So anyway, we went to our dorm room and immediately made a mess of it when we brought in all our stuff. Then we went to sleep.

Well, I tried to go to sleep, that is. Jac, Woodie, and Cas all got into this mind-numbingly stupid debate about some dumbass Pokemon knockoff game, which I wouldn't have minded if they'd just turned the lights off. But they wouldn't, so I just buried myself under the covers in a futile attempt to sleep through the drudgery. (You'd know by now that when I think something is stupid, then it's gotta be REALLY bad.) I think my teammates realized that the debate wasn't going anywhere, because they eventually just stopped, and Cas finally cut the lights with his Semblance.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of it, because they didn't actually go to sleep. Jac and Woodie kept whispering and laughing and showing each other memes and shit, so that was a little difficult to try and sleep through. Cas kept telling them to shut up because they were getting kinda loud, ironically adding to the noise. So I just grabbed my blanket and pillow and crawled under my bed to drown out the noise, which turned out to be a very good idea; I almost managed to fall asleep.

I say "almost", because during a lull in the background noise (which I should have recognized as a bad sign), somebody - probably Woodie - crapped out the hugest, loudest, fattest fart I'd ever heard. I mean, this thing was GIGANTIC. Everybody started laughing, of course, and I bumped my head on the underside of the bed, which made everyone laugh even more. I heard laughing from RWBY's and LHSR's dorms, which were on either side of ours, which was a testament to just the sort of power this fart had.

The laughter and bullshittery went on for about ten minutes straight. Then Mean Weiss Schnee came and yelled at us for being loud, and Cas just blocked her out with an opaque Rhomboid that filled the entire doorway. At that point, my body just kinda took over, and I crashed and don't remember anything else that happened that night.


Woodie and I got up at 5:00AM the next morning, geared up for combat, and went outside to do our daily conditioning. First, we do a six-minute mile run; then, we do as many pushups, sit-ups, and squats as we can for a minute each. Usually, we cycle through these about three times, without pausing in between different exercises. Then, we start doing some basic sparring exercises, first without weapons, then with them. This part typically takes about thirty minutes as we take turns practicing various hits and blocks a million times over. Then we jog all the way back to wherever we came from. Overall, it's roughly an hour of glorious pain and misery, if you include the stretches and stuff.

We were at the jogging back part when we saw the armored guy from Team LHSR running about sixty feet ahead of us. I suggested we catch up to him because he looks awesome, which Woodie agreed with wholeheartedly. (Probably helped that the guy had a wolf-tail poking out of his armor.) So we did.

"'Sup," said Woodie as we caught up to the guy...what was his name, Randy?

"Hello," came the response. "You two are from Team JWCE, is that right?"

"Uh..." I was caught completely off-guard by the fact that the voice coming out of Randy's helmet was definitely NOT a guy's voice.

"...Yeah, that's our official team name," Woodie answered reluctantly. "Team 'JWCE'..."

"Unofficially, tho, we're the Boiz," I said after I finally found my tongue. "I'm Elias."

"Woodheart. Call me Woodie."

"Randi Asmer," said Randy.

"Nice to meet you, Randy," I said, and both of us fist-bumped her mid-jog.

"Feeling's mutual," she replied. "Though, my name is spelled Randi, not Randy."

"Ah! Gotcha. Randi, not Randy," I repeated.

"Wait - but..." Woodie looked at us like we'd said something crazy. "But you didn't spell anyth- "

"Yes, I did," I said. "I spelled it with a 'Y', but it's with an 'I'."

"What - no, you d- " Woodie sputtered. "You're literally just saying the name 'Randi' twice!"

"No," Randi corrected him. "He said 'Randi' the second time, but he said 'Randy' the first time."

"You - " Woodie looked shocked. "I can't believe it! I can't - you two are - you know what, E? Forget Lilly, there's your new girlfriend right here!"

"My, my!" Randi laughed. "I see that someone has an interest in my team leader, is that so?" And she winked at me.

"Eh," I grunted. "I mean yeah, I did once, but it turned out she hates my guts. So, I pretty much just dropped it."

"I see," Randi mused, then seemed to remember something. "Ah! I remember her telling us about your team last night; she claimed that the four of you cheated during Initiation." She raised an eyebrow. "I wonder if that had anything to do with how your team was named?"

"Well..." said Woodie, evidently having set the spelling issue aside for the time being. "Technically, we didn't break any rules - Ozpin admitted it himself. But yeah, that's why we're, uh, Juice."

"At least it wasn't 'Fudgesicle', tho," I muttered. Randi chuckled at that. Then she asked why exactly Lilly didn't like me, so we gave her the whole spiel about Yang and all. By then, the three of us had gotten pretty close to the school, and we kinda went quiet for a bit.

"Well," Randi broke the silence, "I must say I enjoyed the company. I'm looking forward to meeting you both on the sparring floor."

"Yeah, same here," Woodie panted.

"Yep," I said, and then I had an evil plan. "Last-one-to-the-showers-is-gae!" I said super fast, and took off running. I could hear Woodie making a confused noise as I did, and I knew the advantage was mine!

Well, until Randi caught up with me ten seconds later, a look of hardened determination etched into her features. Then she passed me by - and not to brag, but that's no easy feat! - and charged through the school doors like a freight train running on jet fuel and methamphetamines. I kinda lost steam after seeing that chad-like display of dominance, and I didn't realize my mistake in slowing down until I was yoinked off my feet and thrown backwards. Woodie ran past me and through the doors with a triumphant laugh, leaving me outside on my ass - sad, defeated, and gae.

FML.


After we showered, Woodie and I went to get food at the cafeteria. I got a message from Jac asking to get some for him and Cas, so we got four meals. The two of us ate our food right away because we were starving after our workout. It was only when we got up to leave that we realized we'd also eaten our teammates' food, so we got our fat asses back in line to get some more. No regrets.

We went back up to our dorm with the food. Cas was sitting on his bed with his eyes closed, doing some sort of brain puzzle exercise thing with his Semblance that Goodwitch taught him. It looked super complicated - kind of like a visual fugue.

"Yaw, where's Jac at?" I said, as our leader wasn't there.

Oh, right. I probably should've mentioned by now that Jac is our leader. I mean, it was kinda obvious from how the letters of our team name were arranged, but you know. For real, though - Ozpin may be a troll, but he knew what he was doing when he made Jac the leader. Now, I know what you might be thinking: up until this point, Jac doesn't really seem to have any particularly notable qualities that would make him a good leader - no awesome strategies, no silver tongue, and lots of memes. That might be so, but you gotta remember: we are the Boiz. And when it comes to finding a leader for the Boiz, one finds that it's less of a matter of finding good leadership qualities than avoiding actively bad ones. So when you consider that Jac is neither edgy (like Woodie), bad with people (like Cas), or just retarded (like yours truly), you begin to see why he's the best option available.

"He went to go fix his boots. Again." Cas opened one eye. "And Elias, if you're gonna drop random expository text blocks, don't do it in the middle of a conversation. It's really annoying."

"Well, why don't you narrate this fucking fanfic, then," I retorted, tossing a bag of food at him.

Cas caught the bag on a Rhomboid platform and sighed. "Ehhh...nah, too much effort. Also, I'd like to keep my sanity intact for the time being."

"Well," said Woodie as he flopped down on his bed, "If Jac's not here, I'm just gonna eat his food, if that's alright."

"Ooh! Can I have the hash browns?"

"No."

"Fatty."

Woodie nailed me in the face with a hash brown, which I then proceeded to stuff in my mouth. Yaaaay, big happy.


The first class we had was Grimm Studies with Professor Port. RWBY and JNPR sat at the front with us and CRDL behind them, respectively, and LHSR was behind us. Everybody else was in the back because they're a bunch of scrubs.

Professor Port was a fat guy with a mustache, a shotgun, and no shits to give whatsoever. He spent the whole class teaching us life lessons that didn't have anything to do with Grimm and that were overly saturated with self-aggrandizement. Suffice it to say, he immediately became my favorite teacher at Beacon, and I hung on to every word he said. Everybody else seemed to think he was super boring, which I really didn't and still don't understand.

Anyway, I saw Ruby doodling something and was curious. (My teammates were pretty much asleep by this point.)

"Yo, what dat?" I whispered down to her. She snickered and showed me her masterpiece, titled, "Professor Poop" - a caricature of Port. Hmm...I liked the concept, but felt it was somewhat on the tame side. I decided to one-up her, so I got to work on my own drawing. It actually turned out a lot better than I thought it would, and I showed Ruby my crude, stick-figure rendition of "Ozpimp and Hookerwitch", the former hitting the latter over the head with his cane. She went bug-eyed and barely managed to keep it in as she showed it to Weiss, who then looked at me like I'd committed a war crime or something. Then Ruby showed my magnum opus to Yang, and of course she just exploded laughing. Friggin' Yang.

Well, Professor Port obviously heard that, so he stopped talking and came over to see what the hell was going on. He grabbed both Ruby's and my drawings and looked at them.

"Who drew these pictures?" he said loudly, looking over the class. Team RWBY all pointed at me.

"Hey, wait a minute," I protested. "I only drew the Ozpimp one, not the Professor Poop one!"

As you might guess, everybody laughed at that - well, everyone who was awake. Everybody else, including Jac and Woodie, was woken up by the noise. (Cas was still asleep, but I think he was just pretending at this point.)

"Ah, yes," said Port menacingly. "Professor 'Poop'. Well, then, Mister Greene - if it wasn't you who drew that one, then who did?"

Ruby looked super nervous and embarrassed, and I felt pretty bad for throwing her under the bus like that...

...until I realized that I didn't necessarily have to!

"Weiss drew it."

"WHAT?!" Weiss shrieked indignantly as everybody gasped.

"Oh really," said Port, looming over her. "Is this true, Miss Schnee?"

"Wha - no, of course it isn't!" she stammered.

"Oh, yes it is!" I countered. "Weiss drew Professor Poop! Isn't that right?"

"Oh yeah, it's true," Woodie nodded. "Only Weiss could draw that badly."

"Uhh, yup," said Yang, obviously favoring her little sister over her mean teammate. "It was Weiss, alright."

"Uh, yeah, sure," said Jac, and then he went right back to sleep. Weiss, of course, looked like she wanted to murder us all, but Port cut her off before she could get a word out.

"Well, I never!" Port said sternly, hands on his hips. "Contrary to your apparently adolescent notions, Miss Schnee, the creatures of Grimm are no laughing matter - much less the exploits of the greatest huntsman who ever lived!" We didn't have to guess as to whom he was referring. "But - I am willing to give you a second chance to show me that you do, indeed, possess the merits and qualities of a Huntress-in-training. I have brought here today a creature of Grimm which I have captured using my brilliant expertise! Face it down and defeat it, and I will look past this little slight of yours." Then he looked at me. "And as for you, Mister Greene, you will come speak to me in my office immediately after class."

Weiss sort of sputtered, but otherwise didn't complain; the notion of me getting in trouble seemed to help with that. She got out of her seat and went to the front of the classroom, not needing to change clothes because fighting Grimm is a requirement of Grimm studies (duh), and so we all have to wear our combat gear to class.

I sensed motion behind me, and I turned to see Lilly raising her hand super high like an annoying teacher's pet. Shit - I should've known she'd try to thwart my plan and tell Port the truth! I elbowed Woodie and subtly motioned back towards her. He turned around and whispered in her general direction, "Nobody cares about what you have to say...". The effect was immediate: Lilly's hand dropped to her desk, and her gaze fell resignedly. Unfortunately, it looked like he'd also accidentally gotten her teammate whose name I forgot, because she looked like she was gonna cry. Ah, well...casualties of war, I guess.

You know, now that it's suddenly relevant, I should probably tell you about Woodie's Semblance -

"Elias, what the fuck did we just talk about this morning?!" Cas yelled.

"I'm not interrupting dialogue, stupidass! You said - "

"No, you're interrupting a fight scene, which is even worse!"

"Dafuq, then why didn't you say anything when I described your Semblance back in Chapter 3?! That shit was a whole essay by itself!"

"Yeah, but that was right at the end - "

"And this fight hasn't even started, so what are you complaining about?!"

"Alright, fine! You can talk about Woodie's Semblance! Gosh."

"Nah, too late. I'm saving that for next chapter now. This one's taking too long anyway."

"K, whatever." Then Cas went back to sleep like nothing happened, with nobody else having noticed our dialogue.

ANYWAY...Port went off and came back hauling this huge cage with something screeching and crashing around inside, and plopped it down on the floor.

"Gooo, Weiss!" Yang cheered.

"Boo, Weiss!" I cheered.

"Fight well," said Blake.

"You suck!" encouraged Woodie.

"Yaay, Weiss! Represent Team RWBY!" said Ruby. And Mean Weiss yelled at Ruby - not me, not Woodie, not even Yang, but RUBY - for "distracting" her. Dafuq? I mean, yeah, Ruby drew the picture - but she didn't blame Weiss for anything, and she was being nothing but supportive! Woodie and I looked at each other like, "Bruh", then resumed our booing. Weiss stared down the cage, prepared to do battle against whatever the hell Port had managed to wrangle into there. The Professor smashed the lock with his axe-gun-thing, and out charged...

...a Boarbatusk.

Aw, man - that was it? I mean, they're fairly tough Grimm, but they're also easy to exploit if you know how; your average Beacon student should be able to take one down by themselves. Weiss was getting off pretty easy, here.

...Or maybe not! The Boarbatusk charged her, and they fought for a bit. Weiss was skilled, no doubt about that, but it didn't seem like she knew quite what she was doing. Ruby must've noticed this, too, because she told her how to kill it - by going for the underbelly. Well, Weiss apparently doesn't like helpful advice, and she yelled at Ruby again, who looked miserable. Then the Boarbatusk disarmed Weiss and knocked her down.

"HA, HA, HA!" Me and Woodie pointed at her and laughed loudly. Served her right. Ruby looked back at us as if to say, Please don't provoke my teammate even further, she's gonna take it all out on me later! Not to worry, Ruby - we intended to deal with Weiss later.

Weiss killed the Boarbatusk, like we all knew she would. Then class ended, so everybody left except the me, because I still had to go see Port in his office. I wasn't terribly worried; the worst I'd probably get was a detention, and I can live with that if it comes down to it.

So anyway, Port sat me down in his office and didn't say anything - he just closed the door. Then he took out the picture of Ozpimp and Hookerwitch. He looked at it, and then at me, and then back at it, and back at me.

And then he burst out laughing.

"This..." He had to pause to take a breath. "In all my years of teaching, I have never..." He laughed some more. "This is pure GOLD! I am going to keep this drawing in my office for the rest of my life, if that's alright with you, Mister Greene."

"Well, Professor, I'd be honored," I said, feeling both relieved and validated.

"Yes...now before you go, understand that as far as Professors Ozpin and Goodwitch are concerned, this conversation never happened."

"Completely understood."

Port dismissed me, but as I opened the door, I saw Ruby waiting outside and looking very small.

"Ah, Miss Rose," said Port. "Is there anything I can help y-"

"IT WAS ME, PROFESSOR! I DREW PROFESSOR POOOOOP!" Ruby bawled. Then she saw me and immediately covered her mouth.

Uh-oh...


So, long story short, Port explained to Ruby that nobody was actually in trouble for drawing in class, and that he was going to have somebody fight the Boarbatusk anyway - Weiss just presented a perfect opportunity to deviate from picking someone at random, which he normally does. Then Port ended up giving me detention after all because I lied about who drew the picture.

K, I'm done writing now, y'all losers gonna have to wait for next chapter.