Castiel's nightmare terrified him more than he would ever admit to Dean. Even as the human comforted him and slept next to him, Cas couldn't fall back asleep. He pretended for Dean's sake, but his mind was too wired now for rest. The poison seemed to have mostly worn off, the only residual effects being a slightly upset stomach and the nightmares, obviously.
Nightmares of Dean dying and Cas not being able to save him. Nightmares of the human's bloody, broken body sprawled out on a cold ground. Nightmares that made the angel scream out in anguish and sob from grief.
He couldn't bear it if he accidentally woke Dean up by screaming or, worse, lashing out and hurting him again.
So instead Cas tried to focus his thoughts on calmer things. He rolled over in bed to face Dean so he could admire the human's face. His sun-kissed skin and freckles that spanned across the bridge of his nose and onto his high-arched cheeks; his incredibly soft looking hair that Cas thought would look better a bit more grown out; his peaceful expression that highlighted his eyelashes; Dean Winchester was a gorgeous creation that Cas wouldn't mind admiring for the rest of forever.
At some point, though, he must have dozed off, because the next thing Cas knew he was blinking open his eyes to the sight of a slightly disgruntled looking Dean. The human was flailing an arm around at the bedside table, trying to turn off an alarm on his phone.
"Ugh, I totally forgot I even set that," he mumbled, voice still thick with sleep.
Dean's face was now smushed into his pillow, a tiny bit of drool escaping through his partially opened mouth. Cas thought he looked adorable.
"I just want five more minutes of sleep. Is that so much to ask for?" Dean complained into his pillow.
"What, is the usual four hours not enough for you?" Cas joked, moving so that he was now lying on his back and facing the ceiling. "I know you are not exactly a normal human, but you are still human, Dean. Taking care of yourself is important."
"It's too early for a lecture," Dean protested half-heartedly. "I guess you must be feeling better, though, if you're back to criticizing me."
"I am not criticizing you," Cas said, turning his head to look over at Dean. "I care about your health."
"You worry too much," Dean mumbled dismissively. "I'm fine."
Cas did worry. He worried a lot. Especially after those nightmares.
"I really am okay, Cas," Dean said more seriously after opening his eyes and seeing the angel's expression. "I know things are complicated right now; they always seem to be. But now that we're... together... I feel happier than I have in a long time."
Dean reached a hand over and squeezed Cas's arm reassuringly. In response, the angel smiled and rolled over to face the human again. He moved close enough to plant a soft kiss on Dean's forehead, then another on his lips. Dean reciprocated and deepened the kiss, which gave Cas enough confidence to crawl on top of the human so that he was straddling him.
In this new position, the angel was made very aware of how much Dean was enjoying himself. The situation was getting more intense than Cas originally intended, but he didn't mind. Although, perhaps this was something the two should talk about before going any further.
"Dean," Cas breathed against the human's mouth. "Are you... do you..." he couldn't find the right words. "We've never... I've never done this before."
Dean pulled back slightly at that, looking confused. "We've kissed multiple times, Cas," he said pointedly. "I know you haven't kissed that many people before me, but you're still pretty good."
The angel flushed, "I... um, thanks. But that's not what I mean."
Dean squinted, still perplexed. Then his eyes widened in sudden understanding.
"You've never been with... a guy before?" Dean asked.
Cas slowly nodded and felt a little embarrassed all of a sudden. "I only had sex once, with a woman. Well, technically she was a reaper but that's beside the point. Anyways, that experience was very eye-opening, but not... um... not really applicable here," the angel rambled on, feeling nervous.
"Right," Dean said.
He sat up in bed on his elbows and Cas moved off his lap to sit next to him.
"Have you... been with a guy before?" Cas questioned shyly.
Dean shrugged noncommittally. "I've fooled around," he answered vaguely. "Nothing serious, though."
"Okay, but... I mean... I'm not... I love you, Dean. I wanna be with you. I just... I'm not human. I don't know how the experience will be for me."
"Right," Dean said. "Well, we can try, if you wanna. Or not. I mean, I'm ready if you are. But if you're not, that's cool too."
Cas nodded and then let out a deep breath. "I mean... we've only been together for like a week now."
"That's true," Dean agreed. "But I've been in love with you for years, man. And, correct me if I'm wrong about this, but I think you've been in love with me for a long time too."
"I have," Cas admitted. "I just... Humans are made for love. Angels... aren't. It took me a long time to get to where I am now and I feel like I'm just beginning to understand what it really means to be in love with someone. It's... it's a lot."
"So we can wait," Dean said, giving the angel a gentle smile. "There's no rush, Cas."
"Is that what you want, though?"
"I want you," Dean said sincerely. "As long as I have you, I'm okay with everything else."
"Even if... even if I won't be able to feel things like you?"
"I know how you feel about me, Cas. I know you love me. And that's enough. It's more than enough."
The angel wasn't so sure but he didn't argue. He loved Dean. He knew he was in love with the human. Cas just couldn't quite put the way he felt about Dean into words. It was more than love; it was so much more.
But even if he felt so strongly attached to Dean on an emotional level, how exactly did he feel about the human from a physical standpoint?
On a surface level, he thought Dean was attractive. As an angel, he could appreciate true beauty—and Dean Winchester was nothing if not beautiful.
But though Cas absolutely adored Dean and cherished every moment and experience he got to spend with the human, and though he felt deeply devoted to him, did that amount to a sexual kind of passion that humans felt for each other?
The angel didn't know.
He greatly enjoyed kissing Dean and cuddling with him and physical contact with the human in general, but that was how Cas tried to show his love. He certainly felt affection and a rush of dopamine by just having his arms wrapped around Dean, but did he feel a physical excitement when the two were being at least semi-intimate?
Once again, Cas didn't know.
So far he was plenty content with the hugging and cuddling and kissing. Perhaps in the future he'd feel different and be bold enough to try something more, but for now Cas was happy with what the two currently had.
He really hoped that Dean was happy as well, and not just for Cas's sake.
The angel watched as Dean got out of bed—seeing the human without any pants on was a mild shock—and stepped out of Cas's room to get ready for the day. Meanwhile, Cas himself changed from his comfortable sweatpants back into his dress slacks and exchanged his casual shirt for a clean white button-up that was in his dresser. He was a bit surprised that Dean would think of getting that for him, but at the same time he knew the human was very thoughtful in general, even if he wasn't always great at expressing his feelings aloud.
For shoes he had to settle for the pair that Dean let him borrow. Cas considered zapping out to find a new pair, but figured Dean might get upset if he came back to find the angel randomly gone. Then again, Cas could just leave him a note.
Before he could make a decision about the matter, Sam stepped into the room.
"Mornin'," he said. "Dean tells me you're feeling better today."
Cas nodded, "I think the poison's mostly out of my system now, yes. I feel strong enough to take us all to the auction."
"That's great, Cas. It's being held in this swanky hotel tonight. If we get there an hour or so before the event starts we should be able to sneak into the back area and take the box."
"Do you know the layout of the building, though?" Cas asked. "Or if there will be any security around the box?"
"I was able to hack into some cameras from the hotel and from what I could see it looked like all the items waiting to be auctioned tonight are being held in a room behind the auction stage area. I dunno about security," Sam answered.
"Well, either way we'll have to be cautious. I can get us into the room and back out of it, but we'll need to be prepared if anyone happens to be there waiting for us."
Sam nodded. "Chances are that if there is any security they'll be human, so you can probably just knock them out with your angel mojo. In case any angels decide to join the party we'll have our blades on us."
"You ready?" Dean said, popping his head in the doorway.
His shortly cropped brown hair was still damp from showering, Cas noticed. Dean was wearing a black and blue flannel over a black undershirt and dark wash jeans. He had a pair of black combat boots on to complete the look.
"I thought the auction wasn't until tonight," Cas said, tilting his head slightly. "It's only eight-thirty."
"Right, but I was thinking we could maybe do a little exploring," Dean said excitedly. "Sam and I have never been to New York. Who knows what we've been missing out on."
"Ah," Cas said. "Well, I've visited a few times and in my experience the state is filled with over-crowded interstates and an alarming number of yearly homicides. New York City is also known for its inhabitants' opioid addictions."
"Oh," Dean replied dejectedly. "I mean, I've always wanted to try snorting coke," he added with a smirk.
"Dean," Cas admonished while Sam gave his older brother an alarmed look.
"Oh, come on, guys. We've spent so long worrying about the fate of the world that we've hardly had any time to enjoy it. After we get this box situation sorted out we can finally relax. But, until then, we might as well enjoy a little free time before the auction."
"By potentially starting an addiction to a volatile illegal substance?" Cas said with narrowed eyes.
"Okay, well, maybe not that," Dean answered sheepishly. "But you get my point."
"Can you even get high?" Sam asked Cas, sounding genuinely intrigued.
That was a good question. Cas had to consume large quantities of alcohol to even get tipsy, but he'd never dabbled with illegal substances.
"I'm not sure," the angel responded. "I haven't tried, I guess."
"I know what we're doing in New York!" Dean exclaimed, sounding way too enthusiastic for Cas's liking.
"Wait, didn't you meet some alternate version of me that was a stoner?" Cas said. "Didn't you say that you preferred this version of me to that one?"
"That Cas was human," Dean reminded the angel. "And there were other things I didn't like about him. Anyways, I'm not saying you should try anything hardcore."
"This is a terrible idea," Cas said, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. "I still have angels on my tail, Dean. We can't risk getting caught while we're off galavanting around the city-side. If I use my abilities—which I'll need to in order to zap us there—they'll probably find out. We have to limit our presence to the auction site and get in and out as fast as possible."
"We have to deal with the angels eventually anyhow, otherwise they'll just keep being a pain in the ass," Dean argued, crossing his arms. "What do they even want from you?"
"I thought they wanted me to help them rebuild Heaven, but I think they're after something. When I got... drugged last night, I think they tried to get information out of me. I was too sick to comprehend much of what was said, though," Cas answered.
"Maybe you shouldn't go tonight," Sam suggested, looking worried. "It's warded in here so you'll be safe. You can transport Dean and me to the auction and we'll get the box and then one of us can call you and you can bring us back here."
"I thought we agreed that splitting up was a bad idea," Cas said, his gaze flicking between the two brothers.
Sam shrugged and looked to Dean for input. The eldest Winchester huffed out a breath and said, "It might be safer if Sam and I go alone. If we need help I'll pray."
"All right," Cas said reluctantly. "I don't want to put you guys in any extra danger by being there, so I guess this is probably the best option."
Dean uncrossed his arms and clasped his hands together in front of him. "Great! Now, Sammy and I would still like to do some sight-seeing before the auction tonight. Right, Sam?"
"Um, I guess so," Sam replied, giving Dean a suspicious look. "But isn't it kinda rude for us to leave Cas alone all day?"
"I'm sure he doesn't mind. Do you, Cas?" Dean asked him, his expression unreadable.
"Uh..." the angel replied. "I guess not. Just let me know when you need to be at the auction and I'll pop in to zap you there."
"Awesome!" Dean grinned. "Today's gonna be great!"
Sam didn't know what to make of his brother's sudden shift in attitude. Dean usually always wanted Cas to go with them on missions, or even just for stupid shit like trips to the bar. Even before the two admitted their feelings for each other, they'd always been very noticeably close.
Now Dean couldn't seem to get away from the angel fast enough.
"Ditching Cas back there was kinda rude, man," Sam said as the two walked down a side street in a suburb of NYC.
"I know," Dean said, sounding abruptly exhausted.
Sam glanced over at his brother and narrowed his eyes. "You know?" he repeated, not understanding. "Then why'd you act like a dick to him?"
"Something... happened this morning," Dean answered, looking a little embarrassed for some reason. "We were kissing in bed and then he straddled me—"
"Whoa, okay. I didn't need to know that," Sam interrupted with an awkward laugh.
"Sorry," Dean said. "Anyways, we started talking about... um... y'know... sex and things. And he said that angels don't feel things like humans do."
"Yeah...?" Sam said, not liking where this conversation seemed to be going.
"Well, I just... What if he's not attracted to me like that, Sam? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for what we have together, but what if he just... y'know..." Dean trailed off and scratched the back of his neck nervously.
"Have you asked him if he is?" Sam said, giving Dean a pointed look.
"Not exactly," Dean answered, sounding sheepish. "He said he wanted to go slow and I said I was okay with that. And I am."
"So... what exactly is the problem, then?"
"What if his feelings for me are only romantic, Sam? What if he doesn't have... y'know, any sexual feelings for me?"
"Would that change how you feel about him?" Sam asked, not answering Dean's rhetorical question.
"I... I don't think so," Dean said, frowning down at the sidewalk. "I... it's hard to explain, I guess. Our relationship isn't normal, Sammy. He left a handprint on my soul—literally. I can't not love him. We've been through too much together."
"So there's your answer," Sam said simply. "You'll figure things out, man. You guys always do."
Cas tried to shrug off Dean's odd behavior. After he zapped the two Winchesters to NYC, the angel found himself aimlessly wandering around the bunker thinking about the human he'd fallen in love with.
Dean made Cas a mixtape a few years prior, a gift that the angel still had tucked away in his trench-coat. It was something Cas cherished deeply and eventually inspired him to make a gift of his own for Dean.
Between the Chuck issue and another end-of-the-world type scenario that was unfolding at the time, Cas was never able to finish making the gift. But now, since he had an entire day to himself, he finally could.
In the brief time that Cas was human, he'd found a particular knack for poetry. He'd read quite a bit of it and even wrote a few poems himself. As an angel, the art of writing was a bit lost on him. Of course Metatron gave him knowledge about books and novels, but knowing about something and understanding the meaning behind something wasn't the same.
But now Cas had been practicing his poetry skills for over a year and he had almost completed a poem for Dean.
He wasn't sure how much the human even knew about poetry and what counted as "good" and "bad" prose, but he tried his best to create something to symbolize their journey together thus far. The poem was from Cas's perspective, starting with him pulling Dean out of Hell and ending with him appearing in a motel room after Dean pulled him out of the Empty.
By the time Cas made a final revision of his piece, it was late afternoon. The angel had also taken time earlier in the day to clean his blood-stained trench-coat and suit jacket. He felt awkward without the additional articles of clothing on, so before he called to check in on Sam and Dean he finished dressing.
Cas called Dean first but it went to voicemail after five rings. Next he called Sam.
"Hey, Cas," Sam said on the first ring.
"Where's Dean?" the angel asked. "When do you two need to be at the auction?"
"Not for another couple hours. Dean's picking us up some food right now. I'm just sitting on a bench in Central Park."
"Okay. Call me when it's time."
"Will do, Cas."
And so Cas waited for another hour, occupying his time by cleaning up around the bunker. Dean's room was always a bit of a mess, what with the fast-food wrappers laying discarded on the floor and the heaps of dirty clothing also laying discarded on the floor.
The angel decided that though he enjoyed the human sleeping next to him at night, he wouldn't tolerate Dean's nonexistent cleaning habits. Of course Cas normally didn't even need to sleep, but he quite enjoyed watching over Dean while the human slept peacefully.
Yet another reason why Cas was anxious about this auction. He still very much thought of himself as a guardian angel for both of the Winchester brothers, and not being there with them to retrieve the box put him on edge. It was his duty to protect them. If they got hurt somehow and Cas wasn't able to heal them, he'd never be able to forgive himself.
They both meant far too much to him.
