I am finally ready to start writing the probably last story cycle in the 'coming home with you' universe. i really recommend that you look at my profile and start at that beginning point and work your way to this story.
2 reasons!
1. although actually i would go back and tidy up my writing, i think there is a great post endgame resolution story there.
2. this story is going to make a better read with having read some of that back story! right?
this last 18 months has been crappy. as my name suggests, i am a doctor, it has been a pandemic.
like many i have lost people i loved and cared about, people at work, friends and also some family.
i had planned to write this one all out before publishing. but life can be too short. so lets just wing it!
I know who the adversary is [have all along] and i am sure that you might want to too. Watching picard hasnt affected the story outline, tho TBH clearly some unfinished business of the next gen gets into all of our heads [and i loved the troi riker family] cry for icheb! i dont think much i write here will be obviously out of sync, but some is maybe a bit, and who knows about the next series of Picard.
enjoy.
-0-0-0-Chapter one: desolation and disolution-0-0-0-
How the hell did we get here.
The words are on repeat in my brain. If i were an android, I would say that it didn't compute. We have had some rough moments settling in, but this? i just don't understand. We are on different ships, but the lightyears that separate us in space are nothing compared to the quadrants we are apart in spirit. In this private space I let the tears flow without check as I stumble over the official wording that will request from him the inevitable official dissolution of our marriage.
I am not sure what my over-riding emotion is – anger or grief – or whether it is all about to be swallowed by the cold void spreading from the place where my heart used to share a spot with his. I have never felt a loss as overwhelming as this. Damnit, in a life punctuated by loss and grief, this is the culmination of that training. I had thought that to lose him to Seven brought devastation, but that was but a presage of the annihilation of hope and future I am facing now. Just existing actually hurts;drawing in breath causes pain.
How the hell did we get here.
The unceasing vitriolic invective that poured out of his mouth, splashing across my consciousness like acid, turning me to fragile glass forever etched with his words. I stood as if rooted to the spot, unable to comprehend, to argue, to beg in the sightline of his fury. The anger, hatred and pain that ruptured forth finally seeing the light of day as if it had been buried deep and then finally like a pyroclastic flow blasted forth and seared, burnt and destroyed everything it its path. And its path was our love, my dreams of a future, my sure foundations, my life envisioned. My peace annihilated.
From the perspective of here, I cannot see how we were ever there, ever happy, ever confident in our future. I know in my mind that it happened, but it seems unreal, unrelated to now, a holo-adventure. Ephemeral, transient, over. A mayfly love.
The bitterness of such immeasurable loss and failure covers me in an exoskeleton of dutiful resolution overthe emptiness where a human once resided. Like the empty voids representing people in the ruins of Pompeii, the hardening residue of resolve hides and preserves the appearance of what once existed.
I had thought it would be a joyful meeting, working together to outwit a foe, celebrating that we were, as always, stronger together. Huh! My trusty intuition failed me on that one. The quick glance in my direction confirms that I have let out an audible snort. Let them see my anguish, we are all family now. I cannot hide this despair.
Instead of the expected joy at an unexpected reunion there was betrayal. As I turned to him in love, he blasted me away.
I felt like the omega particle that had found that beautiful, harmonious stability, the perfection that Seven so desperately searched for, and then unexpectedly exploded in front of me. Coruscating and uncontrollable. I have been left at ground zero with no way out. My personal subspace destroyed, thrusters only to manoeuver, cut off and unable to escape from this landscape of pain. Falling to my knees before him in entreaty, i silently begged and he turned away.
I have lost before and lived on, and even lost such that I believed that I could not ever find joy again. I know that I will find the strength to love and laugh with the life that grows inside me, and that I will gain a new balance. But I am wounded in a way that I wasn't by previous loss. The spandrels that supported me have cracked, and I will never dare ask them to bear the weight of love again.
My heart catches and bleeds over every word I write. I exsanguinate quietly over the PADD.
'Dearest Chakotay.
By your actions, you have dissolved our bonded pair according to the customs of our tribe.
I will not cause you pain by pleading further and will respect your decision. I have stamped my decisions too often over you despite all your objections. I will honour you this last time by abiding by your decision.
You are correct in that I cannot change the essence of who I am.
I return to Dorvan with a heavy heart to share this with your sister, the leader, and I will return your belongings to her lodge as custom demands before I leave forever myself.
I suggest that you formalise the dissolution of our pairing and petition the Federation for divorce due to irreconcilable differences. I find that I have not the will to do this. I will not contest your plea.
Our joining and marriage were perhaps gloriously hasty, and a more thoughtful and temperate approach may have revealed that we couldn't sustain what we were and saved us from this drastic resolution. It was beautiful and brave. A bold attempt to grasp the joy that I delayed for too long such that clearly although the embers ignited, there was not enough fuel to last us a future.
I cannot regret our love though and the new life it has created, and will hold what we shared close to my heart.
I wish you good fortune and happiness, and hope that one day…'
Damnit to hell, what do I really hope? I really hope that he would back down, love me as he did, come begging for my forgiveness as I throw myself into his arms begging to be his again and again. I have no shame, no pride here. I know that he won't. The implacable glare as he ripped away the shielding around my heart before shooting to kill. His words were carefully chosen, bitten out,his raised hand cutting off all my attempts at aligning us both together again, begging for his understanding, pleading.
I, Kathryn Janeway begging on my knees in front of our friends and crew. Even now, when I should be mortified at this action, even now I would do so again. Even now I cannot hide the body blow. There is no captain's mask to raise against this.
Oh, I checked and rechecked that I didn't misinterpret his actions. He beamed away with revulsion for me clear in all his words and movements. I left, bereft. I backed away from the place of disaster and ran to my ship as a bolt hole and set course in black ops mode as he demanded. I couldn't resist the pulse kath/ryn that has always before given the triple pulse response cha/ko/tay in return. Even with waiting and repeating, I have to understand that he is not answering.
I am truly alone and afraid.
I should have run when you proposed, that second of uncertainty and fear that nearly propelled me from your welcoming arms was a portent that I ignored at my peril. That as newlyweds we had no time, but were swept into Starfleet roles and duty should have put me at high alert. That I, we, allowed this rather than insisting on even the shortest of breaks. Damnit, I negotiated a break for 'lanna and Miral, why not one for us. Damn. Even on our wedding day I put Starfleet duty first.
Damn!
My mind is drawn inexorably to revisit that evening, watching Chakotay battle and move to gravitate to my side, perpetually frustrated by diplomats and admirals. I never even tried to set a course to him. I accepted that the day belonged to Starfleet and not to us. A price we both paid willingly. Now I see that it was I who paid that price willingly. You resisted, attempting to blend the personal and the professional, to find a balance between two unequal partners of our time and life.
Newlywed and I failed him. Damn. Hindsight is a bitch.
The evening… I clutch at the memories of that evening. Perhaps I didn't truly fail, just balanced differently. From the moment I stepped out on his arm, I was there as his wife. A couple, not in hiding. It plays both as a soothing balm to my conscience and a source of pain to my shattered heart.
We laughed together through the meal, sharing food, receiving well wishes and advice. We emphasised our focus for the next six months, on balancing ourselves and our former crew into life in the Alpha Quadrant , and then were suitably coy about our plans thereafter. The leave that we could take.
And then the dancing... we danced the whole night, laughing and revelling in our closeness, safe in each other's arms. Regardless of individual admirals' concerns, our wedding had had the Federation President and the CIC present. A tactical masterstroke from Chakotay. Our union officially approved. Oh, it looked like we would have it all.
Just how the hell did we get here
