Okay so...I know it's been forever since I posted anything, and I can't tell you how sorry I am. Life has been...complicated to say the least. I've struggled a lot in the last couple years with anxiety and stress. I tried switching jobs in a bid to alleviate that, and in the end, had to accept that it was just going to be a part of my existence. It's been difficult to come to grips with my new reality, especially because that anxiety has made it so much easier to doubt myself than believe in myself. I've lost so much over the last few years, but one of the most difficult things to deal with has been losing my confidence in myself and in my writing.
I say all that to say this. Please don't give up on me. I haven't stopped fighting this, and I never will. I will find my way back to the writer I was before. Just please be patient with me as I face my demons. And please accept this small, possibly mediocre story as my apology.
Keep looking for me...because I will be back.
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MidLu: Halloween (Part 2)
It was a little over an hour until the Fairy Tail Halloween part, and here Midnight stood, staring into his reflection in the mirror, breath stalling in his chest. He didn't recognize himself, and wasn't quite sure he was ready to. He couldn't remember the last time he'd walked into the outside world like this. Surely he must have been a child.
He swallowed hard, eyeing the liner-free eyes, the flesh-colored lips, and the perfectly tamed hair. Was he really going to do this? Was he capable of going through with it?
What if he walked into the guild, and no one recognized him? What if they did? What if they knew immediately who he was and why he was doing this?
Head shaking, he stepped back and dropped heavily onto his bed. This was a mistake. He wasn't this person. He'd seen too much, done too much to ever be this man he was pretending to be.
Bitterness welled up in a fiery tide inside him, and he found himself blinking back tears. He wanted to curse Brain, would like nothing better than to go back in time and kill the man all over again. It would be easy to blame the bastard for the decisions he'd made, for the evil he'd done on his behalf, but Midnight knew he had to own some of that himself.
Brain certainly had been responsible for setting him on this path, but Midnight had not been a child in a long time. He'd understood the consequences of the choices he'd made, and he'd made them anyway. He could blame no one but himself for the things he'd perpetrated as an adult.
And maybe that was why this was so difficult for him. Knowing he'd had the chance to avoid becoming this...this pathetic creature was killing him. The regret he felt was overwhelming. There was no escaping it, and seeing himself this way, without all the things he used to shield himself, it was even more obvious.
He felt so exposed, too exposed. He wasn't sure he could do it. And that made him feel ridiculous. This was Halloween, a holiday most people apparently found enjoyable, and here he was, agonizing over the decision to participate.
He should just stay home, forget the whole thing. No one would care if he didn't show for the festivities tonight. Likely, they wouldn't even notice his absence.
Only that wasn't exactly true. Lucy would notice, and she'd be disappointed.
He could sit here and tell himself all the reasons why it was no big deal. It was just Halloween, just a silly party. They hadn't set any definite plans for the night. They'd only discussed costumes and whether he'd be dressing up.
They were all valid excuses, and with anyone else, that might make a difference. But he was finding that when it came to Lucy, none of that mattered. No matter the reason, he wasn't sure he could handle letting her down.
Blowing out a shaky breath, he stood to his feet. He was going to have to get over his hangups about the whole thing. It was too late to change his mind, too late to go as anything other than what he'd originally planned. He'd just have to suck it up and pretend his heart wasn't beating out of his chest.
He could do this. He could.
Shit, he felt like he was going to vomit. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath - in through his nose and out through his mouth. Over and over again, he pulled the air in and slowly let it back out, hoping it might quell the anxiety rising up inside of him.
He'd used the technique before to varying degrees of success, but tonight, it just wasn't working. He'd waited too long or maybe he wasn't focusing hard enough. Who the hell knew?
All he knew right then was that his chest was getting tight, and he was sure any moment, his heart was going to pound its way right through his rib cage. Yeah, he was definitely going to be sick.
Why was he doing this again?
As if answering his internal question, his mind flashed back to earlier, and there it was. Lucy's smile. And it was suddenly so apparent why this had been so important to him. She'd said he could be anything for Halloween, his childhood dream. She hadn't known when she said that, that the only thing he ever wanted was to be someone else.
And now, here he was, standing in his bedroom stripped of all the things he'd used to protect himself through the years. He wondered if she would understand the significance of that. Would she see what he was trying to show her, see past the change in his appearance and truly comprehend?
In a way, he found himself desperately hoping she would. A part of him wanted her to know the man he would have liked to have been, a man who'd never hurt her, a man who'd never hurt anyone. If anyone could look beyond the surface and see the intention behind his transformation, it would be Lucy.
Still, maybe that wasn't the best thing. He'd come to realize that Lucy was inherently curious, and if she figured out what he was doing, she'd ask questions - questions he wasn't sure he could answer.
"This is ridiculous," he muttered, forcing his eyes away from his reflection and turning toward the door.
There was no point debating the issue any longer. He was going. To do anything else would mean failing Lucy, and he'd already established that wasn't an option. So the only thing left to do was walk out the door and head to the guild.
It wouldn't change a thing to continue worrying about Lucy asking questions. There was no way to avoid it now. He was doing this, and if she wanted him to explain, well then, he'd just have to figure something out.
She deserved at least that much.
Shaking his head, he pushed his door open and acknowledged the truth. No, she deserved much more than that.
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He made it to the guild without much fanfare. For the first time in his life, he'd walked down the street and had absolutely no one blink twice at him. He wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. While he enjoyed the break from people pointing and whispering about him, he couldn't help wondering what that said about him.
Did that make him shallow? Though he'd always wanted a place to belong, he'd convinced himself over the years that being accepted hadn't really mattered to him. He'd turned arrogant and hateful, looking down on anyone he felt looked down on him. He'd called them pathetic, said they were beneath him. But he was beginning to suspect he had only done that to avoid the sting of their rejection.
Pushing the errant thought away, he stepped up to the guild doors and paused. He nodded his head firmly, then placed his hand on the door and propelled himself inside. He was instantly assaulted with a blast of music and the sound of what had to be dozens of shouted conversations happening across the guild. It had been months since he'd arrived here, and still, this guild's over-the-top approach to a party was a shock to his system.
He stood there blinking, giving his ears a chance to acclimate to the new atmosphere, when he noticed the group closest to him glancing in his direction.
"Hey, who is that?"
"Holy shit, is that Midnight?"
He shifted uncomfortably at their attention, wishing suddenly he'd come through the back. He might have been able to sneak in under the radar. Then again, that was probably just wishful thinking. Considering just how different he looked tonight, it was bound to cause a stir. He only hoped they wouldn't pick tonight to start getting curious about him.
Tossing the group of men a nod, he moved into the throng of dancing Fairies, catching several more eyes on his way to the bar. By the time he'd made it halfway, he'd gotten so many stunned looks, that he had stopped meeting their eyes.
So it was a shock when someone reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him to a stop.
"Midnight? Oh my God... Midnight!"
He swallowed at the sudden urge to flee. Hearing her voice had him wishing he'd done something different. Hell, anything would have been better than this. Trying to prepare himself for Lucy's reaction, he turned and instantly froze.
She stood there in the middle of that dance floor next to Levy and beamed up at him, but he couldn't find the words to respond. She'd stolen his ability to think, to speak, to move. He was left gaping at her with the certainty that he was entirely out of his depth.
"Midnight?" She frowned, stepping closer and sending his pulse racing. "Are you alright?"
He nodded robotically, silently demanding his mouth to start forming words so she wouldn't think he'd lost his damn mind. "Y-Yeah. I...uh...I'm good."
It was a total lie. He was anything but good. He was completely wrecked by the dark angel costume she was wearing. He'd spent so much time going back and forth about his own transformation tonight, he hadn't given a single thought to hers, which apparently had been the worst kind of idea. Because she had stripped him of all intelligent thought with her smoky eyes and the tight, low-cut bodice of her filmy black dress.
She tipped her head, and he found himself following the motion with his own head, eyes firmly attached to the black of her lips.
"You sure?" she asked, reaching up to palm his forehead. "You're not getting sick, are you?"
He closed his eyes at the brief touch, needing a moment to collect himself. He hoped it had been quick enough not to be noticed.
Unfortunately, he wasn't so lucky. He flushed as a giggle sounded to his left, and he turned to see Levy shaking her head. "I think it might be your costume, Lu-chan."
His eyes widened, and he stammered a quick apology. "Sorry, I...I didn't mean to…"
Lucy laughed lightly, her cheeks going pink. "It's okay!"
"I'll just give you two a minute," Levy hummed, a knowing smile stretching across her face as she turned to leave.
Midnight was sure his face must be on fire, and without his usual getup, there was absolutely no way to distract from it. His gaze dropped to the floor, and he folded his arms across his chest. Gods only knew what she must think of him now.
"I wasn't sure you would come," she said, reaching out to gently touch his arm, "but I'm really glad you did."
His head whipped up at that. "You are?"
"Of course!" She grinned up at him with a twinkle in her eye. "And you look amazing!"
The reflector mage felt his temperature go up again. What was he supposed to say to that? "Uh...thanks?"
Lucy giggled. "Come on, let's go find a place to sit, and you can tell me all about it."
The smile he'd felt climbing his face dropped instantly. Tell her all about it? This was exactly what he was hoping to avoid. How was he supposed to explain this, especially after he'd all but drooled over her costume?
Still, he couldn't avoid following as she led him out of the mass of dancers, her hand wrapped securely around his wrist. He looked down at her dainty fingers on his skin and felt the inexplicable urge to slip them between his own. And wasn't that strange. He'd never felt the desire to hold someone else's hand before, but now that he'd imagined it, he couldn't seem to stop.
And that was just insane. However Lucy might feel about him, there was no way she would ever be interested in holding his hand.
Shoving the ridiculous notion aside, he forced his eyes back up, only to frown as Lucy led him out the back door and onto the dimly lit patio.
"Why-"
The blonde stopped just beside one of the lounge chairs and tugged him down beside her shifting at the last moment to accommodate her feathery wings. "I thought you might be feeling a little overwhelmed. Figured the quiet might help."
Warmth filled his chest at her words. How did she know him so well already?
His head dipped as he drew in a deep breath. "It does." It also helped to have her so close, but he wasn't going to tell her that.
"Good...that's good."
Silence filled the space between them for a solid minute, and he found himself wishing he could find the words to say. He wanted to be the kind of man that knew how to talk to a woman, how to make a connection, but he was so lost.
Thankfully, Lucy seemed to understand his dilemma because she shifted beside him and asked quietly, "So, do you wanna tell me about your costume?"
He hummed, distracted by her leg resting against his. The moment the words sank in, however; his head whipped up, and his eyes collided with hers. There was a knowing look in her eye, one he couldn't escape, but one he also didn't know how to address.
He turned his head, breaking their connection. He just didn't know how to put into words all the things running through his mind.
"Midnight, you can talk to me," she whispered, her hand once again finding its way to his arm.
He couldn't resist looking down at her warm touch just like he couldn't resist looking back up at her beautiful face. There was a softness there that he was sure had never been directed at him before, but what it meant, he had no idea. No one had ever cared enough to show him anything as kind as tenderness.
The blonde beside him lifted her hand, fingertips sweeping lightly along his right eyebrow. "I'm not used to seeing you without your eyeliner…" Her eyes dropped to his mouth. Her finger followed, brushing just below his bottom lip. "Or your lipstick."
He held his breath, unable to tear his gaze from her face. He hoped she wasn't expecting him to speak, because at this point, he was positive that no words existed inside him. There was only Lucy and the incredible sensation of her touch.
Her singular focus on him was almost overwhelming. He'd never have believed such a thing was possible, never could have pictured Lucy of all people willingly being so close to him. Maybe he was dreaming.
Midnight watched as her lip quirked, and her eyes drifted up to the top of his head. Her hand left his face, and he had a moment to miss her touch before she moved upward. She paused briefly before making contact, and he had to close his eyes as she swept the hair back behind his ear.
"I like this. I wouldn't have pictured you with a ponytail before, but it really suits you," she finally said.
He felt it the moment her hand dropped back into her lap, and he opened his eyes just in time to see her make a full circuit of his outfit before coming back to his face.
Lucy considered him before humming, "I've never seen you in clothes like this. It's not your usual style."
The words were out before he could contemplate the wisdom of saying them. "You don't like it?"
She shifted beside him, her head angling as if she was studying him. "I don't dislike it. It's just not you."
"It could have been," he whispered, dropping his eyes again.
She didn't understand. Or maybe she just didn't like this version of him.
The thought brought that tightness back to his chest. This 'person' he was trying to be tonight was supposed to be the man he'd have been without Brain's interference, a man that might have been worthy of Lucy's attention. But if even this wouldn't have been good enough, what chance did Midnight have of ever mattering to her in any real way?
Saddened by the realization that he would likely spend the rest of his life alone, he nodded, swiping a hand down his face. He moved to stand, thinking it was probably best to head home. He'd done what he came there to do. The fact that it hadn't turned out the way he wanted didn't change a thing.
Before he could make the transition, Lucy grabbed for him again. "Wait," she said, pulling him back onto the seat beside her. "Midnight wait. What did you mean, it could have been?"
"It doesn't matter. It was stupid anyway."
"Don't say that. Talk to me; explain it to me."
The reflector mage glanced back over to her, then away. "You said I could be anyone tonight, my childhood dream, but I never…" He shook his head. "The only thing I wanted to be was the man I would have been if I hadn't…" he trailed off, unable to say the words out loud.
"Oh Midnight," she sighed softly. She scooted closer, curling her fingers over the top of his forearm. "I'm so sorry."
Her apology cut into him like a knife. Even she didn't believe he could be this man. He'd doubted it himself, but if she had believed him capable, he'd have believed her too. Now though, he could see how foolish that was.
"I told you it was stupid." He stood abruptly, brushing her hand off his arm.
She flew up from the seat and pulled him back, cancelling his escape. "It's not stupid! But Midnight, you can't get stuck in the past. None of us can go back and change what has already happened-"
He broke her hold with a wave of his arm, bitterness piercing his heart. "Don't you think I know that? I've wished for nothing but that, but life doesn't work that way! I don't get a redo just because I destroyed any chance I had of ever having a life!"
The weight settled heavy in his chest, his constant companion. He felt guilty for so many things, and that guilt was never going away. It was his just deserts. He'd racked up a million wicked tallies that still awaited payment, and his remorse could never cover it.
Lucy was in front of him before he could make any headway to the back door of the guild, and he was pained to see tears in her eyes. He hadn't meant to take it out on her. It wasn't her fault he was destined for a life of loneliness. "Lucy...I'm sorry. I-"
She cut him off, "You really believe that? You really believe you can't have a good life because of your past?" She shook her head sadly. "Have you learned nothing from us, Midnight? Take a look around here. You think you're the only one with a past? I promise you, you're not. We've all done things we aren't proud of. We've all made choices we wish we hadn't, and we can't change that! No matter how much we'd like to. No matter how much it hurts. There's no going back to make the right choice."
"I know that! I-"
"No! You need to listen to me," she demanded, lifting her hands to cup his cheeks. "You can't change what's in the past, but you can learn from it." Tears poured from her eyes as she held his face. "You can't spend the rest of your life trying to make up for what you did wrong. You have to accept that it happened, and then you have to let it go."
Midnight's lips trembled at her words. "How can I do that? The things I've done…"
"The things you've done don't matter anymore. They're in the past."
Pulling back, he shook his head. "You can't be serious. Of course they matter! I've killed people, for no other reason than that Brain told me too. And what about you? What about what I did to you? You're going to tell me that doesn't matter?"
Lucy sobbed, "It doesn't matter to me!"
He watched as her mascara streaked down her face, and he felt like he'd been kicked. He'd done this, hurt her again. He felt sick to his stomach. "Well, it should." He swallowed against the urge to cry and turned to go. This was perhaps the stupidest decision he'd ever made in his life.
Suddenly, Lucy shouted from behind him, startling him. "Don't walk away from me!"
Spinning, he found her bearing down on him, her eyes flashing dangerously. "Lucy…"
"No, you don't get to decide our future all by yourself!"
He didn't even have a chance to speculate about what she meant by that because she was coming at him again.
"You think you can just wallow in your misery, and it will make everything right? Hurting yourself won't erase your mistakes, Midnight! You have to face the fact that those mistakes will be with you for the rest of your life, but it doesn't mean you have to live the rest of your life in agony! Don't throw everything away in some misguided attempt at recompense!"
Midnight couldn't believe she was arguing with him about this, that she was advocating him moving on like none of it had ever happened. If anyone should want him paying for his sins, it should be her, but she was acting like it was no big deal. But it was a big deal. He hurt her, and he'd never forget that. How could he?
"I can't just forget what I've done, Lucy-"
Lucy stepped right into his body and grabbed hold of his shirt, looking up at him with tear soaked eyes. "I'm not asking you to forget. I'm asking you to quit punishing yourself. I can't…"
She dropped her head to his chest, and Midnight lifted his arms, aching to wrap them around her. A moment later, he dropped them back to his side. What right did he have to hold her, to comfort her? He didn't deserve her any more than he deserved a place in Heaven.
His response, or lack of one, sent Lucy into another crying fit. He watched helplessly as her shoulders began to shake. What he'd give right now to be another man, any other man that might have a hope of being what she deserved.
Lucy lifted her head, looking up at him tearfully. "Everyone is changed by the things they've experienced. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. I'm not who I would have been if I hadn't run away from home or gotten kidnapped by Phantom Lord. If you hadn't taken me back then, I wouldn't be who I am right now. Would you want me to be different than I am now?"
"No, of course not! But-"
"Then why can't you see yourself the same way? Why can't this you be good enough?" she demanded, shoving lightly against his chest.
Midnight didn't know how she couldn't see the difference. She was good, and the things she was talking about had happened to her. She'd done nothing wrong. That was not the case with him. He'd been the one causing pain, not receiving it. "It's not the same thing, Lucy, and you know it."
"You're not the same person you were back then, Midnight! Why can't you see that? Why can't you see that the person you are now deserves to be happy too?" She sniffled pitifully and tugged at his shirt again. "Please...don't push me away."
Push her away? The only thing he'd ever wanted to do was pull her closer, but the past was a dark presence between them. He didn't know how to bridge that distance, wasn't even sure he should try.
Lucy drew in a sharp breath when he didn't answer, her eyes instantly welling with tears again, and he knew he couldn't let her think he didn't care. Not giving himself a chance to doubt the choice, he lifted his arms and gathered her close to his chest. It felt so good to have her there, but it only took a moment for the guilt to come sweeping back in.
Midnight looked down at the woman pressed up against him and wished for the hundredth time for a life that included her. No one could possibly deserve it less, but he wanted it more than he'd ever wanted anything else. But how could he ever put his past aside and take something for himself?
Lucy took a deep, shuddering breath, then pushed back out of his arms. She looked up at him with pain-filled eyes and shook her head. "You said you don't get a second chance to be happy, but you're wrong. You have that second chance right now, and you're throwing it away. You can keep living like this if that's what you really want...or you can take this chance and live." She paused, eyes glistening, then asked, "What's it going to be?"
She stood perfectly still as she waited for his answer. He found himself thinking about what she'd said, really thinking about it, and he imagined what his life might look like if he did as she suggested. He cared about her, more than he'd cared for anyone or anything else before. He wanted her in his life, right there in the center of his life, and if he was understanding her correctly, she was offering just that.
Maybe it made him selfish, but he wanted it so bad he could taste it. And he was so tired of being alone, of watching life pass him by. If his options were to live out the rest of his life with Lucy or without her, he'd choose with her every time.
Steeling his nerves, he stepped forward and reached a hand around the back of her neck, pulling her forward. As her body made contact with his, he dipped his head down, pausing for the barest of moments to scan her eyes, and then his lips were meeting hers. Eyes spilling over with tears, she sank into his embrace and gave herself over to his kiss.
Here was his past, his present, and his future all wrapped up together. He'd never have imagined he might have this life or such an incredible woman who saw more in him than he'd ever seen in himself. For whatever reason, she believed in him.
Maybe one day, he'd look at himself and see what she could see. Maybe one day, he'd feel worthy of her, but for now, this was enough. She was enough.
He was going to have to accept that he would never be Macbeth again. Too much had happened to ever go back, just like Lucy said. But if she thought Midnight was good enough, then maybe he could too. So from now on, he wouldn't wish to be someone else. He was just going to be Midnight, and he was going to live.
