I STILL cry when I thought of Willicia, every single time. So I have to put my feelings in words, I have to set my grief down, or else I feel like I would explode. Not a story, no plot, just feelings and emotions and devastation and agony. Sorry for being so dark, but don't blame me, blame the Kings. (Just kidding, they wrote a BEAUTIFUL love story, sad, but beautiful)
Disclaimer: If it's mine, Will wouldn't die.
Who would've thought breathing could be such a curse, she thought. For a moment, she almost envied him, peacefully sleeping eternally, deep in the ground away from the screeching pain, oblivious to the atrocity of the grotesque reality.
But that was the selfish part of her. She didn't have enough courage to love when he was alive, then now, she had to have enough courage to live. For him. She owed him that much. She was relief that it wasn't Will who had to endure the perpetual agony of having the heart gruesomely ripped out of the chest, having limbs violently torn apart, having life forcibly shredded into million pieces. It wasn't Will who had to drown in regrets over and over and over again. It wasn't Will who got burned by sunlight, crushed by surrounding air, swallowed by the ground. Somehow, dying was easy, living was hard. If shattering herself every day could let Will rest in peace, then it would be the one last thing that she could do for him – to live.
When the grief washed over her, it cleared out all the lies, the hideous façade, the denial. She almost enjoyed the pain, couldn't help but let herself indulge in grief. Because the more pain she inflicted onto herself, the easier it was to ease the guilt, easier to tell herself she deserved every bit of it. The excruciating pain was unbearable, but it was also righteous. The ultimate punishment for her betrayal, her selfishness, her cowardice, and her weakness.
The truth was that Will was not the only one who died that day. On that day, the bullet pierced through not only Will's neck, but also Will's Alicia. She watched herself died with Will – Jeffrey Grant killed the Alicia that Will loved, the Alicia that she wanted to be, the Alicia that was capable of feeling happy. She tried to pick up the remaining fragments of her heart, and tried to piece herself back together for the sake of her children. But a puzzle with so many missing pieces, you could never make out what the full picture was. She didn't know what's left of her. She didn't know who she was anymore.
So she started to resent everything. She hated the fact that the clock still ticks, the sun still rises and falls at the same time every day, the earth still spinning on its axis. She hated people's laughter, cars' honking, the city's bustling. She hated that Peter was still going to fancy fundraising dinners and smiled in front of the cameras. She hated that Cary was still shaking hands with clients that he poached from L/G, and worked like nothing else was important. She hated that Grace was still going on movie nights with her best friends, Zach still blasting rock music in his room. She hated that the world keeps turning.
Why didn't everything just stop?
How could you live in a world which Will Gardner doesn't exist, and still act like it is okay?
Loosing Will was heartbreaking enough. What's worse, was the fact that at the moment when his life slipped away like sand, she wasn't sure if he knew just how much she loved him. Looking at her surrounding, it's like she was living inside a time machine, going backward in time, passing through all the memories like a train passing through a city. As she looked at her life in a third person perspective, she could see all the missed moments where she could've changed her life and given her heart to Will, all the what-if's, all the lost opportunities. How many times she could've told him those three words that had become a taboo between them, just because she was selfish, because she was stupid, because she was a coward? Now she screamed, and screamed, and screamed… using every fiber of her being to shout hysterically at the top of her lungs, yet her I love you's would never be loud enough to be heard from heaven, her heart would never reach him. Like shouting into an empty void, all she could hear was the echo of her own voice.
It's too late.
Now, Grace had to make dinner for most evenings, because she zoned out, got lost in her memory when she was cooking, left the stove on and almost burn the house down. Laundry had become Zach's responsibility, because she got distracted and put dirty clothes in the dryer. Even when she signed the divorce paper, she did it so mindlessly that Peter wondered if she remembers how to sign her name or not. She'd lost the capability to be a mother, to be a wife, to be herself. She forgot how to be Alicia Florrick.
She was so exhausted, so tired of being alive. She sat down on a bench in a park, didn't remember how she got there and why she got there. But then she saw two young boys were throwing a baseball to each other. She could almost hear Will's voice. He would've told her how their postures were not good enough. She ordered pizza for her kids. She thought Will would've asked for extra cheese and no olive. She saw Will's favorite comedy show on TV. She could hear Will's laughter. She saw her neighbor's new dog jumped up and down when his owner came home. Will would've run to play and roll on the floor with the dog. She heard music coming from the coffee shop. She knew Will would've spent hours telling her about his favorite jazz band.
Suddenly, she felt his presence. She didn't remember how to be the old Alicia Florrick anymore. But she knew how to be Will Gardner. She needed to see the world for Will. She needed to try that new restaurant for Will. She needed to watch the baseball game for Will. She needed to laugh like a banshee for Will. She needed to argue that new case for Will. She needed to go running in the morning for Will. She needed to tell that joke for Will, watch that movie for Will, play the guitar for Will. She needed to be Will's eyes and arms and legs. She needed to be proud of herself, like how Will was proud of her. She needed to be happy for Will.
She needed to love herself, for Will.
So she picked up the fragments of herself, and tried to give Alicia Florrick a new definition. She didn't remember how to be herself, that means she could decide who she wanted to be from now on. Every second of the rest of her life, every breath that she would take, every step that she would walk, would be done in honor of Will Gardner.
Will could never tell her he loves her anymore. But it's okay, she had enough love for both of them. She would love him and love herself for both of them. She looked up to the sky and smiled with tears in her eyes and whispered.
I will love you forever.
