A/N: Welcome to chapter 3. Thank you all for the kind words and support of the story. It fuels my irresponsible time management 3. This one is less fluffy, and gets into some more difficult topics. I am hanging on by my fingernails trying to keep everyone in character. Constructive criticism is very much appreciated as are any other PMs or Reviews. Thanks again everyone and enjoy.


I only saved twelve

Of the three hundred colonists at Zhu's Hope, only twelve were still alive. Only twelve had any hope of recovery.

Would all twelve make it?

They had at best a marginal chance of cognitive recovery after what the Thorian had done to them.

Shepard's bed compressed silently as he sat on it and rest his forehead in his hands. He breathed deeply,

in-two-three-four out-two-three-four in-two-three-four out-two-three-four

His heart rate slowed but he didn't feel particularly better.

I should have come faster, should have made more of those grenades, If I-

His introspection was interrupted when his door chime went off.

"Shepard...I...Do you have time to talk?" The modulated voice could only belong to one person.

Tali was probably the only person he would not have turned away right now. He felt responsible for her well-being in a way he didn't for his other crewmates. They had all chosen or even fought to come on this mission. Tali though; he had sucked her into this insane journey and if she needed anything from him, he would damn sure make sure she got it.

He straightened himself up and wiped away a few tears that he hadn't realized had fallen.

Taking a deep breath he nodded to nobody and said, "Sure, come in".

The door slid open and there was Tali, wringing her hands. She looked up in surprise, "Oh...I was sure you would...well...okay".

She stepped into the cabin, looking around. Her eyes fixed briefly on the two new ships in the tiny display case sitting on the desk.

"Is everything alright, Tali?" He asked, suddenly feeling like he didn't really know what to do with his body.

He tried leaning against a wall, but that didn't feel right. He tried putting his hands in his pockets, but now his nose was itching. He scratched his nose with his left index finger but couldn't find the comfortable spot in his pocket where it had been resting before. He gave up on being comfortable, and looked at Tali.

"I am okay," she began carefully, "but I am worried about you...after we came back you just didn't seem like yourself".

His heart stopped. She thought the mission shook him - knew it shook him. He was the Normandy's Commander...He was supposed to be unshakable.

He hardened his expression and stood upright, "I'm fine".

She looked a little taken aback and actually stepped backward at the force of his statement. She rallied though and stepped back toward him, gesturing now with one three-fingered hand.

"No...you are not," Tali said firmly, luminous eyes boring into his, "You need to deal with this before it really hurts you".

"There's nothing to deal with!" He knew he sounded defensive and his words were coming louder and more aggressively than he wanted.

"Yes there is! And if you don't let the people who care about you help, it's going to kill you before Kesh'lang Saren ever gets a chance!"

Her index finger was now jabbing at his chest. He looked down at it and back at her. Her shoulders were rising and falling with her now heavy breathing and her eyes were still locked on his.

This was so ridiculously insubordinate. If she was Alliance Navy, he could throw her in the brig for the rest of the trip. She was not Alliance Navy though, she was techinically a Quarian diplomat. She was also Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, one of only about three people in the galaxy who could get away with talking to him like that. She was also right. But he couldn't allow this sort of thing to happen on his ship. Could he actually do anything like that to her? Did he want to? Should he just tell her off and leave it at that? Should he talk to her about everything that was whirling in his mind and taking years off his life? Should he push her out of his room and continue in his self-hatred?

After several moments of tense silence punctuated only by heavy breathing, she spoke gently, "John...please talk to me".

Those words cut through his martial fury like a meteorite through a pre-first contact space station. She really wanted to help and...he was being an ass to her.

"I'm sorry Tali," he began, but his throat closed up and he felt heat pricking behind his eyes.

No no no , not now, not now, not in front of her

He turned and walked to his bed, trying to breathe through it. He sat down and buried his head in his hands once more, knowing he was losing the battle.

A weight settled on the bed beside him and a warm hand rubbed little circles on his back. He felt a surge of warmth followed by a tidal wave of guilt and humiliation. Every little thing about Military life drove him to be the perfect soldier, perfect leader, flawless, faultless, and strong. John Shepard was just a man though. He was just a human who between unforeseen circumstances and unprecedented trust and resources given to him, was expected to overcome an unimaginable enemy.

To the public and his crew he had to be "Commander Shepard, Galactic Savior and Paragon of the Alliance"

But, maybe, to Tali...he could just be John. Maybe he already was.

"You're the only person who calls me by my first name," He said unexpectedly as the tears dried up a few minutes later.

"Should I not?" She asked, clearly a little self-conscious about this new fact.

He held back a little laugh. Tali, who had just told off the most powerful human in the galaxy for being too macho was now nervous over maybe breaking some unspoken human custom.

"No...I don't mind it," He absolutely liked it, and it was probably a big part of the reason he trusted her so implicitly.

"Good, I never feel comfortable using your official title. I'm not in the Alliance and I'm not really even Military, not relative to the Flotilla anyway...even though we are all technically Military I suppose..." She trailed off but found her original train of thought quickly enough, "Among Quarians, we have our first name, our ancestors' name, and our ship name. I am Tali'Zorah, daughter of the Rayya. My father is Rael'Zorah, crew of the Rayya. Nobody would ever call me just 'Zorah nar Rayya'. That would be ridiculous and very impersonal.

"I suppose I call you 'John' for the same reason. You are a person who I care about...I...well, whom I respect and..." She seemed to lose her confidence there and trailed off once more, stiffening.

She cared about him. That shouldn't be surprising, she was generous to a fault and seemed to care deeply about everyone they met, so long as they were organic. Hearing her say it though, like that, struck him to the core. She had mitigated the statement, but it still hung there in the air, like a biotic singularity just waiting to suck him in.

"I care about you too, Tali," He said softly, meeting her eyes uneasily, aware his own eyes were red and shiny with unshed tears.

Her eyes went wide and he could tell she was smiling broadly. She did a little sort of wiggle with her shoulders and hips before squeezing his hand. They had been holding hands? When did that...

"So can we talk about what happened on Feros?"

The little glowing ball of joy which had grown in his chest imploded. Like a sun turning to a black hole, the life-giving light turned into a sucking pit which dragged him back to the dark tunnels around the Thorian and under Zhu's Hope. Those eyeless husks shrieking as they ran toward them, arms outstretched, bodies uncoordinated and broken. The terrified eyes of the partially-aware colonists as he was forced to gun them down, having used his last nerve-agent grenade over an hour previously. The sobbing of those few who were left behind at the colony when they learned what had happened to their comrades.

John had the instinct to lock up again, to tell her everything was fine again and thanks for the visit, but he stopped himself. She had stuck herself out to help him and she deserved at least an honest attempt.

So they talked. They went back and forth over the horrors they had seen and images they were sure would haunt their dreams for years to come. Sometimes he cried, sometimes she did. More than once, they were left sobbing together, arms wrapped around one another as they dragged one another through the horrors of biological war.

"I saw his eyes too," she said, still shaking, "Weihan, the one who gave me that extra dextro nutrient paste". She trailed off into sobbing for another moment before coming back, "He made friends with a pilgrim a few years ago and always had-had some on hand just in case anyone ever needed it".

He rubbed little circles on her back like she had with him.

"You did everything you could for him. Some of his family is still alive because of the filtration system you set up for them," Shepard tried to rationalize, knowing it was weak even as he remembered the look on Weihan's face when used a biotic throw to launch him off a ledge into the Thorian pit.

They were slumped together on his bed, just trying to work through the raw grief together. Tali needed the relief as badly as he did. She would be scared, He thought, being away from home, being trapped, almost assassinated, sucked into a war, faced with existential threats and mind-breaking horrors of creation. What he found though was her anguish came from the suffering she had been unable to help, not her own fear. She continually surprised him, and this was just another thing he found that he respected immensely about her.

The pair went on like this for a while longer. They traded horrible memory for affirmation and guilt for justification and support. He found that embracing her tightly and rubbing circles in the small of her back was the surest way to help her calm down from a particularly anxiety-inducing set of memories. She learned that running a hand through his buzzed-short hair did the same for him.

A little while later, they were asleep. It had been an exhausting 20 hour mission after all. Tali's head lie on John's chest and his arm wrapped protectively around her middle.

At 0500CST (Citadel Standard Time) Tali opened her eyes, feeling more well-rested than she could ever remember being. She felt safe and warm and loved and..

oh Keelah, I am in John's bed!

This is not okay...nooo...not okay. I, well, we were talking and crying and, oh Ancestors...I made him stay up listening to my problems and...

Her hearts were beating uncomfortably fast as she realized she now had to discuss this with him. Maybe she could sneak out...no, he would certainly wake up when she tried to untangle their limbs.

A thought struck her though,

Do I want to leave?

As she considered it, the answer seemed to be no

She was in fact very safe and very warm and, after last night, there was no doubt John cared deeply about her, otherwise why would he deal with her crying.

We were both dealing with a lot, not just me

Maybe it was out of convenience then? Maybe he only opened up to her because nobody else had ever let him?

She had heard stories of soldiers' relationships of convenience, a strong bond that only lasts a few days or the length of a mission. The relationships were often borne out of a shared trauma or something of the sort. Was that what this was? Was this even a relationship?

Tali was sure she would not stop caring for the Commander after the mission was over. Once Saren was gone, she would surely have to go back to the Flotilla, but she wanted to do so while still being close with John. Maybe even visiting? Maybe he could visit the Flotilla.

She let herself indulge in the irresponsible fantasy of showing John around the Rayya, introducing him to her friends and family as..what? Her ex-Commander? No, but she wasn't quite ready to admit to herself what she wanted to introduce him as.

More than that, he is Human, she is Quarian, there is a world of biological difference between them and she could probably never be around him without her suit and...Those thoughts led to dangerous places.

He stirred beneath her and her hearts stopped. She froze, not ready to deal with a conscious John just yet. She quietly prayed to her Ancestors that he would settle once more and fall back asleep.

The arm around her waist tightened and he rolled over, pulling her with him. She squeaked. His right arm was wrapped around her and sort of pinned beneath her now as he lie on his side facing her. If she wanted to get free, she would definitely have to move him bodily. She wondered briefly whether the cool hardness of her helmet and mask were bothersome pressed against his chest like this. She could feel his warmth radiating through her suit. It was almost uncomfortable, the amount of heat his body put out. Were all humans this warm? The little cooling fan at the back of her head whirred to life and she almost laughed as the rush of cool air flowed into her helmet.

The air had a sort of spicy scent to it and it made her nose tingle and head swim. Her eyes shot open again. Were her filters being overwhelmed? This could be dangerous. Quietly as she could, she flicked open her omni-tool and checked her filter integrity. 100%

The analysis of what was getting through returned as strings of non-infectious monomers, mostly levo-chirality or achiral. Tali let out a sigh of relief. She was just smelling Shepard, the human man currently wrapped around her.

After another round of introspection and vague guilt she was settling comfortably into their new position. The simulated sunlight on the video-panels wouldn't let her go back to sleep though. She chewed her upper lip, a nervous habit which had thankfully never been seen by anybody.

If I wake him, we could keep talking, maybe have tea

The possibilities of the morning danced flirtatiously in her mind, but another voice was there to squash them.

He could also be horrified that I stayed. Maybe he expected me to leave in the night? That would be unreasonable, but I don't really know the human customs around this sort of thing. Maybe he wants me to forget anything ever happened?

As she was rehashing the internal debate on waking up Commander Shepard, he made the decision for her.

He released her waist and stretched his arms above him, giving her a lovely view of his arms that she may or may not have tried to memorize for later Nerve-Stim related enjoyment. She felt her face grow warm at the thought and was once again thankful for the translucent faceplate.

"Morning," He said in a rough voice, still stretching his body in ways that would have been painful for a Quarian.

She watched curiously from her vantage point near his shoulder. Her head was now resting on a hand and she smiled. So far so good.

"Ghelk Sha'lah, Commander," she said, her translator turned off for the moment.

He seemed to enjoy learning about Quarian culture, so why not a little of the language too?

He quirked an eyebrow and looked down at her, "Gelk ch-aal-aa?" he tried awkwardly, trying to fit his mouth around the unfamiliar syllables.

"Ghelk Sha'lah...it means good morning, specifically to someone you are close with," She added with a hint of trepidation.

"Ghelk Sha'lah," he said, more successfully this time, beaming.

Tali failed to stifle a giggle at his almost nar Paus-esque accent. A little flutter of warmth ran through her hearing him say that. She hadn't lied about the translation, it was for someone you are close with but it was the sort of thing a husband might say to a wife...it was nice, her little fantasy.

John got himself upright and smiled at the Quarian girl who was now sitting cross-legged in a pose that would break human legs, "Thanks for-" He wasn't sure what he was actually thanking her for, "Well, everything".

She tried desperately to pick apart his words for any deeper meaning, but found them lacking. Was this just a little favor? The harrowing night of plumbing through weeks of horrifying life-altering memories? She felt a little pang of hurt in her chest and it must have shown because John spoke again.

"I mean...well...I needed last night. I think we both did. I needed you to come in, I needed you to yell at me. I just...Thank you Tali," He said, meeting her eyes this time.

"I'm sorry I was so harsh. But I couldn't watch you do that to yourself," She took one of his big too-many-fingered hands in hers and toyed with it.

When had she become so comfortable touching him?

"I needed it," he said, giving her an apologetic half-smile.

They sat like that for another moment until the door chimed.

"I can get it," Tali said, jumping up already.

"No-...wait" He reached out futilely, trying to stop her. He wasn't embarrassed to be seen with her, but whoever it was would probably be surprised at the very least and likely assume a lot about the situation. That sort of news traveled superluminally on a ship like the Normandy.

"Oh! Hello..Miss 'Zorah nar Rayya," Said Liara in a painfully stilted manner.

Shepard's heart stopped. There was probably nobody worse in the galaxy to have been at the door. He would actually have preferred Rael'Zorah to Liara at this moment. There was absolutely no way he could explain any of this in a way that would make her believe the truth of the matter. There was no way to avoid hurting her.

"Hi Liara...is everything alright?" Tali asked brightly.

As the context of her appearance in the morning in Shepard's cabin fell into place though, her nerves cranked up to 11. It felt uncomfortably like her Nerve-Stim Pro overloading during a horror game.

Shepard scrambled to his feet and bolted to the door, standing behind Tali, trying desperately to appear unbothered.

"Yes, fine," she paused, "Um...Commander," she said, speaking past Tali, "I brought some tea...I thought you might like to talk about um- I suppose you have already...debriefed though". Liara looked at the floor and took a deep breath.

His right hand went to the back of his neck and he gave her that same apologetic half-smile. "Yeah, sorry Liara, I...well, want to talk over lunch or something?" He asked.

"No, no, I...have some research to be working on at that time." Her eyes flicked to Tali once more then back to Shepard, "I'll um, leave you to it, Commander, Tali".

As she turned to leave, Tali spoke again, "It's not what it looks like," She didn't for a second think that Liara would believe her though.

"I'm sure it's not," Said Liara as she turned and strode away along the walkway of the crewdeck.

Behind her, at the table were two crewmembers. Lt. Amanda Tyler and Cpl. Aaron Hansen were violently avoiding any eye contact with the Commander or his apparent paramours.

"None of this happened," Said Liara firmly as she passed the pair, biotic sparks dancing around the tips of her fingers.

"No ma'am,"

"Didn't hear a thing," They spoke over each other in their rush to show obeisance to her weighty commandment.

Liara nodded and disappeared into the Med-Bay.

"Goddamnit," Shepard swore as he shut the door, stepping back inside and leaning back against the wall.

"I'm so sorry," said Tali, horror evident through her facemask.

"No, no...it's not your fault," he said distantly. "Something like this was gonna happen eventually,"

She interrupted her own self-flagellation eventually? Tali didn't dare hope...

"Liara made it pretty obvious a few weeks ago that she was interested in me,"

Tali suddenly had a string of very impolite thoughts about the blue alien that she probably didn't deserve. Along with that, was a painful tightness in her chest.

"What...did you tell her?" She asked, carefully.

Shepard looked up at her from his new position, sitting on the floor leant back against the wall, "I didn't really tell her anything I guess".

She wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but it was not that.

"So she confessed her deepest feelings to you and you sidestepped it?" She asked dangerously.

"I...well...yes?"

"You what?! Bosh'tet!" She said, fury and confusion swirling within her, "Shepard, either you're interested or you're not. But either way, if she asked you then she deserves a clear answer". She was almost shouting at him now.

Keelah why can't I stop yelling at him?

He just watched her tirade with wide eyes, looking like a deer in headlights. Could the crew outside hear? In the midst of all of it, he couldn't help thinking that her eyes were really striking in that moment.

Her voice dropped to a menacing whisper, "Go tell her what you feel before she lights the ship on fire".

"I thought I was being polite.." He said more than a little defensively.

"It's not polite to keep somebody guessing," Tali's voice was softer now, but still quite firm.

Even as he wanted to defend himself, Shepard realized that she was right...again.

"Go talk to her," she said more gently, offering him a hand to help him up. "Come find me if you survive".


A/N: A heartfelt sorry to all the Liara lovers. It had to be done. The next chapter will have her talk with Shepard and hopefully end on a lighter note than this one.

R&R :)