Chapter 18: Ash
I couldn't believe that Lexa had never done so many of the things I take for granted. It was so cute to watch her experience these things for the first time. I loved the fact that I was the one she got to do them with. For some reason, I want to be the one to show her all the things she has missed. Although, I don't think she is a big fan of clothes shopping. I'm going to have to be careful with this girl. She is so inexperienced at anything other than fighting, and she just says what she feels. It's kind of refreshing not to have to weed through the bullshit that some women tell you just to get in your pants. But Lexa isn't like that. She hasn't had the opportunity to experience ordinary things; therefore, she doesn't play games as far as I can tell.
I will have to find out if she has any experience in dating or interacting with other people unless it involves fighting. I mean, she did mention that she had somewhat of life before the bombing. I should probably ask her about her time in the orphanages. I wonder if the fact that she is so innocent is what attracts me to her. I love showing her new things and experiencing them with her as she does them for the first time but is that the sole reason I'm so attracted to her? When all the firsts are over, will I lose interest, or will she? I have so many questions. I need to be careful with her feelings and mine. I can't go through another heartbreak like Callie. I can feel my walls cracking, and it scares me. I haven't let anyone in, in so long... We need to take whatever this is slow, and I mean super slow. I know I shouldn't have bought those dirt bikes, but I couldn't help when I saw her looking at them. I just had to get it for her. Besides, it's not like it is my money anyway. Technically, it is, but I look at it as blood money and usually blow it on random crap anyway, so why not something nice for her.
As we head back across town, I look over at Lexa, and she is fast asleep. I guess shopping really wore her out. Since she is sleeping, I decided to swing back by the clinic and see if Abby is still there. I need to talk to somebody, and well, it's not like I have many choices. When I pull up, Abby is walking to her vehicle. I get out and leave the jeep running, so hopefully, Lexa won't wake up.
Abby sees me coming and asks, "Fletch, what's wrong. Is everything okay?"
I don't know why but I say, "No, Abby, everything is not okay, and I don't know what to do about it."
"What are you talking about, Fletch? Is Lexa okay?"
"I guess, technically, the answer to that question is yes. But she's really not, I mean for God's sake, she had never been to a restaurant or shopping for clothes. She doesn't know the difference between an Xbox and a PlayStation. All she knows is how to fight, and boy can she."
Abby smiled, "Fletch, she's getting to you, isn't she? You have to have known what she has been through and what her life has been like for a couple of days now. So why is it bothering you now?"
"Hell, I don't know. Yeah, I knew she had it rough, but today just showed me what she has missed. She doesn't even know what it's like to be a kid. I mean, has she ever been in a relationship with anyone. Does she even have any idea how difficult relationships can be especially same-sex relationships? What if when she gets to the states, she sees all the possibilities she never knew she had and….and what if I am not enough?"
Abby started to laugh and said, "Ashley Fletcher, I have never seen you like this. Are you saying that you two are in a relationship? I didn't think that you did relationships…well, after Callie. I have never known you to be insecure, especially about a woman. Especially one you just met, but by what I hear, she has already broken down the walls you have spent the last five years of your life building, and it scares the shit out of you. I hate to tell you this, but there are no guarantees in life or relationships. I thought you of all people knew that."
"I am glad you find this funny, Abby, and trust me, I know there are no guarantees in life. I just don't know what it is about her that makes me so crazy. What if I'm only attracted to her because she is inexperienced in everything, and it feels good to be able to show her new things? What if I'm not interested anymore when all the firsts are over, or if she gets tired of me when I can't show her anything else? Abby, what should I do?"
"Look, Fletch, I don't have all the answers. All I can do is say if it is meant to be, then it will be. Some people know right away, while others don't. Some people need to date many people while some only need to date one. I know that when you find the right person, you will know it, and even if it takes the other person longer to realize it, if it is meant to be, it will. No matter how many times you are separated, you will always find your way back to one another in the end. Fletch, I really think you are simply scared because you really care for her. My advice is to take it slow and let it develop at a pace that you are both comfortable with, and if it's meant to be, well, it will."
"Great, now I'm even more confused than ever. Thanks for the talk, though."
I spent the rest of the ride thinking about everything that happened today and what Abby had said. Amazingly when I thought about it, she was right. It has been a long time since I had a real relationship, and it didn't end well, which is the biggest reason I don't trust anyone. I'm not sure of much right now, but I'm pretty sure I want to give things with Lexa a real chance. I think she has pretty much destroyed the walls I have built up over the past years. Even if our relationship isn't meant to be, I think she is what I need right now. But, like Abby said, we aren't guaranteed tomorrow, so we should live in the moment and do what feels right.
It is around ten when we make it back to camp, and there really aren't many people around. I would love to just carry her back to the room without waking her, but that would look a little suspicious, so instead, I lean over and kiss her on the cheek to wake her up. When she opens her eyes, I smile and say, "we are back, babe. We need to unload the bikes and ATV, then take the rest of the stuff to our room. Do you think you can wake up enough for that?"
She just smiles and says, "sure, I can help with that."
