graphically described the cruelty with which he would rape you."
My stomach dropped. My heart sank. I felt as if my blood had turned cold.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Would you believe me if I said that I was trying to protect you?"
I bent my head before opening my eyes. I stared hard at the floor.
"He had a dire reason to act the way he did. He had to make a choice, a damn hard one."
The memories of Jasper's and Ryan's words bombarded me, and suddenly everything made sense, but I was completely at a loss of what I was supposed to think or how I was supposed to feel.
The truth… The fucking damn truth that I so selfishly, so blindly refused to accept, it hit me like a freight train.
Unaware of what was happening in my mind, Jasper continued in a melancholic voice.
"Of course my first thought was to call Mon as soon as possible and tell him everything, he would know what to do to protect you but…" He chuckled sadly. "Max told me he was aware of the protection detail… He said I had to keep quiet or else he would just make good on his threat faster." He shrugged. "There was nothing more I could do. I couldn't ask anyone for help and I couldn't risk your safety, I knew his threats weren't empty. So I agreed." He heaved a sigh. "I asked him for some time, I told him I needed to do this my way, and, incredibly, he accepted. I just needed to prepare myself psychologically…
That night I did something I hadn't done in more than fifteen years, just to be able to bear what I was about to face. I didn't want to think of you, of us, because I couldn't taint what we had… I didn't want to face it either, I didn't have the strength to but, I was afraid that, if I didn't go through with it, Max would retaliate. I had to be there, I had to be fully present, or at least present enough to meet his expectations… but I also had to be out of my head… I couldn't do that sober.
So when Max arrived I was pretty drugged. I was conscious enough to function, but high to the point of not caring about whatever he did to me. I also drank..." He exhaled forcefully while squeezing his eyes shut for a split second, then he looked at me with pleading eyes. "I don't remember half of it, I promise."
He remained silent for a moment while I tried to digest all that information… He seemed expectant somehow, and I knew why, but that wasn't the moment.
I was still processing the fact that he really had faced his rapist to protect my well-being, and that what I had seen wasn't him enjoying what was happening, but rather the effect of the drugs he'd taken.
"What did you use?" The question just came out before I could stop myself.
He seemed surprised and then hesitant, I didn't really get why.
"Coke and molly." He uttered warily, gazing at me as if waiting for something.
My heart skipped a beat and I widened my eyes involuntarily.
"Together?!" I sounded as indignant as I felt.
"I didn't take them at the same time." He seemed a bit embarrassed. "I used coke, took molly some minutes later, and then I used coke again as a top-up."
"With alcohol." It wasn't a question and I didn't even try to hide my disapproval.
Jasper nodded cautiously.
I huffed.
"You could've had a heart attack, you know that, right?"
He stared at me with an unreadable expression on his face. Then he looked down, sighed, licked his lips, and gazed back at me… His eyes were, once again, supplicant.
"I couldn't do that sober." He repeated in a barely-there voice. "I wouldn't be able to go through with it."
I shut up immediately, I couldn't argue with that. I could barely imagine how he had felt… and was obviously still feeling. I was fucking angry at him for putting his life at risk like that but… I understood why he did it.
Cautiously, after what seemed like a very long while, Jasper carded his fingers through his hair and then leaned forward.
"Edward, I can't tell you how sorry I am for the lies, the secrecy... and especially not for what I put you through." He said as if the words were hurting to come out. His countenance was repentant. "I know the way I did it was the worst possible, but I really was trying to protect you." His eyes were so downcast, and plainly pleading with me… I couldn't doubt his words. "Also, I had never wanted you to find that out the way you did. I had all the intention of telling you everything once it was over, and I was totally aware of the possibility of losing you because of that, but I need you to know that I've never even thought of deceiving you."
I couldn't hold his gaze because, first, it was too intense, too supplicant, too fucking honest… and second, the memories of that night came rushing back to me and the hurt bordered the unbearable… So I looked away.
I heard him sighing.
"I'm not trying to justify having cheated on you." He uttered softly and his voice trembled. I looked at him impulsively. "I know I hurt you pretty badly, way more than you let it show." He nodded while saying that and I did the same as tears came to my eyes. "I'm completely aware of how grave my actions were, and I didn't tell you all this so you would pity me or shut your eyes to what happened. I told you all this because I needed you to know the truth… and to know that you're safe now. It's over, Max will never bother you again."
That baffled me, so I couldn't contain the curiosity.
"What do you mean?" I blurted out as I leaned heavily on the backrest of the armchair.
Jasper too straightened up.
"He's in jail, and he's not getting out of there any time soon." Jasper breathed heavily. "He was convicted of rape and aggravated harassment a month ago." He smiled very softly, I guess in response to the spontaneous smile of relief that twitched my lips. "He was sentenced to twenty-two years."
"So Monroe got all the evidence you needed…"
"He got way more…" He seemed relieved too. "But let me explain it all, the details made all the difference.
Max had his henchmen doing his dirty job. He had two guys monitoring our every step, he knew where you and I were all the time and he had both our phones tapped. Monroe even found out that he had someone inside the agency, and that's how he knew we were being protected. So, he believed that we would never be able to prove he was behind all that, and that even if we were, all the evidence we had, the messages, the calls recordings, the agent's reports, they would only enable us to press harassment charges and get a restraining order against him. He was counting on it, that was why he was so unconcerned about what he was doing.
Mon was trying to dig more because just impeding him from getting near us wouldn't be enough, it wouldn't guarantee your safety or mine.
And that's partly why I was actually glad when I found out about your trip to Washington.
When Mon told me you were with your brother, I knew you were safe. And that made me muster enough courage to open up to him about what I had done, before I had to do it again…"
These last few words of his made me frown and blurt out a very stupid question.
"He had asked you to do it again?" I sounded outraged.
Jasper nodded with dismay.
"He had demanded that I met him again the following week." He confirmed and I huffed. "And I was going to meet him because I was still afraid of what he would do to you if I didn't… But once Mon guaranteed he wouldn't get close to you, I saw a chance there. I wanted out… I needed out. And since you were not in immediate danger, I told Mon everything and asked him to help me. And that's what changed everything.
You see, when Max raped me seventeen years ago, and Monroe took me to the hospital, he'd actually had me take a forensic examination. I didn't know about it at the time, he knew I didn't want it, so he didn't tell me. I had thought that it had been just a normal examination, just for me to be checked and to assure him and Rose that I was okay.
But Mon had a report filled out, and Rose kept all the documents when I decided not to press charges against Max. They had respected my decision back then, even though they didn't agree with it.
Mon told me he would never use that evidence unless I allowed him to because it was my decision to make, it would expose me and he knew that bringing back everything I went through had a disastrous potential. He had been considering it, though, and was waiting for an opportunity to talk to me about it.
Max's coercion gave him the reason he needed. Mon was so enraged after I told him everything, that he was here the next day. He came with my sister and clarified his past actions.
I allowed him to use the evidence on the spot."
"But how could evidence from seventeen years ago still be used?" I blurted out the question, feeling very confused.
Jasper smiled slightly.
"DNA identification." He explained simply. "There are no statutes of limitation for rape if the rapist is identified by DNA."
I released the air in a puff as I was taken by bafflement.
"That means you had all the evidence you needed to press charges against Max, not only for what he'd been doing to us but also for what he did to you in the past?"
Jasper just nodded, and I smiled.
At that very moment, I felt truly washed by riddance.
"So it's really over…" Even my voice sounded lighter.
"It is." Jasper confirmed with a subtle, cautious smile. "It is all over." He turned serious out of the blue. "We couldn't prove that he was responsible for your assault, though… but Monroe is still trying to collect evidence of that…"
"There's no need, I'm glad it's all over." I assured him, still smiling, but my heart was sore… I felt for him. "I'm just truly sorry for what you had to face… To get it to be over." We both sighed at the same time. "Jasper, I had no idea… I was so stupid, I'm sorry I didn't believe you."
He shook his head.
"There was no way you could know, I understand. You have nothing to be sorry for."
"You did that to protect me. You went through your worst nightmare just to…" I shook my head and closed my eyes for an instant and then looked at him with sorrow. "I'm the reason you had to do that…"
"Hey, don't." He spoke earnestly. "I did what I had to do, and I would've done it again, as many times as necessary, if that had meant you were safe."
How could I respond to that? There were just no words to reply…
And the worst thing was… As we stared at each other in silence and I assimilated what he had done for me, what all that meant, what it proved, and read in his guarded eyes the expectation he was vainly trying to hide, I felt guilty...
I felt guilty because none of that changed what I thought was best for me.
I looked down. I took a deep breath. I sighed and brought my eyes back to his with dismay.
I had to swallow the strange lump in my throat before speaking.
"I… I understand everything now." My voice was unsteady, and Jasper's eyebrows twitched as he clearly focused more on me. "And I believe you, I promise I do. But after everything that we faced, everything that I went through with you, I… I don't think I can…" I heaved a sigh, forcing my heart and my brain to slow down. "What I mean is, although I know why you did it, and this notion changes the way I see you now... it doesn't change everything... I don't know if I… I-I… it has always been so strenuous for us to make it work, I'm not trying to hurt you, but I have to be honest… I don't see the point. I'm tired of hurting and I can't keep putting my heart to the test…"
"I understand." He assured me with a tender gaze, his voice cracking at the end. "As I said, I didn't come here or told you all of it to try to win you back…'' A single tear trickled down his face and ended up provoking some of mine to slide across my cheeks. Jasper sniffled and wiped it off. "Although… I do want you to know that I…" He cut himself off and breathed deeply. "My feelings for you… they are still the same. And if... anything changes..." He spoke very guardedly. "If you ever change your mind... know that I'll always be waiting for you." He said that last sentence earnestly.
And then it seemed all my blood had warmed up and rushed to my heart, filling it so much it seemed it was swollen.
I just couldn't find my voice.
I bent my head and covered my face with my hands. I brushed my tears away as I looked back at him.
Jasper blinked a bit more than normal before looking away from my face and heaved a weighted sigh. His eyes stopped at the bubble wrap roll and became a bit more downcast.
"You're moving." It wasn't a question.
"Yeah." I replied anyway.
He brought his eyes to me and I promptly saw the fear in them.
"Closer to college?"
I sighed.
"In a way…"
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't pry." He interrupted me with a gentle voice.
I just felt that I owed it to him… He told me the truth, he gave me closure, I wanted to do the same for him.
"It's okay." I assured him. "You'll soon know about it anyway, so…" I shrugged and he nodded. "I've got my course transferred. I'll be finishing it in California, I'm moving to San Diego."
Jasper clearly didn't even try to hide the sadness that made his face fall even more.
My heart clenched painfully in my chest and I unconsciously held the air in my lungs.
His bottom lip trembled subtly before he released a puff of air.
"That's…" He breathed. "I…" He shook his head, looking all sorts of confused. "I don't really know what to say." He apparently confessed. He sounded profoundly disappointed, but oddly resigned.
I nodded warily, feeling as if something was cracking inside me.
"I don't know either." It was just a murmur.
"I don't want you to go." He blurted out, his eyes widening right after he uttered those words.
It took me a whole minute to be able to reply.
"I can't stay." I stated. "It would be too hard… Having you within reach."
"Edward, maybe if we…" He tried with a pleading tone.
"We can't make it work." I hastened to say, and Jasper promptly quietened. "We've tried. We failed." I swallowed hard as the tears in his eyes glistened and made me realize I had more unshed tears of my own. "I told you, I can't risk my heart or my sanity again. I'm sorry."
He took a deep breath before shaking his head slowly.
"I'm the one who's sorry." He sounded defeated. Then he stood up. "I guess I should go. I've already taken a lot of your time."
I didn't disagree with him, although I had nothing to do. I just couldn't have him so close for any more time… It was hurting a lot, having to hold myself back.
I stood up too while watching him bend his head a little and run both his hands through his hair to tie it into a loose bun with one of his black elastics. My hands itched to feel those strands again so I looked away from the temptation.
"It's a nice picture." His lifeless voice reached me and I brought my eye to him again.
I felt a little weird as I realized that he had his face turned toward my fireplace and was staring at the only picture frame I had over the mantle shelf.
"You look really happy with him." He said before turning back to me.
I immediately understood what he was thinking.
I could've let him think that I was already in another relationship. It would have made our separation easier on him, or maybe not…
But either way, I just didn't want to lie to him.
"I was happy with him that day. I am, actually." I said with no inflection in my voice. "That's Dimitri." I added and observed carefully his face before I said the next words. "My brother."
The smile that graced his lips was so honest and relieved that it reached his eyes.
I couldn't hold off my smile in return.
"I'm happy you reconciled with him." Jasper said in a wholehearted tone.
My smile broadened.
"I am too."
Jasper moved slowly to the door and I followed him silently. Once I opened it he turned to me.
He was so close that I could feel his scent… and it was making my heart beat so fast…
He looked at me with gleamy eyes once more and I just knew what he was about to say. I could read the emotion, the feeling that he was showing me through his gaze.
There had been times that I longed so much to hear those words…
That was not one of them.
I held my breath.
"Edward, I…" He started but cut himself off as I dropped my stare while shaking my head vigorously.
I just wasn't strong enough to hear it.
"I know." I replied in a whisper. "I do too." I said a bit louder before I brought my eyes back to his. "But sometimes... loving someone just isn't enough."
He furrowed his eyebrows and scrunched up his nose the way a person does when holding back the crying…
My throat clenched uncomfortably and I'm pretty sure I had the same expression on my face.
Jasper sighed heavily before raising his right hand to my jaw and touching it gently. Suddenly his warmth was spreading throughout my skin…
I knew I was blushing.
He parted his lips, sighed once more, and closed his eyes.
"You were the best thing that has ever happened to me." He said in a deep voice before opening his amber eyes again.
He stared acutely into my eyes and then turned, quickly crossing my door sill and then going down the stairs.
It took me a couple of seconds to get out of the daze and, out of a sudden, be taken over by impulsivity and follow him...
Which brought me to this very moment.
I'm standing here, watching him cross the street to his car, and although my head tells me that letting him go is exactly what I should do, my heart is torn...
Every step his strong legs take him farther from me seems like one more inch deeper my chest is compressed.
What the fuck are you doing? My consciousness alerts me outta the blue. You've wanted this man more than you've ever wanted anybody else your entire life, why are you letting him leave?
I card my fingers through my hair, involuntarily remembering several of the times he did the same while telling me he loved the copperish color of my strands, and a heavy breath leaves my lungs in a gush without my conscious consent.
I'm convinced I have many consistent reasons to do what I'm doing. So why this feels so fucking wrong?
He reaches his car and I realize I'm praying...
I've never prayed before in my life, but right now I am fucking praying for him to turn around and look at me. The fucked up part is, if he does, I'll probably just cave and run to him, which is exactly what I shouldn't do.
Jasper stops. He pulls the elastic that's been tying his loose bun. His long light brown strands cascade over his shoulders, hiding his tattoos.
I sigh.
Turn around, turn around, turn around... Please, turn around...
He opens the door...
My heart seems stuck in my throat and I close my eyes for just a split second...
Time is rewound to the beginning, to the day I met the heart-eater, almost a year and a half ago.
Like a movie, all we went through comes to my mind and bombards me with conflicting emotions and reasons…
I'm afraid of how intense my feelings for him are. I know I must let him go, I must leave it all behind, it's too complicated, he's too complicated... I don't wanna hurt again and I have this feeling that, if I insist on being with him, I will.
But I love him. I love him as I have never loved before and I'm certain I'll never love anyone as I do him. He's the one... I know it with all I am…and I can't just let him go.
I'm conflicted, but maybe I don't have to make this decision on my own.
Feeling as if my life has reached a crux, I open my eyes.
All the air I have in my lungs leaves me in a gush.
Jasper is gone. The decision is made.
It's for the best.
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter21#
"Call me as soon as you reach Jackson, okay?" Ryan kinda demands as he pulls a little away, his hands still holding my shoulders strongly. "What's the name of the hotel again?"
"Ranch Inn." I answer with a smile, amused by his worry.
"I have all the hotel info of all his stops in my cellphone, Ry." Alec assures him.
"I'll call you all along the trip, you don't have to be worried." I try to convince him.
Ry just shakes his head before looking acutely into my eyes.
"You'll cross six states and will be on the road for five days, all alone, so don't ask me not to worry, Kid." He replies in a serious voice.
"Ry, I'll be okay, I promise." I assure him while staring confidently into his eyes.
We share an understanding look for a long moment, then he nods and pulls me to him.
I sigh and close my eyes once I feel myself into his tight embrace. I wrap my arms around his waist too.
"Take care of yourself." The inflection in his voice is caring. "You know I love you, don't you?"
I nod into his chest and sigh again. Then I pull away and look into his eyes.
"I love you too, Ry. You're my home now too, just like my brother."
Ryan smiles his toothy grin and nods. Then he levels his face with mine.
"So do not disappear on me, okay?" It's not a request, his tone is stern.
I chuckle.
"I won't."
He steps away and Alec hugs me.
"Have a safe trip, Kid." He says gently. "Don't worry about the drama queen here, I'll make sure he's alright."
He winks at me once we part.
"I'll be waiting for you guys in the summer."
"We'll be there." Alec assures me.
"I almost forgot!" Ry exclaims before running to his car.
He's back in a heartbeat with a long narrow box. He gives it to me and I look at him with a puzzled stare.
"It's from Jasper." He clarifies while looking at me with a cautious stare.
My heart skips a beat as my gaze drops to the blue plastic box in my hands.
"He said you should open it once you're alone."
I nod once more and bring my eyes back to my friends.
"I'll go now, guys."
Ryan brings Alec closer to him while he nods, and Alec just smiles gently at me.
They bid me goodbye as I start the car, and I keep my eyes on the rearview mirror for one more second before I pull away from the curb. Then I glance at the box on the passenger seat before driving away.
My mind travels to the last time I saw Jasper's face two weeks before. I remember perfectly the sadness in his eyes and the obvious effort he made to leave.
I also remember how empty I felt after opening my eyes and realizing he was gone.
As I drive toward the highway, my memories play with me, bringing back every smile, every gaze, every word he's ever directed at me… And before I can fully assimilate what I'm doing, I catch myself pulling over on a random street.
I become aware of my erratic breathing and close my eyes, trying to calm down. I see his sad eyes again, and then his lips.
It's like I can hear the echo of his voice…
Check the box.
The thought makes me open my eyes and look at my side in a haste. I pick up the box and open it carefully.
Tears well up in my eyes as I see what's inside.
I run the tips of my fingers slowly over the large blue petals of the fresh rose before I find the tiny card next to it.
I hold my breath before bringing it closer.
I love you.
The three little words, written in Jasper's handwriting, shake me… but it's the way he signed the message that breaks the last bit of my frail composure.
Always, Edward's Jasper.
I break down crying, of course. And I keep crying on and off for most of the six-hour drive until my first stop in Mississippi.
