based off of a dialogue prompt on tumblr (can't put the link in but it's on avasharpest)
title from hozier's "it will come back"
don't let me in (with no intention to keep me)
Arizona was in desperate need of a nap. She rarely slept well and last night, Sofia had been plagued with nightmares, which meant she slept in Arizona's bed. Sofia tended to be an aggressive snuggler, latching onto Arizona's neck, much like her other mother. So Arizona got very little sleep between Sofia's tight grip and restless sleep and her own loneliness.
Callie had introduced Sofia to Penny and they looked like a happy little family and Arizona couldn't handle it.
Sofia had come over to hers full of excitement about how great Dr Penny was and how they went and got ice cream and how awesome it was. It may have been Arizona's greatest performance as she smiled and nodded. Second only to the way she managed to keep it together at work.
Because she wasn't going to ruin this for Callie. Callie deserved to be happy.
But God, it hurt.
She tossed her coffee cup in a bin as she rounded the corner towards one of the more out of the way on-call rooms. It was great because most people didn't even realize it was there, so 9 times out of 10 it was empty and not even the randy interns seemed to have found it. It had long been Arizona's go-to, ever since the second week of her fellowship when she stumbled upon it. (It probably helped that Arizona never mentioned to anyone in maintenance that they never put up a sign outside the door.)
As she stepped into the room, she found someone seated on one of the bed, their face buried in their hands. The sound of tears was distinct and already, she was backpedalling. "Oh crap, sorry, I didn't think anyone was-"
"Arizona?"
Oh shit.
Of course, Callie was here. She was the only person Arizona had ever told about the hidden on-call room. The pair of them were intimately familiar with this on-call room. Just perfect.
"Callie? … um, is everything okay?" Arizona hung onto the door handle like it was a lifeline.
"Hm, oh, yeah, everything's great," Callie snorted, wiping at her wet cheeks.
"Are you sure?" Arizona winced. Callie was her ex-wife. They weren't friends. They never had been. "I mean, you don't have to… I should go…"
"I see you!" In typical Callie fashion, she had all but yelled it out, shocking Arizona into letting the door swing shut behind her.
"Sorry?"
"Bailey had this whole speech about who I want cheering next to me and I see you and now I'm in an on-call room crying my eyes out because I can't stop missing you, can't stop loving you. But you're not mine to miss anymore, are you?" Callie dragged a hand through her hair, a slightly manic laugh escaping her lips. She gestured vaguely in Arizona's direction. "You're just… I don't know, so fine and normal and encouraging and I don't even think you care-"
"I don't care? I don't care?" Arizona spat out, "You're the one with a girlfriend! You're the one who's moved on. You told me I suffocated you, that we both needed to be free. So I let you go, Callie." Arizona threw her hands in the air, nervous energy pouring off of her. "I let you go and I miss you all the time, but you're certainly not mine to miss anymore. You have Penny and you moved on and you're happy and I made you unhappy for so long, the least I can do is step back and let you move on without having to worry about me and my feelings. So, no, Callie, I'm not fine and I care so much it hurts, like it is a physical ache in my chest that never quite goes away," Arizona trailed off, her chest heaving.
"What?" Callie stared up at her with wide eyes.
Arizona fell back onto the bed opposite Callie, no longer trusting her legs. "I don't think I can move on from you," she admitted softly, "I don't think I can ever love someone else like I love you."
"You love me?"
Oh fuck.
She had to leave. Now. She shouldn't have said that. Why had she said that?
"Callie-"
"No, no, I swear to God, Arizona, if you walk out that door… You said you love me!"
In the face of Callie's anger, all Arizona could say was, "What do you want from me?"
"I want you to stop…" Dread settled in the pit of her stomach. She didn't know what more she could do to give Callie space. All she did was give Callie space even though it tore at her. "Stop protecting me, stop trying to be a good man in a storm, just stop. I want you to actually tell me what you feel, what you're thinking."
"I don't-"
The anger had seemingly dissipated from Callie's voice as she begged, "Please, Arizona." The way Callie said her name always broke her resolve. There was something about how she said it that was so uniquely Callie and she missed it in a way she barely understood.
"What do you want me to say?" Arizona asked, her voice weak. "That I love you? That I've been in love with you for years and I know I'm probably the worst person in the world for you and I don't want to be selfish but I love you and it hurts and I don't know what to do anymore." Arizona inhaled a shaky breath. What on earth was she thinking? "Because I want you to be happy, and it's selfish, impossibly selfish, but I want you to be happy with me and every, every time I see you with someone else, it's like a little more of me dies and it hurts and I am so tired of being in pain all the time. Because loving someone shouldn't feel like dying, but loving you and knowing that I always, only ever hurt you, make you miserable, it makes it hard to breathe sometimes and I can't… I should go… I'm sorry."
Arizona felt like she had crashed down to earth. And she would know. She had literally crashed down to earth before.
Before she was even aware of it, she was on her feet, pulling the door open and all but running down the hall.
"Wait, Arizona- Damn it."
Arizona rounded a corner, nearly knocking someone to the ground.
"Oh, sorry Dr Robbins!"
And it was Penny, because who else would it be?
"Um, right, sorry, my bad, I, I, I need to go," she mumbled, barely able to meet Penny's eye. She needed to leave. She needed to flee.
Penny said something in response, but Arizona was already ten steps away.
She had just told her ex-wife that she loved her. Who does that? Arizona, apparently, that's who.
Why would she do that?
Someone, maybe Webber?, called her name, but Arizona just kept walking. She just needed to be away from here.
Almost unconsciously, she found herself headed towards daycare. Sofia wouldn't have probing questions or sad, pitying looks. Thank God it was Saturday and Sofia wasn't in kindergarten, but here at the hospital.
"Oh hey there, Dr Robbins, are you here for Sofia? I thought you were on shift for a few more hours."
Arizona blinked, pulling herself from her own thoughts as Elinor, one of the daycare workers, chatted to her.
"Mommy!"
Arizona braced herself for her daughter as she launched her tiny body into Arizona's right side. "Hey there, Sof. I was thinking, it's so pretty outside, we could go for a walk. What do you think?"
"Can we go to the good playground? The one with the fun slides?"
"Sure, we can." Arizona ran her fingers through her daughter's hair. Sofia grinned up at her and all she could see was Callie, and yet somehow, Sofia's smile helped settle the panic racing through her veins. She laced their fingers together, some of Sofia's warmth seeping into her cold fingers. "We'll be back in like an hour, I think?"
"No problem, Dr Robbins. We'll be here!" Elinor called after them with a wave.
Arizona led Sofia out a side entrance, listening with half an ear as Sofia explained what sort of crafts they had been up to in daycare and who she had played with.
As they stepped out into the sunshine, Arizona let go of a breath she hadn't even realized she was holding.
She had just ruined everything. Literally everything.
She had told Callie she loved her. She had told her ex-wife she loved her.
Callie was going to kill her.
That was fun.
Great.
Awesome, even.
"... and then, I made a bracelet, isn't it pretty?" Sofia held up her wrist for Arizona to look. "I used blue and green and pink 'cause it's Mama's, mine and your favourite colours."
"It's lovely, Sof. But isn't Mama's favourite colour red?"
"Nope! She said it's blue. I askeded her the other day 'cause I was makin' a picture. 'spesficialy light blue, like the sky and sea, that's what she said."
Arizona nearly choked on air. A small swell of hope settled in her chest, but she was quick to tamp that down. It didn't mean anything. Maybe Penny had blue eyes, Arizona wouldn't know, she tried to not look at Penny as much as possible. It didn't mean anything.
"Huh. Well, your bracelet is very pretty."
"I can make you one too, Mommy! So we can match. Like Christmas jammies!"
"I would love that so, so much."
As they crossed into the park, as she always did, Arizona took a moment to cherish this moment. There had been a point in her life where she thought that this would be impossible, that she'd never be able to play with Sofia again. But here she was, still breathing, still leaving, taking her daughter to play in the park. There was a version of her that would barely be able to comprehend this.
And yet, she knew that her ability to walk and take Sofia to the park would be the less surprising aspect of this moment to her former self. The fact that she and Callie were divorced, that Callie had moved on, was what would be the biggest surprise. Because they were Callie and Arizona; they had survived so much.
"Can we have soup tonight for dinner? With cheeses?"
"D'you mean grilled cheese?" Sofia nodded resolutely. "Sure, we can do that. And maybe, if you want, we could make some brownies too."
"Yes, please, Mommy!"
They strolled down the pathway, slowly making their way to the park with the good slides, as Sofia put it. Sofia narrated the whole way, pointing out the birds and the butterflies and the pretty flowers and the dogs. The dogs were of particular interest to Sofia, who desperately wanted a dog and so far, both she and Callie were holding firm and Sofia was still too little to realize that she could probably play them off each other.
It'd probably be even easier since Callie would never want to speak to her again because Arizona told her she loved her like an idiot.
"Mommy?"
"Sorry, I was a bit lost in thought."
"Can I go play? Julia and Annie from my class are over there."
"Oh, right, yes, of course, I'll just be over here. Let me know if you need anything, Sof." Arizona lingered for a moment, watching as Sofia jogged over to join her friends, all three girls giggling with delight, before dropping down onto a bench, easing the pressure on her leg. She smiled to herself. This was what was important: Sofia happy.
She'd just, God, she didn't even know, tell Callie she hit her head and had a breakdown. Or… or… okay, so evidently it was hard to come up with excuses for confessing your love to your ex-wife and then promptly fleeing and hiding in a park with your shared daughter. Really, someone should write a handbook or something.
But Callie had said she missed her. What did that even mean? And Callie was crying in an on-call room because she missed her? It made almost no sense whatsoever. Callie had just introduced Penny to Sofia. She was serious about Penny.
Just that thought made Arizona's heart ache.
Callie moved on. Callie loved someone else now.
And just like always, Arizona was apparently trying to ruin things for Callie. She excelled at that. Hadn't the past, what, five-plus years of their lives shown that? Or even before that…
Sometimes she couldn't help but wonder what might have happened if she had just sucked it up and stayed in Malawi and left Callie to be happy without her.
But then she would see Sofia and know that she had made the right choice all those years ago. Sofia was worth all of the pain and suffering and heartache.
Sofia and her friends seemed to have created some sort of elaborate game and roped all the other kids into it. Sofia stood, arms folded over her chest, and explained the rules to the crowd and she just looked so much like Callie in that moment.
An almost involuntary smile pulled at the corner of her lips as she watched Sofia. This was definitely the best option. It was this or digging out the pack of cigarettes from her office and that was just sad. It wasn't as if she even really liked smoking, but sometimes, she just needed to feel that bit of control.
She idly tapped her fingers along the bench, unable to contain the nervous energy moving through her. At some point, she was going to have to go back and face Callie. And Callie would have sad eyes and for the thousandth time, Arizona was the one who caused it. She didn't like to think of herself as a selfish person, but… but it seemed like at every turn, Arizona was selfish with Callie.
She had to stop. Somehow, she had to stop.
But Arizona didn't know how not to be in love with Callie. Nobody had ever made her feel like Callie and no one would ever make her feel like that again. This wasn't Arizona clinging to the past, or trying to be selfish. This was just a simple statement of fact. Arizona would always be in love with Callie.
And she had made her peace with that. She may not be able to, or supposed to tell Callie anymore. So her love would have to be in letting Callie go. It would just be preferable if letting Callie go didn't feel like it was killing her bit by bit, day by day.
It hurt so badly to see Callie moving on, to see Callie fall in love, to see someone else hold Callie, call her Calliope, love her.
It was like death by a thousand cuts and the worst part was that Arizona would accept it silently.
Because she loved Callie and wanted her happy and Arizona painfully, oh so painfully understood that Callie could be happy without her.
Arizona just wasn't so sure the reverse was true. She wasn't sure how to be happy again without Callie. Callie walked out of that room and it was like all the air had been stollen from Arizona's lungs and she didn't know how to breathe anymore.
She threw herself into work, into Sofia, into making herself whole again.
Only it was impossible because Callie held part of her.
Arizona dragged a hand through her hair.
At least she'd have something exciting to discuss with her therapist this week (as if the plethora of abandoment issues, daddy issues, dead, well, everyone issues and general trauma weren't enough).
Absently, she checked her phone, praying that none of her patients needed her. At this point, it was just a matter of running out the clock. If she could just get through the end of her shift, then maybe she and Callie could just never discuss what happened in that on-call room. That was, after all, one of their specialties: not discussing their problems. They could just ignore it and continue to be amicable ex-wives and co-parents.
If it wasn't for Sofia, though, Arizona was almost positive that she would've just fled the state. Well, her mind corrected, if it wasn't for Sofia, she would've left as soon as the divorce was finalized. She could barely handle seeing Callie every day without totally falling apart, but she held it together for Sofia.
Maybe she should go visit her parents for a week. Or even just a long weekend. Sofia had a long weekend coming up and she hadn't seen her grandparents in a while. Maybe just being out of Seattle would do Arizona some good.
Although visiting her parents had the massive drawback of her dad's near-constant disapproval these days and her mom's hovering concern.
But really, where else could she go?
She didn't exactly have anyone left.
Anyone she had ever trusted was either dead or had left her.
Christ, she needed to pull it together.
She fussed with her phone, pulling up her speed dial. She thankfully had removed Callie from the list in a fit of anger after the divorce, so there was little chance of accidentally calling her. Well, to be perfectly honest, beyond her mom's number, Alex's and the emergency babysitter for Sofia, there weren't exactly a lot of active numbers in her speed dial. She supposed Teddy's was technically still active, just not in use with Teddy in Germany. But Tim and Nick's numbers definitely didn't work anymore.
With a sigh, she slipped her phone back into her pocket.
Everything would be okay. It had to be okay. It would be okay.
She and Sofia would have a nice night, making grilled cheese and brownies, and Arizona would keep smiling for her daughter. Things would be awkward with Callie, but things were always a bit awkward with Callie these days, weren't they? But Arizona would keep her chin up and keep going and it would be fine.
(Maybe if she repeated that enough, it would be true.)
Sofia's laughter drifted over from the playground, pure and bright.
Someone took a seat next to her on the bench, but Arizona could barely be bothered to look away from Sofia.
"You're faster than you look. Or I'm just not as good at guessing where'd you be as before." Arizona twisted sharply, wincing a bit at the pull in her neck, to find Callie next to her. "I brought you a jacket. I wasn't sure if you grabbed one, but your office isn't on the way to the day care."
"What?"
"I nearly paged you. Or had Alex page you because I was pretty sure you wouldn't answer my page. And you weren't in your office, not that I really expected you to be there, it is haunted after all. And you weren't hiding in the NICU. So that left day care and Elinor was quite happy to tell me you and Sofia were going to the park. Only I went to the wrong one at first before I remembered that Sof prefers the slides here," Callie barely paused to breathe and Arizona just stared at her, unable to form words. "So I came here because you told me you love me and I… God, Arizona, you told me you love me."
Arizona sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, worrying it in an attempt to avoid tears. She looked away from Callie, tipping her chin up. What was she even supposed to say?
"Arizona…"
Callie reached out for her, slow and steady, like how you might approach a skittish animal, like she was afraid that Arizona was going to run again.
"I'm sorry," Arizona offered, her voice soft. "I'm sorry."
"What? You're sorry?"
Arizona bobbed a shoulder up in a weak imitation of a shrug. "I… I shouldn't have… it was a mistake."
"A mistake," Callie echoed. "It didn't sound like a mistake. In fact, I'm pretty sure you said it more than once."
Arizona whipped her head to the side to face Callie, anger rising within her. "Callie…."
"You told me you loved me and then you ran away. You ran away."
"Because I, I, because I shouldn't've said anything. I… we're divorced. You have a girlfriend. You moved on. I don't want to… I won't suffocate you anymore. You deserve more than that." Arizona desperately searched Callie's expression for something, she wasn't even sure what. Forgiveness? Acceptance? Hatred? "We can just, I don't know, can't we just forget about this? We can just pretend this never happened-"
"I can't."
"What?"
"I can't pretend that I didn't hear it."
"Callie."
"Not when it's the first thing that's felt right in a long time. The first thing that made sense and didn't feel impossible or wrong or out of place."
"Callie-"
"No, no, you got to talk. Now I get to talk. Because you told me you still love me, that you aren't over me and then you left and now I get to talk. I get to talk because I… God, Arizona, I have tried so hard to move on from you. But no one's you. No one's you. And you're the only person I see standing next to me, cheering Sofia on at the World Cup," Arizona opened her mouth, but Callie waved her off, "It's a Bailey thing. I only see you. You're the only person I want next to me. And I tried to make Penny fit and she's a good person and maybe if I had never met you, she would fit, but she doesn't. Because she's not you. Because I don't think I can ever love someone like I love you, Arizona."
Arizona struggled to breathe. Was Callie saying what she thought she was saying?
"But… but… you, what?"
"I broke up with Penny last week."
"What?" Arizon was starting to feel like a broken record, but no one had the ability to throw her off like Callie. "But you just-"
"Introduced Penny to Sofia? I know. And that's when… I just, I only see you, Arizona."
Arizona swallowed against the lump in her throat. "You only see me. What, what does that mean?"
"It means… that I love you. That I've always loved you. Even at our worst points, I've loved you."
"You, you left, Callie. You walked out." Arizona's voice shook a bit, completely unnerved by the ease with which Callie confessed her love. "You left."
"I know… I know I left, but I think, I think that we needed time apart to find our way back to each other. You needed to stand on your own. I needed to… I needed to as well. We were so broken, Arizona. But now… now I think we're both in a better place."
"So what, you just want to try again? You broke up with Penny last week and you're in love with me again and you want to try again?"
"Yes?"
"I don't… I don't know, Callie."
"You love me! I love you! None of the rest of it matters, that's what you said." Callie grabbed her hand, squeezing tight. "Arizona, I know we've hurt each other. But-"
"But everything matters, Callie!" Arizona yelped, then continued in a quieter voice, "Everything matters. It matters because of Sofia. What happens if we try and we fall apart again? I don't think I can handle that. I can't handle losing you, watching you walk away again. I'm barely pieced back together again after last time. You told me that you were sure that I would hurt you once upon a time, and you were right. I have hurt you time and time again." Arizona sucked in her cheek, chewing until she could taste blood. "I couldn't forgive myself if I hurt you again."
"Arizona," Callie began, brushing away a few stray tears from Arizona's cheek with her thumb.
"Mama! You're here!" They barely had time to spring apart before Sofia bounded over to them. "I'm so happy you're here!"
"Hey, goose, how's the park?"
"Super fun!" Sofia climbed up into Callie's lap. "Why are you here, Mama? Isn't it Mommy's day?"
Arizona's heart ached a bit at that. How much damage had they done to Sofia's childhood?
"I just needed to talk to Mommy about something," Callie answered, rubbing away a bit of dirt from Sofia's cheek. "And I wanted to see my most favourite Sofia."
"I'm your only Sofia!" Sofia giggled, pressing a kiss to Callie's cheek. "Mommy and I are gonna make brownies tonight."
"Yum."
"And grilled cheeses too. They're super yummy. Mommy makes the best ones. But you don't like 'wiches, right, Mama?"
Arizona just knew her cheeks had to be burning as Callie looked away from Sofia to hold her gaze.
"They're not my favourite, but I like the girl who has the sandwiches."
"Mommy, Mommy, can Mama have 'wiches with us? Please, please. It'll be the mostest fun." Sofia pouted at her and Arizona wavered.
"Sof, I don't-"
"No, you should come, Callie," Arizona cut in before Callie could make any excuses. "You should come. Come for dinner, Cal- Calliope?" She managed a weak smile, her heart beating too fast for comfort.
The smile she got in return was the same she had seen all those years ago, the one that had made her follow Callie into a dirty bar bathroom, just to see it again.
"I'd love to. I finish at 5, you?"
"Same." Arizona glanced down at her watch. "Which is in thirty minutes. We should probably head back."
Callie set Sofia on her feet before standing and offering Arizona a hand to pull her upwards. As Arizona gripped her hand, a bit of static shocked them both. Callie murmured an apology but didn't let go of Arizona's hand.
Sofia danced a bit in front of them as they headed back down the path that would take them to the hospital.
"Arizona, we don't… I can make an excuse for Sofia. We don't have to, you know, rush anything," Callie spoke softly, keeping an eye on Sofia.
"We still need to talk some more, but I… I want this with you, Callie. We need to take things slow and be careful. But I also love you and I don't want to miss this again." Arizona hesitated before leaning in and pressing a kiss to Callie's cheek. "I… I missed you."
"I missed you too. I love you. I want this, I want everything with you. Only you."
"I love you too." Arizona squeezed Callie's fingers.
"Moms, hurry up! You're so slow!" Sofia called in front of them, her hands planted firmly on her hips. "I'm gonna be a million 'fore we get home!"
"If she's a million, how old are we?"
"Ancient, I think, Calliope," Arizona laughed, unable to help herself as it felt like her world had righted itself after years of being thrown off its axis.
xx
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much love xx
