Chapter 15

"What I like about photographs is that they capture a moment that's gone forever, impossible to reproduce."
Karl Lagerfeld

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July 5th, 2022

Dear Dean:

I am losing track of time. I promised to write you soon, but weeks passed by, and I was not aware of what my mind is doing to me.

It has happened before, but now I can tell it is affecting me in ways it didn't before living with Genevieve. Two nights ago, I fell asleep in the Impala's backseat, parked in the middle of nowhere, while Gen slept alone in our bed.

Something is bugging me, and I can't shake that feeling away. It all started when we went to the doctor's appointment, and she told us the baby was a boy.

It is a little boy. I am happy, don't get me wrong. It just… hurts.

The Doctor congratulated us, and told us the baby was fine, despite the high-risk pregnancy. He is growing just like he's supposed to.

Gen started crying happy tears, while I stared blankly at the screen in front of me, seeing his little body constantly moving inside Gen's womb. I didn't have any preferences when it came to the gender, but when I thought about the name the baby would be carrying, my world fell down to pieces.

It took me a couple seconds to compose myself again, and hug Genevieve with a bad drawn smile on my face. She was too excited about the news to notice I wanted to run of that room. It shouldn't have affected me that way it did, but again, nothing is easy, especially when you're a Winchester.

Later that day, I went for a jog, and on the way back home, I saw two young boys playing together in the park. One was older, and it was helping the younger boy climb a medium sized tree. I saw you and me when we were kids, and dad would still take us somewhere where we could have a little fun. We could be normal boys for a while, until things got worse, and our life was based on dirty motels with cold water in the middle of December

For a moment, I wanted to be the younger kid, and have a big brother that kept me safe again. Safe from my own self-destructive thoughts. Safe from the nightmares I have been having every night since you've been gone.

Everyone says "Sorry for your loss", but that fixes nothing. There is a black hole that swallows everything in front of it, but the worst part is I don't want to stop it. It feels like living another apocalypse, with the only difference that this one lives within me.

It feels like being in the cage with Lucifer again, but the pain is a million times worse than the torture he ever did on me.

It has been over a year and a half since I last saw you. It's not fair I get to live and your body got to be burned away off of this ground.

I am mad. I want something I can't have, and all I've got left are photos of us.

Gen has been asking me what is wrong with me lately, but I say that everything's okay. We were professional liars, so I know what to say when I want to be left alone to my thoughts. Truth is that when she falls asleep, I go to the room where I keep our cellphones and other belongings, and see you and me growing old through the years in them. I even found that stupid photo I forgot it existed. The one you took of me with a spoon in my mouth while I was sleeping in the car.

I've been told by Zac that I should go to therapy. That's crap. You and I know that.

I don't need a damn therapist to realize how messed up my life is. They dig into your life and deepest desires. They encourage you to move on, when all I want is to be where I was two years ago. Fighting against Chuck, with Cass and Jack among us.

I have lost everyone for good, and I can't accept that. I think I forgot to tell you this, but I tried to save Cass after you passed away. I couldn't make a deal or found any spell that worked.

I have so many people that care about me, yet I feel so abandoned. This feeling won't go away. It will only get a little lighter to carry.

I told you I slept in the car a few days ago; because I told Genevieve I was going to see you at the cemetery. She wanted to come with me, but I discouraged her to join me. My misery does not like to be witnessed by other eyes than mine.

While I was in Kansas, I stopped the Impala in front of the Bunker. I hadn't seen it in a very long time, but going there was not part of the plan.

My mind was not clear enough to warn me about the consequences that decision would do to me.

I got out of the Impala, and walked towards the locked door. My fingertips made contact with the warm metal object, as I remembered where I hid the key. I could see it. I could trace the path from the front door towards the kitchen, the bedrooms and dungeon hidden behind the metal shelf.

Hell, I wanted to go back in so bad. I convinced myself not to do it, but my brain started to think about a possible belonging of yours I might have forgotten inside it.

I drove away back to my home feeling numb, as I passed the speed limit trying to focus on what was going on with me. I was fine, and then I wasn't again. I started to remind myself about what was keeping me alive, and think about what was killing me from the inside.

My future wife and son. Miracle and you.

All the crap I have been forcing to drown in the bottom of the ocean is floating in the surface of my mind again, and I don't know how to sink it back in.

The fear and loneliness are coming back. I don't intend to be the strongest human on earth. I just want to learn how to survive in a world that is far too complicated for my liking.

I just need to survive this internal war without the air that was my fuel to keep on going no matter what happened.

I will do better. I owe everyone that effort, don't you think that?

Sammy

Author's Note: Hey guys. This chapter was not supposed to be depressing at all. It is just me being in a dark place today. I figured Sam struggled about changes in his life too, so I wrote this instead.

As Sam said, I will do better.

Thank you for the reviews! Please, let me know what you think about this new chapter. I will probably start posting new chapters during the weekends.

See you soon!

KW.-