Toby's POV

Over the past couple of days, I've had a lot of time to think about myself, and what had happened to me since the incident. While I had liked to think I had bettered myself, I instead found some glaring flaws within myself.

And that's fine, normally, you wouldn't like that, but in every human, it's completely normal. Everyone has their issues that they go through, and it is completely normal. What separates us is how we handle our problems. Some of us ignore them until they become a noticeable issue, while others realize what it could develop into.

I definitely fell in the former. For months, Jt, Manny and Emma had all warned me of the path I had taken, and for those months I denounced their worries, claiming it was to better myself, to defend myself from Jay and Spinner. Now that they were gone, I had thought: what was the point of all of this?

While I was glad that they were gone for good, I was now left with all of this training. I began to think that I had spent months of exercise for nothing. Besides the benefits in confidence and health, there was no underlying threat anymore, they had been taken care of.

Despite that, I still wanted to exercise. At the end of the day, I had spent money on actual exercise equipment, and I was still enjoying the activities they possessed. The sweat falling off, the feeling of working out, or punching my punching bag were all satisfying elements that I still exercised daily. Whereas I put myself through pain for the first few months, now I was making sure they stayed there.

Regardless, I found myself realizing I owed Manny, Jt and Emma and apology. No matter how much I try to tell myself they didn't care, it was simply incorrect. They had tried to reach out and help, but I rejected them.

It was currently a rather hot day, and it was increasingly difficult to wear my baggy clothes as I would simply sweat from the heat, though the conditioner in the school helped immeasurably. As I changed into my clothing, I continued to think and ponder on how I've changed.

Sure, I was thinking of the people I had tried to hate for the longest time, I was still a different Toby Issacs. I would always tell myself that the old Toby Issacs had died, replaced by this new one. And just like the actual thing, once you're dead, you are dead, end of story.

The recovery phase on an aftermath can be really confusing, as some would be willing to try to be the same person they were. Others change completely to adapt to a new environment, which I fell in, whereas the others didn't.

But that doesn't mean I should discard any previous friendships I had.

Getting out of the change-room, my mind was set on finding Jt, Manny and Emma, all of which I struggled to find. Giving up within 3 minutes, I had decided to at least put my work bag in my spot before going back out.

Ironically, when I left the classroom, I was definitely spooked.

"Ahh!" I startled as I saw Manny tapped me. I had no clue where she had come from, and it had genuinely scared me

She giggled at my reaction, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm okay, you just appeared out of nowhere," I replied, shaking my head from the spook.

She smiled, "I'm very glad I found you, you with always disappearing and reappearing-"

"That's not true! I'm still here!" I cut her off, giving her a look of disbelief, which made her laugh.

"Okay fine, but Emma and I are planning on a house party this weekend, and we wanted to know if you'd come?" She stared at me unsurely, as if she expected me to decline.

"Is anyone else coming?" I asked carefully

"Yeah, I managed to convince Jt and Liberty to come,"

I was mildly shook, "How'd you get them to?"

Manny shrugged, "I honestly don't know, but they said they'll be there, so are you free?

I gave silence, my mind pondering whether or not I should go. Under many different times I would decline, but now, when I was going through a sort of crossroads, I was unsure.

"Huh, maybe I can go," I quietly said during my thoughts, to which Manny heard.

"Toby, if you don't want to go, you can jus-"

"I'll go," I finally said, cutting her off.

Silence again filled the atmosphere around us, as if Manny didn't hear my answer clearly.

I repeated, "I'll go, I'm just surprised you got Jt and Liberty to go,"

She replied, "I am to, which was why I had to make sure they said yes,"

I nodded, "Alright, so what time will the party be?"

She looked at her watch, "Friday at 4:00, after school,"

I put that the schedule in my thoughts. That would definitely interfere with my exercise workouts, but maybe I can take a break here and there. Craig has been telling me to lay back on the weights at least, as my muscle mass was bulging, which I agreed started to look a bit absurd.

Nodding to her, "Sounds great,"

She smiled back, clearly glad that I would be coming.

Sighing to myself, "Listen, Manny,"

She looked at me, concerned, "What's up?"

"I haven't really been the nicest towards you or Emma for the past months, recently,"

She shook her head, "It's fine Toby, we should've known you had some bad interactions with Spinner and Jay, I was wrong to see something in him,"

"I know, but you guys still deserve an apology for how I had treated you all during my isolation period,"

She looked at me concerned when I had talked about my period of pretty much being invisible, with it probably ending with that altercation with Jay, or the house party at Craig's.

"Toby, it's fine, we were all hurting from what happened, it only made sense for you to take your time to heal, we were fine with that. What concerned us was your changing appearance,"

I sighed, "I understand, but I like to think I'm fine and better than I was before this whole thing,"

She looked at me, clearly interested in my frame, "I would definitely agree,"

I chuckled, before putting a serious face on.

"How's Emma?"

She looked at me, seeing the concerned tone I had taken, "She's hanging in there. They're bad nights, but we work through them, but mostly nights where she can sleep better. This party is actually to help Emma get better,"

I nodded. Looking at my watch, noticing the time before class started.

"Okay Manny, I'll see you at the house party,"

She beamed at the mention of me attending the house party, "See you Toby!"

"See you later," I finished, before entering my class. While I was rather shocked that Craig wasn't in class yet, I would've seen in go in, due to my close proximity to the front door I was.

Thinking back at Manny's attempts to reconcile everything. While this definitely wasn't Grade 7 again, it was indeed nice to bond with each other again, see how everyone's doing. Sure, it would be awkward, but it was bond to be after the long period during our last big party.

As for my daily workout, I still had Saturday, I mean, it was one day where I would take a break. There wasn't anything wrong with taking a break every once in a while. It would not only benefit myself, but everyone else who attends, and most importantly, Emma, who's still recovering from the events.

Sighing, I gave myself a smile, rather hopeful of the party ahead of us.

The following night

In the occasional nights where I had plenty of time before I had fallen asleep, I would read a book. Whereas most of the books in the room were destroyed, through some borrowing from the library, I was able to collect some books to finish, and calm my mind from the dramatic environment of Degrassi.

Right now, Dad was out with Kate, they had celebrated some milestone in their marriage that I frankly didn't care for at this point. With Kate especially, as she basically has not recognized my presence ever since I had brought Craig into my place. But I didn't care, she could hate me, but for befriending someone who was nice was not a crime. My dad was more caring in my eyes, and I knew he was always concerned for me, but at the same time allowed me to garnish the privacy I needed.

While he was concerned with my change and my spending for exercise equipment, I had told him it had not affected my saving fees, which he was glad for. If I had earned my own money, I could spend it however I wanted.

But as of right now, I was alone reading my book calmly, or so I thought.

While I was rather surprised to hear steps in my house, as Dad and Kate had told me they wouldn't be home until midnight, I didn't mind. If it was a robber, I'd probably jump out of my window and visit Manny or Craig. I chuckled at my thoughts. I knew the door was locked and there was no glass shard sounds, so I knew they haven't broken in.

My mind was pondering as I read my book quietly, so I was rather shocked when I heard a knock.

"It's open!"

I raised my voice so the person at the other door could hear.

So, I was mildly interested when I saw Ashley come in. Throughout all of the times we hung out, we've never really initiated it. It was mostly when our parents would tell us to hang out, and even then, we wouldn't really speak.

Assuming it would be the same, I continued to read my book, until I heard her speak.

"Hey, Toby,"

I raised my eyebrow at her talking to me, "Hey, is everything okay?"

"I kind of wanted to talk to someone without any weird looks, or questions,"

"Okay," I said, wondering where this was going.

"It's Craig-"

I raised my eyebrow at the mention of my friend's name. Didn't he and Ashley break up? I was confused.

"What's going on?"

She shifted uncomfortably, "I've noticed that he and Ellie have been getting close to each other,"

I silently laughed, she was right, those two were as close as best friends as they could be, maybe even more.

"What's wrong with that? Are you jealous of that?"

She shook her head quickly, "No, it's not that, it's more that I'm worried for Ellie,"

"Is there something going on between Craig or Ellie that I know of?"

She looked at me, "Well actually, that's where I wanted to ask you for,"

I shrugged, "Judging from what you're telling me, I don't know any more than you do,"

"Are you sure, I've seen you hang around them a lot,"

"I guess the way they look at each other, a relationship is definitely possible, but they've both denied it whenever Marco and I would tease them,"

She looked at me, worry in her eyes.

I continued, "Are you jealous Ashley?"

"What? No! I'm over Craig, I'm more just worried for Ellie," She went on, "Craig cheated on me, what makes you think he might do the same thing to Ellie?"

I understood where she was coming from, Ellie is her best friend, so it's only natural to be concerned of your best friend trying to get together with you ex.

"I've talked to Craig about it, after we got yelled at by Kate, he still seems very guilty for his actions, he's told me how much it has affected him and told me how stupid he was to do something like that to you,"

She looked at me, curious for more.

I continued again, "He still says you're hurting from his actions,"

I saw her nod again, "well, if he's sorry for his actions, I hope he doesn't repeat it.

"Trust me, I don't think Craig would do something like that again,"

"I hope so," was all she said after that.

We sat there in silence for what felt like minutes. It was definitely one of the few times where we actually had a conversation, the first one since Grade 7, so why is Ashley talking to me now?

"Thanks for helping my fears,"

"It's no problem, do you need anything else?" I finished, hoping it would be the end, but when she gave me a look, which made me nervous.

"Well actually, I was wondering if you needed someone to talk to,"

Hoping to make a quick end to the conversation, I told her, "Just reading my book, nothing new,"

She scoffed when I said nothing new, "Right, and fighting Jay at the cafeteria, and pushing a drunk Spinner's nothing new for you,"

"I don't want to talk about this" I tried to tell her, but she basically ignored me,

"I know we had an understanding where we would just let each other go our own ways, let each other do our own thing, but you've basically changed in every way it's hard not to talk about,"

"Do we really have to do this?" But she continued like I didn't say anything.

"Toby, you think I don't notice your gym in the garage? You don't think I notice the muscle underneath your clothes? You don't think I notice your headband and hand wraps? You don't think I noticed you pretty much avoiding Emma, Manny and Jt? What you've been doing is something I can't just watch,"

Once she finished, I was finally able to talk.

"It's like what you said, you do your own thing, I do my own,"

She looked at me, "Toby, you don't usually pick fights with other people, and you don't usually workout, what happened?"

I gave her a look back, "The shooting, Ashley, the shooting, the background to it, everything,"

She looked confused, before understanding the connection between that and the expulsion of them.

"What-"

I cut her off.

"I knew how they brought themselves and how guilty they looked when Jimmy returned,"

She looked at me before saying something.

"So why the workout?"

"You can figure that out, now please leave,"

With that, I remained quiet. Seeing no hope in getting me the say anything, she left, closing my door.

While I didn't want to push Ashley away, we've never really cared for the wellbeing of one another to talk about it, which was why this conversation itself was weird.

Taking my mind off of that, I continued to read my book, as the sky darkened. I pondered on whether or not I was too harsh on Ashley. Sure, she was just looking out for her best friend, and with her experiences with Craig being pretty bad, it made sense for her to be worried. As for me, she's never cared for me until everyone else did.

Flicking the page on my book, I continued to read.


Craig's POV

With school ended, and Ellie and I in the garage practicing our performance, there was nothing else that had gone wrong today. Jimmy and Marco had come by, surprised by Ellie's inclusion, but accepted it, Marco in particular happy to see her.

With both of them leaving around an hour and a half after entering, it left Ellie and I alone, with nothing to do. We both finished enough with the music and school today, so we were both exhausted.

I looked at Ellie, she was looking down at the drums, clearly happy with the progress she's made, and with my help, had quickly adapted to the band.

I caught myself staring at her before she could look back. As I put away my guitar, she put a hand on it.

"Are you done already?" She smirked at me, to which I found myself returning one almost immediately.

"Maybe I am, I'm kind of hungry,"

She looked at me, surprised, "Huh, me too,"

We stared at each other silently, before I spoke up.

"So, do you want to go somewhere and eat?" I started, to which she laughed.

"Is Craig asking me out?" She sarcastically spoke.

I chuckled at her assumption, while I did want to, I knew I would break her heart just like I did to Manny and Ashley.

"If you want to take it that way, but I was thinking more of an outing for food,"

She looked at me, before nodding. I could've sworn I saw Ellie's face dip into a frown when she turned around.

Before I could respond to her, she got some clothes, clearly prepared to go out.

"I thought you girls took like 15 minutes to get dressed,"

She slapped my shoulder, laughing alongside me.

"Real funny Craig, let's go I'm starving" she said before walking to the car.

I chuckled at her childish antics, before catching up to her.

We didn't want to treat ourselves to an actual dinner, and make it look like a date, so we basically got a takeout for burger, Ellie opted for a greener alternative, before we ate in the car. We both were rather clean when we ate, at least slowly, so I wasn't too afraid of making mess in my car.

We ate in silence, appreciating the amazing taste of the food that we ordered. Despite Ellie's pleas I opted to pay for both of our meals, not wanting Ellie to worry about finances, though seeing her smile at me, I could tell she was happy with the choice I made.

We parked our car in a rather quiet area, so we could eat in silence, watch the stars and listen to everything.

We talked after we finished our foods, catching up with how life's been treating us. It was nice to hang out with Ellie. Having someone who understands the lows you've been through in life was nice, and also being there for them made me feel useful. In a way, it made me think I'd right my wrongs by helping others, and being there for Ellie made me happy.

My mind pondered on Toby and Marco trying to get me to date Ellie, which while was something, I admitted I would like to do, I found myself in a difficult situation. While I wanted to be there for Ellie, the risk of losing her increased if I took the plunge. I would much rather keep a consistent friendship with her, than risk losing her over a failed relationship.

Eventually we noticed the time, it was late, and Joey would question why we were still out.

"It's time to head back," I told her before starting the engine for the car.

We drove home in silence, admiring the cool atmosphere the nightfall graced upon us. I noticed Ellie was listening to the sounds of the night, while I was more focused on driving home.

Eventually we made it back, we both went into my room, smiling at each other.

"Thanks for the outing Craig," I heard Ellie tell me.

"No problem Ellie, I'm glad I could spend it with you," I smiled at her, which she returned.

We stared at each other, smiling at each other.

I don't know why, but this was something we've been doing a lot. I would enter my room, where Ellie would sleep, and we would just admire each other, appreciate our existences, wondering what we would do if the other wasn't there. In a way, we both depended on each other for survival.

This time, however, was different.

This time, we moved closer to each other. We sat next to each other, on my bed, looking each other eyes.

Eventually we were close enough to hear each other's breathing. I could hear Ellie's becoming quicker, as if she was thinking the same thoughts as me.

Soon, we were close enough to hear each other's heartbeat, just like mine, which I felt speeding up on overdrive, so was Ellie's. At this point, our we were mere centimeters apart from each other, my hand on her cheek, her eyes on me.

Tilting my head to the right, she tilted hers to the left, and soon afterwards our lips met. At that moment, Joey could've walked in and we wouldn't care. We were letting off months of hidden feelings towards each other, and it couldn't have felt better.

My hands kept at her cheek, and my other caressed her hair, while she slung her arms around my neck, trying to deepen the kiss. Breaking apart briefly, I licked her lips, which she giggled at before we reconnected, repeating this about 3 times.

Eventually, however, the demand of air from our lungs caused us to break apart, gasping for air, and looked at each other, I panicked, but tried to keep myself composed. She gave me a nervous smile herself, which I returned.

"Well Ellie, I'll see you tomorrow," I told her before leaving the room.

As I walked down, I let my panic set in. Fear of things becoming awkward between Ellie and I, fear between breaking her heart, just fear that I would lose Ellie, I let it out, hoping no one would notice, which thankfully, nobody did.

While I was glad, I let my feelings for Ellie known in that kiss, I ultimately knew I wasn't good enough for her. I would break her heart just like I did to the others, and I would lose another person. Not just a person, but a saviour who has helped me since counseling. I wanted to repay her, but not by breaking her heart.

I knew in that moment that I would either have to do it sooner or later, and that the quicker I told her, the better chance there would be for her to move on.

Memories of my failed relationships with Ashley and Manny swarmed me, scaring me just like a swarm of bees trying to sting me, it hurt.

Knowing I would have to tell her it was a mistake to kiss my best friend, who I secretly saw as more, honestly, I would've much rather she didn't enjoy it, but I knew from the fact that she kissed back, and tried to deepen the kiss, that she was feeling the same way as I did.

I knew our love was mutual, but I knew it was toxic. I was toxic to her, and the quicker I got her away from me, the better she would end up.

Sighing as I laid down on the couch, I wondered how Ellie would take this. Would she tell Marco? Alex? Or even Ashley? What would happen when Ashley found out her best friend kissed her cheating ex-boyfriend; how would she react?

She would probably tell her that I was a bad person to be around, and she was right. I knew it myself, Ellie may be a nice person, but I wanted to remain close to her without butchering it.

In a way, I was ashamed at myself for leading on Ellie, she was such a sweat girl. I knew if we had started a real relationship, I may pull the same thing I did to Ashley.

Shaking my head, groaning at the situation I had put myself in, I was worried at the next day. Would Ellie and I stop talking to each other? Would we pretend the kiss hadn't happened and continue on our daily lives? Would she ask for a relationship?

I was scared, especially of the latter. As much as I wanted to be with her, I knew I would ultimately break her heart. There were better fishes in the ocean than me, better able to swim with you, and avoid death with you.

I loved Ellie, I was aware, but I was also aware at how toxic I was to girls, and I knew that if I took the plunge, it would all be over for us.

Taking a deep breath, before closing my eyes, I told myself I mustn't lead her on. Even if she was hurt now, it would be better than to hurt her later.

I was so messed up

I knew from that moment now, that my future with Ellie was at stake.