Chapter 11
"Would you like to partake in breakfast now, or wait until your brother and Mr. Elton have arrived?"
"Later should be fine."
Jake only had a little while before he was due to meet his brother John and the town vicar Mr. Elton, regarding an expansion project at the vicarage. Jake took an active role in all his investments and rarely sent his secretary in his stead, however this morning he wished he had declined the meeting or asked to meet at a different time. The lack of sleep and headache he was currently sporting made it difficult to concentrate on even menial tasks. He had been trying to read through some papers to prepare for the meeting, but his only thought was his last conversation with Emma.
His intent had been to sit with her and try to return things to their normal state. He was used to Emma greeting him with a wide smile and lively conversation, instead of the recent looks of disappointment and suspicion.
Jake growled in frustration at how he had reacted and the things he had said. Even if he had told Emma the reason for the broken engagement, he had not meant to do so in such a harsh manner. He was old enough to have recognized her deliberate attempts to provoke him but should have stood firm and calmly handled the situation. Instead, he had not only blurted out the truth about Anne and Mr. Weston but had kept pushing the point to get Emma to snap just as he had.
Jake finally shook his head and got up to at least clear out his mind before his meeting. "I think I will go out for a walk before they arrive," he mumbled as he headed towards the door.
It was a calm and sunny day, in complete contrast to the storm of emotions he was currently experiencing. Not even a gentle breeze was present to rustle the leaves and provide some support to his turbulent thoughts. The weather was taunting him with its pristine quality. Jake would have preferred a loud and violent thunderstorm with lightening and a torrential downpour but had to content himself with violently kicking a stone by his foot instead.
Jake picked up his pace to complete the entire circle around the property before Mr. Elton and his brother arrived. The meeting would probably take the rest of the morning if his past dealings with Mr. Elton were any indication. Jake generally had infinite amounts of patience and a high tolerance for spending the day discussing business matters.
Jake walked faster past the trees surrounding the pond that separated the Knightley and Woodhouse properties. Try as he might, he could not seem to outrun his own thoughts. He was lost in his inner conflict only to stop upon hearing a sound. It sounded like the mewling of kittens in the distance. Jake slowly looked around trying to determine the source of the sound. He knew that just a few feet through the trees were a clearing and the pristine pond that had been the point of joy and mischief over the years for both the Knightley brothers and Woodhouse sisters. The clear water, natural beauty, yet secluded locale made this an ideal spot for lazy swims and family picnics.
He cautiously walked towards the clearing towards the muffled sounds of someone mumbling to themselves. Jake would not normally hesitate to seek out who it was, but he could feel his hands growing clammy and his heartbeat speed up as a memory flitted through his head of standing in this same spot a little over a year ago, responding to the sound of someone crying only to end with an unexpected engagement.
Jake rushed through the woods without any hesitation to locate the source of the sound, and he slowly made his way towards the female figure with her knees to her chest, quietly sobbing into her arms.
"Ms. Taylor, what is wrong?" Jake softly asked as he knelt towards the Woodhouse governess.
A distraught Anne Taylor just shook her head, as she scrambled to try to stop her tears and act normal.
"Please, keep sitting. Tell me what is wrong? What has caused you so much distress?" Jake asked quietly.
Anne burst into tears again at this question, clearly not able to stop their flow. It was as though she had lost control over her emotions and her body shook with the strength of her feelings.
"He's… he's dead."
Jake slowly patted the grieving woman's shoulders, unsure how to comfort or console.
"Who is dead? Is it your family? Did you receive word from back home?"
Jake had known Anne Taylor for almost seven years as Emma's governess, but he did not know much about her. He did not even know if her parents were still alive or if she had other siblings.
Anne shook her head, as another sob tore through her body, "Nathan is dead… I mean, Lieutenant Weston."
Jake's eyes widened in shock, not expecting this level of anguish towards the army man. However, he did not show any outward reactions but just continued to pat her shoulder. "I'm sorry Ms. Taylor. I did not know him well, but I know he was a good man. No doubt, Highbury will feel this loss keenly."
Anne did not say anything for a few moments before finally choking out, "We were planning to marry. He asked me before he left, and I had accepted. We were going to announce it after he came back."
"Argh"
The frustrated yell followed by the sound of something being thrown in the water, snapped Jake back to the present. He shook his head to clear the memories as he cautiously made his way through the trees towards the pond. The pond was only a short distance from the walking path, but the surrounding trees gave it the illusion of complete privacy and solitude.
"Emma?" Jake called out as he spied her form near the water hurtling rocks into the calm water. He was careful about approaching as it was clear she was upset and would not appreciate the interruption. Since it was a very likely probability that he was the cause of the upset, he figured it would be prudent to be cautious.
Jake stopped and studied her as she threw another stone into the water with a frustrated cry. Emma was wearing a light blue walking dress that had dirt stains on the back as if she had been sitting on the ground for awhile. Emma had opened her braid, so her waist length blonde hair hung in soft curls down her back. He had very rarely seen her hair completely open, especially not since she had reached maturity. It was clear the person standing at the water edge was a beautiful woman and Jake's heartbeat increased at seeing her like this.
When it became apparent Emma was not going to reply, Jake cleared his throat and called out again, "Emma, is everything okay?"
Emma continued to stare away from Jake and watch the water as it returned to its placid surface. "I do not know anymore," Emma finally replied with a sniffle. "I do not know anything anymore. I cannot stop thinking about what you said that day. I do not even know who I am angry at or what I believe anymore."
Jake could not help but respond to the hurt and confusion he heard in Emma's voice. He finally allowed himself to walk towards her. They stood next to each other and both studied the pond allowing them some semblance of control over their emotions.
"I'm sorry," Jake murmured. "I did not want to hurt you."
Emma did not say anything to this.
"Did you love her? Were you heartbroken when your engagement ended?"
Jake drew in a sharp breath, not expecting the question. He debated how to answer but in the end the pond became their buffer to allow for an honest discussion regarding their thoughts and emotions.
"No," Jake acknowledged quietly. "Our engagement was unplanned. I never really thought of Anne in a romantic light."
Jake paused for a few moments before continuing, "I was not heartbroken, but I was hurt and angry. I had accepted that we would marry and had hoped it would at least be peaceful."
"Will you tell me the story of why you got engaged?" Emma asked in a small voice.
Jake let out a deep breath before giving a mirthless laugh, "I came upon Anne sitting under the big tree and sobbing as if her life had ended. It was obvious she was grieving a significant loss and I wanted to help, so asked her what was wrong. She was crying for Mr. Weston and told me they had been secretly engaged. He had asked her the night before leaving but had died in the war, or at least we all thought so at that time."
"I did not know," Emma whispered with tears forming in her eyes. She remembered seeing Ms. Taylor crying several times during the days of their engagement. She also remembered the story Ms. Taylor had told about a friend having passed away. Emma had made many attempts to cheer her up with reminders of how exciting it was to be engaged to Jake Knightley. But not once in those memories were any mention of her crying for Mr. Weston.
"You knew she was in love with someone else and asked her to marry you anyways?" Emma finally turned to look at Jake and watched as his jaw clenched tightly at the question.
"Yes," he finally replied.
"But why?" Emma could not stop the anguish from entering her voice.
Jake let out a mirthless laugh as his mind wandered back to his sham engagement.
"Let me help you Ms. Taylor. Tell me what you need. Let me escort you to the Woodhouse residence," Jake offered repeatedly. He hated this feeling of helplessness and not being of any use. He was essentially a man of action and did not know how to make this distraught woman feel better.
Anne let out another sob, "I do not want to be alone. Who would want to marry a governess? I had finally found someone who truly loved me and wanted to marry me. Now I will have no one. I will die alone."
Jake sat down beside the woman and put his arm around her trembling form as she continued to cry and ramble into his coat. He was unsure how to proceed as he brought his other arm up to pat her shoulders in hope of providing some comfort and calm her down.
"Oh, pardon me. I did not realize…" Jake looked up at the new voice to see Mr. Woodhouse and his friend Mr. Percy standing awkwardly at the clearing. Jake felt a rush of relief that he could hand over Ms. Taylor to someone else.
Jake gently pushed against Anne only to feel her grasp tighten against his coat. Jake frowned, "Ms. Taylor, Mr. Woodhouse is here and can help."
Mr. Woodhouse hesitantly came forward as Jake once again tried to pry himself away from her grasp. Anne held on even tighter. Her tears seemed to have stopped as she clearly said the words that would be his downfall, "Jake, I am not decent. My dress is still undone, and I would like to protect my modesty."
Jake looked up in confusion to meet Mr. Woodhouse' shocked gaze. Mr. Percy gave Jake a frown of disapproval before pointedly turning his back. He was having a hard time comprehending Anne Taylor's words and what she was implying. It took a strong shove to finally dislodge her hands but even as he vehemently protested, the men were already retreating to allow the couple some privacy.
Jake shook his head to rid his mind of the old memories. He had spent so many days playing that conversation on repeat and trying to determine if Anne had planned the trap in advance or had just taken advantage of the situation. Jake had been furious, even more so when Anne had started to apologize and say she had not meant to say that and would tell Mr. Woodhouse the truth. However, regardless of what Anne said, between Mr. Woodhouse' disappointment and Mr. Percy' disapproval, the result would be the same.
He knew he could just discard the lady and not offer for her. However, regardless of the trap, he would not be responsible for ruining someone. Jake trusted Mr. Woodhouse to be discreet, but he could not say the same for Mr. Percy. Additionally, he knew how fond of Anne, Mr. Woodhouse and Emma were, and telling them the truth would break both their hearts.
"Jake? You still will not tell me why you got engaged?" Emma asked after the silence had stretched out for long moments.
"I do not know if you will even believe me," Jake replied. "Anne had seemed genuinely heartbroken, and she kept saying she did not want to be alone. I did not think anything of it except for trying to get her to stop crying."
Jake paused and ran his hands through his hair in frustration, "she was crying uncontrollably, and I had my arms around her. Mr. Woodhouse and Mr. Percy happened to be strolling by and saw us. I remember thinking that finally I could hand over the woman but instead she grabbed on to my coat and said…. she implied we had been intimate."
"She lied, Emma."
Emma could not help the gasp that escaped her lips. "How could Ms. Taylor do that? Why would she say that?" Emma whispered, her mind racing over the possibility that Ms. Taylor was a lot shrewder than Emma had ever thought.
Jake just shook his head, "I do not know. I still do not know if she set out to trap me or it just happened but there did not seem any point in constantly bringing it up once we were engaged. Regardless of how angry I was, I truly did mean to marry her."
Jake averted his eyes before continuing in a low voice, "I tried my best to get past how we got engaged but the truth is that no matter how many times she apologized or promised to be the perfect wife, I was bitter. We did not really talk much. I do not even know what we would have talked about, which is why we both always wanted you with us to avoid being alone. But that was not fair to you and for that I am sorry."
Emma could only stare at Jake in shock. Most people would have denied the engagement, but he still did the honorable thing to protect a woman he barely knew and who had tricked him into the engagement.
"Why didn't you step aside when you found out Mr. Weston was actually alive?"
Jake shrugged, "Anne said she did not wish it anymore and there was no indication Mr. Weston was still interested. I asked her once, she said no, and that was it. We did not discuss it further. At the time, the thought of a broken engagement seemed like such an insurmountable scandal and I just hate being part of the gossip." Jake gave a bitter laugh at the irony of the situation.
Emma's heart broke for the unfair situation Jake had found himself him. It was to his credit that he put on such a good front that she never guessed. Perhaps she had been blinded by her loyalty and did not allow herself to look very deep. "Why did you never tell us the truth?"
"I knew how much you loved Ms. Taylor. I did not want to break your heart by exposing her true character. I believe your father suspected something was amiss, but we never directly discussed it."
The two lapsed into silence as Emma frantically tried to make sense of what he had just shared. She could not recognize her beloved governess in the story Jake shared. Yet there was no doubt in her mind that Jake was telling the truth. There were so many thoughts and so many questions going through her mind that it was impossible to determine where to start.
"What will you do now?" Emma asked instead. She swallowed and asked the question she truly wanted to ask, "will you marry?"
Jake finally turned as well so they were properly facing each other for the first time. Emma was shocked to see the shine of unshed tears in Jakes eyes. If I have felt confused and hurt, how must Jake have been feeling going through everything along with Emma's anger and accusations? She was captivated by the depth of emotion in his brown eyes perfectly framed by long lashes. He was studying her with just as much intensity and they seemed to be caught in a perfect capsule of time tethered only through their eyes. It was as if the strength required to blink or look away was more than either could afford.
"I wish to, yes," Jake replied softly, while continuing to stare directly at her. The wealth of emotion present in his eyes at the simple proclamation penetrated her to her core.
Emma watched as Jake took in a deep breath and whispered, "if the person I wish to marry, the person I always wished for, will have me."
It was true then. Jake was interested in someone and wished to marry. The most likely suspect being, Jane Fairfax.
The pain was instantaneous, and Emma could not help the sudden tears that sprang to her eyes. Even when her sister and Ms. Bates had warned her of Jake's interest in Jane Fairfax, she had still held out hope. That hope was destroyed now and where just moments before the conversation seemed hopeful and intimate, now it was jarring, causing Emma to want to run away from his presence.
"Emma what's wrong? I am sorry. I have overstepped," Jake said urgently as he reached out and lightly grabbed her wrist.
It was her undoing and before Emma could stop herself the tears had started to fall silently.
"Oh Emma," Jake whispered, as he slowly pulled her towards him, so she could cry against his chest.
She knew his heart belonged to someone else. He had just confirmed that there was someone he wished to marry. Even when Jake had been engaged, Emma had still considered him to be hers. She had never truly believed his heart was involved. She might have been too naïve to evaluate those theories, but she was beginning to realize there might be a deeper reason for recent confused and conflicted thoughts. She had not even started to understand and analyze her feelings and it was already too late. Emma knew she was being selfish, but she wanted to feel his arms around her.
They had never stood so close where her entire being was pressed up against him. She had noticed how wide and strong his shoulders were before and now Emma realized just how strong and solid all of him was. Although she was shorter than him, she was the perfect height to rest her head against his chest. His warmth and scent enveloped her, providing safety in a way she had not experienced before. Emma could feel the steady rhythm of his heart in complete contrast to the wild gallop of her own. She could not help but move one of her hands, so it was pressed against his heart.
Emma both felt and heard Jake's deep breath. The strength in his arms around her should have alarmed her but instead she wanted to be closer. These last few weeks had not been easy, filled with hurtful words and uncertainty, but in this moment, she finally felt peace.
I should move back, thank him for the hug, and head home. Instead, Emma slowly wound her own arms around his waist, so she was reciprocating the embrace. They both stood quietly as Emma cried silent tears knowing this would be the first and last time Jake would hold her like this, while Jake softly stroked her hair.
"I'm sorry Emma. I should not have shared that with you," Jake's voice sounded anguished as if it pained him to say the words.
Emma shook her head against his chest, not wanting him to think he could not tell her things, "It's just… I'm scared of losing you."
Jake moved his head to softly kiss her on the forehead, "you won't ever lose me. Even if you do not wish… I mean… I had hoped… but…" Jake sighed before finally completing his thoughts, "I will always be your friend, Emma."
Emma lifted her head and leaned back in Jake's arms, so she was looking up at him. Jake's eyes were so soft and tender, as if she were the most precious thing he had ever held. She did not look away as Jake moved one hand up to slowly wipe the tears from her eyes, leaving his hand to linger on her cheek. Emma had a sudden desire to shift her face and place a soft kiss on his palms but held herself still not wanting to shatter the moment.
"Well! Well, I'll be."
The sudden shrill voice had them both springing back to see Mr. Elton and John Knightley standing with identical shocked expressions on their faces. This seemingly innocent location by the pond was intent on bringing about Jake's downfall as once again he was caught in a seemingly intimate embrace. Jake could not decide if the universe was mocking him or trying to correct a previous wrong by thrusting him in this tableau once more. The irony in the shared similarities between both times should have been funny, yet laughter was the furthest thing on his mind. The only difference was that this time it was with the girl he wished to marry, except she had just told him clearly, she did not wish the same.
Jake wanted to yell or throw things in anger, but instead tried to adopt a calm demeanor as he cleared his throat, "Mr. Elton, John, I was just about to join you in the library."
"We had been waiting since quarter past already," Mr. Elton began in a haughty tone, "but clearly you were busy with other endeavors."
"Mr. Elton, how about we head back to the study and await my brother there," John attempted, shooting Emma and Jake an apologetic expression.
"I do not think that is a good idea Mr. Knightley," Mr. Elton replied, "I cannot leave an unmarried female unchaperoned in these circumstances."
"Regardless of how willing that female might be," he added under his breath.
"You will be careful when talking about Ms. Woodhouse," Jake demanded angrily.
Mr. Elton simply sniffed and folded his arms. However, he seemed to have some sense since he remained quiet and did not say anything further.
"I must go," Emma finally mumbled as she started walking past Jake towards the path. She had to cross where the other men were standing and looked away at Mr. Elton's judgmental expression.
"Emma, let me escort you home," John quietly said, as he stepped up protectively beside her.
Emma did not say anything as she hurried to get away from the awkward scene at the pond. She was beyond embarrassed at having been caught in such an awkward position by the town vicar and her brother-in-law. She refused to dwell on anything besides the mortification but in the back of her mind she knew Mr. Elton was not one to leave matters be and he was known for his judgmental attitude and spreading gossip. In this case there was not even anything she could deny. Everything her father had taught her about proper behavior dictated she should never have been alone with a man in such an intimate embrace. Wanting more from that embrace.
"What will happen now?" Emma finally ventured in a small voice to her brother-in-law who walked in silence beside her.
"If it had been anyone besides Mr. Elton, I would have said not to be concerned," John replied honestly after a few moments, "but do not worry, Jake will take care of things."
Jake watched in silence as his brother escorted Emma towards the Woodhouse residence.
He cleared his throat and finally addressed Mr. Elton in as calm and neutral tone as he could manage, "I hope you do not misinterpret my discussion with Miss. Woodhouse. She is a family friend and I have known her since she was an infant. She was upset, and I was merely ensuring she was well."
Mr. Elton snorted, "Everyone was shocked when you proposed to Ms. Taylor, but I have heard rumors that engagement was also one of necessity. It looks like when you were done stringing her along, you discarded her, and have now moved from the governess to the ward."
"I would be very careful with your accusations," Jake growled. He would have called the other man out for so badly maligning his honor, if he were not worried about how much further that would damage Emma's reputation. "I have done no such thing. My private business is my own and is not open for public consumption."
"And yet as Highbury's vicar, it is my job to ensure the safety and goodness of this town," Mr. Elton replied with self-importance. "If it is in the public's interest to know a person's true character then I am honor bound to report it." With that announcement, Mr. Elton walked away, leaving Jake standing alone with his thoughts and anger.
Mr. Elton did not care about protecting the people. He just wanted to be the bearer of gossip. However, there was no point in further arguing with him as it would just make him more convinced in his role as the savior of Highbury. Jake knew without a doubt that the story of his and Emma's private moment would be spread across Highbury within hours, and likely with several embellishments. Add in the scandal of his previous engagement and this was headed towards disaster.
Jake wanted to yell at the skies at the untimely interruption. He should not have forgotten the appointment or lost track of time. He should have left when Emma clearly turned down even the hint of his proposal. Instead, he had not been able to stand her tears and had taken her in his arms.
He knew the proper thing now was to offer marriage for Emma, but he hated having to do it under these circumstances while knowing her heart was not engaged.
It would seem he would be getting his hearts desire after all, Jake thought ruefully, if only Emma had reacted with even a modicum of cheer or willingness at his confession earlier, instead of bursting into tears at the mere thought of his interest in her.
