Did she say what I thought she said?
That was the question running through Shinji's mind over and over as he stood in the doorway looking at his classmate. Miyoko turned her head toward a closed door, where they both heard a shuffling sound from behind it. That door opened, and Misato stepped out, wearing a pair of wrinkled jeans and a sweat shirt, her hair messy and flowing over her shoulders, with strands of it sticking out here and there.
"What are you yelling about?" she asked Miyoko, her voice equal parts groggy and annoyed. "I'm trying to take a nap before-" She stopped herself when she saw Shinji standing in the doorway.
"He-Hello there," he said to her.
"And hello to you." Her voice was soft and clear. The two of them stood there for a few moments looking at each other. Searching for something to say, Shinji remembered the note Kensuke gave him.
"Oh, uh, Colonel Aida asked me to give this to you right away," he said as he handed the message to her.
"Thanks," Misato said as she took the note. "Come in, come in." Shinji did so, slipping off his shoes before he entered. She read the note, her face scrunching up as she went on
"What the hell?" she asked herself, though both Shinji and Miyoko could hear her. "This could have waited until tomorrow. What was he thinking?" She stuffed the note into her pocket, and turned to them. Silence ensued as both he and Misato looked at each other for a few moments, not knowing what to say to each other. It was Miyoko who broke the ice.
"I didn't know that you were a member of Wille," she said to Shinji.
"Yeah, I'm a liaison officer," he replied. "I work with the new pilot. You saw her last week."
"Oh, so that was her," Miyoko said.
"I knew for a good while now," Misato approached him and began to pull on the sleeves of his Wille jacket, straightening them out and making adjustments on the collar and shoulders, preparing him for a nonexistent inspection. "There. Looking pretty sharp."
"Uh, Thank you," Shinji said, not quite knowing what make of it.
"Have a seat," Misato gestured to a living room where there was a sofa and a couple of matching chairs, along with a small piano. The three went over and sat down, Shinji and Misato taking the sofa while Miyoko took one of the chairs. Silence filled the room again for a good thirty seconds before Misato spoke again.
"Uh Miyoko, could you head out and do the shopping?"
"I was planning to do the shopping tomorrow," Miyoko replied. "And I have enough food to make dinner tonight, and-" she stopped talking when she noticed her mother's eyes boring into her.
"Please go get the groceries," she said in a flat tone. Miyoko sighed, and grabbed the list that held by a magnet on the refrigerator door along with her coat.
"If you wanted some privacy, you could have just asked," she half-mumbled.
"But we're out of orange soda. Thank you Honey," Misato replied with a wave and exaggerated smile. Miyoko replied by waving her off before closing the door.
"So…how are you?" Misato asked Shinji.
"Fine, I'm fine," he replied as quick as possible, all the while staring at his shoes.
"Uh…are you still in the Astronomy club at your school?"
"Yeah, but because I have to work with Joanna, I don't have as much time. It's the same with-" Shinji stopped talking for a brief second before turning to her. "How did you know about that?"
"I've been getting regular reports from Kaji about your school life as a courtesy to me," she answered. "Your grades seem to be good, and I'm glad Miyoko's grades are too…." She paused for a second before starting up again.
"Is…she doing all right, in school I mean. I know her grades are fine, but she doesn't talk about her day to day life there. I leave her for months at a time, so I don't have a clue. Does she have friends? Is she happy there? As her mother, these are things I really want to know about her." Shinji took a moment to think, and as he did so, Misato thought she saw him clenching his fist over and over, but didn't say anything.
"Well, we're not in the same class, and until last week, we never talked to each other, so I don't know anything about her in great detail. I can tell you for sure that she does have friends, and also that she considered quite popular in school, especially from the boys."
"Really?" Shinji saw one of her eyebrows twitch a little.
"But the thing is she always seems to turn guys down, even the ones who are popular with the girls," he added feeling a bad aura from her. Misato smiled a little at that news.
"So…what about your love life? Don't you have a girlfriend?" Her smile had mutated into a smirk.
"Wha-No! I don't have a girlfriend." He began to blush.
"Well, there's time for you yet," she said. "You deserve to have someone close in your life." Shinji hunched over a little, not looking at her. He then spoke.
"One thing I don't understand, though. How can Miyoko be your daughter?"
"Oh, I guess I need to explain that," Misato replied with a forced chuckle. "I adopted her when she was four. In the chaos surrounding 3rd Impact, there was a complete deluge of orphans coming out of Japan. Far worse than even in the 2nd Impact. I couldn't save all of them, no one could. But when I saw her at that camp, I knew that I had to take care of her. Kaji helped me out with the process, did some favors for me with some of the officials involved. He was orphan himself after 2nd Impact, you know." Shinji straightened up and turned his head towards her.
"You should ask him some time about it," she continued, "but I'm not certain he'll want to go into detail. For a couple of years, she and I lived on a base recently converted for use by Wille, and those were wonderful years. She was doing very well, though she still had nightmares. Don't tell her I said this to you, but she still has them once in a while." Shinji nodded in agreement. He knew all about that subject.
"Eventually, I had to leave for missions from time to time, and of course I couldn't take her with me. It pains me every time I had to do it, and still do today. Kaji takes care of her when I'm away, so at least she isn't alone. But I still feel that I'm missing aspects of her life, that's why I asked about her time at school." Misato turned towards Shinji to find that he was trembling a little his head turned towards the floor.
"Th-That's some life you have there," he said. She looked at him, putting her arm over his shoulder.
"If you think that I was trying to replace you or something, you'd be wrong." Shinji looked up at her wide-eyed.
"Miyoko and I have had many good years, and I don't regret any of them," she continued. "While we were roommates for only a few months, we formed a bond that is unique, with all that we have been through. That is something that cannot be replicated, no matter how much time I can spend with someone else. Those times you and I spent together are just for us. Do you understand?"
"I do," he said. "It's just that I wasn't really worried about that too much, though that was nice to know."
"Then what is it?" she asked.
"It's just that I want to know…why?" She cocked her head a little, trying to process his words.
"Why what?" Shinji answered her in brief phrases.
"If…you know all about my school life, and… if you do remember me fondly… why didn't you ever contact me? Asuka and Mari, they always send me messages. Why don't you?" Misato's lips quivered a little a she formed her answer.
"I…I didn't think you'd want to see me again," she said.
"Why wouldn't I?" Shinji asked. "There were so many things I wanted to talk to you about, questions to I wanted to ask."
"I had a bomb strapped onto your neck, and threatened to blow your head off in front of you, for one thing," she answered. "I even tried to activate the damn thing when you were escaping with the Ayanami type, but I couldn't bring myself to push the button. Later on during 4th Impact, when our systems reported that the collar had detonated, my heart skipped a beat. I was so glad a few minutes later when I learned that you were still alive."
"I-I understand why did put that thing on me," Shinji replied. "I mean, if our situations were reversed, I'd have been wary of you as well. I don't blame you or any of the crew for what you did that day." He took a breath before speaking again. "It…It must have been frightening for you that day." She looked away from him.
"I see Ritsuko must have told you about the others, huh?" She made a heavy sigh. "Yes, I was scared. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still see him towering-" She held herself as if it was cold, rubbing her forearms.
"But it's me," he replied. "It's really me."
"I know that," Misato said. "Yet, I'm ashamed to say that when I see you, I get this sense of uneasiness, that something bad is going to happen. I know it's irrational, I know that it's really you, but I can't shake this feeling of dread. I guess…I guess I'll have to learn to live with it."
"I see," Shinji said. Misato stood up and began to pace around the living room.
"Do-Do you remember the last time we talked, when you left Nerv after what happened to Asuka?" she asked.
"Yeah," he replied. He remembered some of what she said, but the clearest memory for him was leaving her apartment, and not looking back.
"I still feel the same today," she said. "Some days, I still feel guilty over making you pilot back then, putting you in danger." He sat there listening to her. "I realized it wasn't right, but did it anyway. Maybe…maybe, if I didn't do it, Unit 01 wouldn't have awoken."
"I didn't know the Eva could do a thing like that," Shinji replied. "How could you know that was going to happen?"
"I know that's true," Misato replied, "but I can't help feeling that I pushed you to it. You know, I can still hear the words I yelled at you on that day. 'Go for it Shinji,'" she said in a half-mocking voice. "'This isn't for someone else. It's for the sake of your own wishes.'" She took a breath. "I can't believe I even said those words."
"To be honest, I don't think I even heard you," Shinji replied. "I was focused on saving Ayanami, so I don't think you should blame yourself for that."
"Thank you," Misato said.
"Bu I have to ask you," Shinji continued. "I realize at that time I was on the Wunder you guys couldn't tell if it was me, but could have there been a way to make things easier, so that I wouldn't have done what I did and stayed with you guys?" Misato stopped her pacing and stood there looking at him.
"I know that I can't do anything about the past, but I'll admit that I've thought about it from time to time," she said. "When I do, I really can't tell what I or any of the crew could have done anything different. Ikari types are extremely dangerous, so it was for the best to have you secured in quarantine. As far as how we dealt with you, we had to be careful with what we said. For all we know, you could have been a spy and be giving that information to Nerv. Even if it was you, we still had to be careful, to be sure you could take in the information as easy as possible. You…probably understand now why that was the case." Shinji nodded.
"If I have to make one change over how things were done, it was letting Asuka into the room," she continued. "I thought that she would walk in, look at you, and then leave. What I didn't count on was her blurting out that it had been 14 years since you were last with us, something that we were trying to ease you into at that moment. I also didn't expect she would punch the security glass." She sighed. "I think her actions made the situation worse, and I let her know that belief afterwords."
"I suppose you have to deal with stuff like that from her a lot," Shinji said.
"Oh, she's not that bad," Misato replied. "Now, I have a question to ask you."
"Sure, go ahead"
"When…When the Ayanami type attacked the ship, and took you away, what was going through your head at that moment?" Shinji took a minute before he answered.
"I thought all of you were lying to me. You guys tell me that no one else was found in Unit 01, yet my SDAT was in there, and I know Ayanami had it in her hand. I had thrown it in the trash, and I think she picked it up. You told me that Ayanami 'no longer exists in this world,'" he used air quotes for those last words, "yet when the ship was attacked, I heard her voice. How could I still believe anything you say? The fourteen years, the bomb collar around my neck. What else were you or Sakura or Asuka or anyone else lying about? That's why I went with her."
"What was I supposed to say?" Misato asked, sounding upset. "Don't go Shinji, she and Rei are clones of your mother and there are many more of them. Do you think that would have sounded any more reasonable, even if it was the truth?"
"I-I don't know," Shinji stammered. "Maybe I would have listened more. Asked you more questions. I just…don't know."
"Maybe I could have answered your questions differently," she replied, "but I'm starting to think that it was a day neither of us could get right."
"I suppose," Shinji said. Why did you want to know about that?" Misato took a breath before she began.
"I wanted to know because I got this…idea from you when you did leave."
"Idea? I don't understand." Shinji was both confused, and for reasons he didn't understand, frightened about the words she had said. Misato began to pace again around the room speaking not at Shinji, but at any direction she was facing as she did so.
"I had this idea that I first had when you left us…shit, what are the words? They're not coming into my head." She stopped and took another breath. After about thirty seconds, she resumed both her pacing and her speaking.
"When you left with the Ayanami type, I got this idea, maybe you could call it belief, that…anyone would do." Her pacing increased in speed. "That you would be willing to go to anyone, even as someone as horrible as Gendo Ikari, if it meant that you would feel wanted. Are you that afraid of being alone or something?"
"I don't know what you mean!" Shinji rose off of the sofa, which made Misato stand in place due to the suddenness of it. "At that moment, I had a hint of something approaching normal, and there you were ordering me to stay where I was, and threatening to kill me. What the hell was I supposed to do? It was like you became a stranger to me!"
"I know what I did was wrong," she shot back her voice rising in volume with each word, "but didn't you try to understand? Couldn't you-"
"You all abandoned me!" He yelled at her.
"And you abandoned us!" She yelled back. A moment of silence, and then Shinji saw her eyes fill with tears.
"And…you abandoned me." Her voice was soft, higher than a whisper, but he still had to struggle to hear it.
"Misato…" he began to walk towards her in slow steps.
"My father…" she began, her voice was stronger, but not at full volume. "He put his own research before my mother and I, and it hurt us so bad." Shinji got closer to her. "And when I looked back on everything, I began to notice that you two were similar. You just care for no one but yourselves, always leaving when it suits you…and I…I hate it. I hate him so much. And the scary part of this for me is that I can see myself hating you too." Those last words made Shinji stop in his tracks.
"Don't get me wrong, I don't actually hate you, and I know you are a good person," she continued. "But I don't know if I can separate the two of you in my head. Oh God, I am a horrible person. I'm so sorry." Shinji stood there facing her, watching her reduced to sobbing. He bounded a few steps between then, and clasped her shoulders.
"When I first came here, I started working at the daycare center at Headquarters. I didn't want to do it. I mean, these are little kids here. Well, I was convinced to do it, and it was difficult at first. I made a ton of mistakes at that time. There were times where I was angry with them for things like making a mess or throwing a tantrum. There were also times where I was angry with me for taking something away from them or when they had to be put in a timeout. I thought at first that they wouldn't want to speak to me after that or I would have nothing but trouble after that. But it turned out that despite what we had done to each other, that everything was back to normal in a few days to even a few hours. Many of them even apologized for their bad behaver." Even though her tears had stopped, Shinji could still feel her shaking between his hands. She stared at him with an almost pathetic look on her.
"What I'm trying to say is that I learned sometimes you're going to disappoint those you care about, yet it doesn't mean you no longer care. I also learned that a person can see the both the good and the bad in someone else, and still like them or care about them. I know I have my faults, and I'm not sure of I can ever get over them, but I am going to try. And I know that you have your faults, even from the first day that I met you. But, I'm sure that you've been working on them as well." Misato nodded in reply.
"A lot less beer now," she added. "A little more orange soda."
"I don't know much about your father outside of what you or Kaji told me, but I do remember he said that he was the one who rescued you on the day of 2nd Impact. Maybe…maybe he wanted to show you that he could be better person, but he didn't have time, so he put it in one grand gesture. Maybe he wanted to show you that in the end, he did care."
"I'll probably never know," she said.
"I don't know, but I want to tell you that I do care, and I'll always will." He moved his arms around her enveloping her in a hug. At first, she didn't move a muscle, but at a slow pace, she brought up her arms, and clasped him in return. The two remained that way for a few minutes, only releasing each other when they heard the door open, and Miyoko stepped in, carrying two bags stuffed with food.
"I'm home," she said as she used he foot to close the door.
"Welcome home," Misato said as she wiped any remaining tears from her face.
"The train stopped in between stations for about ten minutes for some reason, and I thought that if I had to wait any longer, I'd have to eat the ice-" Miyoko stopped what she was saying when she saw that her mother's eyes were red, and a little on the puffy side.
"Are you okay?" She rushed over to her, bags still in her hands.
"It's fine," Misato replied.
"But your eyes-"
"I'll explain later tonight," Misato interrupted her. "It's nothing you have to worry about. Now put this food away.
"Fine, fine." Miyoko trudged over to the fridge and began to put things in there. Misato turned to Shinji.
"So…what do we do now?" She asked him.
"I'm not sure," he replied. Misato paced around for a few moments before she spoke to him again.
"With all that was said between us, I'm thinking that I would like to do something that should have happened when you first came out of Unit 01, and I want to do it now."
"What were you thinking?" he asked.
"I want to start again by giving you a grand tour of the Wunder. We can leave right now if you want." Shinji took a few moments to think about it. It was true most of his memories of the ship were bad, but if she wanted to start over…
"Sure, why not," he replied.
"Okay then, let me straighten up a little and get into my uniform, then we'll head over there."
"So, basically you're going to wear the stupid hat again?" Miyoko asked her.
"For the last time, it's not a stupid hat," Misato complained. "Just let me get dressed, okay? It'll only take a couple of minutes." As she went off to her bedroom, Shinji turned to Miyoko.
"It is a stupid hat," he heard her mumble. She then noticed that he was looking at her.
"It looked like she was crying earlier," She said to him. "Is she all right?"
"I think so," Shinji replied. "Things kind of got emotional while you were gone."
"Huh," she replied. "I just remember her crying from time to time when I was younger. I didn't like it. I just want to make sure that she is all right."
"I see," Shinji replied. "I…do have one question for you."
"Go on."
"At school, I've noticed from time to time that you seemed to be watching me. Were you?"
"Yeah," she answered. "Over the years, my Mom had been telling me about you. She sometimes made it sound like I had an older brother, the way she went on. When she found out that were going to the same school as me, she asked me to watch you from a distance to make sure you were all right. Apparently there was some incident involving you a few months ago. I don't know what it was, she never said anything to me, but I could tell she was extremely worried about it."
"I…I see," Shinji stammered. "Y-You don't have to worry about anything like that."
"O-Okay," She said looking at him with some confusion.
"So…what do we do now at school?" Shinji said. "We never talked to each other when we are there."
"I don't think that would stop us from talking about ordinary things," she answered. "Sure, there might be a few questions, and probably more than a few jokes from our friends, wondering if we're dating or something, but I think we can get through that, can we?" Shinji didn't say a word, but he did blush a little when she mentioned dating. They heard Misato's bedroom door open, and they saw her come out in her uniform. The uniform was similar to what she wore when he first saw her on the Wunder, though it looked like lighter material to him.
"Miyoko, I'll be back for a late dinner," she said with a huge smile. "Shinji, shall we get going?"
"Sure," he replied. As the two left, Shinji looked at the cap she was wearing, and concluded that it was a little on the ridiculous side.
