'Sup, losers.

My name's Elias Greene, and I am the single, absolute smecksiest son-of-a-bitch to ever receive a letter of acceptance from Beacon Academy.

Yes indeed, with my imposing 5'5", 125lbs figure, back-length colonial-style ponytail, scruffy goatee, and John Lennon sunglasses...nobody can stand against my hotness! NOBODYYYY!

Well, except my friends from Signal, 'cause none of them are into guys. Also all the people that just don't like me (not a lot of those, though, I'm usually pretty agreeable). And the teachers, too, because God forbid. And also pretty much everyone else at Signal, from the looks of it...

I mean, I'm pretty sure at least one person had eyes for me. No idea as to who that might be, but in a school of four hundred horny teenagers, I seriously doubt that my nigh-perfect asscheeks went unnoticed. 'Course, I'm also not really surprised that I didn't notice; even with the generally higher-than-average levels of testosterone resident in the female students there, girls generally aren't as open about their attractions as us guys are. The exceptions, as I have managed to observe thus far, are usually the lesbians. (Usually.)

So, anyway. I went to Signal, applied to Beacon. They let me in. Not a huge surprise, seeing that I was definitely somewhere in Signal's top ten, and that a good sixty percent of Beacon's attendees are Signal graduates - but still, I felt like a badass! Especially considering how I started out.

So, there I was, on one of those giant airships that probably cost Vale a bajillion Lien to buy from Atlas, chilling with the Boiz.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'm one of the Boiz.

The Boiz are the four dankest boiz in Signal. We are legendary. The Boiz consists of me, Jacobin Fells, Woodheart Rhine, and Cas Magent.

Jacobin (pronounced "YAH-koh-bin"; we just call him Jac, pronounced "Jake") is the memelord of the Boiz. He's the tall one in purple-red armor and the big mechashift gun-sword, with his hair shaved on the sides and the middle kept long and flopped to the side and dyed maroon (or something like that). All that, plus being the one with the biggest social media presence, makes him the de-facto face of the Boiz.

Now, y'all might be wondering what sort of colors Jac's name could possibly refer to. The answer is absolutely none. You see, the whole thing after the Great War with naming kids after colors was a really popular trend that turned into a tradition, but it's not like there were any laws that said you had to name your kids a certain way. I mean, come on - that's exactly the sort of authoritarianistic thing that Vale and Vacuo were fighting against in the first place! So while it was extremely popular and widespread, there were obviously some people who just didn't jump on the bandwagon. Jac's family is one of those old families who wanted to keep with the traditions of their family names, and so they did.

Anyway, enough about Jac, he's boring anyway.

Woodheart (we call him Woodie) is the muscle-bound monster of a snake-Faunus with the windswept hair, camo vest, and giant gauntlets. You can tell he's snake because of the sporadic patches of brown scales on his body, and also because of his eyes - the pupils are vertically-running slits, rather than circular. He's also the de-facto edgelord of the Boiz, partially because he is generally the most serious and outwardly driven of us, and mostly because he likes to discuss dark topics for the heck of it. And also because he carries around a sniper rifle, even though he doesn't usually use it.

And then there's Cas.

Cas is the skinny one with the sabre, orange-ish half-cape, stringy brown hair, and rectangle glasses. He's typically the only one of us who really thinks about what he's doing before he starts beating the shit out of everything. Of course, despite his appearance, he's indisputably the best out of all of us at doing just that, mostly because of his stupidly OP Semblance. Actually, to be honest, all of us have pretty powerful Semblances...but I'll get into that later, hehe!

So, anyway, we were on our way to Beacon. As per the norm, we stayed huddled together in a secluded corner of the ship, but this time we were extra cautious about anyone else listening in. What we were talking about was of the utmost secrecy.

"So," Woodie was saying, "Do we need to go over the plan again before we land?"

"Bruh," I said back, "it's like, two steps: put on the blindfold as soon as we land, and - "

But they all shushed me, and I shushed immediately, realizing in horror what could have happened. See, I am both blessed and cursed with a voice box like a contrabassoon reed (which means it's really, really deep). It's great for enhancing my smecksiness and scaring the ever-living shit out of people, but Gad-damned, does it carry! This means I have to be very careful when trying to talk quietly, and considering my general sense of self-awareness, I usually fail spectacularly at that. Like I was doing right then.

We all looked around. Nobody seemed to have noticed. Made sense...everybody else was probably too busy thinking about how they were going to be attending BEACON FRIGGIN ACADEMY to care about what a bunch of doofy-looking boiz like us were talking about.

We decided that we didn't need to go over the plan again. After all, it was like, two steps.

We landed. We got off the plane. And then we all put on our sunglasses.

Jac donned his aviators.

Woodie sported his camo hunting shades.

I, of course, unleashed the glory of my John Lennons.

Cas tapped his prescription glasses, and they darkened into sunglasses.

The Boiz stepped onto the grounds of Beacon Academy like the utter badasses we were.

We went towards the school. I'm not sure if it was the shades, the stoic unity of our march, or our reputations as some of Signal's top fighters, but people actually got out of our way as we went. It felt awesome either way.

We got past all the others from our airship, and saw Beacon. It was big. It was pretty. And it was, uh...uh...

Oh, what the hell - you've all seen the show! You've all read, like, a hundred other fanfics describing the magnificent grandioseness of the school's arches and spires! You all know damn well what Beacon looks like, so I'm not gonna spend three whole-ass paragraphs describing it. Ain't nobody got time for that shit.

Anyway, we started approaching a crowd of students from another airship that had landed before ours. We pressed on, but then a familiar face caught our eyes - or, rather, a familiar explosion of human hair.

"Ayyy, it's Yang!" Jac shouted, even though we were five feet away from her. Now that it's suddenly relevant, I will mention that Yang is not only a good friend of ours, but also an honorary member of the Boiz, even though she's female. There are a few reasons for this. The first is that she is a memelord herself, and therefore speaks our language of stale memes. The second is that she also has epic sunglasses, a prerequisite to being one of the Boiz. The third is that she basically just let herself into our group. Well, kinda - she was already friends with Woodie because they liked to spar a lot and all that, but then she just started hanging out with all of us. It wasn't our idea in the first place, but we did not mind it one single iota. (Kinda sucked when we found out she was lesbian, tho.)

It was indeed Yang, and her sister was there, too. It looked like they had been talking about stuff, but as soon as Yang saw us, she went over to us and immediately started spouting out sentences rapid-fire:

"Well-actually-my-friends-are-here-gotta-go-catch-up-K-see-ya-bye!"

And she grabbed Cas and me with one arm each and lifted us off our feet by the backs of our shirts.

"Hurr derp?" I blurted out, confused. Yang subjected us to this sort of roughhousing on a fairly regular basis, but the context seemed strange in this instance. Before I could say anything else, she used Cas and me to push Woodie and Jac alongside her as she ran off towards the school.

"C'mon, guys, hurry up!"

We all babbled out some half-baked assortment of questions and confused noises for a couple hundred meters or so until we reached the great pillars of the Academy. Yang looked behind her as if making sure nobody had followed us, and finally dropped us smaller guys.

"What was that all about?" said Woodie.

"Huh? Oh, I'm just forcing Ruby to socialize and make friends."

We all looked to each other.

"...Uh..." said Jac. "You could've just had her talk to us?"

"You don't count!" Yang retorted. "You've already met her before."

This was true; we had met Ruby a couple of times in the past, and the girl was exceedingly awkward. I think she might have said, like, five words the first time Yang introduced her to us. The second time was when we were at Yang's house. The subject of weapons came up, and she absolutely would not stop talking about them. We made a combined effort to make it an even back-and-forth dialogue, but to no avail. That time was also exceedingly awkward. Don't get me wrong, Ruby really did strike me as a swell person, but she just had none of her half-sister's social aptitude.

And she undoubtedly remembered both interactions with us very well, which would make any future -

- and then I realized that Yang was trying to give Ruby a fresh start with new people, rather than have her relive her past slip-ups. Awww...now, that's a good big sister for you!

"So, uh. Now what?" I said. Cas shrugged.

"We go into Beacon and kick ourselves some ass!" said Yang, smashing her fists together in a burst of fire. That seemed like a good plan. We all cheered our assent.

So, the five of us went to the auditorium. Details on how we got there or on how long it took us to get there will not be disclosed. But we made it there on time. A whole bunch of other people were there. We just sorta squeezed our way through to this random spot in the audience. Why we collectively chose this spot, I still have no idea, but we did. Then we just stood there and waited for stuff to happen, as one does.

"It's kinda dark," I said. "You think they got a busted light up there or something?"

"Maybe you should take your glasses off," said Cas. Dammit, he was right. I removed my John Lennons, and my smecksiness levels decreased from infinity and one, to just infinity. It was tragic.

Eventually, we saw Ruby enter the nearly full auditorium with this dude in armor and jeans. Yang waved to her, and she hopped on over to us. The Boiz nodded our greetings, then went back to staring into silence as the insanity of a bunch of people talking at once threatened to overwhelm our senses. But our attention was secured (well, mine and Jac's, at least) when Ruby complained about having exploded. Now, that was interesting!

We just sorta listened to their conversation, though it was kinda hard to make out what Ruby was saying over the general din; she didn't exactly have what you would call a big voice, and she clearly hadn't gotten the hang of projecting. Oh, boy, that reminds me of how I had to learn to project...see, I used to work at this convenience store place called Yeets -

Ah, shit, I'm getting off track. Anyway, we then saw two other girls approaching us. One of them I knew from Signal: Lilly Azura. Aw, hell...I shoulda known she'd be at Beacon with us. See, I had a thing for her back in third year, but that fizzled pretty quickly when I found out she didn't like me back. And not like, "I'm not interested in you," but like, "I really dislike you." Apparently, it was because she hated Yang for some reason, and since we were her friends, she didn't like us, either. None of us ever asked Yang why Lilly hated her, because girl feuds are NOT to be interfered in.

Anyway, there was Lilly and this girl with white hair who I didn't know. My battle mode immediately switched on when I saw the look on the other girl's face. I'd seen that look many times before at Yeet's.

She looked like she wanted to speak with my manager.

"YOU!" she snapped. I stepped to the side to face them head-on, and Jac turned with me. Turns out, she was actually yelling at Ruby, because the girl squeaked in fear and jumped into Yang's arms. The white-haired girl started yelling at Ruby about how she almost blew them off a cliff, and I felt bad. I remembered withering like a dried flower under the wrath of many a Karen during my younger, more emotionally vulnerable years, and I thought about getting involved. But then I thought better of it; you're not supposed to get in the middle of a girl fight if you're not a girl. There was also the fact that the white-haired girl was built like cardboard, and that Ruby's overprotective brawler sister was standing right next to them. I was just waiting for Yang to punch Little Miss Karen in the face - but then the unthinkable happened:

"Look," said Yang, "It sounds like you two just got off on the wrong foot. Why don't you start over and try to be friends, OK?"

Yang, you spineless traitor! I just about jumped in, but Jac stopped me. The mean girl kept being mean, and finished with this line:

"Besides, I have much better options when it comes to people I can 'hang out' with."

Apparently, it was right then that Yang noticed Lilly standing there, and she looked really uncomfortable. Ruby, tragically oblivious to the blood feud around her, cheerfully greeted her.

"Ruby," said Yang, "I really don't think we should - "

"'Sup, losers," I was about to say as I started to butt in, but then I was so kindly interrupted by Professor Ozpin, who apparently thought his boring speech was somehow more important than my impending roast of the two offenders. Friggin' Ozpin.

So, yeah. He speeched his speech. It was actually kind of weird. That bit about 'wasted potential' really hit home; it reminded me of my early years. Anyway, Lilly definitely saw me, and she gave me the stink eye. Then we all went and ate some food, but that part's boring, so I'll just skip it. Then we went into the ballroom, where everyone was apparently going to be sleeping. The thing was, though: we were a whole bunch of horny teenagers being forced to spend twelve hours together in relatively close proximity, and wearing our nightwear.

Jesus said that we're not supposed to commit adultery in our hearts, and damn, was I a disobedient boy that night.

In my defense, literally everyone was in top shape, and there were yoga pants EVERYWHERE. Friggin' Yang was in her underwear! (Well, Yang's always in her underwear, but still!)

Now, y'all are probably wondering what I was doing that night, besides staring at random girls' asses. Obviously, I was doing the only reasonable thing to do when surrounded by a plethora of very attractive females: beating the shit out of my friends. Jac, Woodie, Yang, and I got into a four-way wrestling free-for-all that put all the other paltry physical displays to shame. It was EPIC! Woodie squashed me, of course, and Jac got suplexed by Yang. Then it was just Woodie and Yang going at it, and it was gonna be even EPICER when -

"Students!" Professor Goodwitch bellowed, cowing everyone into submission. She yelled at us about "proper conduct" and how we would have plenty of time to beat the shit out of each other later (assuming we passed Initiation). Then she untangled Woodie and Yang with her telekinesis Semblance. Cas took the opportunity to voice his opinion:

"Glynda Goodwitch's Semblance is OP!" he said for all to hear. "She needs to be nerfed!"

Goodwitch just rolled her eyes as she scooched Woodie and Yang to opposite sides of the ballroom.

"All in favor of nerfing Professor Goodwitch, say 'aye'!"

"Aye!" Me, Jac, Woodie, and Yang all said. We were pretty sure Goodwitch was holding in her laughter as she left. It was a bit of a running joke that Cas had going, as the professor had personally mentored him for some time during our days at Signal. Because of her, he had achieved a mastery of his own Semblance that none of us could hope to match. Goodwitch knew that this was just Cas's way of thanking her and letting her know that she was his greatest hero.

Things calmed down after that. Woodie entertained everyone willing to pay attention with an argument that cannibalism is acceptable in some cases. Then he started talking about how it technically isn't cannibalism if a Faunus eats a human (or vice versa) because they are different species, but Cas and I then pointed out that humans and Faunus are capable of producing fertile offspring, and that Woodie himself was living proof of that fact. Woodie wouldn't budge, and so the debate raged on until somebody cut the lights out and we all went to sleep. Well, I did, at least; I'm known for falling asleep before everyone else.