Chapter 18
"There is more than one road to spiritual salvation. We discover a philosophical way of living by encountering the world, culling knowledge from all available resources, and thinking reverently about life."
― Kilroy J. Oldster, Dead Toad Scrolls
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May 7th, 2024
Dear Dean:
Life is not a fairy tale. I knew that already, but when you think things cannot get worse, they usually do. We both believed in fairy tales before mom was killed, and then all hell broke loose.
I have not touched this journal in a very long time. I do have an explanation for that, but I wanted to clarify that I do not feel the need to write letters every month for you to hear my words. It has been a little over three years since you have been gone, and I realized I am just beginning to heal the trauma of all the things we have been through since forever. What I mean is that I am trying to forget about what happened that day. Call it denial if you want to, although I should have passed that stage a long time ago, according to my therapist. What he does not know is that you are somewhere where I will find you when the time is right.
Dean-Bear has changed so much since the last time I wrote you a letter. He's about to be a year and a half already and he is a WILD one. I mean it.
His eyes turned brown, and has my hair. Gen adores brushing his long wavy locks while he watches cartoons in the rainy afternoons. He climbs on furniture, touches everything his hands can reach, including sharp objects. I cannot leave him alone for a second since he started walking. He has also started to talk, or he's trying to, at least.
He says "Dada" and "Mama", and loves to call his grandparents as well through facetime. I show him your picture on daily bases, telling him you are his uncle Dean. He likes to point at pictures of us, and when he sees your face, says "Unca Dean!" with a smile on his face. Gosh, this kid amazes me every day with new words or silly faces. I can tell he loves you already.
The reason why I have not written to you was that Gen and I are going through a tough time. Two tragic events have happened very recently within the family circle. Erik was diagnosed with spleen cancer ten months ago. He has already started chemotherapy and radiation. He also has to take pills doctors gave him. I am no doctor, but all these treatments seem to be helping. I see Gen crying herself to sleep most nights, and as much as it hurts to say it, I am sad; but I also got used to lose the ones I love. I hope Erik can be cured. He is a great man, and he saved me from being damned for the rest of my existence by giving me that job. The loss of a loved one is what hits you the hardest. I know that feeling too well.
The other thing is harder for me to write it or say it aloud. Last week, Gen had a miscarriage. She was seven weeks pregnant with our second baby. We knew it could happen, but the obstetrician told us we were lucky to have Dean with us. She said her body could not go through another pregnancy without putting her life in danger.
She is in bed all day during her free weekends, and with Erik being ill, the waves are hitting us harder than we expected. It seems that life has a false sense of the right balance between moments of struggle and happiness.
I am trying to help her as much as I can, while I take care of our toddler and continue to work and study. Those two things are my only material source to get grounded. It is my turn to comfort her; even if I can barely contain myself from the pain I am in.
Man, if you and Bobby were here, things would be much better.
We would have loved to have another baby, but I can't lose Gen. I won't let that happen.
Dean Junior would have had a sibling to play with. Having you by my side has been the greatest treasure life gave me for three decades. We both wanted DJ to experience that as well. At least he has Miracle by his side. They are close with each other, and he is very patient with my one-year-old chaotic kid. He has gotten a lot older and does not run as fast as he used to. He is still a very happy dog, though.
I just wanted to keep writing. It feels like the right thing to do, for as long as I can do it.
I am aware I said this many times before, but I miss you more and more with each passing day.
Sammy
Author's Note: Hey guys. Sorry I have not written in a long time. College has been driving me crazy! Honestly, I could use some ideas to keep this fic going, if you want me to do so.
Please, feel free to share some ideas for future chapters and leave a review if you have a minute. I really feel bad for Sam and Gen. Hope Erik gets better. He is such a nice character and loves our Sammy!
Thank you for all the support and love towards this story!
