Chapter 15
"Quit making that much noise, I am coming," Anne Taylor mumbled as she hurried from the kitchen towards the door. Whoever was on the other side was surely in a hurry with the loud knocking they were doing.
"How can I…?" Anne trailed off as she saw Lieutenant Nathan Weston standing on the other side.
"Nathan… how did you find me?" she finally got out.
"It was not easy. It took me way too long to find your parents house and then to convince your parents to tell me where you had gone," Nathan replied quietly as they both continued to stand awkwardly at the door.
Anne studied the man who was simultaneously her destruction and her salvation. Nathan's army training was evident in the straight posture and pride visible in the way he carried himself. Although he was not as tall as Jake, his broad shoulders and physical presence gave the impression of added height. His face seemed even more rough and weathered then she remembered from a few months ago. The man had always been intimidating with a serious, unsmiling mouth, however, now he seemed especially menacing as he stood and watched her sharply.
Anne studied his eyes, trying to find their ever-present merriment, which was what had first captured her interest and made her fall in love. However, now they were barren, without any teasing or laughter. She could imagine this would be the look he would give to an enemy in the army. Anne knew this would be a battle and suddenly, Anne became conscious of her unkept appearance and brown hair falling out of her braid. She had not had any visitors in weeks but now wished she had changed into her best dress. Not that any of the dresses would fit me in this current condition.
It was another few moments before Anne moved back and motioned for the Lieutenant to follow her into the cottage.
Anne looked around the small room which served as her house, glad that at least everything seemed clean and in order. She did not have too many belongings and thankfully they were all currently put away in their respective place. One area had a stove for both cooking and providing heat while the other end of the room had a small bed. The only other furniture was a small table and two chairs which is where she led the Lieutenant as she wordlessly grabbed a second plate to serve the stew she had been making and put some tea on the fire.
"I was sure I would find you at your parents' residence," Nathan finally ventured into the awkward silence.
Anne nodded, too ashamed to look up, "I was there until recently. It was starting to get more difficult to hide my… condition. I was lucky I was able to get this cottage and the landlady took pity on a military man's widow."
Nathan's piercing gaze made her want to cry in shame. She had wronged so many people, including this man in so many ways. For him to be standing here, seeking her out in this remote village brought back the mix of emotions she had been trying to bury. The last few months had given her a lot of time for self reflection and thought, and Anne did not know if she could ever convince Nathan to forgive her. Truthfully, she was not even sure if she deserved his forgiveness.
The last time they had seen each other alone had been unexpected and unplanned. Anne had wandered to the abandoned barn which had been their secret meeting place, many times over her year long engagement to Jake Knightley. However, this was the first time that Nathan had also been there, and she could not help thinking of their last meeting.
"Well, if it isn't Mrs. Knightley. I would have thought you would be too busy with all of your important responsibilities to wander out in the woods," Nathan said sarcastically.
"I am not married," Anne replied quickly. It probably should not have been the first thing to say but it had seemed like the most important part to clarify.
"Not yet," Nathan sneered back, "imagine my surprise that I come back a few months later, injured and at deaths door, only to find you are engaged to a different man."
"I had thought you were dead," Anne cried out while jumping to her feet.
Nathan stalked forward so he was standing directly in front of her, "And I guess there would not be any time spent pining for the dead. Not when Highbury's most eligible bachelor proposes. How did that come about by the way?"
Anne flinched at the question but would not give him the satisfaction of looking away. She gazed back into his eyes, "I do not think that is any of your concern sir."
"Is the wedding date close now? It has been an extraordinarily long engagement."
"Soon. We have been busy," Anne answered distractedly. It was hard not to get lost in his eyes. She could barely even follow the conversation.
"I do not think you have been busy. I think you are still in love with me," Nathan whispered softly as his hand slowly came up to her face. She should have left the place. She should have pulled back but instead she closed her eyes and invited his kiss.
Anne pushed herself away from the table to rid her mind of her thoughts. The loving kiss and what followed afterwards was simultaneously a source of regret and comfort.
Nathan also pushed back his chair and began, "I am sorry. I truly did not mean for all of this to happen. I could not help myself from kissing you and then one thing led to another and now…"
"No," Anne interrupted. She needed to take responsibility for her actions and explain everything to Nathan if they had a chance of making things work.
"I am the one who needs to apologize, to a lot of people. I used to think I was a good person, but I have done so many things in recent times to make that statement a blatant lie. I have spent a lot of time thinking and I need to tell you the entire truth." Anne paused to collect her thoughts before continuing, "I was so devasted when I got the news of your death. I cannot even describe the feeling. I had never given much thought to getting married until I met you. And then suddenly I was imagining myself getting married and having kids and a house of my own."
Anne turned around so she was facing Nathan. She needed to explain the good with the bad and finally acknowledge what she had done, "When I found out you were gone, I just could not fathom that I would be alone. All I could think about was how unfair it all was and now that I had started to imagine my life with my own kids, I no longer wanted to be alone. I mean I had Emma and I could be a governess for someone else but that did not seem like it was enough. I could not stop thinking of my own kids and how that would likely never happen anymore."
The next part was more difficult to recap and was the first time she would be admitting it out loud, but she trusted this man more than anyone else in the world. Anne steeled herself and continued, "Mr. Knightley found me crying one day and he was trying his best to help me and be kind. The truth is, Jake never even proposed to me. I… I trapped him. I… I was crying and he put his arm around me to offer comfort. Mr. Woodhouse and Mr. Percy happened by and before Mr. Knightley could say anything, I… I lied and said I was indecent and implied we were in a compromising situation. I knew Jake was too much the gentleman to say anything and I took advantage of that. I had been so sad the weeks leading up to that day and the only thought in my head was that I did not want to be alone. And suddenly a good, handsome man was standing there, and I acted so rashly without even thinking of the consequences of my action."
Anne looked up through her tears to see Nathan's shocked expression. She would not blame him if he left her as well after learning what she had done but she had to take responsibility, "I fully expected him to deny the engagement, and I could see the anger in bitterness in his eyes every time he looked at me, but he still proceeded with the engagement. Just think, Highbury's most eligible bachelor got himself engaged to a governess to save her reputation. I… I made a vow to be the best wife I could possibly be to him. Even when I found out you were actually alive. It was the hardest thing I had ever done by not breaking the engagement, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I did not want to cause any further scandal and thought if I could only make myself into a proper wife, everything will be well. I tried so hard to forget you and was convinced that I was succeeding until that day. I should have said no to you or to Jake before that, but once again, I did not think until it was too late."
Anne finally allowed Nathan to pull her into his arms as the silent tears turned into uncontrollable sobs. It was a few moments before she was able to speak again, "I actually felt such immense relief when Jake ended the engagement but then I started thinking of what everyone would think of me and how they would be saying I got what I deserved that I wrote a letter to Ms. Bates and tried to discredit Jake. I do not even know what I was trying to achieve or why, but I have been a horrible person. I am so ashamed."
There was complete silence in the room as they both thought back on the events leading to this moment.
Nathan finally broke the silence, "for all of our sakes, I am glad the wedding did not happen. I will give Mr. Knightley credit for remaining steadfast through everything. I cannot say if I would have had the same fortitude. Anne, even after knowing everything, I still love you. I never stopped loving you and I do not know if there is anything you could do that would change that. I had promised myself I would stay away from you and everything between us was finished. I tried so hard to stop loving you but could not stop thinking about you. I want to marry you and raise this child together as a family. I do not even care if we do not go back to Highbury. We can live in London or stay here but I just want to marry you and deliver on all the promises I had made to you."
Anne took a deep breath and finally allowed herself to believe this was really happening. She offered him a tentative smile. "I am not sure what I have done in my life to deserve you or your understanding. I will work my entire life to make myself worthy of you. I love you and would like nothing more than to be your family."
Emma took a deep breath as she entered Jake's study with a soft knock. It had been a few days since their wedding and although the transition from Hartfield to Donwell had been remarkably easy, the relationship between husband and wife was rather strained. There was nothing in particular Emma could complain about since Jake was treating her with the utmost respect and reverence, however it was the kind of formal regard one usually displayed a distant neighbour. Her days were spent getting herself acquainted with the many responsibilities of running the Donwell estate. The housekeeper kept assuring her that she did not need to worry about things just yet and she should enjoy her honeymoon, but since Jake was busy with estate business, it allowed her to feel useful. Truthfully, there was not much to learn since Emma had been running the Hartfield estate for so long and understood the basic requirements. She was also very familiar with most of the peculiarities of Donwell from either talks with her sister or just her visits over the years.
Likewise, the staff was going out of their way to ensure her every comfort. They kept reminding her how romantic it all was since Jake had barely left the house to ensure his new bride was settled it. Of course, that did not mean she had seen much of him since he had spent majority of that time in his study. It had been sobering to realize that she had not known just how many investments and business ventures Jake was a part of. She had always thought he was a primarily a landlord similar to her father. Inevitability, it would take time to understand Jake, but this was not the part she was concerned about. The part that was really starting to worry her was that in the last few days of their marriage, Jake had not visited her bedchamber even once.
The first few nights she had lain awake from nerves and anticipation, going over everything her sister had told her. She had assumed the consummation of the marriage was something Jake would want to do immediately, so every little sound had made her jump, expecting the door to open. Each night as she finally drifted off into a restless sleep, her mind exhausted every reason why Jake was not interested in her. This constant wait and uncertainty were driving her mad and she needed to know what she should expect from her marriage. Afterall, her sister had a love match and perhaps Izzy had assumed that everyone's 'wedding night' literally referred to the night immediately following the wedding.
She clasped her hands tightly so Jake would not notice their shaking from nerves. It was past time they understood where they each stood in their marriage, but that did not make this conversation any easier.
"Emma, was there something you needed?" Jake asked upon spying who was at the study door.
"Are you sitting in the study getting drunk?" Emma asked indignantly.
Jake shook his head as he watched Emma come in and sit in a chair across from him, "no, just a single glass of brandy."
"And is this your routine every night? You have dinner with me and then spend the rest of the evening in the study nursing your single glass of brandy?" Emma asked. She knew her voice was getting shrill, but she had never been very good at controlling her emotions.
"Emma…"
"Jake, wait. Forget the brandy, that is not what I wish to discuss. Please just let me talk before I lose my nerve. You have always said that I can ask you anything and now that we are married, I just want to understand and well, I am just confused." Emma took a deep breath. "Why have you not visited my bedchamber?"
Jake choked on his drink at the abrupt question.
Emma could feel her cheeks getting pink but knew she had to finish this conversation. She would have loved to sound sophisticated and knowledgeable but in the end could only manage her quick ramblings, "I mean, it is not that I was expecting anything, but my sister told me to… well expect certain things and everyone always mentions the wedding night, so I assumed it was actually the night of the wedding. But maybe I misunderstood, and I am sorry, but I just do not know if I should continue to wait or just go to sleep. I was doing the same tonight but then I thought I should just ask you, and well… I guess that is why I am here."
Jake closed his eyes as guilt swamped through him. He had been so busy with his own self-pity and doubt that he did not even acknowledge the amount of confusion and uncertainty he was causing in Emma. He got up from his chair and came around his desk so he could sit in the chair next to Emma.
"Oh Emma, I am so sorry. I did not even think about how this would be affecting you." Jake let out a loud sigh as he reached across and took Emma's hands into his own.
"I was trying to give you time. I thought that is what you wanted when you mentioned wanting to remain as friends. I did not want to put pressure on you or force you into something you were not ready for."
"Jake, its just… I just want to know what to expect," Emma took a steadying breath to give herself courage, "I know about the pianoforte."
Jake continued to blink for a few seconds before realizing that was the end of the statement.
"I am not sure what that means. What pianoforte? I do not understand."
Emma pulled her hands from under Jake's and gave him another emphasizing look.
"Jake, I know you were trying to remain anonymous, but I know about the pianoforte, and I am sorry."
"Emma, I really do not understand what you are talking about."
"I know you gave Jane Fairfax a pianoforte," Emma cried out in exasperation.
"Jane Fairfax? Why on earth are we discussing her and why on earth would I do that?"
Emma looked at him in confusion. Jake genuinely seemed perplexed about the pianoforte. He certainly did not look like someone suffering from guilt or longing.
"Jane Fairfax received a pianoforte from a secret admirer. We… I mean, I thought it was from you." Emma turned so she was no longer facing Jake. This was hard enough without him looking her in the eye. "Jake, I know you did not want to marry me and probably would not have if it was not for Mr. Elton catching us in an awkward situation. I know you have feelings for Jane Fairfax and wanted to marry her. I have been struggling with the knowledge that once again you were forced into a marriage not of your choosing and I am sorry."
The silence in the room was absolute. It was not until Emma's vision was completely clouded that she realized there were tears rolling down her face.
"Emma," Jake ventured softly as he slowly put his hand under Emma's chin and turned her towards him, "Emma, I am not sure why you thought I was interested in Jane Fairfax. I have not spoken more than a few words to her, and I certainly did not send her a pianoforte."
Jake leaned forward so his forehead was touching Emma's. She could feel his breath blowing softly on her lips as he kissed her tears away. It was now Jake's turn to muster some courage before he continued, "Emma, I have never been interested in Jane Fairfax and am not sure why you would think otherwise. I was also never interested in Anne Taylor before that. The only person I have always wanted to marry was you. It has always been you."
Emma let out a soft gasp at his words. This time the tears rolling down her face were from a different emotion. Emma could not stop her arms from going around Jake's shoulders as she changed from a passive figure to an active participant.
The kiss started softly but grew in momentum as both realized they could have been doing something far more enjoyable than allowing misunderstandings to take root. Emma could feel Jakes hands tangling in her hair as he slowly untied her braid. It was such a relief to realize that Jake was not interested in Jane. In addition, the rush of joy at the thought that perhaps he had always been interested in her, had her wanting to get even closer.
"Emma, I do not regret this marriage. I want this marriage."
Emma giggled as she was suddenly lifted off her chair and onto Jake's lap. This time it was Emma who leaned forward to capture his lips. It was such a heady feeling to run her hands through his hair and feel the stubble over his cheeks. Emma increased the pressure of her lips which elicited a groan in response.
"Mrs. Knightley, I would like to take you upstairs to our bedchamber and make this into a proper marriage."
Emma could feel her heartbeat speed up even more with a combination of nerves and anticipation.
"Mr. Knightley, I would like that very much."
Jake slowly ran his fingers over Emma's bare shoulders as she slept in the bed beside him. He could not believe he had let his own insecurities delay his wedding night by so many days. It was embarrassing to think that if it had not been for Emma forcing the discussion, he would have continued in his state of misery for longer. It was such a relief to have gotten everything cleared up and to finally have expressed his feelings.
Bedding Emma had been everything he had hoped for while also exceeding everything he could have imagined. Emma had been an enthusiastic partner, willing to learn, and interested in everything he had shown her. He was looking forward to exploring her secrets and finding out what pleased her.
He was content and hopeful for the future yet sleep still eluded him. It was not until much later that he realized what still bothered him. Although he had made his feelings about Emma clear, his wife had not said a word.
