~12~


~Chapter Twelve~


I remember waking up with you.
The days doing nothing,
You meant more to me then
Then I think you ever knew

~Better Than Ezra, Our Last Night~


The next thing I know, I'm somewhere else.

A blink and you'll miss it kind of change, one that makes me dizzy and nauseous.

My breathing is shallow as I take stock of the new environment. An endless expanse of blank, white space, which should blind me, but doesn't, because the rest of wherever I am is shrouded in shadows. My fingertips brush against something that feels fleecy. Slowly, I turn my head to the left. A huge antique dresser with clawed feet and heavy iron handles looms in the corner. There are two doors, one next to the bureau and one in front of me, which I only see because I crane my neck.

"Morning Sleeping Beauty."

I jump, nearly falling off the edge of what I now realize is a bed. Damon catches me by the wrist and pulls me up. The electricity zings through me, leaving me with its normal sense of calmness.

"What's going on?"

"You know, your snoring could wake the dead," he goes on as if I hadn't spoken.

I shake my head, realizing my mistake the second the words leave my mouth. This isn't now. I'm still inside my head, reliving things that already happened… I can't just ask questions and expect to get direct answers.

"Well, not from Prince Charming," says yet another familiar voice.

Everything around me freezes.

Damon, having let go of my arm, is now reaching up to brush my hair behind my ear. Something that he's always doing, something that I'm so used to, I don't even blink when his fingers brush against my cheek.

Thinking about it now, I can't pinpoint the time these brief moments became like breathing. A jolt of panic runs through me. Suddenly, I'm afraid I'll lose all the memories I gathered over the last few months. Knowing my past doesn't make my present any less important. I'm frantic as I clutch at the blankets draped over me. I push away the edges of fuzziness creeping into my psyche.

It was the third time he made dinner. He made something with lima beans that I refused to eat.

"You know, you could at least pretend to like it. I spent hours cooking for you."

"And I did the breakfast dishes."

"My self-esteem is fragile, Bon Bon."

"You're a horrible liar."

"And you're still cute when you're angry-slash-indignant."

I turn to glare at Kai, who is staring at me with an appreciative glint in his eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"If I say admiring the view, will you slap me?"

I look down and my cheeks grow hot. Apparently, Damon and I had many nights like the one two days prior. I pull the covers around me and look for my clothes.

My search isn't going well, which only adds another layer of embarrassment to this twisted intrusion.

"Here," Kai hands me my shirt, a smirk on his stupid, punchable face.

I snatch it from him. "Get out of my head!"

"No can do, Bon. I'd love to. Really, I would, I've seen more of Damon than I ever wanted to, but I'm the one who did the spell to help you remember this." he waves a hand in the air. "I'm stuck here with you until you find the memory that will help us get out of the Prison World."

"Prison World…"

"That's the technical term for the Mystic Falls that we are in. Fitting, isn't it?"

He stares at me as I work through my new predicament, jaw clenched as the implication of just how naked I truly am sinks in.

The smarmy look on his face makes my skin crawl.

When I realize he has no intention of giving me the privacy of at least getting dressed, I send an angry wave of magic his way. Kai drops to the floor, clutching his temples, writhing in agony as I do it again and again. I can almost feel the blood vessels in his brain pop.

"Make it stop!" he chokes out feebly.

"Oh, I will," I assure him, peering at him to make sure his eyes are closed. I take my time pulling the top over my head, sliding my arms into my sleeves, grabbing my underwear off the lamp sitting on the nightstand. I try not to think about how they ended up there.

I make a point to "accidentally" kick him on the back as I get up to retrieve my jeans.

Kai doesn't seem to notice, though. He doesn't flinch when my foot touches him. He remains immobile, paralyzed, and waiting for my next attack.

Something that feels suspiciously like guilt tugs at my heartstrings as I yank my pants over my legs. I tell myself that it means nothing, glancing at his hunched over form. It serves him right, really, and any regret that I experienced melts away. I'm left with triumph and power. These are my thoughts, and I won't let my unlikely ally ruin them.

Not when I'm just now beginning to understand.

"You can stop cowering," I inform Kai, releasing my hold on him.

Tentatively, he straightens up. He moves as though he thinks I'm about to cripple him again, but when he finally meets my eyes, I see no trace of fear. No hesitation.

I have to remind myself that he has his own magic, that uber-fast healing apparently applies to witches when they may need it. My Grimoire mentioned something about that, but I just barely translated the passage—though it was more of a footnote. Nothing more than an ominous-sounding sentence.

"Note to self: don't piss Bonnie Bennett off."

"You didn't learn that the first time?" I ask curtly. "I thought I made myself pretty clear."

"The fire sent mixed signals—I thought you were flirting with me."

"You're insane."

If he heard me, he doesn't act like it. Kai waltzes over to the door and pulls it open. "After you, milady."

I peer into what looks like a hallway, accented with a heavy table that looks to be about twice as old as the dresser. It doesn't quite match the design of the furniture pieces in the bedroom—it's cherry wood, much brighter than the elm four-poster bed and tables behind me. An oil painting hangs over the table, encased in a gold frame. The picture is of a landscape, but I do not know where I'd find such a place in real life. A winding path, reaching deep into the darkness, surrounded by looming trees and spindly branches.

It reminds me of the route we took to get to the field behind the Salvatore family home, but I know it's somewhere else… somewhere far more terrifying.

Taking a deep breath, I forge ahead, uncertain what else I might encounter…

Once again, the world as I know it melts away, like paint bleeding down a canvas. The soft blue wallpaper runs into the dark wood paneling, which then puddles at my feet.

A new batch of colors joins the mess, neutral tones with hints of red. Soon, it takes on a solid form, and I can tell that I'm in an entirely new room—completely separate from the one I just emerged from.

I know this because I've definitely been here before.

In fact, I spent a week in this house, studying my Grimoire while curled up in the window seat. Giant wooden E hanging over my head like a rain cloud.

I am not a participant in this memory, however. I'm merely a spectator—unlike the last two times. Elena is sitting cross-legged on her bed, twisting her daylight ring around her finger uneasily. Care stands in the center of the room, worry lines creasing her forehead. I'm not too focused on either girl now. I can't bring myself to look away from past-Bonnie, who is kneeling on her legs, directly next to her brunette friend.

"I can't do this, guys," Elena laments, tears filling her usually warm, brown eyes. "… I never wanted this."

Care approaches her, placing a sympathetic hand upon her shoulder. Kai mirrors the blonde vampire's movement, gripping my shoulder as if to remind me he's still with me.

Like I could forget.

His fingers dig into my flesh, a brief spike of pain making me flinch.

"Don't touch me!" I hiss, gaze still trained on what is happening in front of us.

"Sorry," Kai says. "Just a force of habit. I'm a touchy-feely kind of person."

"If you so much as think about putting your hands on me again, you won't have hands."

He smiles. "Feisty, today, are we? I like it."

"Shut up!"

I sigh in frustration. Kai's disgusting behavior made me miss a decent-sized chunk of the conversation between me, Elena, and Caroline. I struggle to catch up as I tune back in.

"… Stefan says it'll be hard, but worth it…" Elena sounds unsure, like she desperately wants to believe it, but can't for whatever reason.

"It will be," Caroline agrees. "But it's totally worth it. Pinky swear!"

Bonnie—I mean I—pull Elena into me and her head falls against my shoulder. "It's okay, we've got your back."

My hand flies up to my shoulder and I awkwardly rub it. It's so strange, seeing myself like this. Weirder still, that I can't feel any of the sensations in this memory. Only Kai's touch or the feeling of fabric brushing against my fingertips.

"What are we talking about?" I whisper, squinting as if that will somehow make it easier for me to hear.

"Isn't it obvious?" my fellow observer chimes in. "Elena doesn't enjoy being a vampire. Because drinking blood is gross. Personally, I think she's being a touch dramatic. The whole indestructibility thing is pretty badass. Sure, you sap the life out of others to stay alive, but it sucks even more to be dead, doesn't it?"

I wish I could stop thinking about death in any capacity, but that doesn't seem likely given our current circumstances. Even when we get out of this "Prison World," I doubt I'll be able to shake the dark, intrusive feeling that I'm so very fragile.

Expendable.

"I'm done here," I blurt out, wrapping my arms around my torso. "Let's go."

"Hey, this is your head. I'm not in control of where we go."

Spinning around, I search for an exit. I don't care where it takes me—as long as it's far away from here. I can't find any door; so, I resort to pounding on the walls of Elena's bedroom.

I honestly don't know what I expected to happen. Best-case scenario, a trapdoor would appear, and I could just book it, running as fast as my feet could move. What I actually get is the worst-case scenario:

Nothing.

Part of me thought maybe I could disrupt the memory. That I would catch my attention or that of my friend's Only, we keep prattling on, my pleas for escape falling on ears that don't know I exist. That there is another Bonnie, looking in from the outside, desperate to repress this memory for reasons I can't explain.

"Something hit a nerve, huh?"

I ignore Kai. He wants me to get on my nerves, after all. I might as well act as though it isn't working.

"… Come on, Bonnie, lighten up. I bet we haven't even gotten to the best part yet."

I don't acknowledge him.

"… Damon says I should embrace it."

I freeze at the sound of Damon's name, thinking back to what Care had told me who knows how long ago. Elena has a thing for Damon, and I hadn't given much—if any—credence to it when I heard the words. My brunette friend hadn't been there, hadn't said or done anything to make it seem like more than a dumb crush. The way she says his name now, with… longing, pisses me off.

The lights in Elena's bedroom flicker. Sparks fly from the spot where the plug meets the outlet, but there isn't any reaction. Not then and not when a picture frame on the bedside table shatters, glass shards whizzing through the air.

"Whoa, calm down!" Kai says, grabbing my upper arms. "I didn't know you were so clingy."

This time, I couldn't ignore him if I wanted to. I'm angry and he's not helping, which is what he is supposed to be doing. "I'm not clingy," I say through gritted teeth. "I want out!"

"Then get us out," he tells me. "We're in your brain, Bon." The duh is heavily implied.

"If I knew how to do that; I would've."

Everything goes dark.

I think Kai may have responded, but everything becomes jumbled as I'm pushed and pulled in every direction. The world is pressing against my shoulders, and I don't know how I'm withstanding the pressure.

And then I fall on my ass.

Looking around, I realize we are back where we started—under the streetlight we'd been standing by when we tapped into my memories. The air feels icy now, as if it's winter and not late spring. My hands and face are clammy, which doesn't help with the sharp change in weather. It makes it ten times worse.

I peer up at Kai, who stayed on his feet.

He also doesn't look too shaken up about what just happened, about what it felt like as we transcended the space in-between past and present. In fact, he's smirking. As if he's entertained by my disorientation!

"Need a hand, Bon?" he asks, extending an arm in my direction.

"No… and like I said before, if you want to keep your hand, get it away from me."

"You should really tone your temper down a little. It's a little off-putting—if you ask me."

I push myself up and inspect my body for cuts and bruises. "I didn't."

My skin is free of abrasions, which is a rather pleasant surprise. I don't want to have to explain this whole thing to Damon, who wouldn't be happy to find out that I let Kai in on some of our most intimate of moments. One less thing to tackle means I won't have to stumble over my words as I try to brush off his concern. Maybe we can have a peaceful night after all.

I look around for the VHS tapes I grabbed on my way out of Blockbuster. Going home empty-handed isn't an option either. I spot them right where I left them—in a plastic back underneath a nearby tree.

As I begin to move, I find out that I'm off-kilter; unsteady on my feet. It figures, I think bitterly, I couldn't walk away from this experience completely unscathed.

Or unembarrassed, it seems.

Kai is staring at me—probably amused by my awkward movements—and it only adds to my clumsiness. I wish I could get him to stop, but if I show him he's irritating me, he will only do it more.

Like Damon.

"Thanks… for the help," I say begrudgingly.

"No, Bonnie Thank you. I think a few more sessions and you'll remember enough to actually help me get out of here."

"We have to do this again?" That isn't good. Letting Kai so close to me makes my skin crawl. I also don't need more of his commentary. That's the worst part of the ordeal—knowing his opinions about my life. Especially because I haven't formed my own yet.

"Yeah, you really think this was a one-off thing?" he chuckles. "We haven't even cracked the surface yet."

"I think I can do the rest by myself."

"Okay," says Kai, unfazed. "Let me know how that goes."

He turns to go, and I know I shouldn't let him walk away. We both know that I would never have gotten this far without him. That, and I can't help but remember that stupid feeling that kept me awake that one night.

"Wait… you're—" I swallow the lump in my throat. This is going to hurt… "right. When do you want to meet up again?"

He pauses, slowly turning to me once more. A stupid grin is plastered on his face. "Same time; new place."

"Where?"

"My house… it's a bit lonely living by myself. I'd love the company."

Ugh. "Okay… fine, but Damon doesn't need to know about this."

"Oh?" Kai wiggles his eyebrows suggestively.

"Oh, get a grip. I don't want him to worry about me, that's all. Not until I can help him get his memories back, too."

"I see…" Kai contemplates my words. "Okay. I can handle that. It's a deal."

He looks oddly happy about our agreement. I should be on edge, I am on edge, but if Kai takes deals as seriously as Damon does with spit shakes, then he can't break it. I need this insurance. Kai can't ruin this. Damon and I are in major need of clarity. If he's constantly worried about me, we'll get nowhere.

And that isn't an option.

So, I take Kai's hand, clutching it tightly, as if I don't want to let go.

Some sacrifices, I remind myself, are worth it in the end.