Breaking his walls

I opened my eyes and it took me a while before I could understand where I was, and why. I was waking up at the Hospital Wing. My memory was blurred, but I could remember arriving at Dumbledore's office very weak, having been carried by Remus for the last hundred meters, up from the school corridors to the circular room, and I could not recall more than a few seconds after entering there.

The cut in my left arm was carefully wrapped in bandages that circled it all the way around.

Madam Pomfrey bustled into the room. 'You're awake! Oh, darling, for heaven's sake, you gave us a fright last night!'

'Good Morning, Madam Pomfrey. Last night? Oh, good. I was afraid I had been here for too long. I have classes tomorrow, see. Thank you for this' I pointed at the hidden cut.

'Oh, dear, I did nothing of that. It was all Severus. You should've seen it... I had never seen him worried like that. But he is a resourceful wizard, he is... identified the venom and the antidote incantations straight away, and didn't rest until he made sure you were alright. I don't think he left your side until dawn! Ah, if it wasn't for him... oh, but let's not talk about that now. I'll bring you breakfast, and you should be free to leave by noon. You will need bandage change daily for a couple of weeks, though. That kind of wound can't be easily healed by magic, see'.

After a while she brought me a full breakfast tray, that I ate in silence. One single thought reverberating in my mind. Not only does he already own my heart, but I also own that man my life now. Great, Jane. You should win a prize called The Most At-His-Feet Witch.

...

Remus and Albus came to see me during the morning, both looking worried-sick but also relieved to see me well-recovered.

After lunch, I went back to my chambers, took a warm bath and lighted the grate in the mantelpiece. My head was still spinning. Midafternoon, the knock on the door I was longing to hear reached my ears. 'Come in'. Snape opened it and stepped inside, his face uneasy. He had barely closed the door behind him and I had already run and thrown my arms around him. My face hidden in his neck, I tried my best not to start sobbing. After a moment of hesitation, he wrapped my waist in his arms too.

'I went to see you in the Hospital Wing and I was told you had already left' he let go of me, and I could tell he was trying not to be too emotive, his voice was grave 'but that's a good sign. The fact that you woke up so soon means the venom didn't penetrate too deep. You should recover completely until the end of the month'.

'T-thank you. Madam Pomfrey told me what you did for me' he widened his eyes, embarrassed 'I was very lucky to have you around, Severus'.

The last words seemed to poke a hidden rage inside him.

'I told you you shouldn't have got involved in this rescue missions... What if I was not around? It's unreasonable that you should risk yourself for a bunch of magical objects, honestly…'

'Oh, drop it' I smiled and rested my head on his chest. He didn't step away, but also didn't relax his body. After a few seconds, he continued, his voice stern again 'I came to change your arm's bandages'.

I suddenly felt very embarrassed. I though he had come to check on me and I was acting like a love fool, when he was actually there for another reason.

'Thank you, but I can change them myself, really…'

'No, you can't. I'm also here to explain this to you. The dagger was imbued with Lamya venom. You were fortunate that it wasn't more than a superficial injury. There's no drinking antidote for this creature's poison, it can be only treated by an ancient incantation which, luckily, I know how to perform. It has to be repeated every day, until its completely mended'.

'Oh, wow, ok. But you can teach me how to do it today, then, so I'll be able to do it by my…'

'Nonsense. You can't perform it without both of your hands. I'll come each evening and carry it out' I reckon a snigger appeared on my face, for he hastily added 'as I was instructed to'.

'Alright. Let's do this, then'.

We sat side by side in the small sofa. He kept a straight face while I freed my left arm from my mauve silk dressing gown, revealing the see-through pearl silk night dress underneath. He seemed prepared to deal with that kind of distraction this time.

He delicately unrolled the patch. My mouth fell open. Where I expected to see an ordinary cut starting to heal, I saw a nasty fissure blotched in green, blue and purple all around it.

'I told you' his voice was serious, but his face suggested he was finding my astonishment amusing. 'We'll have in cleaned first'. He dabbed the wound with a lemongrass scented unguent. Then raised both hands a palm distance from my skin, his wand secured in his right one, and started muttering something that sounded like a song. I felt a prickling sensation and the colored spots around the cut grew fainter. After a minute or so, he lowered his hands. 'That's enough for today', and then carefully wrapped my arm in a new bandage.

'Thank you, Severus' I placed my right hand in his thigh and gently pressed my forehead against his shoulder, my eyes closed. He drew a deep breath and suddenly the air was electric. I could sense he was feeling it too. I tightened my hand, that was only resting on his thigh, in a slightly firmer grip. He stood up briskly.

'I'll come again tomorrow after your classes' his voice was firm.

Clearly, I was pushing his boundaries too hard. Unless I stepped back a little, I would never have him around for more than a few minutes.

I reckon you should just give up, Jane.

But I knew I wouldn't.

...

It turned out that my strategy worked. During the following week, I did my best to act friendly and politely towards him, stowing away my urges to touch him and tease him. I made sure to dress properly. He came every evening to heal me, and little by little, he started lowering his walls.

By next weekend, he would accept a cup of tea every day after changing my bandages and would stay for at least half an hour chatting with me. In the beginning, we would just talk about the classes and the students that were excelling or having trouble. We then started to talk about how Hogwarts was when we studied there (I started at the school three years after he graduated) and we had a lot of fun telling the odd events that happened in our days as students. I had never seen him roaring with laughter. It was the best sight ever. As much as all of this just made me fall deeper in love than I already was, I was convincing myself that that was the way things were bound to be. Screw my aching heart. We would be friends, and at least I would have him around.

'I can't believe Slughorn fell for that!' it was Sunday, and Snape had just finished recounting a hilarious story about a potions class in his sixth year. 'More tea?' I refilled his cup 'he didn't teach me, you know, Slughorn… I started right after he retired, I had potions…'

'With me' he grinned 'I remember well. We always remember the talented ones, you'll see. And you were one of the best of your year' my cheeks felt suddenly very hot. He carried on, his smile fading away 'we were all very worried about you on your last year. It was a terrible thing, what happened to you. Your parents… a tragedy. They were very admired and respected by the magical community'.

I opened my mouth, but my voice failed. I closed it, then opened it once more and tried again.

'Thank you for saying that' I raised my eyes to meet his 'I never forgot what you did for me, you know. It was really thoughtful'.

'Well, it was probably the only time I helped out a Gryffindor' he sniggered.

'Ha! So you admit it!' I howled 'you recognize your detriment of Gryffindors…'

'Did I ever hid it?' he raised one eyebrow.

'Not really' I sneered and continued 'but I'm still grateful, anyway. It certainly revealed a side of you I didn't know about... a kind one. Made me look at you in a different way. I reckon that was when I started…' I quickly remembered that was a forbidden subject 'so… how is the Slytherin quidditch team for the…'

'I know' he cut in.

'I'm sorry?'

'I know it was when you started your… crush. On me. Hiding your feelings has never been your best ability' he smiled at the mug in his hands.

'Well… yes' I replied after a moment 'but it was really just an innocent thing by then, I was seventeen, I didn't…' and, once more remembering that what I was about to say was out of bounds, I hastily added 'Oh, I hadn't realized how dark it is already, let me light the torches…'

'You didn't what, you were saying?'

Dammit.

'I didn't… I didn't think about you by then in the same way that I do now'

'What do you mean?'

Seriously, Severus?

'Ah… I meant… well, I… it wasn't so… erotic' I hid my face in my mug and turned my eyes to the fire, very aware of my flushed cheeks. I heard his breath heaving, and I knew he was still looking at me. That damn electricity in the air again. But this time it wasn't my fault, alright?

After a while, he spoke again.

'Jane, listen' his voice was tender, but firm 'I've made mistakes in the past. Dreadful mistakes, with terrible consequences, which were what opened my eyes and made me renounce the Dark magical forces' he made a pause, then continued 'when I came back, Albus welcomed me with his arms opened, and I swore to be loyal to him. I also committed myself to dedicate the rest of my life to fight the Dark powers. That is why I can't… I can't correspond to your feelings. I can't have a relationship, a family, because I might not be there for them at some point. And I wouldn't hurt anyone like that. Let alone you'.

The problem was that these words were only making me sank in desperate passion for this man. My chest was overflowing with agony, with forgiveness, with desire. The urge to glue my body to his right away was almost unendurable. He probably foresaw that, for the next second he was standing up, wishing me good night and leaving the room.