Before we begin, I'd like to make it clear that I love Star Wars. However, it's precisely because I love it that I can make fun of it, that I can see it's problems and wish they weren't there. We'll be criticizing a lot of Star Wars content in this comedic anthology, but ultimately, please remember that this story is just looking to have a little fun with a franchise we all love.
On that note, please acknowledge that I am not privy to every bit of knowledge in the Star Wars universe. There may be some obscure information in some book somewhere that disproves the point of my joke, and that's alright. I'm writing this with the expectation of there being valid counterpoints to many of the jokes, somewhere out there in the Star Wars media.
Chapters will be broken down into segments to distinguish the jokes or the criticisms from one another. Please note that each segment is in its own "reality." For instance, a joke made in the first segment has no impact on any segment after that. It'll be like said joke never took place.
Now, for our first foray into this new land of comedy: Assault on the First Death Star: Super Ultra Special Edition!
Death Star Assault I: Lines of Fire
Grand Moff Tarkin, having allowed Princess Leia and her rescuers to escape the Death Star with a tracking beacon on their ship, rubbed his chin in consternation as he dwelt on the situation, his gaze peering into the depths of space from the command bridge of the Death Star.
Vader had assured him this plan would work. Thus far, it was going smoothly: the elite Stormtroopers aboard the battle station had even managed to meticulously avoid killing the rebels, all while keeping up an illusion of true lethal intent. Crack shots, those boys.
Personally though, Tarkin would have been more comfortable just capturing all the scum and interrogating them for the location of the Rebel base.
Tarkin's thoughts were interrupted when one of his black-helmeted bridge technicians alerted him.
"Sir, the escaped ship has stopped moving. We're tracking it to the Yavin system: looks like it landed on the fourth moon."
"The Yavin system... I am familiar with it. We'll have to maneuver our battle station around Yavin itself to get a clear line of fire on the fourth moon, undoubtedly providing those rebel scum with time to escape, or perhaps even counter-attack... no matter. There is nothing they can do to the Death Star. Prepare to jump into hyperspace, we must-"
"Uh, sir?"
Aghast at the mere notion of being interrupted by one of the common rank and file, Tarkin whirled on the faceless technician at a terminal behind him.
"You dare interrupt me?! What could be so important that you would exhibit such impudence?"
Cowed by his superior's ire, the technician shrunk back, but nevertheless answered the question.
"Forgive me Grand Moff, it's just... why don't we plot our course so we exit hyperspace on the side of Yavin the target moon is on? Then we can destroy it almost immediately after arriving. The rebels will have no time to do anything at all."
The room was utterly silent as Tarkin stared at the technician who had raised this very simple and pretty obvious idea.
Why, hyperspace plotting was so accurate, one could feasibly time the exit from hyperspace so precisely that they could bypass a planetary shield, then return to real space before hitting the planet that shield was protecting. There was absolutely no reason the Death Star had to enter the Yavin system with a big gas giant between it and Yavin 4. They could just pop out where they needed to be and blow the rebels to kingdom come immediately.
"Yes, well... I was merely considering all courses of action. I was going to get to your idea eventually. It's so obvious, after all."
Clearing his throat, Tarkin turned back to the view of space, addressing his men once more.
"Prepare to jump into hyperspace! We'll drop out right in front of Yavin Four and destroy it posthaste! The Rebels will be doomed, and the Emperor will be most pleased."
On Yavin Four, Rebel pilots had already received their briefing for the plan to destroy the Death Star. Knowing it would arrive any minute now, they were prepping their ships, getting ready for a grueling and possibly suicidal mission.
Luke Skywalker, having just learned that Han wasn't going to help, was staring up into the sky outside the hangar, watching as the Millennium Falcon disappeared into the stars.
He couldn't help but reconsider his opinion of the man.
Han... fighting to protect others isn't a pointless battle, even if you lose.
Right as he thought this, Luke's vision was clouded by a shadow that hadn't been there before. The whole sky had gone dark. Looking towards the sun, he was filled with dread as he laid eyes on the Death Star, super laser pointed directly at the rock he was standing on.
Actually, you may have had a point.
If Han Solo can pinpoint his exit from hyperspace so accurately that he can bypass the planetary shield of Starkiller Base and not crash into the planet, then the Death Star could have arrived at Yavin exactly where it needed to be to blast Yavin 4 immediately. Why pop out 30 minutes away from the target? In Rogue One as well, it popped out right on top of Scarif so it could fire immediately.
Death Star Assault II: Scramble All Fighters
The order had come down: Lord Vader had decided that fighter to fighter combat was the only way to defend the Death Star against the small craft the Rebels were attacking it with. Vader himself had tracked down two pilots to serve as his wingmen, and now the trio was taking off into the battle.
The Sith Lord couldn't help but feel confident in their victory. The space around the Death Star would be swarming with hundreds, even thousands of TIE Fighters. It would be just like the old days of the Clone Wars, with those massive and chaotic battles...
Losing himself in nostalgia for but a moment, Vader returned his senses to the battle around him, a little surprised to see the area so... empty.
Hm. I suppose the battle could be far enough away that I can't see all of our fighters. I'll just check in over comms.
"This is Lord Vader. All squadron leaders, report in."
A moment of silence followed, but Vader's order was answered soon enough.
"We read you, Lord Vader. Golem squadron, reporting in."
Once that was done, Vader waited for other squadron leaders to report in. However, several moments of silence followed, stirring his ire.
"I want all squadron leaders to report in, now!"
Following this order, a voice came over comms again, though it was the same one as before.
"Lord Vader, Golem leader here. It's uh, just us out here, sir."
Needless to say, Vader was flabbergasted by this revelation. Even his steely and stoic demeanor cracked.
"What do you mean it's just you?! Where the hell is everyone else?!"
"It's Imperial Pilot Appreciation Day, milord. All the pilots have the day off."
"What?! That's ridiculous: and moreover, why are you here then?!"
"Oh, well, we're actually just cadets in training, milord. So technically, we're not Imperial pilots who can get the day off."
Stunned by this information, Vader swiftly opened a comm channel to the two pilots he had selected as his wingmen.
"Hey, are you two even real pilots? You're not just cadets, right?"
The answer that came back was not encouraging.
"Oh no, we're just cadets sir. Why, I'm so green, I may even swerve into your fighter inexplicably because my buddy over there got blasted. I've only got thirty minutes in the flight simulator."
Vader fell silent as the gears of incredulity turned in his head. Soon enough, he opened a channel back to Golem Leader.
"So, are you telling me, that in this battle involving the most valuable asset in the Empire, the strongest military force in the galaxy, that the paltry rebellion that barely has any infrastructure can field thirty spacecraft, and we can only respond to that with less than ten?"
Golem Leader sounded uncomfortable, but he answered nevertheless.
"That uh, does seem to be the case, milord. By the way, we've lost two TIEs already."
Vader's head slumped against the back of his cockpit, lamenting his fate.
Typical. Vader, carry the battle of Naboo. Vader, carry the duel against Dooku, then LITERALLY carry Obi-Wan afterwards. Vader, carry the whole Clone War. Vader, carry the destruction of the Jedi! And now this? My metaphysical shoulders are killing me, fate! Give someone else a chance for a change, God damn!
With a sigh that couldn't be distinguished from his usual breathing, Vader returned to his professional self, opening up the channel to his noob wingmen. He'd rant to Palpatine about this later.
"Stay in attack formation."
The sheer lack of TIEs defending the Death Star is inexcusable from a plot standpoint. Sure, maybe Tarkin was arrogant and didn't think a swarm of 500 TIEs was needed for 30 rebel fighters. But at the very least, he would realistically send out a force to match the rebels. It's asinine to think that there would be MORE attackers from the ragtag rebellion than there would be defenders from the moon-sized battle station.
Death Star Assault III: The Gauntlet
Gold Squadron, a force of Y-wings that were aiming to destroy the Death Star, had just entered the trench that would lead them to the thermal exhaust port that was their target. Gold Leader had already told them to maximize their frontal shield power as the turbolasers in the trench fired upon them.
Tiree, one of the squadron's pilots, raised a question as they flew through it.
"Gold Leader, why do we have to fly through this trench instead of assaulting the exhaust port from directly above it?"
Gold Leader couldn't help but wonder why his wingman was asking this now instead of during the briefing earlier.
"Because, Tiree, the firepower on the surface of the station is too great for us to make a direct approach. We'd never make it. They could even have tractor beams up there."
There was silence for a moment, but it didn't last long.
"Gold Leader, why does the Death Star even have this trench?"
"Because, there's a lot of sensitive equipment, like hyper drives and ion engines in this trench. It would be harder for a capital ship to hit that equipment if it's hidden in this trench, and the Empire built this station with a battle against capital ships in mind."
When Tiree fell silent again, Gold Leader breathed a sigh of relief. They had a mission to focus on, after all.
"Gold Leader."
"For God's sake man, what?!"
Tiree didn't seem put off by his leader's ire.
"If the Empire built this station with capital ship threats in mind, why are there turbolasers in this trench, an area where only small fighters could fit? And why turbolasers, which are terrible at hitting fighters?"
"Tiree, I didn't design the damn thing."
"I'm just saying sir, seems weird that the Empire is so advanced that they can limit this huge battle station to just one exhaust port two meters wide, but they're so dumb that they fill a trench only fighters could fit in with weapons that are terrible at hitting fighters. Clearly they at least considered the possibility of this kind of attack, so what's up with that?"
Gold Leader grit his teeth as he contemplated ramming his ship into the walls of the trench and putting himself out of his misery. But before he could, Tiree and his Y-wing disappeared into a ball of flame. TIE Fighters had approached them from the rear.
Thank God.
Gold Leader's respite didn't last very long though, as his other wingman, Hutch, now had something to say.
"Gold Leader, considering that this entire trench is open and the fact that turbolasers apparently suck at hitting small craft, as evidenced by our minuscule casualties to them, and considering the fact that there's no way all of our X-wings should be preoccupied with the one squadron the Empire deployed, how come an allied fighter squadron isn't swooping into the trench behind these TIEs right now?"
Gold Leader pursed his lips as Hutch was blown to kingdom come by a very odd looking TIE.
You know, that is a very good question.
Look, don't get me wrong, this battle is cool. The trench run is a crowning moment of awesome in Sci-fi. But there's a whole lot of belief you have to suspend if you think about it for about five minutes.
Death Star Assault IV: What Does Exhaust Mean?
With Han Solo returning triumphantly to save Luke's X-wing from the menacing Darth Vader, the farm boy turned hero was free to take the shot.
"You're all clear kid, now let's blow this thing and go home!"
Spurred by Han's encouragement, Luke trusted the Force, as Ben told him to from behind the grave, and unleashed his proton torpedoes. They flew straight and true, flying right into the exhaust port.
Yes, I did I it!
Luke breathed a sigh of relief, but that breath quickly caught when his torpedoes came flying back out of the port.
"Wait, what the hell?!"
Han was clearly not happy to hear this exclamation.
"What's wrong kid, what happened?!"
"The torpedoes came flying back out of the exhaust port!"
"What?!"
From Han's end, Luke heard Chewbacca's guttural language.
"Bwaaaargh!"
Naturally, Han was quick to answer.
"Oh, yeah. That does make sense, now that you mention it."
Luke was obviously none the wiser.
"What? What makes sense?"
"Well, it's an exhaust port, right? It's expelling pressure and gas and stuff all the time. And this is the only exhaust port for this entire moon-sized battle station. The amount of energy being pushed out of that port must be astronomical. There's no way your torpedoes have enough force behind them to overpower all that energy pushing them back."
"Geaaaargh!"
"Good point, Chewie. The torpedoes would also have to maintain their velocity for miles and miles as they traveled down the pipes of this moon-sized battle station. I'm not even going to ask how they would accurately navigate those narrow pipes for that long, because it's moot considering how much raw energy being expelled from the core they'd have to overcome to travel all that way."
Luke's expression was entirely deadpan as he considered all of this.
"... I think we need to reconvene on Yavin Four and come up with a new plan."
Right as he said this, a blinding green light flashed across the stars, followed by a red and orange one roughly in the direction of Yavin Four. This all spurred Han Solo to speak his own mind.
"I think we need to get the hell out of here."
"Yeah. That's fair."
OK, so I know it's never stated that there's only one exhaust port on the whole Death Star, which realistically sounds impossible considering its size and energy usage. However, throughout all of ANH and Rogue One, it's never implied that there is any other viable target besides that one exhaust port. If there were other exhaust ports, any of those could have been targeted as well. And if there is only one exhaust port, there's not a chance in hell the proton torpedoes, which are physical warheads, could overpower all the energy being expelled from that port.
Death Star Assault V: Make it Rain
While the cost had been great, the Rebel heroes who destroyed the Death Star had returned to Yavin 4, their many comrades cheering as their craft touched down on the surface.
Luke was had just barely stood up in his cockpit when Leia called out to him from the scores of people below his ship.
"Luke, you did it! We're going to hold a celebration and give all of you except Chewbacca medals and-!"
Before she could get too far into it, Luke cut her off.
"Actually, I think we should all get out of here before the massive amount of debris from the Death Star catches up and showers us all with flaming chunks of durasteel the size of this temple."
Leia's expression swiftly changed to 'oh shit' as she tried to get the attention of her fellow Rebels.
"Everyone, listen up!"
According to Rise of Skywalker, the second Death Star was not atomized when it blew up. Pretty huge chunks of it crashed on planetary bodies. It's safe to assume the first Death Star would be no different.
