Chapter 21: Ash

I am so confused. I woke up this morning in an empty bed. Lex is in the shower and has been there for a while. I'm not sure what happened last night. One minute we were making out like teenagers. It was terrific, but then my head got in the way, and I pulled away like I always do. I tried to explain to Lexa that it wasn't her, but I'm not sure she believes me. After five years, I don't know why I still can't get over what Callie did to me. Even worse, I don't understand why I can't just open up to Lexa and let her know. Maybe then she will be able to understand. Whatever, we need to get going.

I knocked on the door to see if everything was okay and said she would be out in a minute. When she comes out, I can't help but stare at her. She looks fantastic in her new clothes. She smiles back, but it doesn't reach her eyes. I can feel her pulling away. I asked her what is wrong, but she says we will talk on the ride into town. Great! I get a quick shower, and then we are off.

I tell her it is time she learns to drive the jeep and throw her the keys. She scares me a little at first, but then she gets the hang of it. She tells me she doesn't feel good about the mission, and I agree with her. However, I tell her I have a plan. When we get to the clinic, we go into Abby's office and talk. I tell everyone my plan and show Blake the map with the locations. He agrees it is a solid plan and said that he will head to the base to talk to Jared about backup for us.

That's when things get weird. Lexa asks Blake if she can ask him something, and when he says yes, she hesitates. It's like she doesn't want to ask in front of Abby and me. I just stand there like an idiot until Abby says she needs to show me something. Blake and Lexa walk out of the room and head out of the clinic. I wonder what she needs to talk to him about. Why can't she speak to me about whatever it is?

Abby says, "Earth to Ash. What's going on in your head?"

"I am trying to figure out what Lexa needs to talk to Blake about. What is it that she can't talk to me?"

She laughs at me, "You know, you can be clueless sometimes."

"I'm glad you find this funny. What do you mean, I'm clueless?"

"Think about it, Ash. What did you come back the other night to talk to me about?"

"What, you mean when I was rambling on about my feelings for Lexa...ooh. I see now. You're right. I am clueless. I bet this has to do with last night."

"What happened last night?"

"I'd rather not go into details, but we may have been making out some when I let my head get in the way, and I pulled away. I know I'm confusing her, hell I'm confusing myself, but I just can't get over the past."

"Look, Ash, I know you've been hurt before, but you can't let that keep you from being happy. I know you care for Lexa, so why not just be open with her and let her in completely. I know you don't trust anyone, but didn't you tell me that you trust her?"

"I did, and I do trust her, but once I open the door to my heart, I don't know if I will be able to shut it again. What I do know is that I can't take someone crushing it again. So how do I know she won't crush it just like Callie did?"

"Ash, you will never know unless you give her a chance. If you are scared, just imagine how she feels. Just give her a chance."

"Thanks, Abby. I will try."

I walk outside to see Blake and Lexa hugging. What's that about? They both say it's nothing, whatever. I asked Lexa if she wanted to go for steak and then shopping. She said yes to the steak, but she would pass on shopping until I said we would be shopping for weapons, and then she changed her mind.

We grab a fantastic lunch and then go shopping for some weapons. I want to buy Lexa some better blades and guns before our next mission, plus we needed a purple flare and some silencers. This mission was going to be different from the last one, and we will need to be quiet and efficient. Therefore we need to be able to trust our weapons.

First, we go see a guy about some blades. You can never have enough sharp objects, in my opinion. I showed Lexa the ones that I liked to carry and told her this mission would rely on stealth so we would be up close and personal using blades as much as possible. She said she understood. As I picked out a couple of boot knives for myself, I just stood back and watched her, giving her space to find her own style.

As I watched her, I couldn't help but think how beautiful she was and how much I was beginning to care about her. First, she picked up four double-bladed daggers, two boot knives, a k-bar, some throwing knives, and then picked up this long staff-looking thing that had curved blades on each end and could be detached from the middle to make it become two swords. I was intrigued by this last pick, but I just continued to watch. Next, she walked over to where there were various types of sheaths for knives and swords. She chose a carbon fiber sheath for the swords made to hang tight between her shoulder blades and down her spine. Then she picked up a belt holster for two of the daggers and then forearm bands for the other two.

Suddenly, she notices the body armor and begins trying on different styles. Finally, she decides to go with one made of Kevlar and coated with black carbon fiber that fits like a sleeveless shirt. She then tried on what looked like tight leather pants, but they seemed to have some sort of plates made into them. She even made the guy give her a demonstration by putting one on a mannequin and letting her shoot it with a handgun and then a rifle. Then she took a pair of pants and started stabbing them with the sword. After the demonstration, she picked up two of each of them and walked over to where I was sitting, just watching her shop. I stood up, and she handed me one of the body armor shirts and a pair of pants. I couldn't believe how light they were. It was a good choice. It was lightweight and easy to move in, plus it covered your entire torso, unlike the ones we wore in the valley. I smiled at her and pointed to the sword, and said, "That's an interesting choice."

She gave me an adorable smirk and said, "I may have been watching some old Samurai movies when you aren't around, and the swords look cool. Besides, you said we need stealth, and I'm excellent with swords. Plus, I prefer hand-to-hand combat over guns any day."

I laughed at her and said, "Whatever you want, babe, whatever you want. You done? We still need to see a guy about some guns before we meet back up with Blake."

"Yep, I'm done, and I defer to you when it comes to guns."

When we get to my gun guy, I pick up four Sig Sauer P226's with holsters, four Beretta Nano with boot holsters, and two HK MP7a1 submachine guns with suppressors. In addition, I picked up two M107 Sniper Rifles for me and two CQBR Carbines. I also pick up a ton of ammo. You never know how much you will need.

As we were loading the jeep, Lexa looked at me and said, "Thanks, Ash. I enjoyed that shopping a lot better than the last trip."

I couldn't help but laugh at her and said, "Anytime, babe. I enjoyed watching you, especially when you tried on that tight body armor. You looked so hot in it!" She turned red at that and got in the jeep.

It was a short ride back to the clinic, where Blake was waiting with good news. Jared said they would do as I asked and place an extract team in the mountains and watch by drone. We said our goodbyes and headed back to base to go over the plan with Reed and his partner Jose.