A/N: Thanks for the reviews, glad you like it!
Miss You Nights (Smokie)
Chicago, May 2015
The three women sipped their wine before Angela began, looking over at Alicia, "I know a lot about you, from Will and Diane, so I have a head start here. I'm also aware of the media attention surrounding you and your family." Alicia bit her bottom lip and looked down at the table. "I guess you have lots of questions for me," Angela added, taking a drink from her wine.
Alicia took a breath and nodded her head, pulling her bottom lip in over her teeth, "Yes, I have lots," she said, a weak smile crossing her lips. She noted that the woman opposite her seemed to have taken charge of the conversation and she suspected that it was a hangover from her day job, taking control. Alicia was aware of how calm Angela seemed, but she guessed this was, again, a kind of front, trying to hide the pain of Will's death and her nerves over this evening, if she was to believe Diane.
"There are so many things I want to know about your friendship with Will, especially the years you spent with him before I came to the firm. I hope that over time you can fill in the blanks," she said nervously. "But, let's start at the beginning, how did you two meet?"
"Fair question," Angela smiled at Alicia. "We met at a Bar Association conference back in Baltimore. My Dad was speaking and I'd gone to listen to him and then have dinner together. I met Will in the lobby beforehand, we got talking and I ended up bringing him to the dinner with Dad and his cronies – Will told me later he was quite intimidated by them all, especially if you factor in that one of the guys around the table is now a Supreme Court Justice!" She laughed and Diane smiled at her. Angela took a drink of her wine, before continuing, "A lot of them knew me, some from me being very young, and they were a little wary of the crazy young lawyer who was potentially my date. They didn't know him," she paused, "hell," she said, throwing her head back against the booth, "I didn't know him," she chuckled, "and they were obviously concerned about conversation and disclosure, but as the evening progressed everyone relaxed and Will won them over, as was his way," she smiled to herself. "My Dad seemed to like him and it was good enough for me."
Diane chuckled to herself, a broad grin spreading her face.
Angela continued, "After dinner we went for drinks and I got to know him a little better and liked him," she sighed, "he was a lovely man and, well, one thing led to another and we ended up back at his apartment. You can imagine the rest."
Diane let out a hearty laugh, a laugh that said this wasn't the first time she had heard the story, but was enjoying it nonetheless.
Alicia took a deep breath, a look of puzzlement on her face, "You slept with him on the first date?"
Angela bobbed her head from side to side, biting her bottom lip, "Well, technically it wasn't a date… but yes, that is fairly accurate assessment." She smiled and chuckled to herself.
"OKaaay," Alicia said slowly. "I don't want to get too personal, so maybe we'll leave that," she added, slightly embarrassed. Angela nodded and took a drink of her wine as Alicia asked, "Why didn't I ever meet you when Will was alive?"
"Well, you starting at Stern, Lockhart and Gardner coincided with my fellowship in Madison," she paused, "so I think that is why we never met. When I moved back to Chicago, Will was totally smitten with you and wanted to keep us apart," she chuckled and let her head fall back against the booth, "probably scared of all the stories I could tell! You guys were apart for a long time and a lot happened in that time," she said, taking a mouthful of her drink. "And then he took up with Tammy and it was, well, a bit awkward. We can save talking about her for another day, but for the record, there was something about her, I, I just didn't like her," her words were accompanied by her shaking her head and wrinkling her face, before taking another slurp.
Diane was smirking at her, adding, "She certainly didn't like you!" Her hand was gripped about her wine glass but her finger pointed in Angela's direction.
"No, no, she didn't. But with good reason."
Both Diane and Angela started to laugh.
Alicia smiled and joined in, "I wasn't her favourite either. She blamed me for the break-up and, well, she was partly correct," she said shifting a little uncomfortably in her seat and biting her bottom lip. Alicia closed her eyes and remembered her night with Will after the Judge Ellerby trial and smiled to herself.
Her moment of recollection was broken by Angela. "She left," she said matter-of-factly, waving her arm away from her gesticulating flight. "She went to London. She hoped he would chase her, he didn't. She really only has herself to blame leaving Chicago's sixteenth most eligible bachelor on his own." She let the last comment lie for a minute while Diane giggled, a broad smile crossing her face as she remembered the magazine article.
"Then after Tammy went to London, you," she nodded at Alicia who was biting her bottom lip, "made Will very happy," she said winking at the obviously embarrassed brunette. Angela finished her wine and began again with honest sincerity, "He was happy Alicia, he got what he always wanted," she paused, more to refill her glass than for dramatic effect, "you." Alicia could feel her cheeks reddening as the comment made her blush and feel a little uncomfortable.
"You were the one person I could never compete with, he'd put you on a pedestal since Georgetown and you were the love of his life, however corny that might sound."
Alicia smiled and looked down at the glass of wine in her hand. She knew tonight might not be the most comfortable or relaxing evening in her calendar, but she wasn't quite prepared for the honest, forthright words of Angela Austen.
"He said he liked himself around you, and he didn't like himself around a lot of people. You made him a better person, he tried to impress you, in and out of court," she paused, looking at Diane who smiled and nodded in agreement.
"I still remember the day after you, how shall I put it," she looked up to the left as she searched for a polite term that wouldn't redden Alicia's cheeks any further, "spent the night together," adding air quotes with her fingers.
"He came to my apartment, quite early, with a bag of bagels in his hand and the stupidest grin on his face. He really looked the happiest he'd ever been. As I made coffee, he told me about the trial, the bar, the tequila and the most expensive night of his life. But you were worth it. He'd have paid double to have that time again. He might have taken the stairs though," she smirked at the woman opposite her. Alicia laughed remembering that the elevator stopped at virtually every floor and let a smile cross her face.
"But, you hurt him." Angela's statement stabbed at Alicia's heart and she sniffed as she turned away and looked out of the window.
"I know," she said quietly, rubbing a hand down her face.
"No," she sighed, raising her hand, "no, you don't," this was in a serious tone that was new to Alicia. "I know you said it wasn't personal, but it was and I don't give a damn about that. I've seen him at his lowest and most vulnerable and this isn't the time to talk about that. It won't make any difference and it won't resolve the pain. All I want is to remember my friend and, maybe, get to know you. But I couldn't ignore it, the elephant in the room. "
Alicia felt her eyes begin to tear with each passing word. She swallowed hard and tried to stop herself from crying, but it wasn't any good. A tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly rubbed it away with her hand. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "It was business."
"Well, there was more to it than that, but like I said, I don't want to go there. Not tonight. Let's keep the law and Lockhart/Gardner out of it."
"Agreed," added Diane, who was herself choking back tears remembering the anger, sadness and betrayal in Will's eyes when she told him that Alicia, Cary and the fourth years were leaving.
Angela refilled their glasses, emptying the bottle and signalling to the bartender to bring another.
….
Changing the subject and keen to know more, Alicia asked, "So, you dated Will?"
A broad smile lit up Angela's face, "Yes," she nodded, "we dated for nearly two years from '98 to 2000, when we were both living in Baltimore."
Alicia nodded, "That was a long time ago, Will said he was a different person then."
Angela sighed, "Yes, to some extent he was. He was young, hungry to succeed and had issues outside of the office that caused him some grief and needed to be dealt with. But a lot of the bad stuff happened before we met and then he had a little blip later, although I put that down to an ex-girlfriend of his. He moved on from her and did change, bringing the better aspects of his character to the fore and being increasingly careful of the ethical tightrope he walked. To me, he was the same person, but he was different around other people. I always got the charming, funny, sweet Will. He once said that he found it difficult to be bad around me as I would always find him out and that was one of the reasons he needed to become a better person. It always amused me," she paused, "given some of the things we did together." A new bottle of wine arrived at the table and Angela thanked the server.
"The ex-girlfriend, do you mean Celeste?" Alicia asked, leaning forward over the table.
"Yes, do you know her?"
"Yeah, we've met a few times, she's, err, different."
"Different is a polite way of putting it, I would call her a devious bitch," Angela replied. Diane laughed, "We tried to get her to join the firm a few years ago, but I'm glad we didn't now."
Alicia tried to get back on track, commenting that, "It is a bit strange that you stayed friends for so long once you broke up and seemingly were still close. What exactly was your relationship?"
"On a basic level, he was my best friend," she said smiling, her eyes a mix of pride and sadness. "I think nowadays he would be described as my BFF!" The three women laughed. "But in reality it was more complex than that."
"There was never any of the awkwardness you get when relationships end, because our relationship, essentially our friendship didn't end, we just stopped dating and decided we were far better as friends than lovers." She was halted by Diane's laughter and her interjection, "If I was in court, I'd say 'Objection!' as that's not strictly true, is it?" she said in a forceful, yet slightly sarcastic tone, pointedly waving her wine glass in Angela's direction.
Alicia and Diane both looked at Angela, who gave a half smile and turned to look out of the window. After a moment, she turned back to face Diane, "Sustained," she said quietly. "I'll rephrase," she added winking at Diane. "We got to a point, a crossroads, where we had to think carefully about the trappings of a long-term relationship, did we go down the marriage, children route, which neither of us really wanted and could so easily have turned us into enemies," she smiled sadly at Alicia who nodded for her to continue, "or did we break-up, stop dating and maintain our friendship?" She paused, taking a sip of her wine.
"In any other world, we probably would have stayed together, but given what we wanted from life at that point, we decided to stop dating but kept the physical side, at least on and off when we were both single." Alicia took a quick intake of breath. Diane nodded at Angela, pleased that the younger woman was being truthful and signalling to Alicia the strength and depth of the Gardner-Austen friendship.
Angela continued, "Having a close relationship was important to both of us, but it didn't have to be necessarily a romantic one. We trusted and loved each other and," she paused, "I know it is difficult for other people to comprehend that we could maintain a sexual relationship, being the archetypal 'friends with benefits', but we did." She took a sip of her wine, watching Alicia's face as she began again.
"Over the years we didn't simply have no-strings sex. The string that connected us was our friendship. Yes, we loved each other, but we weren't in love with each other at that point, so we were able to separate physical from romantic attachment. It would be a lie to say that we weren't emotionally connected and yes, sometimes there was jealousy over the other person being in a relationship. I was more jealous of Will having a girlfriend or a date, than I was of the girl actually dating Will. It was about me having to take a step back and spend less time with him than actually not being the one in bed with him." Alicia wrinkled her brow and sipped her wine.
"Will could be jealous of women moving on, seeing other people. His way of dealing with it was to simply stop caring, but with me, and you Alicia," she added pointedly, "that wasn't an option. I dated a few of his friends and colleagues over the years and he didn't like that. Made him crazy jealous," she chuckled as she spoke the last line.
"I had no idea of your relationship and I really don't know what to make of it," Alicia sighed.
"It was complicated," Angela replied, talking into her wine.
Diane touched Alicia's arm in a moment of solidarity, before beginning, "As I've said, Will loved you both and I am certain that you were the only women for whom he had true romantic feelings. Alicia, you appeared to be the one who got away, the woman he always wanted, his Juliet if you will." She felt her mouth dry up, so took a mouthful of her wine.
"Will and I once said that our friendship was like a marriage but without the sex. Now Angela, I've always thought that you offered him the other part of that marriage, but not just the sexual side, you also gave him the domesticity, the constancy and the love that he craved. I know you two had fun, but he loved it when you were together, doing normal things that couples did, even though for the most part, you weren't actually a couple. That is why you two worked, you were comfortable together, didn't have to pretend or try too hard and, unlike his relationship with Alicia," she dipped her head and smiled at the raven-headed lawyer, "you didn't have to hide."
Angela smiled at Diane, "I think it worked because we didn't have to be cautious, we knew each other really well and, unlike others in similar situations we didn't have to keep our feelings in check. We always kept in mind that we weren't dating anymore and just had fun as friends. We'd go to ballgames, have dinner, or just hang out together.
"However, I think we did go about it in the wrong way, all the advice and psychology of being 'friends with benefits'," she used air quotes over the phrase, "is to keep it simple, don't spend too much time together, don't leave your toothbrush at each other's homes, etc. We seem to have ignored all of those rules and my piano certainly killed the last one!"
Topping her glass up, Angela began, "Back in 2000, Will in particular was not ready for commitment, and, even years later he struggled with what he really wanted. When he was dating you he got to the point where he wanted something more than just work, he spent his life working, getting ahead, building the firm and felt there was something missing." Alicia took a sharp intake of breath and looked at Angela with a questioning look on her face, her brow furrowed in confusion. Angela continued, "But he didn't act on it. He didn't really know what was missing and wasn't sure how to go about filling the void. It was something he talked about with both Kalinda and I, but he just left it. Then you guys ended your relationship and it was just something that was pushed aside, unspoken but never forgotten."
Alicia stared out of the window contemplating what Angela had just admitted: Will wanted more out of life. She sighed and thought about what could have been.
….
"I'm surprised we never met as Will didn't exactly keep his girlfriends away from Lockhart/Gardner. Did you ever come to the office?"
"In the early days of Stern, Lockhart & Gardner I worked nearby and would pop in. But it was smaller then and I knew quite a few of the attorneys, so I was comfortable meeting him at work." She took a sip of her wine, "In recent years, I rarely came to the office, basically because Will was scared I'd come across you and I don't think many of the old guard are still there, save perhaps for David Lee."
Diane sniggers then laughs out loud, "It doesn't matter that you don't visit, you got the grand tour before we moved in."
"Diane!" Angela said in mock horror, "For God's sake!"
"What's this? Am I missing something?"
"No, nothing to tell," she smiled as she remembered going to Stern, Lockhart and Gardner with Will one night while the offices were being remodelled.
"Oh come on, you can't leave it like that, I'm constantly spilling it, what?"
"We may have made out in Will's office," she said quietly, looking down and swiping her thumb across the screen of her phone.
"You did more than that," Diane began in a scornful tone, before continuing with a smile on her face, "when I saw you, you were behaving like teenagers who'd just been caught fooling around during recess." Her smirk was infectious and Angela smiled at the memory, "Yes, you didn't half give us a fright when the lift opened and you walked onto the 28th floor!"
Diane laughed loudly, "Yes, so I gathered."
"That has got to be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life," Angela noted.
Alicia laughed and took a sip of her wine, before quickly putting down the glass and turning serious, her face draining of colour, "Will perjured himself," she said, leaning forward, both hands on the table. The two women were silenced and turned to face her.
"No he didn't," Diane said calmly, shaking her head.
"Yes, he did, he swore that he only had sex in his office once, with Tammy."
"He didn't lie Alicia," Angela said quietly, "technically we had sex in Jonas Stern's office."
Alicia sat back against the wall of the booth, wiping her left hand over her eye and down her cheek, "I don't understand, Stern's office?"
"Alicia," Diane began, leaning forward across the table, "when we were designing the office space, Jonas Stern was originally going to have Will's office and Will would take the room Stern that ended up with. Stern changed his mind and they switched, so no perjury."
Alicia took a deep breath remembering her encounters with Will in the office; she realised she was smiling and said quietly, "I miss him," as her eyes began to tear. Angela put down her glass and leant across the table to hold Alicia's hand, squeezing her fingers with her own, smiling at her she said, "Me too."
A/N: The next chapter will include another flashback of the early days of Will and Angela's friendship.
