Chapter 17
Mr. Knightley,
I hope you are doing well. I have spent a great deal of time in trying to write this letter and finding the perfect words to capture my thoughts. Yet the correct words still allude me. Truthfully, there are no words in the English language that would be sufficient for the apology I owe you or acknowledge the pain and unhappiness I have caused.
I wronged you in so many ways and yet you still proved a man of utmost honor by not breaking off the engagement and protecting my reputation in front of Highbury and in particular the Woodhouse family. I regretted those foolish words and what they implied from the moment I uttered them. Instead of being thankful for the support you offered that day, I trapped you in a web of lies that besmirched your character in front of your friends and family. There were many times I wanted to take the difficult step of accepting responsibility and the consequences of my actions, yet I kept going further and further out of a fear of causing an even bigger scandal. Frankly, I was a coward.
I never set out to trap you into marriage. There was no grand scheme, but it was certainly a crime of opportunity. I knew you were a good man and took advantage of that without fully thinking about my actions or my words. I need you to know the goal was not the social advantages marriage to you would bring but just simply having a family I could claim as my own. Once the engagement happened and it was apparent that even through the hatred you must feel towards me, you would still go through with the wedding, I swore that I would be the best wife I could possibly be. I promised myself that I would make you happy, but how would that have been possible when neither of us were invested in the marriage? It became especially difficult for me to maintain the façade once I found out Nathan was alive. I had wronged not one, but two good men and the guilt and weight of the burden became my constant companion.
I know you believe that I carried on an affair the entire time of our engagement, but the truth is I stumbled upon Nathan the single time. I offer that not as an excuse for my betrayal but just so you know the full truth. When I found out I was with child, it was a shock but also a relief to know the farce between us would end and you could be free. I have long suspected your feelings were tied elsewhere and I hope I have not prevented you from pursuing the right person. You deserve joy.
Above all, I pray that my actions do not cause any irrevocable damage and you are able to move forward as one would from an unpleasant dream. I would like to think my actions were borne of grief and that is not who I am as a person, but I now know even a simple governess can cause much havoc and destruction. I have spent a lot of time in self-reflection and know I have a lot of work towards being a worthy person.
I do not deserve the happiness, but the Lieutenant and I are now wed. I do not know if we will ever return to Highbury, but I sincerely hope you are able to forgive me and find your own happiness.
From,
Anne Weston
"I did not realize you were wanting to take on the role of my secretary," John Knightley remarked as he entered his study and saw his older brother at John's desk for the second morning in a row.
"I just thought you could use the help," Jake mumbled absentmindedly.
Jake had spent the past two mornings in the exact spot in John's study as it simultaneously gave his mind something to focus on while also allowing him an excuse to leave the house. He could have easily hidden in his own study but within a few weeks of marriage, Emma's presence permeated through every space in his own house. These last few weeks with Emma had been wonderful but he could not shake the suspicion that she might be in love with someone else. Every time he convinced himself otherwise, he would get a vision of Emma meeting Frank Churchill in secret or Emma thinking of Frank while with Jake, and he would be lost again.
"Are my ledgers in such bad shape that you have spent the last two mornings double checking each of the entries," John asked with a raised eyebrow. "I would have thought with running such a large estate, the tenants, and your other business ventures, there would be enough to keep you busy at your own house."
Jake finally looked up from the papers and rubbed his eyes. The dark circles and weary façade betrayed his conflicted state from across the room. "Is there an issue with my being here?" Jake finally asked.
John ignored the question as he came fully into the room and sat down at the chair across from Jake. "So, I hear our good friend Mr. Churchill is engaged to be married," John spoke with studied indifference. "to Ms. Jane Fairfax. I am told it is a love match."
Jake startled at the news, "how do you… I mean, why would you…" His mind raced at the news, making it difficult to complete a sentence.
"I, unlike some other people in this room," John began with a smirk, "actually talk to my wife and ask her questions and not assume. My wife's sister also happens to be your wife who for some reason seems to think you are angry at her over an inappropriate friendship with Mr. Churchill."
John's expression turned serious as he looked directly at his brother, "please tell me your being here these past few days is because you just love doing ledgers and not something to do with this?"
Jake ignored the question as he tried to play back the conversation he had overheard. At the time he had been so sure Frank was telling Emma that he had wished to propose to her, but something prevented him from doing so. Something like Emma being married to Jake.
However, if the engagement between Frank and Jane Fairfax was truly a love match, perhaps Jake had misunderstood the conversation. He had felt such anger and hurt at seeing Emma holding Frank's arm and the two of them being so comfortable with each other that he had not been able to stop himself from creating a scene. The very thing he had told Emma she should not do.
The past few days had been spent in a constant state of turmoil. His mind continuously replayed the scene in the drawing room of Frank declaring his feelings for Emma while she held his arm and gushed about how lucky someone would be to have Frank as a husband. However, if John was to be believed, and it truly was a love match, then there was a possibility Frank had been talking about someone else entirely.
Even before this conversation with John, the rational part of him acknowledged that he was overreacting, but he could not shut down the fear or anger over the possibility of being deceived once again. It was a sobering fact to realize he did not have the courage to directly ask Emma about how she felt out of his fear of rejection, so instead he had been hiding from his wife. Never would he have considered himself to be a man ruled by emotions but everything that had happened these last few months had made it difficult for him to fully trust.
John continued to sit in silence as he waited for his brother to sort his thoughts. It was a long moment before Jake finally began speaking, "I have always been one for plain speaking and the truth, regardless of how unflattering it may be. However, when it comes to my own wife, it is as though I am afraid to be open or ask personal questions in fear of hearing something I will not like. I do not understand it myself. I have never had to think about a conversation with Emma before and now I am wary of every word and every action."
John nodded in sympathy, "I think it is time that you close the chapter on your engagement with Anne Taylor."
Jake started at the words, "Anne? That engagement ended months ago."
"Yes, it did, but you fail to realize the impact it continues to have. You have always been the strongest man I know, confident in every decision, and entirely sure of who you are. However, you found yourself in an engagement not of your choosing, entrapped in a situation not to your liking. I do not agree with your staying engaged but it became a matter of honor and I understand its importance. But even while you were engaged, you knew your fiancé favored someone else instead, someone who she continued to see even while engaged. All these things have eroded your self-confidence and ability to trust when it comes to matters of the heart. You have become jaded and closed off. Although you are in love with Emma, you seem to think she could not possibly love you. Finding reason to doubt, seeing fault where there is none, being afraid, these are not characteristics of Jake Knightley."
Jake stayed silent for a few moments before speaking, "I received a letter from Anne this morning. That is what I was contemplating while doing your ledgers. She apologized for her actions and explained some things a bit better. I no longer feel the same level of anger and resentment, so it is a step towards healing, although it might take a big longer to completely forgive."
"Close the chapter on that engagement and leave it in the past where it belongs before it starts ruining your marriage."
Jake took a deep breath before entering the sitting room where the housekeeper had told him Emma currently was. He paused at the door and just gazed upon her reading her book. She looked so innocent and informal with her hair in a loose braid and her feet tucked under her on the sofa. Although she was young; the joy, empathy, and passion with which she saw the world were perfect foils for his own jagged edges. If only he would let her do so.
After leaving John's house, it had taken him a while of hard riding before he was able to sort through his muddled feelings and get clarity to his emotions. He hated to admit it, but his brother was right in his assessment. In his need to appear strong and in control, he had never fully processed how the engagement might have affected him and his interactions with people. He was Jake Knightley, the one who everyone relied on and turned to for advice or help, it could not be possible that he might need support. Reading Anne's letter had suddenly allowed the suppressed feelings to rush through and he was able to acknowledge that he was now viewing Emma from a bitter and unfair vantage point. Even if she had been interested in Frank Churchill, she still deserved open communication, a chance to explain, and patience from her husband.
"Can I join you on the settee, Emma?" Jake asked in a quiet voice.
Emma did not bother looking up as she gave a shrug of indifference, "it is your house Mr. Knightley. You may do as you please."
Jake carefully sat down next to Emma, "I have a lot of explaining to do and am not really sure where to begin. Since my father passed away, I have strived to be strong, practical, and always in control. I wanted to be someone who had all the answers and could be of help to everyone but never reliant on anyone. I wanted to be the perfect brother and role model for John and make my parents proud. I wanted to make the Knightley name powerful and influential, and I did all of that. Emma, I far surpassed even my own expectations and am proud of my success."
Jake could feel Emma's eyes on him but was unable to meet her eyes as to not appear vulnerable in front of her. He took a deep breath and continued his musings, "I think when Anne implied there was something inappropriate to our relationship, it was the first time in my adult life that I was actually put through a test. On the one hand, I wanted to be the proper gentleman who would never ruin a lady's reputation, but on the other, I just wanted to leave her to the consequences and gossip. Suddenly, I was no longer in control and things were happening that were not to my liking. I kept warring with presenting the perfect façade and told myself I was trying to protect you from seeing a bad side to your beloved governess. Undoubtedly, there is truth to that, but the entire truth is that I did not want to appear as if I was not in control. I especially did not want to be part of gossip or a broken engagement."
"Oh Jake. I am sorry," Emma reached over and took his hand into her, as her own anger of the past few days was set aside to provide comfort and sympathy instead.
Jake laced his fingers through Emma's, "I started becoming bitter and jaded. The more I tried to present the perfect picture to the outside world, the more I internally rebelled at the thought of marrying someone not of my choosing, someone who I knew was in love with another man. It might have been easier if I was not in love with you, but I wanted to marry you. I had wanted to marry you for awhile but wanted you to fall in love with me with the same intensity as I felt for you. The more time you spent with us during the engagement period, the more I wanted you instead. That would make me feel guilty of being emotionally unfaithful to my affianced, and so I would try even harder."
"It's ironic that Anne was going through similar internal conflict, although at the time I was too angry to fully talk with her. When I found out Anne was expecting a child with Lieutenant Weston, I felt immeasurable relief, but I was also so angry and hurt. Afterall, I was the one who had been wronged and was making the sacrifice, if anything, it should have been me to have an affair."
Jake gave a small shake of his head at Emma's wide-eyed expression, "it was not that I wanted to have an affair or would ever break a vow in that way, but I just could not help feeling further cheated. I do not think I even realized how this experience had changed me. It was not sudden, so I never stopped to think of the negative consequences to myself."
"That day when I saw you alone with Frank Churchill, instead of talking to you, I just reacted. I was taking out anger that was not rightfully yours to bear. I know you have feelings for the man and I will try my best to be patient, Emma. If you would give us a chance and go into this relationship with an open mind, maybe you could learn to love me the way I love you. I am truly sorry and I…"
"Wait," Emma put up her hand to interrupt Jake, "why on earth would you think I had feelings for Frank Churchill? It is you I am in love with. It has always been you and only you, even before I understood what this feeling was."
"Me?" Jake asked incredulously, "but you kept hinting there was someone you were interested in. Was that someone me?"
"Yes. There has never been anyone for me except for you. That is why the thought of you being in love with Jane Fairfax was so difficult to bear. When I found out you were engaged, I knew I should be excited." Emma paused to collect her own thoughts and articulate her feelings, "The two people I was closest to were going to be married but even without knowing the circumstances behind the engagement I did not think for a second that it changed our relationship or that someone else should rightfully be your priority. Perhaps because you never acted like what I thought a couple in love would, but it never even occurred to me that once you would have married, our relationship would inevitably have to change. In my mind, you were always first and foremost mine. That is why when you came back and I realized I did not know why the engagement ended or had begun or that you did not share everything with me, I was so hurt and depressed. I took out my anger solely on you because it was you, I trusted the most. The thought that maybe I did not hold that special place in your heart was difficult. It took all of this happening for me to realize that the strength of my emotions directed at you were because I was in love with you, but I suspect I have loved you all along." Emma replied.
"But these past few weeks, you never once mentioned your feelings. I have been going crazy with this."
Emma gave a helpless shrug, "I did not realize it mattered that much to you. I had tried telling you in the past, but it did not go well. So, this time I was just trying to find the perfect way of doing it, but I guess I just had not found the courage to do so."
Jake started to chuckle as he realized what a fool they had both been. If he had built up the courage sooner to talk to Emma, they could have avoided the misunderstandings sooner and been well on their way to a proper honeymoon.
Jake pulled Emma closer and leaned in, so their foreheads were touching, "I truly love you Emma Knightley. I promise I will do better and talk to you to clear up any misunderstandings. I do believe we have wasted so much time already and I do not wish to waste any more."
"I agree," Emma replied with a soft kiss on her husband's cheeks, "I truly love you Jake Knightley. I do not know what I did to deserve this good fortune but now that you are mine, I will not let you go."
Jake could not contain his joy as he pulled Emma in for a proper kiss. It might have been a complicated journey but he would not trade any of it, if it meant he would end up here with Emma.
**THE END**
A/N: Thank you so much for everyone who read and reviewed this story. This was my first attempt at a historical Emma versus a Modern Emma and I really wanted to explore the thought that no one is perfect, people and emotions are all complicated. I would love to hear some final thoughts and feedback on this! Much love from my side!
