NOTES: This spoof is purely for fun. I have been told this would fall under "crack fic" (whatever that means), so forewarning to all of you.
That being said, I started this a long time ago as a LOTR spoof, and it made me laugh, so I figured at least some other people would enjoy it.
Chapter 1
It was a bright, calm midsummer day on the Shore. The Habbit community was gathered outside, preparing for one of the largest events in recent history- one of their own, a not so humble Habbit by the name of Bottle Bagend, was about to leave the community, There was a slight sense of sadness, as everyone would miss mocking him and his bottle, but on the whole there a sense of relief- hardly a member of the community at one point or other had not been soaked by goat's milk from his famous bottle.
The person in question, Bottle Bagend, was at his home, a small and cozy cabin nestled in a stand of woods. At that precise moment, he was enjoying a fresh bottle of warm goats milk, while chatting with the self proclaimed Wizard of All that was Sticky and Gummy, Gludalf, and his nephew, Frito Baggy, who was munching his way through an old bag of chip, his third of the day.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" Gludalf was asking Bottle.
"Quite sure," replied Bottle. "I've soaked everyone in the Shore with my bottle already, I need some new targets. besides, the Elves will a nice change of pace from the everyday habits of the Habbits."
"Surely they aren't all boring by now," chimed in Frito. "there must be some entertainment value left in their routines. What about Vice-Mayor James Hollywood? his tendency to deliver his speeches in random style every time is still worth a few laughs. Remember his impression of a mime?"
"Yeah, he spent an hour delivering a speech in total silence. One of his best speeches ever, in my opinion," responded Bottle. "But no, even the charm of seeing what personality he will channel next is wearing off." Frito looked rather downcast at this.
"Very well then, if your mind is made up. We have a few issues to discuss." Gludalf said solemnly.
"Like what?" asked Bottle.
"First off, there is the issue of your house. The lawyers will have your house as soon as you set foot outside the Shore, unless you have made other arrangements."
"Oh, that's taken care of. I have everything willed to Frito, down to the last speck of dust in the basement. If a lawyer tries to get this land, they'll be debarred faster than you can say 'Ni!'"
"Very good. Then there is the issue of the party. How do you plan on leaving?"
"I've been meaning to talk to you about that actually. I have a couple new ideas to add."
"Lastly... there is the small matter of your old toe ring. I trust that it will not go with you?" At this, Bottle showed hesitation.
"it would be nice..." he murmured uncertainly.
"I strongly believe that it should stay here," Gludalf stated firmly.
"So you've said several times already, old friend," sighed Bottle. "But very well. For once I will take your advice and will that to Frito as well. but I feel bad parting from such a good reminder of our adventures together."
"Not that again," muttered Gludalf. "You bought it from a souvenir store on the way back from the Lone Mountain, remember?"
"Wait, you mean you didn't wrestle it from a slimy former habbit deep in the Black mountains?" asked Frito in astonishment.
"All this time and you still haven't told him the truth? For shame, Bottle!" Bottle, annoyed, stopped sucking on his bottle, and, turning it on Gludalf, attempted to spray him with some cool goat's milk. Gludalf was too quick for Bottle though, and hit the tip with a gunk of super strong fast-drying glue.
"My best bottle!" moaned Bottle.
"Serves you right," responded Gludalf unsympathetically. "You should have known that after that long voyage of being soaked by you and your bottle, I would catch on sooner or later. You're lucky the dwarves didn't chop it in half." Bottle, muttering darkly to himself, went to get a fresh bottle.
"No, for the particular ring that we were discussing, your esteemed uncle did not, in fact, get it from the old habbit," said Gludalf, turning to Frito.
"Then where did he get it?" Frito was understandably confused.
"In fact, he-" Gludalf started but was interrupted by Bottle.
"That's enough!" cut in Bottle, who had just returned, wielding his fresh bottle menacingly. "you may be able to disprove my stories, but i will correct them!" Gludalf sighed and fell silen.
"He is right." continued Bottle, sitting down. "I didn't wrestle it from an old habbit. I had gotten a ring of invisibility from that habbit, but somehow lost it on the way back. We had passed a souvenir shop, and I had to get something to remember the journey. Luckily they had a large collection of bottles, and I was able to stock up, as I had lost or broken many of them on the journey. After I came out, I saw a particularly attractive old fashioned vintage bottle in the window of a pawnshop across the street.
"I just had to have it, so i marched across the street and burst in, demanding the bottle. The storekeeper was not nearly as intimidated as I hoped, and demanded a high price for it. After half and hour of wrangling and haggling, we finally settled on a reasonable price. To sweeten the deal, the shopkeeper threw in the ring for free. Apparently he had found it fishing, although how it came to be in the pond, he has no idea."
"So what happened to all those stories of it making you invisible?" asked Frito.
"Invisible? Ha! It just makes your clothes perfectly clean and wrinkle free, as if they had just returned from the dry cleaner's. It also whispers dark things in your ear, but if I really wanted to hear that, I would just go to the local bar on Halloween." snorted Bottle. "I made all that up to make it sound cool."
"Then how did you sneak in and out of all those places?" asked Frito.
"I never told you, but I did take classes at the local thieves guild. I have quite a turn for it, though I still don't know how Gludalf found out."
"I knew the headmaster, Fagin, personally." was Gludalf's answer. "it was he who recommended you to me."
"I see..." mused Bottle.
"But if you attended a thieves school, and had a ring of invisibility, what am, I supposed to do?" asked Frito. "I can't sneak as well as you can."
"Sure you can! You remember all those little games we played while you were growing up? You always won hide-and-seek games," was Bottles answer. "I was training you in the art of thievery all along."
"There's a big difference between hiding from you and hiding from an army with no cover."
"Try hiding under bodies? There was that time I hid from everyone be lying down in a field of dead orcs..."
"You mean the time you were knocked unconscious by a rock?"
"Hey, it worked!" Bottle waved his bottle menacingly.
Gludalf, who was thumbing though the script, asked, "You can run fast, right Frito?"
"Yep! Placed first in all of the sprints in school!"
"And you kept up your chip-fu, yes?"
In answer, Frito whipped a stack of chips, then, with a few deft movements spelled out his full name on the wall above the fireplace, which was solid stone, with some triangular corn chips.
"NEVER figured out how you manage to embed corn chips ins STONE..." muttered Bottles, grabbing the crowbar next to the fireplace, and prying the chips out.
"Easy- a hurricane can put wheat stalks through trees, right?" Frito responded smugly.
"Righhhhht?" Bottles raised an eyebrow, as he tossed the last chip into an already half full trash bin.
"There you go," Frito leaned back as if the matter was settled.
"Unless you are trying to say that you have the ability to throw corn chips at hurricane speeds, that explains... absolutely nothing," observed Gludalf.
"Well, the plot demands that I have that power, so there." Frito crossed his arms, put out. "now why did you ask?"
"According to the script for this book, you'll be doing a lot more running and fighting than hiding." answered Gludalf.
"Wait, what? We're in chapter 1, and you already have the entire plot? Can I see?" Frito sprang out of his chair.
"No, you have to go through it." answered Gludalf as he smugly handed the screenplay to Bottles.
"HE gets to read it, but I don't?" was Frito's predictably angry response."Also, doesn't that mean YOU have to go through it too?"
"He's only in like two chapters," shrugged Gludalf. "Yes, I have to go through it as well, but being one of the most powerful wizards means I also have the power to read the script."
"You control GLUE. Come on, that's not that good. Besides, it looks like its the power to read. Even I have that," fumed Frito.
Bottle interjected, "Better bring a plastic knife, Gludalf," as he winced over something in a later chapter.
Gludalf actually looked surprised. "Huh, I must have missed that. Oh, well, I'll know when it happens." He disappeared into the pantry, and returned a moment later, trying and failing to hide the fact that he had just palmed some of Bottle's plastic knives for the less favored guests. Neither Bottle nor Frito commented, though Bottle had apparently finished the script and it was nowhere to be seen.
Bottle stood up and clapped his hands. "Well, time to talk about those party modification! See you at the party, dear nephew!" He strode out the door, followed by Gludalf.
"Only by marriage," muttered Frito, but he only said so after they were out of earshot.
