Letter to you
Disclaimer: They`re not mine. Not making any profit with them. Just having fun.
Note: I tried to write down what was going on inside of Carol from the end of season 9 until now. What her motives were. Just think of this as a letter to Ezekiel.
I know it doesn`t look that way, but everything I did after our son died, I did for you. Maybe you feel that I let you down, that I abandoned you. Maybe that is even the truth. But I never wanted to hurt you. All I ever wanted was to protect you. To keep you safe from more pain. To keep you safe from me. My anger. My hatred. My need for revenge. You deserved better than me. I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I know that I was wrong. I made everything worse. But I haven`t given up on you. On us.
I want you to know that I was happy. Up until that last day I was so incredibly happy to be your wife. I never regretted my decision to give us a chance. Falling in love with you, marrying you was the best I ever did in my life. You showed me a world beyond pain and fear. You gave me love and happiness and I embraced it with all my heart. I loved you like I never did before in my life. Like I never thought possible. I still do.
But that day – that day when I left you and Henry behind at the Kingdom – I lost myself. Out there on that field I shattered into a million pieces, and I haven`t been the same ever since. A part of me stayed out there, vanished into nothingness. Not the part that loved you. But the part that believed in happiness, in hope. The part that believed I deserved your love. What came back of me was an empty shell.
I tried to be strong. For you. For the Kingdom. I saw you struggle to keep it together to keep all of us safe. I saw you fighting for a future, for us. I saw your tears and your pain. I saw it, but I couldn`t help you. My own pain and grief paralyzed me. I felt so guilty. And ashamed. I still do. I know I was responsible. I hated myself. And her. For taking away everything that I loved. For ruining my life. Our life. Our happiness. That hatred – somehow it kept growing inside of me with every passing day.
I know I should have tried to fight it. But I couldn`t. A part of me welcomed the hatred because it kept me alive. I keep thinking that maybe if we hadn`t lost the Kingdom – maybe I could have won this fight. With your patience and love. I know that you still believed in us. That you wanted to fight. But when we had to close those gates another part of me vanished. And the hatred kept growing. With every step of our way it got stronger and by the time we reached Hilltop I knew that I had to go.
I had to leave you to protect you from the darkness inside of me. I felt I wasn`t worthy of you anymore. I convinced myself that it was better for you. And yes, also for me. I thought that if I wouldn`t see you anymore then I wouldn`t have to think about Henry all the time. About everything that I lost. I couldn`t have been more wrong. Being away from you didn`t make anything better. It just made everything worse. But it was impossible to come back. At least that`s what I thought. At that time, I thought that I had lost your love and your trust and that I deserved it.
And so I ran even further. I tried to run away as far from all the pain as I could. I couldn`t even stand being in Alexandria anymore. I wanted to stop feeling, to stop thinking. I worked myself to total exhaustion every day on that boat. I was a shadow of myself, not living anymore, just existing.
I remember the day when I came back. You were there to greet me. I could see the relief in your eyes, the hope. And although it touched something deep inside of me that you still cared, it also scared me. I wasn`t ready. I still denied myself to feel anything but pain. And I still wanted to protect you. You had moved forward. Or so it seemed to me, and I was glad for it. I didn`t want to pull you back into my darkness. I wanted you to be happy again. That`s why I pushed you away.
It hurt so much. And it hurt to be back. All I wanted was to be back on the boat and disappear. But then she was there again – and I completely lost it. The hatred came back full force. I couldn`t think straight anymore. All I knew was that she had to die. At all costs. I didn`t care about the people around me anymore. I lied. I put them at risk. It didn`t matter to me because I was angry at them, too. Because they refused to let me go again. I know they tried to help me, but they didn`t.
They don`t know me like you do. Nobody does. Even in your deepest despair you were brave enough to let me go. Because you knew me.
I wanted revenge. For Henry, and for you. I was willing to sacrifice myself for it. I knew it would hurt you if I died – but I also knew you would understand it and I hoped that ultimately it would set you free. If she was gone – and me – you could leave the past behind and really move on. That`s what I kept telling myself.
I said I didn`t care about the people around me anymore. It`s true. But I never wanted anyone to get hurt or killed. No one except myself. That day at the caves I crossed a line I never thought I would. And I had to pay the consequences for it. I felt so utterly alone like never before. I wanted to give up. I wanted it all to be over.
And then you were there. After everything I did to you – and to others – you were there for me. You showed me that you still cared for me. I was so grateful for your presence out there by the river. I don`t know if I`d still be here if you hadn`t come looking for me. Later, when I came to your room, I just wanted to say 'thank you' and apologize for everything. And I just wanted to spend some time with you – you know, just in case we wouldn`t make it through the night. You were still the most important person to me.
Finding out that you are sick – my heart broke all over again. In that moment, nothing else was important anymore. Not the fight. Not my revenge. Just you. I wanted to tell you so many things – most of all that I still love you. But, you know me, I`ve never been particularly good in talking about my feelings. I`m more a person of action. So I tried to show you. What I felt. How much you still meant to me.
It felt so good to be in your arms again, even if only for a little while. I missed you so much. I miss you now. I hope you know that. I hope you understood what I couldn`t say. I wanted to keep you safe that night. But in all the chaos, somehow I lost track of you. I don`t even remember how I made it out. But in the morning, I was still there. Still alive. Many died. And again, I was responsible.
I was terrified that you didn`t make it. My mind refused to acknowledge the possibility. The thought that you may have died was unbearable to me. I couldn`t bring myself to face it. Going with the other`s to the meeting point would have meant to find out. I just couldn`t do it. I rather wanted to keep the memories of this last time we had together. I told myself that you were okay – and then I forced myself to go.
I knew that many of the other`s hated me. Or at least were very mad at me. I wasn`t welcome any more. And I knew that I deserved it. My presence wouldn`t be good for anyone. So I focused on the only thing that was left for me – my revenge. I pushed everything else aside again. Even you. I went to finish what I started – no matter how.
Finding out that she was dead – I can`t describe my feelings. Relief, yes. But most of all emptiness. And sadness. Henry was still gone. Our family was still destroyed. You – I still couldn`t think about that. I wanted to leave everything behind me. Not care about anything anymore. A part of me wanted to be dead. A part of me thought then we could all be together again – because deep down in my heart I was convinced you weren`t there anymore.
I talked myself into being angry. At my friends for not leaving me alone when I wanted it. For bringing me into situations that I couldn`t handle. For not seeing how much I was hurting. At myself for not being able to protect my family. For making one wrong decision after another. At you – for making me love you. I used this anger to justify me running away again. I tried to make myself believe that everything that happened wasn`t my fault. That I never wanted any of it. I didn`t want to fall in love in this world. I didn`t want to be happy. I didn`t want to have all these feelings.
It`s a lie. I wanted it. I decided for it. From the moment that I met you all my decisions were meant to bring me closer to you. I wanted to share my life with you. I wanted to have a family with you.
I wanted you.
I had reached my absolute low. It almost killed me. But then, lying there in the dirt all alone I realized that giving up would be nothing but selfish. It wasn`t over yet. She was dead but her people were still there. And they would take revenge because of me. More people would die because of me. I felt that at least I had to fight until the end. That even if nobody wanted me around anymore, I owed it to them to fight for their lives. To try. Because this is what you would do. You would try until the very end.
Summoning the last bit of strength I could find inside of me, I went back to Alexandria. I knew that everybody there would know by now what I had done. And that they were in grave danger. Facing their rejection hurt so much. But I`m glad that I went back. Because at least now I knew you survived that night. I was so relieved when I heard it. And sad because you had left. I understand why you did it.
You went to help our people. And while this is probably the main reason, I think there is also something else. I think you tried to run away, too. Because you were disappointed that I didn`t come back. You probably think that I abandoned you all over again. That our lovemaking didn`t mean anything to me. It`s not true. It meant the world to me. You mean the world to me. I`m sorry I didn`t say it when I had the chance. I won`t make that mistake again.
But there`s more, isn`t it? Another reason why you left. You are scared of your sickness. You know that it will kill you. And you don`t want us to see it. Not me. Not Jerry. You`re trying to spare us the horror of watching you die. I`m so incredibly sorry you felt that way. So sorry that I haven`t been there for you when you needed me. It haunts me. I know it`s possible that you aren`t there anymore. That maybe you died somewhere all alone, away from your family. From me. Thinking that I don`t care.
This thought, it was so present in my mind that I didn`t want to live anymore. We had defeated our enemies, I did what I could to help. After it was done, I felt there was no reason for me to live anymore. I was convinced I wouldn`t see you ever again. This thought still scares me. But I got pulled back again. I`m still here.
I fell back into old habits. Working myself to exhaustion, trying to help build Alexandria back up. Trying to ignore the animosities I feel from all sides. But not everyone hates me. Jerry is there for me. I don`t know why I deserve it, but he makes me feel like I am still a part of a family. Our family. He makes me feel like I am not alone. He misses you and he believes that you will come back. His optimism helps me.
I have decided to believe him. To believe in you. That you won`t give up.
I wish I could come looking for you, but it`s impossible. There`s no way of knowing where you are right now. Sure, we know where you were headed, but that doesn`t mean you made it there or that you still are there. That alone wouldn`t stop me from trying, though. But it is such a long way, and we don`t have any horses anymore. Maybe I will find a way. I`ll keep trying.
Until then, I will stay here in Alexandria, hoping for your return. I will take care of our family – Jerry, Nabila and the kids – because this is what you would do. What you would expect of me. Fight till the end. Right now, it is all I can do.
I`m thinking about you all the time. Every passing day makes it harder for me to believe that I will see you again. But I`m not giving up hope. I`ll be strong for you. I promise.
I want to hold you again. I want to kiss you and tell you that I love you. I want to be there for you until the very end.
And I will be. I haven`t given up on us.
I love you with all my heart.
Carol
