AN: Hey guys! I recently rewatched The West Wing and couldn't get this out of my head. I had to write my own take on the aftermath of Gaza, I know it's not exactly original but it wouldn't leave me alone. I really hope you enjoy it, I'm quite nervous about this since there are so many good JoshxDonna fics and this is my first one, so please let me know what you think. I'm planning on writing a few more and I want to finish Solitude of Love as well, let's see if I can make it happen. But I'll stop talking now. Enjoy!

Intertwined

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you like this because I don't know any other way to love." Pablo Neruda.

Things between them had been off ever since she basically kicked him out of Germany. As soon as she started coming to her senses and the striking fear of the first days was replaced by the realization of what had happened, and she learned that she of all people had been the sole survivor of such a tragedy, she couldn't help but push him away. Not because she didn't need him, God knew how much she did, but because she couldn't bear to see him there with her instead of helping Leo and the President navigate something that was way more important than her. After all, she was simply an assistant, someone who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. And still, she couldn't help but feel her heart fall to her stomach the day he told her he was leaving. She looked at her hands while he kissed her forehead goodbye, something he had only done one other time while thanking her for taking care of him after Rosslyn, and so she didn't see the way his eyes shone with unshed tears and the look of guilt that passed through them as he gave her one last look before going out the door.

To be honest with herself, she didn't know how she felt about the fact that Josh flew halfway across the world in the middle of a crisis of such magnitude just to be with her. At the time, she was extremely relieved to find him there, his was the face she saw as she slipped in and out of consciousness and when she finally woke up and understood what was happening she couldn't be happier to find that he hadn't been a dream or a figment of her imagination, bound to disappear once she opened her eyes, but he was there, in the flesh, holding her hand and talking to her, he was there soothing her, and she couldn't be more grateful. But as the days went on, and she sat with what had happened, any positive feelings she might have had about him being there turned to dust, not because he had done something wrong, but because she felt that she didn't deserve him there with him. She didn't feel worthy of him, or of having survived for that matter.

And still, she spent one whole month in Germany recovering from her physical injuries, the psychological ones were another matter entirely, until she was cleared to go back to the States and stayed with her parents for another month, and even though her mother wanted her to go back to her childhood home and stay with them for a few more weeks, at least until she was out of the wheelchair, she needed a distraction. She had to go back to work, she couldn't keep spending her days doing nothing but read, go through the emails from people who she didn't have the energy to talk to, and wait for Josh to call. At first, he called her at least one time a day, but then with Leo's heart attack, CJ's promotion to chief of staff, and everything in between, he ended up calling less and less and when he did, he talked about everything that was going on with him. Of course, he asked her how she was doing but he accepted her "fine" for an answer and moved on to other things. To say that the fact that he didn't push it more didn't anger her would be a big fat lie, but she really couldn't blame him. One time he tried to get more out of her, it was one of the first phone calls they had while he was in Camp David, he had been trying to reach her all day but they didn't have very good signal and when he finally did, he could tell that she had been crying just from her voice, prompting him to ask her how she was really doing. But she shut him out, she told him she was doing good and hung up on him with some excuse about her mother asking her something. After that, he didn't ask her for an honest answer again and she didn't try to give him one either. She really didn't know why she wasn't honest with him. One part of her wanted to believe that he wouldn't care anyway, but another part, the part that got him, knew that he was probably hurting deeply over what had happened to her and to Leo, and she didn't want to burden him. She'd rather tell him she was doing fine and leave it at that, no matter how much she needed him to comfort her.

And now, here they were, four months after the explosion working on the China summit and acting as if nothing had happened, even when they both knew deep down that they were not the same anymore. They were not the same because they had both gone through tremendous trauma since the moment she stepped on that car and he boarded that plane, and yet they were not ready to talk about it with each other, or with anyone, because they knew it would be like opening Pandora's box if they did. And so, everything would have stayed the same if it hadn't been for the fact that they were both sitting in his office, discussing preparations for the summit late one night, when Donna stood up and went to grab some papers she needed from his shelf and, because he was a mess who couldn't organize his space even if his life depended on it, as soon as she grabbed what she needed a stack of folders fell to the floor. She went to get them and the first one happened to be a bright blue folder, very similar to the one he had given her to prepare for the CODEL. They instantly were reminded of what had transpired months before. He saw her face turn white and the way she held on to the other papers she had in her hands with far more strength than before as she tried to organize everything again, turning her back to him and not uttering a single word. For anyone else those two things would've gone undetected but he had been in her shoes before and seeing her body language he saw his own. It was in that moment that he understood why he was so scared of asking her again how she was really doing. It was because even before he asked, he already knew the answer. The realization broke his heart, because he should have been there for her, he should have known the effects of the bombing would have on her, and he wasn't and he didn't, because he was so wrapped up in his own guilt over sending her there in the first place that he didn't see what it did to her.

And so, not entirely sure if it was the best course of action, but knowing that he couldn't leave her alone, not again, he asked her "Donna, are you… How, how are you doing?" as he ran a hand through his hair and looked at the table in front of him before looking up to her again and searching for any signs that could tell him how she took his question. Almost everyone had already left the building, and so it was so quiet that he heard her take a deep, shaky, breath but he couldn't see her face and wasn't sure if she was going to answer his question or not. The only thing he knew was that she had heard it.

Donna's head was spinning, as it always did when she was reminded of anything, even the slightest thing, related to Gaza. She didn't know why that happened, but she couldn't help it. It was as if she couldn't control her emotions, as if someone pulled the rug from under her and there was nothing she could do to stand back up again, no matter how hard she tried. She felt her eyes fill with unshed tears and her heart stop for a second before it started to beat at such fast pace that she had to hold on to whatever it was that she was holding in order to feel get back some sense of control. At first, she didn't register what Josh was asking her, but as soon as she did, she couldn't help but tense up. She wasn't ready to talk about this, not with him and not with anyone, not yet. So, she took a deep breath and mustered the strength to say, "I'm fine Josh." hoping he didn't hear the way her voice broke when she spoke and hoping he would just drop it. She couldn't deal with this right now, her heart was about to leave her chest and her knees were weak as it was.

He wasn't sure if it was the fact that he knew her so well or the fact that she was doing such a bad job at keeping it together, but he could tell she was lying and she was building up walls and not letting him in, but he wasn't about to let her. So, he put his head in his hands and took a calming breath, because he knew this wasn't going to be easy, before pressing, "Donna, we both know that's a lie."

She had been too overwhelmed to feel angry, until he opened his mouth and told her that. For the first time since she saw the folder, she turned to look at him and, as she flailed her arms around. snapped "Well then, if you know so damn well that something's wrong with me why do you even ask?" an angry tear rolling down her cheek.

Josh just stared at her with his mouth slightly open. He hadn't expected this, he thought she was going to keep pretending everything was fine and she'd try to find a way to leave, he didn't think she would actually snap at him and show him anything other than the coldness with which she came back from Germany. He saw the way her eyes flickered with regret, probably at having talked that way to her boss, but it only lasted a few seconds, they hardened with anger again almost instantly. She was past the point of feeling sorry and past the point of dealing with everything that she was dealing with, he knew because he had felt the same way the night he smashed his hand through a window. He held his chin and part of his mouth in his hand and told her, "Because I want to help you", as his eyes pleaded with her to understand him and to see how honest he truly was about it.

But she wasn't having any of it, she shook her head and scoffed while she rolled her eyes, before saying, "Now you wanna hep me? You've wanted nothing to do with me since I came back to work! You have completely shut me out." As she managed to keep the tears at bay.

At that, Josh stood up from his chair. He was also not expecting this, and he could only keep his cool for so long, because even though he knew he had to stay calm for her, he was very much aware of the fact that this also involved him, and his feelings over the matter were complicated at best. So, he put his hands on his hips and asked, "What the hell are you talking about? We've talked every day for the past month!" his tone going higher in disbelief.

Donna let out a hollow laugh, "About you! That's all we ever talk about! 24/7."

At that, he rested his hand on the desk and looked down at the floor. He couldn't deny that she had a point, he was not as oblivious as everyone seemed to think he was, but this wasn't easy for him either and now he could see that, at least on a subconscious level, he had pushed her away. When he thought he was going to lose her he was ready to tell her how he felt, how he had felt for the last seven years, but he saw Collin and he was brought back to their harsh reality. And then, when she came back he did his best to pretend nothing had happened and go back to normal, that way he didn't have to deal with his feelings for her and, by pretending she was fine, he didn't have to hear what he was hearing now and feel the weight of her pain crush his heart with guilt. But he didn't know how to tell her that, so he stayed quiet.

She was thankful that he didn't try to deny it, for she really didn't have the energy to fight him on it. She was still reeling from the episode, or whatever it was that she had just experienced, and, slowly, the anger gave way to tiredness. It always happened, she was consumed by anger at first and then she just felt sad and tired, but she couldn't rest. Nightmares plagued her and her own thoughts and feelings wouldn't let her in peace. She felt like she was drowning, but she didn't want to drown in front of him. She'd rather get home and break down alone, as she had done for the past months. She cleared her throat and said, "I… I think I should leave." As she went to grab her stuff from his desk with shaky hands.

His head snapped up at that, he couldn't let her leave, especially when he saw the way her hands were shaking. He wasn't going to let her go through this alone, he wasn't doing to let her down again. He put one of his hands on top of hers to stop her. She looked up and he could see that tears were still rolling down her cheeks. He wiped a few ones away with his free hand and said, "You can't go home like this. Let's… Let's sit down in Toby's office until you feel better and then I'll drive you." And then, in the most caring tone she had ever heard from him, he pleaded. "Please." As his eyes shone with urgency, willing her to stay.

She swallowed a lump in her throat that she hadn't even noticed was there and took a shaky breath. She felt, just from the way he was looking at her and talking to her, that he had realized she was drowning and he was standing on the shore offering her a hand to hold on to. She knew he couldn't jump in and save her, but he was there and that was all she needed, to feel seen.

She turned the hand that was underneath his and grabbed it as she nodded and, giving him a small but unsure smile, said "Yeah… Okay." She could only imagine how hard all this was for him, she could see it in his eyes, but even though she didn't want to burden him, she was not as strong as she wished she was, she needed him.

He smiled in relief at that. He knew there was still a long road ahead, but at least he got her to stay. He brushed a few remaining tears and held her hand all the way to Toby's office. They were both thankful that it was so late that they were both alone, no prying eyes or fast tongues there to bother them.

Once they got to Toby's office he helped her sit down on the couch and went to get her a glass of water. When he returned, she gave him another small smile and took it from him as he sat down next to her but didn't drink it right away. Instead, she ran her fingers through the glass and, without looking him in the eye, attempted to apologize for her outburst, "Listen Josh, I… I'm –"

But he stopped her before she could continue, he put a hand up and said, "This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, 'Hey you. Can you help me out?' The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, 'Father, I'm down in this hole can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by, 'Hey, Joe, it's me can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.' The friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.'"

Donna, who had been looking at him since he stopped her, felt a fresh wave of tears pool in the corner of her eyes. But she couldn't help herself, she smiled in amusement and asked him, "Are you stealing Leo's stories now?" She was touched that he would share that story with her, but she was also trying to lighten the mood now that she was starting to calm down.

He looked at her in disbelief and asked "You know about that?" a smile forming in the corner of his mouth at seeing her start to feel better.

She took a sip of her water and shrugged before replying, "I'm everywhere Joshua, you know this."

At that, he laughed softly and said, "Yeah, that you are."

Her hands where no longer shaking and even though she still didn't feel ashore, which she guessed she might not for a long time, she did feel somewhat better. It definitely helped that he was there with her. She was grateful that he hadn't let her go, and so, she gave him a small, somewhat sad, smile and said, "Thank you."

He returned the smile and they sat in silence for a few minutes. She had kicked off her shoes and was resting her back on the couch, hugging her good leg to her chest while the other rested on the couch, still trying to get a hold of her emotions. After all, this had been the first time she let anyone see her struggle, it had always happened when she was alone, so this made it even more real, and that scared her.

His elbows rested on his knees and he held his face in his hands as he pondered what to do next. Because even if he could tell that she was now better, he knew that it was temporary and she was going to need all the help she could get to really get better. It had broken his heart to see her cry and he knew that once he asked it would break even more, but he was determined to help her. He cleared his throat and turned to look at her before asking, "How bad is it?"

He saw her tense up again and the way one of her hands moved to her injured leg, as if she was trying to reassure herself that she was okay. He leaned back on the couch and put one of his hands on top of hers while he waited for her to speak.

She was not looking at him when she spoke, she couldn't. She was afraid that if she did she might start crying and never stop. So, she concentrated on a spot on her pants and started, "I'm angry all the time, Josh. Angry or sad, sometimes both. Half the time I'm not sure what triggers it, it could be something like today or a loud noise on the street, things that are related to…" she took a deep breath before continuing, "To what happened. But other times I cannot identify it, I'm doing fine and then I get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and my head starts to spin and I just want to scream." She didn't realize she had started crying, until she felt Josh take the glass from her hands and put it in the floor next to him before pulling her closer to him and letting her rest her head on his chest as he soothed her. It felt good, to finally tell someone about the hell she was going through, but it scared her to think she might feel like this forever.

It was as if Josh had read her thoughts, for he said, "It's not always gonna be like this." As he ran a hand through her hair. Truth was, he had felt the exact same way she was feeling now. Only she, being smarter than him, had managed to recognize what she was feeling and put it into words. He, on the other hand, had pushed every feeling or thought away until he finally exploded. He was grateful that her version of getting to the point of no return didn't involve hurting herself, only screaming at him. He would take that over the alternative any day. But her going through this this way meant that she hadn't gotten any help, and he wanted to kill the doctors for not suggesting it to her, or maybe they had. He had to ask her. He kept running his hand through her hair for a few minutes until he could feel that she had stopped crying and then he asked, "Have you talked to anyone?" He felt her shake her head no in his chest and sighed.

At that point she had calmed down enough to get out of his embrace, get off the couch, and grab a tissue from Toby's desk. She leaned on the desk for support as she elaborated on her answer, "The people in Germany gave me some numbers but…" and then she shrugged, still looking at anything but his face.

Josh ran a hand through his face in an attempt to calm down before saying, "You work at the White House, how come no one made sure you were okay?" Not understanding how no one thought that she might be struggling after surviving a God damned bombing.

She inadvertently scoffed before replying, "I'm just some person who was at wrong place at the wrong time Josh. Why would anyone care about me?"

At that, his head snapped up, he could not believe she would think that way of herself. He told her, "You're not just some person, Donna. You are of extreme value to us." A few seconds passed and, in what was almost like a whisper, he added, "To me." And then it hit him. He had been shot, he was the White House Deputy Chief of Staff, and no one noticed he was struggling except her. Those doctors he was thinking about killing? Well, now he wanted to punch himself in the face for having been so stupid. He was the one who was supposed to look out for her and to make sure she was okay but he didn't. He didn't because he was afraid of her answer, afraid that he had hurt her too much by sending her there, and he didn't notice that he was hurting her more by not being there for her when she needed him the most

He stood up from the couch and started pacing as he sighed, "God Donna, I'm an idiot." He didn't even give her a chance reply. He was facing the wall with his back to her when he said, "You saved me from… I don't even know what I would have done if you hadn't noticed I was not okay, and I wasn't there for you. I send you there and then I trick myself into pretending you're doing fine just so that I don't feel so guilty about it. I did this to you and I didn't even help you after you came back." Now he was the one whose voice broke as he spoke.

He was so agitated that he didn't feel her come up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder before saying, "Josh, what happened was not your fault." She knew he was going to be guilt-ridden over it, he was always afraid he might do something that could harm the people he cared about, but he couldn't live like that and she had to let him know that she didn't blame him, not for the bombing and not for not asking how she was or telling her to seek help. Not when she saw how distraught he was about it, he clearly cared, he just didn't reach out because it had also been hard for him, she could see that now. She waited a few seconds before adding, "As for the other thing, you asked me and I lied. I could have told you the truth and I didn't. Don't beat yourself up." Her tone pleading with him to listen to her.

He turned around, his eyes shining with unshed tears as he said, "Donna, I thought you were going to quit when you couldn't go to Brussels. You were asking me for more and so I gave you the first thing that I thought you might like because I couldn't lose you. I was so selfish that I sent you there and then I almost lost you for real." He rubbed his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears from falling and then grabbed her hand in his and, before he could stop himself, added "I almost lost you. I almost lost you and I can't live without you."

She was stunned, her eyes went wide and her mouth fell slightly agape. She was definitely not expecting him to say those words. She knew that things were different after Germany, that had been the whole reason she and Collin broke up, he had told her that he couldn't compete with Josh for her affection and she tried to deny it, but he made some very valid points and told her that his boss loved her as much as she loved him. Still, she really didn't let herself believe him, especially after she returned and Josh shut her out and pretended nothing had happened. However, he didn't give her a chance to reply, he let go of her hand and started to apologize. From the look on his face it seemed that he also didn't mean for those words to come out. But she cut him off, she put her hands on his arms to stop him and said, "Josh, it's fine. I'm here." Once she saw him calm down she gave him a small smile and added, "And… I felt the same way after Rosslyn, I still do."

He looked at her in disbelief, his dimples showing the beginnings of a smile as he asked, "You do?" and his eyes shone with a glint she had only seen a few other times before, when he was really happy about having done something good. Once he saw her smile and nod, he pulled her to him and hugged her as he had wanted to do every day for the past seven years, no hesitation and no holding back, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and rested his head on her shoulder, breathing her in and feeling instantly at peace just by being in her arms.

She wrapped her arms around his middle and pulled him even closer and, as she buried her head in his chest, she couldn't help the array of emotions that overtook her. She was happy that he felt the same way she did and that his words and actions throughout the night were a testament to how much he cared about her, and she felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders now that she had told him how much she was struggling. However, she felt her chest tighten up when she remembered that he told her she needed to get help, for it only made it all more real and scarier. She fought the urge to close off again and push him away but, before she knew it, she was gripping the back of his shirt in her hands as she took deep breaths and tried to calm down again.

He instantly felt the way her body tensed up and recognized the telltale signs of someone who was spiraling down the rabbit hole once again. He had been there many times. And so, he lifted his head from her shoulder and, as he looked down at her, he whispered, "Donna." And when she didn't respond he started to rub her back softly and added, "We'll get through this together, okay? I'll give Stanley a call and fly him all the way here if I have to." As if he were able to read her exact thoughts.

She was about to protest and say that she didn't need his help or that she could talk to someone else, but they both knew that she needed him to help her take that step, just as he had needed her when he took his and she had been there without him even realizing and, even more so, she wanted him by her side through all this. So, she simply nodded and let herself relax in his arms feeling, for the first time since Gaza, that she would be okay.

He smiled to himself and held her tighter before kissing her forehead. He was extremely grateful that she had decided to trust him and to let him help her and it was in that moment that he swore that, even if it was the last thing he did, he would make sure that she was okay. Feeling her tired body cling to his more than before and hearing her yawn, he guided her to Toby's couch and motioned for her to lay down.

Once she did and she looked up at him and, with confusion in her eyes, said "Where are you going?" when she noticed that he was just standing there.

He scratched the back of his neck and said, "Well, I… I was going to…" as he motioned to the door but made no attempts to actually leave the room.

She chuckled at his awkwardness and patted the spot next to her as she said, "Joshua come here" with a smile on her face and the slightest teasing glint in her eyes.

It was as if all his smoothness from before had suddenly vanished now that he found himself about to lay down in a tiny couch next to her. Not that they hadn't slept together before, but it had obviously never been preceded by them admitting their feelings to each other. He suddenly felt nervous and wanted to make sure that she was okay with all of it. Especially since she had so many things to deal with right now, so he asked, "You want me to… It's okay if I…?" as he motioned now to the couch.

She grabbed the hand that was signaling the couch and pulled him to her and simply nodded while she gave him a reassuring smile. She couldn't believe that after the night they had he would still act like a dork around her, it was sweet and endearing and so very Josh that she felt her heart soar just from looking at him.

He let out a breath that didn't know he had been holding and a smile graced his lips as he bent down to take off his shoes before settling on the couch next to her and, as she wrapped her arms around his waist, he felt stupid for having doubted that she wanted him there with him and so he realized that it probably wouldn't hurt for him to talk to Stanley as well.

After a few seconds of them holding each other, each lost in their own thoughts about the night they just had, she said, "You really didn't stop for a beer, huh?" a small smile on her lips as she looked up at him.

He let out a soft laugh at the memory he held so deeply in his heart and looked into her eyes before replying, "Nor for red lights." As he pulled her closer to him and they drifted into the most peaceful sleep either of them had had since that fateful day four months before. And yes, they knew that they still had many things to talk about and that the road ahead of them wasn't going to be an easy one, but they had finally embraced how tuned they truly were to each other and there was no turning back from that. Come hell or high water, they would deal with things together. Just as they always did.

And so, when Toby entered his office at five in the morning because he couldn't sleep and wanted to finish reading some memos and saw them in his couch intertwined in each other arms after seven years of hiding their feelings, rather unsuccessfully he had to add, he thought that theirs was the type of love that poets wrote about.

"I love you like this because I don't know any other way to love, except in this form in which if I am not nor are you. So close that your hand upon my chest is mine, so close that your eyes close with my dreams." Pablo Neruda.