Chapter 7

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them."

-C. JoyBell C.

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April 24th, 2021

Dear Dean:

Every time I write a letter in this old journal, I believe that it's magically sent to you, and you chuckle while reading them. Maybe even get a little teary eyed when you read the emotional parts of them.

I can imagine you would be trying to convince me to have fun with girls, and all those things you used to do. Break the law, and flirt like a pro. The "Impala 67" username on Tinder always caught the girls' attention.

I have not done a lot of progress when it comes to accepting the fact that you're gone, and you won't answer your phone ever again.

Remember the time when you were going to hell and I told you I had to learn how to be like you to survive in this world by myself? Well, I suck at that. Every time I tried to do it, I messed up the world. Quite literally, I almost burned the planet to the ground and got innocent people killed. You were always the one that guided me and helped me be a better person. You saved me from becoming a monster.

I'm not quite sure if what I'm doing is the right thing. I'm falling in love with Genevieve, while trying to pretend that everything is okay. I wonder what could go wrong now, without Chuck being in the middle. Things always go wrong for us. It ends bloody. I don't wanna hurt anymore.

I'm not good at being as strong as you were. I will never be strong enough.

Last week, I drove towards California with Miracle. I told Erik I needed a couple days off to get away from here, but I'd be back before he decided I could not work there anymore. To my surprise, he laughed and said Zac would take over my shift.

Last time I went to my favourite place in California was back in 2005. I went to the beach with Jessica and some other friends in a few occasions. My friends would get drunk, but I was not that kind of college kid. I was always the really nerd one, the one that lived to read books and sleep before eleven PM, so I could go to class early.

I think I never mentioned this to you, but Jess was very similar, and she accepted me into her life without forcing me to answer questions about my past. She loved to read history books just for pleasure and play chess with me during weekends. One time, when were preparing ourselves for the finals, we would ask each other the main questions we knew they'd ask during the exams. Needless to say, I passed the test, and so did Jess.

Sorry.

I lost track of what I really wanted to say. This is not about her. It's about you and me. About some unfinished business we had. Miracle is good at walking without a leash on, so I let him run ahead of me, while my feet were in contact with the hot sand underneath them, and the waves were whipping the shore without mercy.

You wanted us to go to the beach together once we retired from hunting monsters. The breeze was soft, and the sky was clear. We must have walked for hours, but I was not aware of that. I noticed that Miracle was getting tired, so I picked him up, carrying him all the way back to the car.

Even though I could afford a decent hotel room for the night, I slept in a random motel room on my way back to the cabin. It's the only thing I know it was real. The only place we could afford and call a temporary home when we were kids and young adults.

I could have stayed one or two more days in California, but Palo Alto was too close for my liking. Like I said, I wanna stay as far away from Chuck's book as I can. Even from Jess, until I'm ready to face that part of my life again.

Erik was surprised to see me come back earlier than expected, yet he told me that I could still use those days off to focus on myself. He recently told me he lost his big brother when he was fourteen years old in a car accident. Jim, his brother, was really protective of him as well.

For the first time in my life, I really opened up to someone who was not you, Jack or Cass, telling him things you already know by now.

I told him about the "old house" I left before coming here, and the clothes I kept inside the many duffel bags sitting in the corner of the place I live in. Your clothes.

He told me that, at some point, I had to donate the ones I would not wear. All we used and sometimes shared, were flannels and jackets, but there were some jeans and shoes that did not fit me. According to you, I am some sort of giant man that cannot fit in normal people's clothes, or even cars.

Today, I opened up those bags while holding my breath, and separated the clothes I wanted to keep from the ones I would give to someone in need. I felt so guilty, but relieved to be able to touch the fabric you once wore again. I also found the Amulet I gave you for Christmas when we were young kids. You loved that thing. That one is staying with me as well. One day I will wear it, and the only thing I will feel is the love you left behind on this earth.

It's been a hard day today, but I'm not gonna make the same mistake again. I'm not getting wasted or puke my guts out. I can be better than that broken version of Sam Winchester.

Tomorrow I'm dropping the clothes off to a shelter home, and then keep on working on the garage.

Wish you were here. Without archangels or demons trying to kill us, life is almost beautiful.

Hope you're waiting for me up there, you Jerk.

Sammy

Author's Note: Hey guys! Thank you for the new reviews! You are the best ️

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See ya soon!