Chapter 9
My dear Emma,
It was a joy to receive your letter along with your kind words of understanding towards me. To be honest I was a little worried about how you may perceive me after everything that had happened and if you would even want to talk to me again. It was a relief to think you not only wanted to talk but still wish to see me.
I write this letter not as your governess but as your friend and am disclosing things I might not have discussed with you in my previous role. I did not have a happy childhood. Highbury was the place I learnt about pleasure. I will admit that shall I be blessed with children, I would like them to have a home like the Woodhouse one, filled with laughter and mischief. It was there that I realized that even as a woman, I had much to offer the world and was deserving of friendship.
It was also the place I realized that I could aspire to more than just friendship, and love became a possibility. I might not have gotten the ending you foresaw for me, but I want to say that I am still hopeful for the future. I have taken a part of Highbury with me and will forever cherish what that town has done for me.
Coming to the topic of Mr. Knightley, I must agree with his statement that there are things you did not understand. I know you must feel hurt that there were things you were not privy too, but they might not be things you would understand or approve of. Just know that oftentimes it is our greatest wish to know everything but once we know, we wish for nothing more than to be able to turn back time and not know. Do not punish Mr. Knightley too much as the events causing an end to our engagement took its own toll on him.
In truth I was always envious of your closeness with Mr. Knightley and the way you two understood each other. There were times when I felt I was intruding with my presence and I would hate to think you have lost that friendship. I of course leave the final decision of your relationship with him in your hands
I have been thinking greatly on what you said regarding coming back to Highbury. It is a good thought and comforting to know I am wanted but then sometimes isn't it better to think of something fondly then to receive what we wished for and it turns out not to be what we had wanted at all? I am afraid my returning would be like that. We had such happy times and fun memories, but the past can never be recaptured and with an uncertain future, I would be nothing but a burden.
I just ask that regardless of what happens, you think of me fondly and remember the happier times. I will wait for your letter and will always be your friend if you choose to see me as such.
With love,
Anne Taylor
Emma slowly sipped her tea as she re-read the letter feeling even more confused than she had been before. The letter created more questions while not answering even one. Why would she assume that Emma would not want to continue their friendship? In her last letter, Emma had written that she held Jake responsible for ending the engagement so why would she think that Emma would suddenly change her mind after the fact.
The part about Ms. Taylor's unhappy childhood was not something she had directly talked about in the past, but Emma had suspected it anyways. This was mostly due to multiple conversations about how the Woodhouse family was very different from her own and how glad she had been to have found this position.
As was happening with alarming frequency, Emma's mind shifted to Jake. It was disconcerting to read that Ms. Taylor had been in love with Jake. Neither of them had ever acted like she had imagined a couple in love would. What do I know about being in love anyways? Apparently, Ms. Taylor had been in love with Jake while he had clearly been unhappy. Everything regarding Jake seemed to be an enigma. The topic of love and marriage had always been accompanied with giggles and teasing in the past, but Emma was beginning to realize it was a lot more complicated than she had realized. It was a wonder people managed to get married at all.
Emma sighed in frustration about the lack of clarity. The letter clearly tried to dissuade Emma asking more questions, but it just added to her questions and confusion. Besides, it was not in Emma's nature to not get to the bottom of things. Even with the constant warnings from everyone she still wanted to know. Perhaps because everyone kept telling her not to ask, she wanted to ask even more. Besides, it would help her better understand the recent changes in Jake.
As if being conjured from her thoughts, Jake Knightley suddenly stood at the entrance of the sitting room. The two stared at each other silently, both lost in their own thoughts, both trying to determine when this giant chasm was created between them and how to absolve it.
Jake finally cleared his throat before venturing into the room, "Emma, may I join you for some tea?"
"My father is not at home right now," Emma replied automatically as she slowly stood upon his entrance.
"Yes, I am aware," Jake acknowledged. "I was hoping to speak with you. We did not get a moment to have a private conversation during our meeting the other day."
"I was not aware we had anything to discuss," Emma said with a raised eyebrow.
Jake let out a loud sigh, choosing to ignore this comment. "How did you enjoy the impromptu tea party?" Jake asked instead.
Usually this would be all the opening Emma would need before launching into a lengthy discussion of her thoughts and impressions regarding the tea party. But her thoughts were completely jumbled and the one question she wanted to ask about Jake's interest in Jane Fairfax was lodged in her throat.
"It was quiet the coincidence to see you in town midday," Emma finally replied. "You usually avoid going into town then as you feel it takes too long to get your tasks done."
Jake gave a rueful laugh, "I got tied up with an issue with one of my tenants and could not get to town any sooner."
"So, it was not due to any particular appointment you wanted to keep," Emma asked, trying to appear nonchalant.
"Not at all," Jake replied with an emphatic shake of his head, "I was just heading back when I ran into Ms. Bates and Miss. Fairfax. They were on the way to the bakery for some tea and biscuits and invited me along. I needed to come back, but it would have been the height of rudeness to decline."
Emma gave a slight smile, aware of Jake's aversion to appearing rude or telling people no. The smile triggered a similar response in Jake, and he gave her an answering smile. Emma could not think of anything further to say as they sat in awkward silence.
"What were you doing to occupy your time this morning?" Jake finally asked after a few moments had passed, clearly trying to keep the general conversation going.
Emma looked down at the letter still in her hand. She slowly folded the letter and placed it beside herself before looking directly at Jake defiantly, "I was reading a letter I received from Ms. Taylor."
It was clear that was not the answer Jake was expecting, but he just murmured, "I see. I hope she is well."
Jakes reply completed snapped Emma out of the fog she was just in. "You hope she is well?" Emma cried, "how could she be well when she has had to return to her family home in shame. Her parents were not kind to her growing up and she had been so glad to have found a home where she was accepted as part of the family and not made to feel a burden."
"And you blame me for her having to return?" Jake stated softly.
"Yes, Mr. Knightley," Emma said just as softly. "is there someone else I should blame instead? Someone else I can hold responsible?"
Jake stood up in agitation and wandered towards the window. "How about you lay some blame where it belongs, with Ms. Taylor."
Now Emma stood up too. She could feel the anger and frustration coursing through her body. It took great effort to keep her voice even as she replied, "what should I blame on Ms. Taylor exactly?"
Jake turned from the window to face Emma again. He studied her silently for a few moments before sighing, "Emma, you are young and innocent. I do not wish to rob you of that. I am trying to protect you. Can't you understand that?"
"I am young and innocent?" Emma gave a bitter laugh, "you mean I am young and foolish. I am foolish to think I could trust you. Perhaps you are right, and I should not have trusted Ms. Taylor either. She also alludes to some deep dark secrets that I am too young and silly to know about."
Emma turned away not wanting him to see the hurt his words caused, "I believe I am almost finished with my tea. If there is nothing further, you may wait for my father in his study, Mr. Knightley."
"Emma, I do not think you are foolish," Jake began.
Emma snorted at Jakes words. "Pray remember that you are the one who sought me out," Emma interrupted hotly. "If the only thing you wish to say is how young and innocent I am, then I am not interested."
"I sought you out, so we could talk. Is there nothing else we could discuss?" Jake ran his hands through his hair in frustration, "I wish I could, but I do not think you are ready to hear the whole story," Jake replied stubbornly.
"Fine, I am not ready for the whole story," Emma retorted in anger. "You want to talk about something else? Let's talk about why you stiffen in anger at the mere mention of Mr. Churchill's father? I did not even know you were well acquainted with Lieutenant Weston and now it is as though he is your sworn enemy."
Emma watched Jake stiffen in anger at her question. She paused a few moments to allow Jake to respond but all he did was shake his head.
When it was clear he was not going to say anything further, Emma continued the taunt, her words quiet but deliberate, "Does this have to do with your need for control? You did not like the thought of Mr. Churchill possibly showing interest in me. I went for a simple walk with the gentleman and you talked to my father about not allowing that." She knew she was being unfair and could clearly see the mounting anger, but her own emotions prevented her from thinking about the wisdom of her actions. "Was the friendship between Ms. Taylor and Mr. Weston not to your liking? You wanted to be able to control your affianced' s every action."
"Oh, how little you think of me, Madam. It is good to know that after a lifetime of friendship, these are the opinions you hold of me," Jake gave out a bitter laugh. "You think I could not allow my fiancé a mere friendship? You think that is what this is about?" Jake strode forward so he was standing directly in front of Emma.
Jake was a proud man and Emma's accusations had clearly pushed him over the edge with anger. The man in front of her was not the controlled Jake she was used to seeing and he scared her in his intensity. Jake was breathing heavily as he clutched Emma's arm as if to shake her. Emma wanted to take back her words and she opened her mouth to apologize but Jake was already continuing before she could say anything.
"You think Mr. Weston and your precious Ms. Taylor were simply friends? They were a lot more than just friends, Miss. Woodhouse. They were lovers. Is that what you desperately wanted to hear? Your governess that you looked up to, that was meant to teach you and guide you about what was right and wrong, was having an affair."
The shock at his words was instant. Emma wanted to yell at him to stop saying such things, but not a word came out and instead she just stood in silence shaking her head no.
Jake was not finished, but his anger seemed to be spent. He closed his eyes as he continued with a bitter laugh, "Emma you think you are so worldly. They were lovers before we met and were lovers perhaps the entire time we were engaged. I was the idiot who did not realize and did not see."
Emma wanted to scream at Jake to stop spewing such hateful lies.
"How dare you… how could you… accuse… imply," Emma stuttered, not able to finish a single thought or sentence.
"I am not merely implying anything. I am stating what was. Is that what you so desperately wanted to hear, Emma? Did that give you the satisfaction you were seeking?" This Jake was bitter and cruel. He wanted her to feel the hurt and to know the truth she had so desperately wanted to hear.
The taunt in Jake's words seemed to snap Emma out of her stupor. "I do not believe you. I do not believe Ms. Taylor capable of all that."
"Oh yes," Jake said with a bitter laugh, "you will believe me capable of telling lies. It has been decided I am the villain here against your fair maiden Ms. Taylor." Jake leaned in close as he hissed, "and yet she wasn't a maiden at all."
Emma did not even stop to think before her hand had slapped Jake forcefully against his cheek. The sound of the slap seemed to echo in the suddenly silent sitting room. It was not clear who was more shocked at this act, but both Emma and Jake seemed to have frozen in place, the only sound and movement was the rising and falling of their chests as they both breathed heavily after an outpouring of intense emotions. Emma slowly lowered her hand as she continued to stare at the silent man in front of her.
Emma could not stop her body from flinching as she saw Jake raise his hand towards her cheek. She stood still as he slowly brought his finger up to her cheek. Closing her eyes was the only reaction she could reveal but it did not protect her from Jakes finger as it slowly travelled over her cheek and down her neck to just above her neckline.
"I'm sorry. I should not have said that. But Emma, to think that this is not even half the story. If you are not able to hear even this much of the truth, how would you listen to all of it?"
"Mr. Knightley, I'm sorry. I'm just… sorry," Emma whispered. It was not clear if she was apologizing for the slap or for the betrayal. "I just… I do not understand… maybe there was a misunderstanding. Perhaps you thought you saw something that was not there. Ms. Taylor was not the type to have a sordid affair while engaged to a different man."
Jake just shook his head as he turned away, "there was nothing to misunderstand. She was with child and it very obviously was not mine." Emma's entire body flinched in shock, but words failed her. Jake finally cleared his throat, "I apologize for my anger. These were not things I should have discussed with you, regardless of the provocation. If you will excuse me, I shall take my leave now."
Emma blinked to try to stop the tears that threated to fall. "Mr. Knightley," she slowly called out, "when you told my father that day in the study that there was someone else. You were referring to Mr. Weston?"
Jake looked at Emma for a few seconds before slowly nodding. It was as if his every action was in slow motion and the act of turning and heading towards the door took considerable effort. Emma wanted to run after him and beg for his forgiveness for slapping him. It was unforgivably rude, especially when she had clearly provoked him into his anger. She wanted to yell at him that what he said could not possibly be true. Ms. Taylor could not do something like that. Emma would have known if there was someone else, if she was with child. Ms. Taylor would have said something or indicated in some way. In the end, she just stood silent as she watched him walk away.
