Memento Mori
A Selection of shorts and unrelated one shots. Mostly stuff that comes to my head, things I would like to see. Jane Centric.
Hey guys, sorry for the long delay between chapters. I really wanted to get this out before the episode airs in America tonight so here it is. A little insight as to what Jane is feeling about suddenly being a Mom. Please tell me what you think as I am pretty proud of this short.
Numb
She felt empty. Numb. Almost as if something had been ripped from her in the middle of the night and thrown in to the deepest ocean. Never to be seen again. It was a feeling she was no stranger to, the very first day she crawled out of that bag she had felt some sort of emptiness, but it had been mixed with fear and confusion, nothing like now. Now she just felt cold, like all the heat has simply vanished from the world, taking with it any feeling of comfort.
She had lay awake the night before, her husband snoring softly beside her as she had stared up at the ceiling, her eyes unblinking as she watched the shadows slowly move across the room. Darkness slowly turning to a dull yellow as the sun slowly filtered through the gap in the drawn curtains. She had rose at first light, shivering against a cold she didn't really feel. Her bare feet frozen and numb as she mindlessly made her way to bathroom. She didn't bother to turn on the light as she showered and changed, her black tank-top sticking to her damp skin. Her stomach rumbled as she passed the kitchen, but she ignored it and made her way out through the front door, she closed it behind her soundlessly, leaving her husband to sleep.
Before she knew it she was at work, then suddenly she found herself standing in the doorway to the gym, the building empty except for herself and a few cleaners. Letting her bag fall from her shoulder she made her way towards the punching bag and began her dance. She hit the bag once, twice, three times, her feet expertly moving with the swinging contraption. Normally this made her feel better, it let out her anger, her frustration, but she felt as though she didn't have anything to let out this time. She just felt numb. She was neither angry or frustrated, she was not sad nor happy, she just simply, existed.
She didn't feel her knuckles burst against the punching bag, didn't feel her lungs gasping for air as she continued to dance around it, her arms delivering bone crushing blows to the blood-stained fabric. She didn't even feel the agony in her side from her bruised ribs she had received the day before. Sweat made her cloths stick to her body, the rough fabric becoming itchy and uncomfortable. She hit the bag again, sending the contraption swinging wildly to the side before landing on the ground with a heavy thud. She went with it, collapsing to the floor, her legs and body unable to keep her standing. Suddenly she realized she was no longer alone. The outside hallway was bustling with activity. The sound of voices and ringing phones and footsteps and laughing. Two agents trained in the corner, their concerned gazes layered with fear and distrust. She took three rasping gasps for air, unable to stand on her trembling legs.
Looking down at her hands, she frowned at her blistered fingers. Her knuckles were red and fleshy, thick red tendrils of blood crawling towards her wrist and dripping to the matts below. She made a fist, opening the wounds just a little more, desperate to feel something.
Roman was right. She was broken. Unfeeling.
"Water?" A sweet voice greeted her ears and as she looked towards the door. Patterson, dressed in black slacks and a red flowery top, stepped into the gym and handed Jane a bottle of ice cold water. Jane took it wordlessly, screwing off the cap and drinking half of it in one go. Jane watched as Patterson's eyes drifted to her knuckles a deep frown set in her face as she turned and hurried over to the first aid kit on the wall. She came back with a handful of bandages, tape and a small vile of antiseptic. Taking Jane's hands, Paterson wiped away some of the blood, then poured the antiseptic across the knuckles. The wounds on her friend's knuckles frothed unpleasantly. It didn't go unnoticed by the young scientist that her friend barely flinched. She didn't even blink.
"I know I'm not an expert. But I think the punching bag has to stay hanging up for you to use it." Patterson chuckled sweetly. Jane's eyes moved to the object in question, then moved her eyes to the floor once more.
"Do you think I'm a monster?"
Patterson stopped wrapping her friends hand with a bandage and looked up, her mouth open in surprise.
"What. No Jane, I don't think you're a monster." She waited for a reply. "Why would you even ask that?"
Jane was silent for just a moment.
"I have a child. A daughter. She would be 18 now."
Patterson was not expecting the answer. Her mouth once again fell open in surprise.
"What. A daughter… How do you know."
"Rossi. Sent me the adoption papers. How could I forget I had a daughter? What kind of person forgets their own child?"
"Jane. You had your memory erased. Everything erased, it's not your fault."
"I remembered Oscar. I remembered Roman and Marcos…"
"Those were recent memories Jane. You can't blame yourself. Your entire life was chemically erased by-"
"Me." Jane said, turning an angry gaze towards her friend. "My entire life was erased because I chose to erase it!"
"No. It was because your mother was a manipulative bitch who got in your head and convinced you to do this to yourself."
Jane had no answer. Deep down, she knew it to be true.
"Do you…want to find her."
Jane looked at her friend with a confused expression.
"You're daughter."
Jane thought for a moment, then shook her head, getting to her feet.
"No."
"Why not."
"It's been 18 years Paterson. I gave her up -"
"Remi gave her up."
"We're the same person. What exactly do I tell her when I see her Patterson." Jane said turning to her friend, her eyes were blurred with tears. "Hey, I'm your Mom. Sorry I gave you up all those years ago but I just really wanted to become a terrorist and destroy the world."
"That's not why you gave her up Jane and you know it."
"How can you know. Remi was just as bad Shepard, she was a monster, evil and heartless and…" Jane trailed off, tears finally falling freely from her eyes. Her chest ached and her whole body felt as if a great weight has been placed on it.
"You're right. Remi was all of that and more. But I think that giving that baby away was the nicest thing she ever did."
Jane took a shuddering breath, her brow creasing with anger and confusion.
"How could you say that?"
"Because it gave that kid a chance at a normal life. Remi didn't just dump her at an orphanage. She found her a family. Remi knew that if she kept that baby, she would have had the same life as she did. A life full of killing and pain…"
Patterson approached her friend, placing a soft hand on her tattooed shoulder.
"Remi gave her daughter a life she would never been able to give her with Shepard in the picture."
Jane swallowed hard and fought more tears. She nodded her head. Agreeing with Patterson's words.
"You're right." She said, sniffing. "but it still doesn't change the fact that I should stay as far away from her as possible."
"Jane-"
"I'm a virus Patterson. Any life I enter I slowly destroy. People have a habit of just dropping dead around me. Mayfair, Carter, Pellinton…David…." Her voice broke on the last name and Patterson heart skipped a beat at the name. "Even the team. You're not dead…but you've been hurt. Because of me."
Patterson remained quiet, trying to find the words to argue. She found she couldn't.
"If anything happened to my daughter because I decided it would be a good idea to enter her life. I couldn't live with myself."
"Would you at least think about it."
"Patterson, can you really see me as a Mom?"
"Totally. You'd be the coolest Mom ever. Can you imagine turning up at her school to pick her up, covered in all your tattoos. You would be the MILF at the bake sale."
Jane frowned. "MILF?" Patterson avoided the question.
"She will just be turning 18 right. So your daughter will just be starting college. You can do what all moms do when their kids go off to college."
"Patterson. I don't know what Moms do."
"They bake cookies and make sandwiches, they hide little notes in their kids lunches saying 'have a great day'"
Jane was surprised at the feeling of pride she felt at the idea of her daughter going to college. However, it was overshadowed by the feeling of total emptiness when it came to baking cookies. She doubted Shepard has ever made Roman and her cookies.
"I don't even know how to bake cookies."
Patterson's smile grew larger.
"We should totally have a girls day where we drink wine and bake cookies!"
Jane frowned.
"My mom gave me her recipe from her double choc chip oat cookies and they are literally the best cookies in the world!"
Jane smiled slightly at the thought.
"We can cook in our pyjamas and build a blanket fort and watch movies and Tasha and I can teach you all the things moms do."
Jane thought for a moment, torn between what she felt in her head and what she felt in her heart. She sighed and smiled at Patterson's childlike excitement.
"Wine and cookies sound like a good idea."
Patterson smile grew so big, it almost reached her ears.
"I'm gonna tell Tasha to bring her PJ's to work. My place, tonight you can borrow my unicorn pyjamas."
Before Jane could argue, Patterson had skipped out the door with her phone to her ear. Jane chuckled slightly and looked at her hand. Pain throbbing all the way to her elbow.
Her mind was made up. It would be too dangerous to go looking for her daughter now, but it didn't mean she couldn't train at being a mom.
You never knew what the future could bring.
This knda ended on a happy note, which I was not intending while I was writing it. But I like it. I also love Paterson and would love to see more scenes between her and Jane. Hope you like it. As normal, tell me if you spot any mistakes and I will fix them.
