Hearing the blood rush around your body in your head was something that was ever so unsettling, it was a thing of focus, a thing used to forget and more importantly it showed the signs of one's ability to struggle. Jac's eyes shot open in yet another endless night of nightmares and bad dreams, the twisted ones, the ones that were disturbing to the point where she closed her eyes all she could see was Clayton's face staring back at her. It was an impossible task to complete, on good days she would have around six hours sleep and on bad around three hours. There wasn't a pattern yet another thing that brought her to the realisation that Clayton was taking over her life without even being in it. She was on tenterhooks all the time, she was unable to do simple tasks without remembering all the things he did to her. Clayton was a damaged person, she expressed this to Kian and he indignantly snorted at her idea of trying to defend the person who did this to her. Every night she questioned Kian and his ability to be so uncaring and sympathetic towards the person she once loved but the more she thought about it, especially when standing in front of the full-length mirror in Kian's fancy pants bathroom and the now yellowing bruises littering her body, she realised that he was probably right and yet again she was the problem once more.
"Jac?"
There were two taps at the door and even that was enough to frighten the life out of her, well more like frighten her entire body out of the trance it was in.
"What?" she snaps and Kian raises his eyebrows before sighing knowing things were very much getting to her, maybe they even finally got to her
"What do you want for breakfast? I don't want to make anything that will make you-"
"Make whatever Kian"
He sighed, he knew this was coming. Every morning it was like this, he offers to make things, she just pushes it away and he questioned whether she was using it as some self-torture method. Simply, she needed to eat because of the baby there was no doubt about it but with Jac being as stubborn as Jac could be there was no helping her.
"Here" he places the bowl of muesli down on the table, she scrunches her nose up at it, "You said make whatever-"
"Thanks" she mumbles picking up the spoon and twirled it around the clusters of muesli in the bowl "What are you doing today?"
"Working, as usual," he says putting some toast in the toaster, she eyes him up and then sighs "Are you coming in-"
"Yes"
It was a reply like that which unsettled Kian's thoughts. Jac was ever so clingy and ever so snappy at the same time, the normal person would put it down to hormones but he knew it wasn't that. Another way or trauma speaking is what that was and that was something that made him feel uncomfortable. Kian himself didn't know why he kept asking the same questions but he did, maybe he wanted a sense of normality for her but he knew that wasn't it; he was treading on eggshells.
The drive to work was yet again done in silence with Kian pulling his car up into the designated staff parking that was at the hospital. Jac climbed out of the car and Kian smiled at her, she flashed him a quick smile back before heading up to Darwin to hide away for eternity. People were starting to question everything, Chloe asking why Jac was there, Fletch bothering them both by cracking his jokes and that was the last thing Jac needed, Kian knew that but he let it happen, he let Jac snap at Fletch because it gave a sense of normality, the normality they no longer had. It got to midday and Jac was bored, this usually happened so Kian called for Sacha to take her to Keller because if he was honest he needed to do his job without her there, she was a distraction and not a good one no matter how much he wanted to help her.
"Here" Sacha places a cup of tea down on the coffee table and Jac scrunches her nose up at it, "Kian said you didn't have much of an appetite-"
"It's pregnancy stuff"
"He also said you haven't been sleeping-"
"Also pregnancy stuff"
It was all this cutting in that made Sacha uneasy, Jac obviously felt threatened and Sacha could tell if he continued to push her then she would run off again and the last thing they needed was another disappearing act from her with her being so heavily pregnant and susceptible to pain.
"I have your favourite biscuits"
"You're even more annoying than Madani" she rolls her eyes going to stand up, Sacha's point proven as she hisses in pain and grips onto the arm of the sofa so Sacha gently guides her back onto it "Thanks"
"Is it getting worse?"
"It's going to get worse before it gets better" she shrugs and Sacha nods slowly sitting beside her "How are you?"
"Good yeah, busy here" he nods and Jac smiles at him "I was thinking do you want to help me out?"
"With what?" she looks at him, it heightened her interest and Sacha smirked passing her some scans, she raises her eyebrows and looks at him once more "Kian never lets me anywhere near his scans"
"Let's see what you know" Sacha smirks and Jac scoffs in response before sighing and shaking her head, somehow all of a sudden the challenge seemed pointless, as if she didn't deserve it so she places the iPad back down on the coffee table "How did it go with Lucky-"
"Please" she whines not wanting the third degree, Sacha takes her hand and she flinches so he retracts it "Kian asks me that all the time when I'm with him, I never let on"
"So she helped?"
"No, I refused especially when she was mixing with the likes of him" she scrunches her nose up and Sacha nods slowly "I dont want her anywhere near me, I dont want anyone anywhere near me. Right now I just want to find myself again but I can't do that because I'm lumbered with carrying Kian's baby and in pain all the time because of it, it's not fair Sacha, none of this is fair!"
Was this the breakthrough that they were looking for?
Sacha tried to not look too taken aback by Jac admitting her inner thoughts to him but he was shocked. It really was the same mantra she spread to every one of 'without surgery what else do I have' but this time she really didn't have anything else. She didn't have surgery. She also didn't have Emma. That must have been so hard for her and because the baby wasn't physically here yet she couldn't have a purpose with looking after it and for someone like Jac that was probably very hard and uncomfortable to come to terms with.
"Look, I'm needed on AAU," he says cautiously pretending to check his phone and Jac narrows her eyes "I'll walk you back up to Darwin ok?"
"Thanks," she says quietly before lapsing into her thoughts again, on the way there they bumped into Lucky and she offered a small smile to Jac who weirdly returned it; baby steps, Sacha thought
"One Jac Naylor for you Kian" Sacha smiles opening the door and Kian brings her in for a gentle hug which she accepts before sitting down on the sofa "Right we'll speak later"
"Bye" Jac mumbles propping her feet up and Kian picks them up before placing them on his lap "Before you start-"
"I'm not going to say anything" Kian promises and Jac narrows her eyes "Promise"
"Hmm well get on and work then" she raises her eyebrows and Kian chuckles removing her feet and then heading over to his desk "And if you need any help-"
"I know where you are, although I don't think I will do" he smirks and Jac just rolls her eyes at his arrogance before returning to gaze into the abyss of the consultant's office...
The working day came to an end and that meant Kian was all Jac's again. It was a weird concept to have someone who previously despised him now wanting to protect her from the possibility of her abusive ex from popping up at any time. Deciding to go shopping as Jac ordered him to get more stuff for the house, he locked the car to make sure she was safe and then went into the shops returning armed with a few bags of groceries and a chocolate milkshake as a peace offering because he thought he was being off with Jac so in a way it was an apology but she didn't notice his attitude anyway, probably too engrossed in her own thoughts to even care. They went home and by the time they got on, had food, cleared up, it was nearing nine at night and that's when the doorbell went causing Jac to practically jump out of her skin. Kian answered the door and a shocked expression was on his face at Sacha holding a slumbering Emma in his arms. He briefly explained the situation to Kian and he smiled at the fact that, from Sacha's explanation, Johnny travelled on the train down to Holby to give Jac a chance to see Emma. He didn't know how Jac would take to Sacha telling Johnny about everything that Clayton did but he was sure she wouldn't care as long as she saw Emma it would make her feel better.
"Jac" Kian smiles and she looks up at him from where she was biting her nails in a brief moment of anxiety from where she heard that doorbell "Sacha has someone to show you"
"Hm?" her head darts around to the doorframe and she gasps immediately "Oh my god"
"Don't ask how" Sacha warns her and Jac just ignores him, her eyes entirely focussed on Emma as Sacha places her gently on Jac's lap and she grips onto her daughter "Just enjoy this moment"
"Hey" Jac whispers stroking her daughter's hair, suddenly her heart felt warm instead of cold, that made the difference and it made her feel a lot more human
Somehow things could be different as well as be the same, that was worth it. Kian and Sacha knew that this was worth it. They just hoped that Jac would feel the same after...
