I straighten the jacket of my navy blue tuxedo nervously while trying to calm myself down.
The venue is already packed with guests, and seeing all those people waiting for the ceremony to begin makes me unexplainably more fidgety.
I'm standing at the back, behind one of the arch columns, while everyone is sitting at the large benches and looking toward the altar. No one can see me here, I shouldn't be feeling observed.
Well, what can I say? I still feel as if invisible eyes are on me.
I sigh, turn, and lean on the column. Then I shake my head.
There are crazed butterflies in my stomach and I can't breathe properly. It's almost as if it's already time to walk down the aisle...
However, there's no explanation for my anxiety. It's a mystery why I feel so tense, after all... it isn't my wedding.
You're anxious because you'll finally see him… Duh!
Yeah, I have to admit that the prospect of seeing Jasper soon is affecting me completely, although it shouldn't. It's been ten months since we last saw and spoke to each other. Besides, there are no doubts that he's over me.
And I'm over him too.
So, no reason for such restlessness.
I check my watch and find out that it's almost time. I sigh once more and then take a deep long breath in.
As soon as I turn, I see him slowly arriving at the side of the altar… and my heart accelerates.
I squeeze my eyes momentarily and shake my head once again.
Hey, remember! You're over him!
He can't see me from where he is, so I seize the opportunity to take a good look at him after all this time…
Fuck, is it possible that he became even more gorgeous? It definitely looks like it.
Jasper seems stronger. His tuxedo isn't tight, it fits him perfectly, but I can tell, even from afar, that his body is larger, he's like… buff.
I swallow hard and realize how much saliva has pooled in my mouth… I almost drooled.
Take a hold of yourself, for fuck sake!
Then his hair, his stupidly shiny hair, catches my eyes.
Lucky me there's no one near me to hear the embarrassingly loud sigh I release as I realize that Jasper's strands, beautifully tamed in a single french braid, are longer, reaching the middle of his back.
Why is the fact that his hair is longer such a fucking turn-on?
Why am I feeling like a damn stupid teenager? I'm fucking over him!
"Are you Edward?" A woman's voice startles me and I literally jump as I turn.
The petite girl tries to hold back a chuckle but she's not very well succeeded. I can still see the corners of her lips trembling.
"I'm sorry, I didn't want to startle you. I'm Jenna, we talked on the phone." She says smiling and I smile back as I nod. "It's time to get in position, follow me, please."
My heartbeats become even more erratic and I try to control my breathing as I walk behind the wedding coordinator. We take a side path to the altar, and it gives me a privileged view of Jasper's face.
He's serious, focused on some random spot ahead of him. I think he's a bit nervous but, given the situation, it is kind of expected. Just like him, I'm tense although I'm not the one getting married.
My stomach does a flip-flop as Jasper slightly turns his head… and my heart seems to stop for a fleeting second as our eyes meet.
I see his lips parting subtly, and I have to do the same so I can take in a deep breath. I see him clearly doing the same and we sigh at the same time.
Then he looks away.
My heart feels suddenly small and I avert my gaze too. I'm just some meters away from the altar now… We'll be face to face in less than ten seconds…
Just breathe, Edward. You can do this.
"It's about to start, so you two remain in position and face the aisle when you hear the music." Jenna states and leaves hurriedly.
Jasper faces forward and he looks serene, but his eyes are staring downward. I take a deep breath.
"Hey." My voice comes out all weird.
He finally looks at me.
"Hey." He gives back in a hesitant tone with guarded eyes.
I smile softly at him and his smile in response is immediate.
"How are you?"
He blinks a bit more than normal and gazes away before bringing his stare back at mine.
"I'm okay." He says simply. "You?"
"Okay too."
He nods before parting his lips and sighing. I open my mouth not really knowing what I'm about to say…
But the music starts and we both turn to the Aisle.
For a moment there, as first Ryan and then Alec walk towards the altar, I can't seem to focus on anything, my head is a mess…
I thought I was ready to see him again, to be in the same place as him, I really believed I was over him. I've never expected to be so aware of his presence or to feel so disturbed by it. Of course I knew there would be some tension given everything we went through together and what we felt for each other but...I truly didn't think I would feel so affected…
The rites of the simple ceremony pass by in a flash, and soon enough Ryan is turning to me, his beautiful smile coloring his face with undeniable joy.
I take the small box entrusted to me the night before from my jacket pocket and give it to him, smiling just as broadly as my dear friend.
Instinctively my eyes travel to Jasper that's right in my line of sight. I feel my smile faltering and fading, I try to avert my stare, but his gaze is intense on me and I just can't look away.
And it's just because he looks down that I'm freed from the instant trance.
My breath is caught up in my throat and the lump lodged there remains until I forcefully swallow it after hearing the officiant's final solemn words.
"May you both have a long life of Joy together. By the power vested in me by the state of Georgia, I hereby pronounce you husbands. You may kiss now."
I look at my friends and my eyes well up with tears as a strong emotion takes me when I see Alec and Ryan kiss amid a big smile.
The guests cheer loudly and I catch myself smiling as they part and look at each other… The love in their eyes is almost palpable.
I observe them start walking the aisle as life partners. And then I realize that I have to follow them with Alec's best man.
My heart jolts as Jasper gets close and, without looking at me once, he walks beside me.
We follow the married couple in strained silence until the reception venue, and I'm controlling my breathing and preparing myself to say something when, before I even have the chance to figure out what exactly to say, Jenna is in front of us.
"You'll sit beside Alec, and I suppose you're the oldest of the two of you?" She says looking at Jasper. He just nods. "You toast first." She turns to me. "You'll sit next to Ryan and can follow him."
I look at Jasper involuntarily and feel a little disappointed to notice that he's still looking anywhere but at me.
We both proceed to the central table quietly.
Before I can sit beside Ryan, he looks my way and opens his arms to me. I sit and we hug.
"Congratulations, Ry." I say in a low tone. "I'm truly happy for you."
He pushes me away just a little.
"Thanks. I'm truly happy for me." He chuckles and I do too. "I finally found what I was looking for."
I just smile at that. The glow in his eyes is proof enough, there's no denying it.
I lean forward a little because I want to talk to Alec too, but Jasper stands up. I feel Ry's hand tapping my thigh and we both turn to him as he starts to speak.
"Alec asked me to be his best man even before he told me he and Ryan were getting married, so I guess everybody here will understand how surprised I was…" He starts with his beautiful, genuine dimpled smile, and I feel suddenly warm all over. He turns to Alec. "I know Ryan longer than I do you, and I confess that.. when you two started dating I had a hard time seeing how perfect for each other you are… I actually had to have some help." He glances at me and my heart skips a beat before he looks back at Alec. "But I saw it, and I see it perfectly now. You complete each other in so many different ways that it's kinda baffling. And I feel so happy for Ryan because you're such a kind spirit, Alec, such a lovable and caring person, you're exactly the man he deserves to have by his side. I'm sure you know the loyal, supportive, extremely loving man you have with you. He'll turn the world upside down for you if need be." Alec nods and I see Ryan's smile getting broader. Jasper looks between the two of them. "Realizing that you're it to each other is truly special but, what you did today, grabbing the opportunity to be together, deciding to never let go of each other, that's singular. I hope someday I have the same luck." His eyes flicker from them to me and back before he proceeds. "I'm honored to be part of your forever, and I wish you guys all the happiness. To your bond, and that it lasts forever."
People cheer loudly while Alec and Ryan stand up and hug Jasper.
I feel nervous when they all sit back on their chairs… It's my turn.
I take the champagne flute and stand while taking a deep breath.
Every single pair of eyes in the huge room is turned at me but just one is making my throat dry.
I sigh and smile tentatively.
"I know very little about love." I start in a surprisingly stable tone. "But from this little I know, I can tell that it doesn't happen very often, at least not when it's real." An involuntary sigh leaves me and I feel the urge to look at Jasper, but I control the impulse. I look at Ryan instead. "I had the privilege to see it starting to happen, I was there when your eyes began glinting every time you spoke about Alec, I heard the dreamy, fully-in-love inflection in your voice when you confided to me the realization of your feelings… I saw beforehand the infatuation becoming something serious, turning into love… Real love." I pause and sigh once again, feeling Jasper's eyes boring into me and fighting the urge to look at him. I look at Alec. "Alec, you know how much I love Ryan." He nods and smiles. "It's truly important to me that he's happy… And he's the happiest when he's with you. And that makes me love you too." We both chuckle. "Take good care of my friend. You're very lucky to have him." He nods again. I bring my stare to Ryan. "Take good care of Alec. You're lucky to have him, he truly is the perfect man for you." Ryan mouths 'I know' and smiles. I smile back and look between them. "Never let go of each other. And now I'll make Jasper's words mine." And right then I can't avoid glancing at him and my heart accelerates as I realize he's smiling at me. I look back at the grooms. "I'm honored to be part of your forever and I wish you guys all the happiness. Here's to your love, and I wish you two remain to be each other's joy. Love you guys."
Ryan stands and holds me tight while everybody cheers once again. Then I feel Alec's arms around me too.
The three of us chuckle together before parting. I sit and watch the wedding coordinator announcing the couple's first dance as husbands and my friends walking hand in hand to the center of the floor.
They dance a whole song with their eyes locked in each others'. When the song changes, they kiss softly and look at the guests, gesturing for them to join them.
I sigh, feeling weirdly anxious, and sip a little champagne before I hear a heavy sigh and notice Jasper's movement next to me.
I look to the side to find him standing beside me.
He offers me his hand before I look up at his serious face.
"Dance with me." He asks softly.
I release the air I had never realized I had held. My heart skips a beat before my stupid brain decides to come back to life and I'm able to move.
As our palms touch and Jasper grasps my hand tight, I feel shocked to identify the sensation that takes over me…
I feel like I'm home.
We walk in silence to the dance floor and he turns me to him… I feel promptly breathless as he pulls me against his chest and circles my waist firmly.
I can't look at him, so I keep my stare over his shoulder while we dance slowly.
"Can I say how gorgeous you look?" His voice reaches my ear in a husky low tone. It tickles my neck and makes me shiver.
I sigh and nod.
"You look stunning. I was left breathless for a moment there when I saw you coming."
My heart is threatening to rip my chest open…
"Thanks." I mumble, 'cause that's all I can do, my voice is practically lost.
We keep moving in silence for a while, and feeling his body against mine is so good that I can't pretend I'm not enjoying it.
It would be ridiculous on my part to insist on thinking I'm over him. I'm definitely not.
Admitting the fact makes my instincts kick in and I bring my eyes up to his involuntarily.
"I'm not over you." Jasper states as soon as our eyes meet, and his intensity takes my breath away. "And I know I'll never be."
I stop moving and he does the same.
I really don't know what comes over me, but I need to breathe, I need space... I feel suddenly compelled to get away…
And stupidly, that's exactly what I do.
I pull away from him, our eyes still locked, and move backward a little before turning and walking toward the huge outside deck.
I know he's following me, I can feel his presence, but I can't make myself stop walking, even though I want to.
What am I doing?
Abruptly Jasper's hand is wrapped around my left wrist. I have no time to free it, he spins me around and holds my shoulders firmly.
"Don't run away again." He asks and his eyes match his pleading tone. "Please."
"I wasn't…" I try.
"You were." He cuts me off while bringing me closer. "Why? I can see it in your eyes, Edward, I still see it. I thought I wouldn't, I thought it wouldn't be there anymore, but it still is."
"What are you talking about?" It just comes out of my mouth defensively. I'm instantly scared and I don't even know why…
Jasper heaves a sigh and frowns as if he's in pain.
"When you told me you would leave, I promised myself that I would respect your decision. But I had to try and appeal to your feelings. That's why I sent that rose. I hoped you would change your mind… I thought that, if you really loved me, you would give us another chance. So when you didn't… I assumed that your feelings were not the same anymore."
He pauses and sighs heavily, and I do so too.
"I knew I would see you today and I was mentally prepared for everything… From seeing you with someone to being ignored by you. I just wasn't prepared to see you looking at me the way you did. I didn't expect that because I thought it wasn't possible."
"How did I look at you?" I sound hesitant.
"The same way you're looking at me now." He replies earnestly. "The same way you looked at me back then. You still feel the same way for me, don't you?"
Fuck, why did he have to ask? He knows I can't lie to him.
"I do." I say in a whisper and promptly scold myself inwardly as he smiles. "But it doesn't mean anything."
Jasper gets serious, takes in a deep breath, and sighs heavily. Then he frees me and takes a step back.
I'm readily impelled to explain as I see the hurt taking him over.
"Jasper, I didn't go away because I didn't love you. I went away because I didn't want to lose myself because of that love." His eyes well up as I sigh. "You hurt me so many times and so fucking much… And I was still crazily in love with you, willing to do anything just to be with you, I was willing to set my pride aside, to ignore the pain I was feeling, to forsake my shattered heart… Even after I saw you with Max."
"I did that to…" He tries in a low voice.
"I know!" I snap. "And you think that didn't hurt me even deeper? You went through your worst nightmare for me, because of me! How twisted is that? You hurt yourself and me to protect me, you think I could deal with that?! You think I didn't feel guilty?"
A single tear slides down his cheek and it makes me realize I have tears of my own wetting my face.
"Our relationship was toxic to us both." I heave a weighted breath. "I wanted to turn back… I wanted to run to you when I read that note but… I just knew we would never be happy together as long as your past and our past hung over us."
We share a sad look for a moment before he comes closer and holds my face.
"What can I do to get you back?" His voice is just barely above a whisper, and his eyes are pleading with me. "Tell me and I'll do it. I'll do anything for you."
Again I'm breathless and my heart is pounding like crazy. And my mind is deeply confused, but I'm able to voice what comes up instantly as a response to his request.
"Can you turn back time and write a different story?"
Jasper heaves a defeated sigh as his eyes close. I wait. When he reopens his eyelids, his gaze is so sad that it breaks my heart.
"I won't give up. I simply can't, especially now that I'm sure you still feel the same. I'll find a way to get you back." He vows before pulling his hands away from me.
He then stares at me for a couple more seconds and I don't know what to say. All I can do is watch as he walks away without another word soon after.
I stay where I am for a moment longer, trying to assimilate his words and to calm down. When I feel I have a hold of myself again, I come back inside.
I don't see Jasper anymore, and it's not long before I feel the urge to leave.
I wait for a little until Ryan and Alec finish being congratulated by some friends, and I get closer. First I hug Alec and speak a little to him, then I turn to Ryan.
Ry's knowing stare tells me he's aware that something happened, but he doesn't say a word before hugging me tightly.
"I love you, and I want you to get your forever." He says in a serious voice before pulling away and looking into my eyes. "Stop being afraid and take the fucking leap. He'll be there to catch you, you know that."
My friend's words somehow intermingle with the memory of Jasper's last words to me, reaching my most inner reasonings and, although I'm truly uncertain, something inside me clicks and I know I have to listen to him.
He's right, what am I fucking doing?
Ryan smiles his trade toothy grin as if he sees something in my facial expression.
"What are you waiting for?" He asks in a chuckle before grabbing both my shoulders. "You know where to find him. Don't waste any more time."
I heave a strong exhalation and smile at my friend before nodding.
"I love you too. Thanks for the push."
"Just fucking go." He urges me.
And that's what I do. I fucking go.
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter22#
I've never driven so fast in my whole life…
My heart is in my throat and I can't breathe properly, but I don't stop or slow down until I'm in front of his house.
The gate is closing, and see him parking his car and leaving it while I pull over to the curb.
I hurry to the gate before he gets in the house.
"We could start over!" I speak as loud as I can so to be heard.
Jasper halts his steps and turns slowly, and his face tells me he's not simply surprised, he's astonished.
I don't know how long he takes to come back to his senses and start walking toward me, but I stand there and wait until the gate is opening.
He's still walking to me when I step hesitantly inside his property. And he keeps walking until we're mere inches from each other.
"And how would we do that?" He asks tentatively, his eyes shimmering.
"I'm not sure… But I guess… We could try the normal way this time... like asking the other on a date…"
"Do you want to have dinner with me tomorrow night?" He hastens to ask and I chuckle at his eagerness.
He chuckles too and I feel so happy to see his dimples again.
"I'd love to… But I can't." His smile falters. "I need to be back in San Diego by tomorrow." He sighs and nods.
And I realize that this will not be simple or easy since we have more than two thousand miles between us.
"Guess the distance will make this difficult." It dawns on me harshly and I sigh dejectedly. "I didn't think this through."
"Distance won't be a problem if you give me another chance." Jasper assures me with such confidence… "Can you let me try and make this work?"
"But how…"
He shakes his head while taking my face between his big hands.
"Just say yes, and leave the rest to me."
It takes just a heartbeat for me to know what I should answer.
"Yes."
"Yes?" Jasper asks with arched brows.
I smile and nod.
"Yes." I repeat.
Jasper smiles his dimpled smile and I can read the relief in his beautiful amber eyes.
"What time do you have to be at the airport?"
I check my watch.
"In two hours."
We both sigh.
"Can I take you?"
"I have to drive the rental there." I shrug.
Jasper gets closer, his eyes boring into mine.
"Can I take you?" He repeats pointedly.
I just nod.
"I need to go to the hotel to pick up my things and change…"
"Can I go with you?"
I chuckle, amused by his never-ending and very satisfying eagerness.
"Yes. But you'll wait for me in the reception hall."
He accepts it without even blinking, and I'm appeased.
If we're doing this the right way, if we're restarting, then we have to take things slowly again. He will have to regain my trust after all.
Some minutes later he's driving the rental to my hotel while I look at his profile and wonder what he's thinking and feeling to have that beautiful grin on his sinful lips…
#(Dis)Sonant*Chapter22#
It's been less than twenty-four hours, but I already feel anxious to talk to him again. I'm controlling the urge to call him when I feel the buzz in my pocket. I'm reaching the university's parking lot as I distractedly take my phone. I halt my steps as I see his name flashing on my screen.
"Hey…"
"Hey… Are you busy?" Jasper's voice is soft, and it makes my heart tremble.
"No, I've just left my last class… I'm going home."
"Hum. What are you doing tonight?"
I resume walking, feeling this large grin stretching my lips.
"Nothing special. I have a paper to finish, guess I'll work on it."
"When is it due?"
"In two weeks."
"So you don't have to finish it tonight…"
"No, not really… Why?" I ask, amused by his interest.
I'm already close to my car, so I get the keys from my pocket and turn the alarm off.
Oddly, I hear its echo through the call.
"Where are you?" The question comes out before I assimilate the suspicion.
"Look behind you." He answers simply, and I can hear his voice through the phone and near me.
I can't contain the joy I feel when I turn and see him right before me. I get a little stunned by his sheer beauty for a second there, dazzled by his loose long waves framing his expectant face and by how his eyes are glinting so much.
"You're here." It's just a murmur.
"Told you that distance wouldn't be a problem." He says in a smile. "Do you want to have dinner with me tonight?"
What else can I say? He came all the way from Atlanta just to take me on a date...
"Yes, I do."
#
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F/N - Just one to go, peeps. See you at the finale.
