Turmoil
"They fled my Lord King." Thranduil was looking at his captain, bewilderment written all over his face. Adrahan was most displeased with himself and his subordinates.
"What do you mean they fled?"
"Eveena dressed as a commoner into the evening. She went through the servant quarters, to the stables and fled. We let our guard down your highness. It will not happen again. They are heading East towards Erebor. We will catch them in no time and bring her back. We are already on her tail." The coldness was back on the King's feature. His eyes icy as ever. If he could have thrown dagger through his eyes, no living soul would have entered the room.
"Prepare my Elk. I will find her myself!"
"Of course, my Lord." Adrahan bowed to him and prepared to exit the room. But before doing so Thranduil stopped him.
"When you say "they", who do you mean exactly by that?"
"Nathaniel." Anything else that should have been said was left in silence. The air was thick. When the king passed by his guards, they all fell in step behind him, in a hasty pace.
XXXXXXX
"Shoot him!" I jumped in front of Nathaniel.
"No! My king please. Do whatever you want to me but do not hurt him! I beg of you!"
"And why would I not kill the elf who took my wife from me and fled into the night like a thief?" His voice was angry, his sneer was emanating coldness in its rawest form.
"Please, he did it out of duty!"
"Out of duty for who? Certainly not me!"
"He is Avari. Please, he did it for me. He did not steal me away, I wished to leave on my own." The king frowned. The more I talked, the more my voice lost its strength. "He was merely meant to serve as a guard, as a guide, and as a friend."
"Bind him and take him to the dungeons, he will be delt with when I return. Adrahan!" The king's guard approached his monarch hastily while the other elves busied themselves with taking the lad on the ground and biding his hands with elven ropes. The king and his captain murmured to each other so no one could hear the exchange.
"Take the guards away with you, I wish to be alone with my wife. And my friend? Was there anything your night guard observed in the last months that could have been interpreted as lovers?" The captain lowered his head solemnly. "Yes, my King, there might. They embraced a lot. But never did they kiss or have been intimate from what was seen. Still…it is not common for two friends to embrace as what was described to me. I fear we were not able to tail her at all times, she was an elusive one."
"Very well. I will see you back at the halls." The company departed, leaving Eveena with her husband and only the King's Elk, as they took the horse Eveena had on her journey. It was not Elonidas. Elonidas would never have left her alone. No, her mare, along with Edoras were taking the prince and princesses on their journey to Lorien.
Thranduil turned towards me.
"You said he was meant to be a friend, what sort of friend?" His tone was accusing me of loose behaviour, that was as clear as day.
"Just a friend, friendly companion for the journey."
"The journey to where?"
"To my people, in the northern plains." He approached me menacingly.
"What sort of friend?" I backed away a few steps.
"Just friend my Lord."
"Do NOT take me for a fool! You met with him on many occasions, you spent afternoons with him, you embraced each other, you exchanged MANY letters! Give me ONE good reason not to kill him when we get back! ONE!" Realisation struck me. My face became long and my eyes wide. He spied on me. During all this time he has been spying on me. Having people follow me around, seeing intimates' moments with my friends, reporting back all my doing to him. So none of this had been private, none of this had been memories only for me. This had all been advertised to the guards, to the King! I put some more distance between us.
"You had me followed." It came out as a fact, no accusation in my tone, only despair. I felt betrayed.
"Of course! You think anyone moves in this kingdom without me knowing. You think my Queen just takes a stroll in the market without being watched? You think my WIFE embrace an Ellon without anyone reporting? It does not matter if you dress yourself like a commoner, it does not matter if you wear a crown or not, it does not matter how you choose to act, you will never deceive me. EVER!" His breath was short, his voice was loud, his hands were in fists. He took a minute to organise his thoughts, he took a minute to breathe his fire out.
"I will ask again Eveena, what sort of friend?" His demeanour was menacing, his gaze was piercing. But this time, his tone was neutral, as if he dared me to lie. I lowered my eyes. I halted my backing steps. Just as he had taken everything from me, he would take my freedom away once again. But I could not allow him to hurt an innocent Ellon. It was my fault, and I was to blame.
"Just a friend, Thranduil. Just a friend. He was my oldest brother's righthand man, before he died in the northern war against the orcs. He is trusted in our family, my father told me to seek him out if I was ever in the need of assistance, my father told me he was now working in Greenwood along with his family, that he had pledge allegiance to you my lord. Although we never met officially before this day, he met me as Elena, a handmaiden to the Queen. I deceived him for selfish reasons. I wanted to be normal, to be free." My explanation calmed him some. He looked at me in a different light. Everything I said was true, but I felt he needed more. He needed more details, more explanations.
"The embraces you exchanged with him?" It was my turn to look at him differently. He was clearly jealous, jealous of intimate moments Nathaniel and I shared. But it is not intimate moments as he would have thought.
"In Avari culture, it is a way of greeting a friend. Where I come from, holding hands, and embracing your friend is normal behaviour. I understand it is not the same for you and that you would never allow an Ellon to touch me, but where I come from it is natural, it is normal. It is who I am. I swear to you, it was never anything other than friendship. Sure, he is a good-looking Ellon, and I am sure he found me to be a good looking Ellyth when he thought I was Elena, but he is already promised to another and they are to bond next spring. Do not take that from him. He was merely doing what his Queen demanded of him for his people in the north." I do not know if he believed me, but there is nothing else that could be said.
"Do not back away." He walked up to me once again and I had to stop myself not to. I had to stop myself not to flinch when his hand came towards my neck, to lift my chin and meet his eyes. He seemed to search inside, to find if I was telling the truth indeed, or if I was trying to deceive him. "And the letters?" I had to gather my thoughts so I would not blurt out something incomprehensible.
"We did exchange letter, but it was letter sent to him by the Queen Eveena, not the Elena he was led to believe I was. He was delivering the letters to merchant in Dale and Erebor who were going up north in the western plains to Avari lands. I would receive missive also through this exchange. Missive from my people to the Queen, their Queen also. You see…not all of them left to Valinor when you offered a passage for them, some lingered behind, for different reasons."
"Why the rush, why leave now?" He let go of my chin but lingered on my cheek. The back of his fingers caressing me ever so slightly.
"My daughters are gone for a year, and there is nothing I could have said that would have swayed your decision the other way. It was a good time for me to go."
"Why not tell me? Why not ask for my blessing and guards to accompany you?" I sighted. A just question indeed. I almost told him what I thought. You would have forbidden it; we both know that. You sent the girls away to keep me prisoner in your keep, so you could control everything I did. But I could not get myself to say it out loud to him. I think, from the look in his eyes, he realised he would have said no as well. At least, I offered forethought.
"I left you a letter. In my chambers. I left you a letter so you would understand. But it does not matter anymore."
"No, it does not. But I would like to read it nonetheless when we get back."
He extended his hand for me to take. Although he did not take mine forcefully, I know he meant it as a command. It was just a hand, but to me it felt like cuffs who would soon be around my wrists. I was dishearten. All this planning for naught. Nathaniel knew his way around the wooden elves, he knew which way to take. I did not leave any trace and neither did he. But, in a manner of minutes we were already being pursued. This had all been hopeless. I still had not made up my mind if I were to take his offering hand or not, but soon my husband will be displeased by my lack of compliance. I found some courage again, if only for his sake.
"Please your Grace, will you spare him?" He crooked his head a little to the right, looking at me strangely, as if my question was of no importance, as if Nathaniel's life was of no concern of his.
"If you comply with my commands, I may." He dropped his hand to his side.
"Which commands?"
"You will not step a foot out of the inner keep again unless you have my given permission to do so." I swallowed. Somehow, my throat was constricted and raw. Was it the running from before? Or maybe it was the nerves. I found myself soon answering, without really thinking about what I was agreeing to.
"I will."
"You will never see him again." I nodded, still being transfixed by his piercing eyes.
"I won't."
"Your chambers will be moved back to the royal appartement in the eastern wing."
"I accept."
"All the letters you wish to send to anyone will be read by me before leaving my kingdom, and all letters and missive addressed to you will share the same fate before being given."
"I understand."
"And finally, you will give me another child." My breath caught in my throat. My eyes wide. I searched to find the meaning behind this. Finally, the girls were getting older. Finally, Legolas was becoming of age. He wanted me with child again! This made little sense.
"Why?"
"I wish to have other children, and I wish for you to bear me a son."
"What if I have another daughter?"
"Then we will have another one."
"I am not a brood mare!"
"You are my wife! That is part of your duty."
"I already gave you two daughters Thranduil, and you already have a son. Please, my pregnancies are not easy, and I do not wish to go through it again."
"This is not your choice."
"Please." I know I was on the verge of crying. I have not begged my husband in many years, yet in the span of a few weeks I feel like it was the only way through him. Perhaps I should have begged for him not to send our daughters away. Knowing him, he would not have swayed. He extended his hand one more time for me to take. I feel like that was the bargain for Nathaniel to walk out of this unharmed. Was It worth it? Yes. Would I regret it? No. Did I feel like I was not getting the good end of this bargaining? Yes. Would he keep to his words? Probably. Could I honor mine if I agreed to this? No. Did I have a choice? No. Did I take his hand? No.
"Only one more child, be it a son or a daughter, it will be our last. If you wish for more, you can forsake me and take another wife."
"Agreed." And this sealed my fate. If I was not a prisoner before, now I felt everything like such. I put my hands in his, hesitantly. I would have thought he would grasp it like an eagle around its prey. But no. He held it gently and guided me to his Elk. Grabbing my waist he lifted me effortlessly. At first, the rode was silent. I almost expected him to rush back to the keep or rejoin the guards heading home. He did not. His elk walked agonizingly slowly. I couldn't bear the pressure of this silence, of what it meant for the both of us, for this life I had just agreed on.
"Why?" My voice came out as a murmur. He did not respond and waited for me to explain myself. "Why did you wait…that long…if you had me followed, why did you wait so long before stopping this?"
The rise and fall of his chest against my back, the steady beating drum of his heart; it was like he was never distressed or surprised, it was like he had lived a thousand lives already.
"I wanted to let you stumble on your own." What does that even mean? He took my silence for compliance with the lesson he was about to give me. "It is a mistake you had to do on your own. Befriending commoner and disguising yourself can only lead to a dead-end. Even if I had forbidden you, you would have waltzed your way around it. You would have found a way to continue meeting with them. I would have had to tie you up." He paused for a moment. The deep vibration in his lungs while he explained himself was soothing. For once, he was not snarling at me.
"I wanted to see how far you would go before this false pretense consumed you. What you were willing to give before coming crawling and begging me for solace from your turmoil's. You ruined everything Eveena. You lost your friend Cassidy with your deceit, you got Nathaniel imprisoned with your rash actions. In all this, you were selfish, only thinking of yourself. You lost my trust and you lead yourself to this solitude."
"You refused to obey me out of spite, I indulged you at first. You became childish, and you became clumsy with your excuses. Adrahan assured me your relationship with Nathaniel was mostly platonic, somehow deep down I wished for it not to be. So I could punish you and lock you up in my chambers once and for all. That would have given me a good enough reason. I would have had the lad executed. But of course, you know all of this don't you?"
Hearing him admitting this, I lost the little composure that was holding me together. I wept. Loudly. My sobs shook my upper body. My tears fell on his hands holding the reins.
"Why are you crying?" it was just a rhetoric, it clearly was not a question he wanted an answer to.
"Nathaniel will walk freely from this, I've already commissioned Cassidy to replenish our halls with her honey and mead for the winter. Ariel and Samara will have a wonderful year in Lorien, away from the sight that you have become. So tell me, wife, why is it you are crying when it has only come to this while it could have been much worse?" His free hand came to my braid resting on my shoulder and undid the knot at the bottom which was keeping it together. Slowly, his finger worked their way through the hair to set them loose. Finally the gates were in sight. He quickened his pace to a trot.
"There will be enough gossip concerning you and Nathaniel tonight, perhaps it is best that few elves see you crying in the arm of you husband. We wouldn't want to fuel that would we?" He dropped the locks around my face, sheltering me from sight. I was a mumbling mess, with puffy eyes and wet cheeks. Perhaps he was right. But I was tired of false pretense. I was miserable and might as well show it. Thranduil did not share the same view. He was all about appearances and false courtesies.
We never made it to the stables, we made it only to the entrance of the palace, through a sidelong forest path that lead straight to the bottom of the large gardens. I replayed the scene of Legolas' birthday, when he greeted Elonidas. It was in those gardens. Jumping off his mount, he didn't car to help me down but simply gathered me in his arms bridal style. In a few long strides, and some gasps form servants, he took us to my chambers. It would seem the life I agreed on in the woods might wait a day. He eased me out of his arms, onto the balcony. I grabbed the rail for dear life, as if the world was about to crash down around me.
"Do you know why I sent them away?" I looked at the ground below and let my knew giveaway. I clutched the poles from the balcony as if it was some sort of prison bar, my forehead resting against their coolness, and simply let the tears fall from my eyes. I did not look at him, I could not. He crouched beside me, put a hand on my shoulder. It felt cold, heavy, and foreign to me. I did not want him to touch me, but it did not matter, he would do as he pleased in the end.
"Eveena look at me." I still did not. He took my chin in his other hand and forced my face to turn towards his. "I'm sending them away because you need time to heal." My face he could see, my tears he could wipe away, but my eyes did not meet his deep blue ones. He scared me in a way, I did not feel in control in his presence. But then again, I was never in control with Thranduil.
"I am not hurt." The hand that was on my shoulder glid towards the back of my neck. It was not a violent grip, but it was a firm one. The hand on my chin caressed a path down to my throat towards the valley between my breasts. It was pressed against my chest, a little to the left. I gasped at the contact. "In here Eveena. You are hurting in here." I found his eyes. His gaze was soft, his features were relaxed. For once, he was not angry or displeased by me. I ran away, on the first night our children were gone, I ran away from him. He had summoned me to dine with him. I had refused. Again. Nathaniel and I tried to evade him in the evening.
This time, he did not resent me for not complying with his order. This time, he would be understanding, he would be tolerant. Resilience took me. I let go of the balcony poles I was grasping with all my might and buried my face in his robes, against his chest. His arms came around me, holding my form against his. This time, he would be gentle and caring.
"Forgive me." His words came as a whisper to my ears. Forgive him. Forgive him for what? For sending the elfling away from me? For being violent, forceful, uncaring? For everything? I did not know; he was so vague. But I was weary of this turmoil inside of me, I was weary of this life and somehow, I was compelled to do as such. Forgiving him. I understood, much later, that it is the closest thing as an apology I would get. He was a proud Ellon.
"I have put you in a difficult position, without proper guidance. Tell me you forgive me Eveena." A difficult position, without proper guidance. He most likely was talking about Legolas. About that slap in his study that day. A difficult position could mean mothering the prince while being his subservient at them same time. But then again, he could mean our marriage altogether. Taking my body as he did, asking me to be his wife while ordering me to serve him and never question his decisions or actions. He could mean taking me from my lands, from my people and making me his Queen at such a young age, Queen of people I knew nothing about, of customs that were foreign to me. Forcing me to learn them the hard way, his hard way. Although Thranduil had been a patient teacher at the beginning of our marriage, he had not been a forgiving one.
"I forgive you." The words were out of my mouth before my head could agree with my heart. Forgiving him for what, I still do not know myself. But the hatchet had to be buried sometimes and now was as good a time as any. Elrond's words from the night of Legolas' birthday a few days prior came to mind.
"He tries to mend what has been broken. I hope with all my heart you will let him."
The memories from that night came pooling around in my soul. I had stayed that night with him, in his bed. He had not allowed me to leave and I had not wanted either.
I was young in the eyes of our people when we wed, and I made many mistakes throughout that time. I am still young, much less wise like him. Perhaps trusting him again would be a good way to start. A year. He was granting me a year to heal my heart, to find solace again in his embrace, to forgive him and to find my rightful place in his family, in his kingdom and in his heart. A year would fly by without me noticing. My daughters and Legolas off to Lorien, I feel I will spend a lot of time with the King. A year it is.
