(Before You Go - Lewis Capaldi)
Cindy Mackenzie should run from me. Haul ass in the opposite direction. Too much time dating Madison Sinclair in high school had taught him only one way to have an argument, the kind that crafted words into razor blades.
Some might say he was immature but emotional cruelty had become a speciality where he was concerned. Clawing something to pieces so he wasn't tearing at his own skin just to relieve the pressure.
Not that he should have invested too much time learning relationship guidelines from a harpy all too happy her man was out banging skanks behind her back as long as the shopping trips stayed fully funded and without protest. His father's lessons were even worse, because if you held all the cards then the truth didn't matter. The man had directed his business dealings like the Godfather was his playbook, bible and little black journal.
Like his dad's, Dick knew his sins were a laundry list, and the savage lengths he had been willing to go to ensure he had the upper-hand weren't just a bug in his system.
They were a design feature.
To survive.
He may have been justifiably pissed with her, but wanting her had never been an issue. Pulling apart her life would have been like swatting a fly with a hammer. Perhaps he'd gone so far because for the most part of their connection… she always felt like a flight risk. He just couldn't bear the thought of her not being near him.
If your adversary might go to ground, leave no ground to run to.
Escape is never an option.
Mac wasn't sure what to do. Leaving seemed like the obvious choice.
"Stay." Dick uttered.
Silver eyes stared back at him, wide and scared to death to even breathe. It had been so much easier to fight with her when he thought she'd spent months kissing him with a mouthful of lies but his heart couldn't take this.
"The filter between my brain and my mouth is malfunctioning… I'm not going to be humming and hawing over this shit. You have my baby all curled up in there. Before the world tumbles around us again that is our story. I'm not justifying anything. I've been shot, and I'm heavily medicated so trying not to be a mean douchebag harder than usual," he swallowed, unsure he should be asking her to love a man who could show anger, love, pain, hurt, violence and kindness at the flip of a coin.
Did I lose you? His eyes held a loaded question.
"I'm not Logan, so this won't be some witty war of words. Look at me. You are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me, Cindy. I love you…" Dick said, his voice was low and weary. "But it feels like I'm trying to hold onto water, like you're always slipping out of my hands and I'd have served you my heart on a platter but I still don't know if you truly wanted me," he expelled a low breath and tilted his head towards the ceiling, eyes closed as if not wanting to chance reading some imagined truth on her face. "I wanted all of you, my friends knew all about us but yours...? Kept quiet was the perfect arrangement until you couldn't keep it a secret anymore."
Oh Dick…
He had been clinical, coldly detached, unnaturally cruel and insensitive, but the source of his pain was finally evident. Tears stung in her eyes at the thought. She wanted to hold him, all the efforts to protect herself, she had never considered Dick as someone that she had the power to hurt.
It's never easy to admit that sometimes we caused the ripples of the storms we weather.
The naked guilt and uncertain hope in her doe eyes made him want to risk climbing out of the bed and scooping her up in his arms.
"That's not… I love you… I do." She told him. "But none of that excuses you being the hard-core douchebag out to annihilate me with threats and the lawyers…I want so much to hate you. Do you have any idea what it is to hate someone so much for utterly decimating everything, and yet be torturing yourself if it might be salvageable? I didn't come to you about the baby… because I wasn't ready for it to be true."
His mouth compressed, as if he were taking a moment to absorb her words.
"Cindy… Power is the only currency that really matters, and you had me by the balls. I never wanted to hate you. Not ever. I hurt you, and for that I am so fucking sorry." His voice ragged with emotion. He didn't like the realization that he'd hurt her.
How could you be strong when your own heart was fangirling over the remorseful bad boy?
"Maybe… but I wasn't scared of you before. Now I don't know if I can trust I ever won't be." Mac managed on a half sob.
Trust was a mirror. If you broke it, the whole world looked ugly, and no matter how hard you tried putting the pieces together, you could never erase the cracks. Pain flashed across her features.
"I won't repeat that mistake. Realizing this wasn't all just a game to you… that you weren't just manipulating me. I can be a giant asshole and its too convenient to blame everything on bad timing… but I plan on redeeming myself. You don't ever have to worry about me doing anything like that ever again."
Fragile and composed Mac took a deep breath, wiping the tears from her face, it didn't help her thundering pulse.
"I swear l will always protect you. I'm claiming you. I just want to be with you. Wherever you go, I just want to take care of you, of us. We can work. We could have the best life, you and me." He could barely squeeze the words out of his constricted throat.
He'd told her he wanted to try.
"Maybe I'm stupidly optimistic… but I'll be a stay-at-home Dick. You can finish school, Become CEO of your own Tech Empire and I'll support you the whole way… I know we can fix this."
She wanted to forgive him.
"Us against the world?" Mac sniffled, she'd meant it as a joke, but the lack of commitment weighed heavily on his heart. There wasn't really a choice.
"Yeah, very domestic but you love me. You'll love me again."" he allowed, smiling weakly.
Because for all his pretty words, a condo just off the beach wasn't the only purchase he had made yesterday. He'd even risk losing his friendship with Logan if they ever learned about Dick purchasing controlling interests over any outstanding Mackenzie family debts especially the ones linked to their mortgage and loans, and then he put in bids to buy over the independent high end boutique where her mother Natalie Mackenzie worked as assistant manager.
There was something in his dads advice about staying liquid. When someone had the power to twist your heart in on itself, having money like that to throw around could help you keep your world under control.
Some moves even he knew were beyond redemption.
Going after her family crossed a line he didn't want to admit he was capable of.. but allowing Cindy Mackenzie to have his heart and walk away?
That had never been an option.
