Chapter 20
"Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart."
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
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July 11th, 2026
Dear Dean:
I am definitely getting old now. Can you believe I forgot where the journal was once I packed it? I have been looking for it since last October, but somehow, my brain was not cooperating with me.
Gen and I decided to move to Lawrence a couple months ago. It is closer to you, and the place that once was our home when we were two very young boys. The place where our story began.
I can see the house when I go for my weekly jogs with DJ sitting in his stroller, and while doing my research, someone told me that the young woman who lived there with her kids back then moved away. There is an old couple living there now. The tree is gone, but there are beautiful flowers that indicate the old woman's love for gardening.
It is sad to see familiar places again as you grow older, especially when your soul does not change throughout that process. I had not seen the house since 2005, so it shook my bones all over again, but somehow, it made me realize that nothing remains the same, no matter how long you fight it.
I try not to think about it often, but when my eyes made contact with those four walls that one afternoon, I assimilated that I was the only survivor. The one that got away with what I always wanted to do; or something similar to that anyways.
Dean is now three years old, and he is starting to ask questions about us. He formulates longer sentences these days, and likes to know things about you, mom and dad.
D-Bear was surprised when I reminded him he shares his first name with you. You should have seen those big brown eyes, filled with pure curiosity, when he wondered how two people could have the same name.
He is a sensitive kid, but does not cry when he falls to the ground or throws too many tantrums, like other toddlers I have seen. He got that attitude from you and Gen as well. The first time I truly saw him cry of sadness was two weeks ago, when Miracle passed away. He died naturally, with nine years of life on his shoulders. I miss him already, but I know he is with you. They were one soul divided in two parts; sometimes cuddling on the couch for hours, while Dean watched those new weird cartoons meant for kids on Netflix. After he passed, I told DJ to draw him something inside the house, as I buried his favorite friend in our backyard, so he didn't see the full reality of what death means yet. He is far too young to comprehend that concept. As far as he knows, he went with his uncle to play fetch for a while.
He handed me the drawing of him and little Miracle right after I placed him in his forever-resting place. I said he could put it on top of the blanket that kept him warm if he wanted to, but with teary eyes, he refused to do so, and said, "I don't like to do it alone, daddy".
I felt him. His words hit me harder than I expected. I hate to do this alone as well. He has been asking when Miracle will come back home, and sometimes I don't know what to answer, so Gen steps in. Parenting is a hard thing to do.
Gen is an amazing mom. She talks to him about different things to distract him, and leaves me some space to drive the Impala on my own for hours. He was all I had left from what it was supposed to be our new life together. Love doesn't know about distance, but memories know how to hurt you the most when you least expect it.
On a happier note, I totally forgot to mention that Erik is finally cancer free, and now he comes visit us along with Camille every few weeks. The world's grown twisted. It forces you to move along with it, and it is a bittersweet experience to live; no matter the age your body carries. I lost people I would have died for, but I gained something in return, if it makes any sense at all. What I mean is that I think that losing everything you have is the price you have to pay for breathing this earth's contaminated air. What is going to be of my only son when he is older, and he has to do things on his own? How am I going to protect him from all of this? Aside from the hunting life, I don't have too many lessons to teach him. Life itself is hard on everyone. It changes you, whether you like that or not. I don't want to see him cry like that again, although I know it will happen someday.
Now I understand why dad wanted me to stay with the both of you the night I left for Stanford. Ever since my child started feeling more independent, I couldn't help but think if I am doing the right thing for him as an educated civilian who's now a math teacher. As a father, am I preparing him for what's to come in the future? How can I do that without disappointing him? We all know good intentions sometimes lead you downstairs in a blink of an eye.
Dad and I had our disagreements; I will recognize that to you and only you. I respect him so much for all he did for us, though. Would he have been proud of me if I had stayed in Stanford and married Jess instead? You would have known the answer to that question.
What defined me was marked by God's handwriting. I was meant to be Lucifer's vessel and die under Michael's hands, using your body to do so. We made our own choices most of the time, defying all odds. I believe we did it.
Now that Jack is the new God, I am sure he will look after DJ after Gen and I are no longer with him. I would love to hear one of those epic speeches of yours right now. You were my biggest inspiration, even when we were about to bite each other's throats sometimes.
Hug Miracle for me, will you? Tell him we miss him here.
Sammy
Author's note: Hey guys! Thank you for the reviews and love! Hope you are still enjoying this story! I accept suggestions for future chapters and reviews as well ;) See you soon!
KW.-
