…
Toby's POV
To think that one moment I saw him being his goofy self, talking about his desire for oatmeal, and the next moment he was gone was devastating.
Sure enough, three days after the stabbing, Jt was laid to rest, and here I was sitting in a chair with everyone, reminiscing all the possible and alternative scenarios I could've done to save him. Not caring for Drake, Johnny and Nic and focusing on Jt, or calling the ambulance straight away, the result was the same. Jt was dead, Craig was in the hospital, and here I was with a bandaged forehead and hip, with a casted arm. Seeing him getting stabbed by that Lakehurst student was probably more traumatizing than the shooting.
Another one of my friends were gone due to violence, and at this rate you just ask yourself when it's going to end.
I thanked any god I could that at least Craig was alright. While he hadn't regained consciousness yet, the doctors said he was stable and that he would recover. His shoulder injury in the end hadn't struck anything important and thus he suffered negligible nerve damage, meaning his shoulder would be fine within time.
As I heard Sean angrily vent about how he wanted to beat up the people responsible for this, I couldn't care in the slightest. I was angered at Lakehurst for doing something so stupid, so consequential, so degenerate.
I watched as Manny, Emma, Sean and Liberty look after each other like a pod.
Once again, I was alone. Just like after the shooting, I was alone, with no one to talk to. I was ignored by them, while they looked after each other.
Maybe I was only really connected through them with Sean and Craig, or maybe they truly just forgot about me, not surprising.
Making my way outside of the funeral area without being noticed, I took a breather outside. I contemplated, but nothing was satisfying. The scene kept playing through my head. The desperation in my voice when I called for Jt to look out, the knife embedded in Jt and Craig, and the vicious psychotic grin Nic gave me as he sliced me mercilessly.
Both Nic and Drake had been arrested. Drake was charged with second degree murder, whereas Nic was arrested on aggravated assault and attempted murder. To my dismay, Johnny was released after he was questioned.
I was mildly interrupted to the sound of the door opening, revealing a tense and emotional Liberty.
She clearly looked a bit surprised by my image outside, "What are you doing out here?"
I sighed, not really in the mood to talk, but ultimately decided to take this as being reassured, "Taking a breather, not really comfortable with funerals."
She pointed towards the direction she came from, "I don't think anyone is."
"I mean that's funerals, no one really wants to go to one,"
Silence, after the attempt of what could've been taken as a joke, but I genuinely was telling a fact. Unless it was your sworn enemy, then a funeral wasn't fun.
I noticed that Liberty hadn't gotten any better, and so I talked to her, "You okay? What's going on."
She sighed, "Everyone expects me to be like Mia, crying her eyes out, I can't."
"Jt wouldn't want this, with these flowers, organ music and sad people, Jt would hate this." I finished my mini rant, not meaning for it to come down to that.
"You're right," She replied after a bit, "He'd probably put whoopee-cushions on everyone's seat."
That got me to chuckle a bit, which was nice, but I knew that Liberty needed something else to cheer her up.
"I think a memorial for him in school would be better, you'd help me with that, right?"
She seemed a bit unsure, "I don't know."
"I'm pretty sure Emma, Manny and the others would be glad to help, besides I can't do this alone."
"Alright."
I nodded, "Thank you, now go back in there and talk to others."
She put on a suspicious face, "What?"
"You're not going to get anywhere like this, talk to others, even Mia."
Liberty's face turned to a bit of anger at the mention of Mia, but she softened.
I continued, trying to reason, "It isn't the time to hate each other, if anything, hate the people who did this."
She nodded firmly before walking back in, presumably to talk to them as I had insisted, she did.
But now, yet again I was left to my own devices. Always being the guy to help others through a tough time, but never getting any reassortment back.
Just like last time, I was alone.
Sighing, half hopelessly and half anger-filled, I walked out of the building, not wanting to be anywhere near a funeral anytime soon.
…
Making my way towards his room, I took a deep breathe. Ever since the incident, I had made sure to check up on Craig. It wasn't that I didn't care about Jt, but I did everything I could in assisting in setting up Jt's funeral. Ultimately, the experts were fine with doing everything, with us just for slideshows and music.
Even though I had checked up on Craig multiple times, I still felt like a bad friend. Making my way to his room, I was mildly surprised to see Emiko there, she turned around and noticed my figure before smiling at me.
"Hey!" She exclaimed walking towards me, pulling her hand out to touch my arm.
I smiled back and nodded as a form of nice to see you again, but I didn't really feel like talking. I hadn't in the funeral. In fact, I hadn't really said a single word within that room. So, I didn't feel like I was going to here.
But to my surprise, Emiko took notice of my behaviour, and rubbing my arm, she asked, "How've you been?"
I looked up to see her concerned brown eyes staring intently at me, which made me speak, "Just came back from the funeral."
Her eyes fixated onto me as her face dropped a bit, "How was it?"
"Terrible, it's a funeral."
She gave a small sad chuckle at my unexpected answer, but smiled at me nonetheless.
Ever since that night of the stabbing, Emiko and I had developed an interesting friendship, which I was unsure about.
On the one hand, she was incredibly fun to be around, serious, liked anime, and had a respectable persona. She was fun, yet smart. Good looking, but humble, and had amazing hobbies that I liked. We and her clicked together well and we just functioned in perfect sync. In person, she was great, and outside of her volunteering, she was entertaining, yet simple.
However, the basis of how I met her ultimately was the same time I lost Jt, and for that reason it just seemed a bit too awkward. I didn't really know how to explain it, but meeting a new friend just after the death of your best friend sounded kind of traitorous in a way.
Regardless, she was confronting me, and after that night, she had given me her phone number so we could talk.
It was nice, we talked about a lot of things that night, common interests, hobbies, our origin, it was the perfect distractions.
Unfortunately, distractions were what they are, a mask to hide the problem, and once that mask was removed, the problem was still as prevalent.
"How are you feeling?" She asked me, which did mildly surprise me. No one had really asked me how I felt. It was always me asking others and being there, and setting everything up.
I myself, was never confronted about the wellbeing, it hadn't happened after the shooting, and I assumed it would be the same.
Until now, that it.
I smiled at her, "I'm better, now that you asked."
Her face seemed a bit flush, which only made her look cuter. Thinking of her now, made my face look flushed, and now we had two idiots staring at each other with pronounced blushes across our cheeks.
I cleared my throat, making a sound to notify her. I couldn't get distracted, I had someone to visit, "Umm, do you know how Craig is?"
She blinked, having been woken up from her trance, "Uhh, yeah, he regained conscious earlier today."
I smiled at her, "Really?"
She laughed at my enthusiasm, "Yes Tobes, let me direct you to him."
I smiled, eager to see Craig again. While I was aware of her using my personal name, I didn't mind nor care.
Unexpectedly, I hugged Emiko, who originally shocked, returned the gesture, "Thank you for taking care of him." I said in her shoulders.
"It's my job." Our hug broke up as I eyed her mistake, to which she seemed flustered again, "Uhh, well, I mean my volu—let's go and see Craig!"
Laughing at her failed attempt to change the subject, I followed her as she brought me to Craig's room.
Immediately, I saw a grinning, but dazed Craig, "Hey Toby."
I sighed, giving Craig a playful punch on his left shoulder, "Hey man, how are you?"
He clearly was stiff, after all three days of not moving must have been weird, "Uhh, could be better."
I chuckled at his statement.
Eventually he spoke up, "How are you? I see a cast on your arm."
I raised my arm to show him, "Yeah, I got sliced up a bit, but I didn't get stabbed."
"That's good, trust me, you don't want to be stabbed."
I looked at him, specifically his left shoulder, which was covered in a huge white mass of treatment, he was all wired up and probably on pain relievers.
"How's Jt?" He suddenly asked, and I quickly felt sad.
Craig hadn't known the fate of Jt, as he was unconscious and being treated for his shoulder wound, how would be feel about the funeral just happening? Just thinking about these things really put me in a bad place.
I sighed, "He didn't make it." Was all I said before silence returned. Craig was clearly shocked but didn't ask any more questions. He just let it go and that, which I thanked as I didn't want to press further on the events.
"The funeral was today."
Craig sighed, looking both sad and glad, "I'm glad I didn't go, not because I hated Jt or anything, but more that I just hate funerals."
I agreed with him, funerals were too sad, especially for someone like Jt.
"We were actually planning on a memorial for him at school."
"That's better, I'd be glad to help with that once I'm out of here, how's everyone else?"
I smiled before responding to his other question, "They're all healing, but it'll be hard to move on, and I don't think you should help with your shoulder."
He laughed, "You don't think so?"
I nodded before turning to Emiko, who was watching us laugh like the best friends we were. Soon enough she left the room the probably help with others.
"You like her, huh?"
I turned to Craig who had said that with a smirk. I simply shrugged; now was not the time for that, "Not really, she just helped me through the event, with my injuries and everything."
This didn't convince Craig, as he simply continued with his smirk, "You're thinking of it."
I shook my head, not wanting to talk about this, "She reminds me of this, even if I did, I can't."
He seemed to notice my uncomfortable tone, so he decided to switch the topic, "Did Ellie or Marco visit me during this?"
I shook my head, "Not that I know of, they probably did, but they didn't tell me anything."
I saw him sigh, before going into a saddened expression, I pat his shoulder, "I know everything seems bad, but let everything work out."
He nodded, "Alright, well then go and make it work out between you and that cute nurse."
I blushed, hoping to god he didn't notice, but he did, and he laughed, I simply scoffed at his immaturity before leaving.
As if this was even more ironic, I bumped into Emiko. "Sorry." I mumbled before making my way out of the hospital as fast as I could. Besides, maybe Manny, Emma and them all probably noticed my absence.
But judging from my phone, highly unlikely.
Driving away as far away and safely as I could, I walked out of the door, enjoying the hillside, watching as the sky darkened. Ever since the death of Jt and the knife attack, the scene kept playing in my mind over and over. It felt like a simulation, but it was in fact real. The fresh wind kept a nice balance between realism and imagination, and I let my mind ponder, not caring about the outside world for now. By the time I got back, it was completely dark, and I was somewhat hopeful someone noticed my absence.
Instead, by the time I made my way back to my house, I had gotten a text from only Emiko. The only person who had clearly texted me and cared, was Emiko, and the more I talked to her, the more I wanted her, but I ultimately knew it was wrong.
Emiko: Hey, are you alright? You left abruptly.
Toby: I know, it's just I had to get back to the funeral.
Emiko: Oh, I hope you are alright, if you need to talk, I'm open whenever I'm not volunteering.
Toby: Thanks.
Even though the whole stuff with Emiko and I was difficult, I smiled that she was at least checking up on me, more so than my friends from Degrassi. It made everything we had even more special. Even though we've only know each other for a few days, we already developed a bond and cared for each other. It was like we were childhood friends all over again.
She kind of reminded me of Kendra, but way hotter and cuter, as well as more caring for me. Maybe that was her nurse side with her volunteering, but I felt like there was more.
I sighed, as I laid down, unsure of what I wanted to do. At this rate, I was doomed to go through a never-ending cycle of pain.
Before I knew it, I had woken up, and looking at the clock, it was almost six in the morning, had I really slept throughout the afternoon and night?
Looking at my phone again, I had seen a message from both Craig and Emiko.
Craig: Doctor said I could be discharged as early as tomorrow, maybe I could help you with that cutie?
Emiko: Why is Craig so eager to know about me? It's kind of scary.
I laughed a bit at the connections between these texts and I answered them jokingly.
Before I knew it, I was back at the gym. Despite my arm cast, I was still able to perform some workouts, just not the ones that were arm centric.
I also couldn't workout as much knowing what high school would be like.
Before I knew it, I was inside Degrassi, and the atmosphere and tone were what you'd expect. Incomplete, and empty.
Just walking into Degrassi made you quickly realize that the community was reeling from shock.
Similar to the shooting, everything just felt hopeless, and everyone looked sad. It genuinely made me believe I was back in my isolationist period.
Only, this time, there was no way to repair the damage. Jt was adored by us and loved, unlike some others, and I knew that moving on would be even more difficult than the shooting.
Making my way across the hall, I was interrupted by Mia.
"Toby, you were the last one he talked to, I have to know, what was he talking about?"
I sighed, not wanting to go through this, "Nothing really."
I was hoping that was it, she would just leave me alone, but to my dismay, she followed me, "Please Toby, even if it was the simplest thing, I need to know."
Why did she need to know? This was kind of creepy. I sighed, "You want to know what he was talking about? He was talking about oatmeal and how he wanted some so badly."
Her face softened and she looked more calm at that statement, "oh, okay, thanks for telling me."
She clearly looked a bit disappointed, but she walked away leaving me alone, to ponder my thoughts.
Thinking that was the moment I could finally breathe, I stiffened when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
I turned around to see Manny looking at me sternly, "Toby, what did Jt really talk about?"
I sighed, simply pointing with my eyes to the girl near her locker, Liberty.
She followed my gaze before realizing what I meant. "Oh my god."
I nodded, so when she replied, "So when he said he wanted oatmeal, he meant-"
I nodded, confirming what she was getting at. Simply walking away as she stared in shock, I knew this day back would kill me. It would bring more pain than what I felt in my forehead, left arm and right hip.
…
2 hours later
…
Liberty, Mia and I had just finished taking out the remaining of Jt's stuff left in his locker. Though there were some small fights, we managed to successfully spread out the items. Mia, Liberty and I all got the stuff we needed, and with the memorial being prepared, we were only preparing further.
Oh, but the process was difficult.
Stupid people and their stupid condolences. It was also weird, though, as I didn't expect this. When the shooting happened and my friend died, everybody was quick to antagonize me. But now, they saw me as a victim, one of the people who was shook more than them. And it was true, I was. I just lost another person close to me, not to mention another was in a hospital, and was unconscious for days, while I was lucky to not even get stabbed.
The bandages on the sites of my cuts were a memento of the traumatic experience I had endured. Just as soon as I felt I had completely gotten through the trauma of the shooting, the mental images were finally fading for good, only for it to be replaced with a new scar, for both my physical and mental image. I had a new laceration cut on my forehead and hip, and a puncture wound on my arm.
Sitting down in a bit of fury, I at least tried to tell myself that at least people were asking if I was alright, but it just seemed redundant, and before I knew it, I burst out of the classroom in a rage of fury, ending up in a quiet section of the hallway.
I didn't know what to do, so I just preceded to slowly fall to the floor, my back against the wall. I didn't want to talk to anyone, especially Emma, Manny or Sean, and Craig was still recovering. I looked at my phone at my contacts, and deciding to click the first one I saw, I put the phone to my ear and began rambling as soon as the ringing stopped and I heard the other side pickup.
"I'm sorry for disturbing you, but I'm kind of sick of everyone and everything. I'm sick of all the looks of sympathy from the same people who antagonized me, I'm sick of the same old sorry for your loss, sorry for everything, and sorry in general. Sorry this, sorry that, all I hear is sorry!"
"Well, that's going to happen when you lose someone close." I held my breath of shock at the voice. It was Emiko. I had called Emiko out of all people.
I sighed, "Sorry, I was hoping I picked someone random so I could just ramble."
"No, it's okay, I'm free at the moment."
"Oh," I smiled a bit, "That's nice, getting a nice break after a long day."
"It's whatever really, I enjoy it," I heard her reply back, "But you clearly are not having a good time, don't you think you should take the day off?"
"I don't know really; I'm going to miss a lot of stuff."
She laughed unexpectedly, "I understand your worries, but you have a genuine reason to take a break, just ask for the pages in your textbook to read, take a break, besides you're already doing great in school."
I smiled at the thought of a break, after all, maybe I did need one, just for the day, "Maybe a break won't be so bad, do you have a shift later?"
"I do, but not until 4, so I have a few hours of relaxing, why do you ask?"
I shifted uncomfortably, unsure of if she would take this the wrong way, "You want to go out and do something fun? To get our minds off of stuff?"
I heard her chuckle, which made me a bit uncomfortable, "Of course, I'd like to spend some time with you."
I smiled, maybe today wouldn't be so bad.
…
Later...
…
I chuckled as Emiko told me another joke about anime. Right now, we were in my car, as I was driving, we had just come back from a lunch meal at the Dot, we had sat around and laughed at each other at the silliest and simplest things.
After the initial laughter, the atmosphere became a bit quieter, as I realized where I was taking her. I was taking her to the hillside cliff where I had gone after the initial shock of the funeral. Stopping my car abruptly at a small parking lot, I had gotten out, much to Emiko's confusion.
"Toby, what's going on?"
But I didn't say anything, instead I walked near to the cliff, before sitting down. I looked back to see Emiko a bit concerned, but eventually she walked towards me before sitting down next to me.
Initially, we didn't talk, we just let the soft breeze of nature take hold as we looked at the cliff view, a shoulder's distance. Eventually, I looked over to Emiko, who herself was too busy taking in the view.
I examined her from head to toe, her medium length, black striped brown hair swaying in the wind, showing its true colors. Her red medium lips, brown eyes, coupled with her soft features made her sort of stand out. 5'3", slim, she was half Filipino and French, with a bright tanned skin, she looked amazing.
Realizing I was staring, I quickly shock my head before turning back to the view in front of me. Shortly after, though, she unexpectedly put her head on my shoulder. Looking curiously, she was looking up at me, emulating what I had done seconds ago.
"What going on Toby?"
I snapped out of my trance, "What do you mean?"
I heard her sigh, but she remained where she was, her head on my shoulder, her soft head acting as a pillow.
"What was Jt to you?"
That caught me by surprise. "How did you-"
"Craig told me Jt wasn't strictly your best friend, but you had history."
I sighed, "We were best friends, until the shooting, though even then it's confusing."
"What do you mean?"
"It's complicated," I started, "after the shooting, Jt kind of laughed at my face for befriending the shooter."
"What?"
"I understood him, we were both outcasts and deemed less, so we bonded, and with Jt hanging around the popular kids, I kind of felt left behind."
"What was his name?"
I shuddered, remembering his name brought up bad memories, even though we were friends, just the sight of him and Sean wrestling the gun, the shot firing, then them both collapsing was enough to haunt someone for life.
"His name," I said with some noticeable difficulty, "was Rick."
"So..." She started slowly, "what happened after Rick died?"
"I tried getting back with Jt, but he laughed in my face and rejected me, later he condemned me for befriending a shooter."
She looked interested by the turn of events, "So what happened after?"
"I got bullied out of fear for being next. It's ironic, because the reason he acted out the way he did was because people kept picking on him, and now they feared me, so they did exactly what led to the whole mess."
She noticed my saddened expression, before she put a hand on my hand. While weird at first, she eventually got up, "We can talk about it more in the car, I'm getting a bit cold."
I nodded, and once we got in the car, she gave me the look to continue.
I sighed, not really knowing how to go on more, "I guess after, I just accepted I was an outcast. I disappeared from the scene for a while, in their eyes, when in reality I was just trying to find ways to distract myself from my failing social and mental life."
"So, what did you do to distract yourself? A distraction isn't a permanent solution, it's just putting a cloth over bad food and hoping it'll leave?"
I pointed to my arms, "I worked out, got fit, it helped, the feeling of sweat, the panting and heartbeat, I would get so tired I would forget everything."
She held my hand, squeezing it, "So where did Jt come from?"
"I got into a tussle, a cafeteria tussle with someone, and that's when Jt confronted me. He said he worried about me, and cared."
She looked intrigued as if getting where this was going, "And you brushed it off, rejecting him."
I nodded, "Yeah, if he was worried, he'd reach out sooner, he'd notice my disappearance and my silent approach, instead he was busy trying to become popular. I hate him, hate him for leaving me in the dark when I needed him the most."
"Well if you really hated him, why do you care so much about his death? It seems to me that regardless of all the hate you had for him, you still saw friendship with him."
I relaxed, "Maybe I did, and we still talked a lot prior, and I hated myself as I did."
I heard her sigh, "Toby, you clearly still were his best friend, he realized his mistake and was trying to fix it."
At that sentence I felt my breathing stop, my thoughts going back to Jt telling me he was trying to make it up to me. I started to realize shortly after the laughs we shared after the events. Sort of like a mid-day dream, I found myself going over all the times Jt and I spent together, both before and after the shooting, and before I knew it, I realized that even though I hated Jt for what he did, I ultimately forgave him, but I never told him.
With the day dream ending, I frantically looked back to Emiko and outwards.
"Toby, are you okay? You're breathing erratically."
"I-" Was all I could say as I felt tears threatening to spill over my eyes. I didn't want to cry, especially in front of Emiko, so instead I let out a yell of rage. At least that's what it sounds like, but it was similar to my yell back in my room before I broke everything. The yell was full of loss, anger, sorrow and despair.
I looked over to Emiko who looked terrified, and before I knew it tears were freshly coming out of my eyes, I was sniffling, trying my hardest not to burst fully into tears. Emiko was looking concerned now.
I felt a hand pull me over, and saw that Emiko was hugging me, "It's okay Toby, it's normal to cry after a loss."
"I let my fucking ego get in the way." Was all I said.
"Regardless of what you did, it wasn't your fault he's gone."
While I wasn't full on crying, I was quietly sobbing in Emiko's arms.
Eventually, I calmed down, and I fixed myself, "Sorry," I mumbled to her before we drove off, my mind set on one thing.
"Where are we going?" Emiko eventually asked after realizing I wasn't dropping her off to the hospital.
"Just to visit my friend." Was all I replied to before reaching to the graveyard.
As much as I hated being here, there was at least one thing I could do to let Jt truly let go, as much as I didn't want to.
So, as I walked towards Jt's grave, something I never thought I would think that, I was mildly shocked to see a tall, slim figure over. It wasn't until I saw his bandaged left shoulder did, I then realize that the figure was Craig.
"Craig! What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at the hospital?"
He turned around, looking just as shocked as I was. However, Emiko was the one to break our silence, "I kind of forgot to mention he was discharged earlier today, so surprise!"
I looked at her, chuckling slightly before giving Craig a handshake, "Good to see you well man."
He smiled, "Thanks, what are you doing here?"
I shrugged, "I could ask the same with you."
He sighed, "I felt bad not even attending the funeral, so I thought that I could at least visit his grave and pay my respects."
I nodded, knowing what he meant. But I wasn't here to pay my respects, not that I didn't want to, but because I already did at the funeral.
Watching as Craig put some flowers on the soil, I made my way towards his grave, letting Craig and Emiko watch from a distance.
This was possibly the hardest thing I had to do, let my best friend go. Regardless of how much I want him here, I know now where his place was.
So, letting my breathe go, only some certain words came to mind:
"So long, best friend."
