Chapter 4
Grizabella was only taken away from her thoughts once Tugger turned his eyes away, pulling on his mane and saying something she couldn't hear; and before she could limp towards him, he was gone, disappearing behind the old TSE car. The sound of hissing reminded her that they weren't the only ones on the stage.
The small tuxedo tom walked over to her, a blue and a yellow eye looking her up and down curiously, as if trying to assess who she was and what she was doing there without making any questions. She smiled at him, quite surprised to have someone come so close unprompted. There was something about him that she couldn't quite pinpoint, but it felt familiar.
The small moment between the two was broken by a dark gray paw on the tux's chest, which quickly pushed him away from her. And when Grizabella turned to the owner of the paw, she found herself staring into the serious blue eyes of her middle son.
Grizabella didn't know how to fully process the emotion on Munkustrap's eyes, but it was so terribly familiar, she knew she didn't need to. He was showing her, without the need of words, that she was not welcome there.
It hurt, but Grizabella almost felt as if she was growing used to it.
Ignoring the gray tom and his defensive stance, a small kitten walked over to the old queen. She was pretty, with spiky headfur and a lovely red coloring to her coat. She reminded her a bit of someone else, someone much older. But the kitten's eyes were blue, just like Munkustrap's. Could it be? Her granddaughter? And right beside the kitten another one crept closer, very similar to the first, but golden like the sun, with eyes of a similar coloring.
Grizabella barely had the chance to react to the small paw reaching for her, before a larger, ginger one pushed it down. She turned to the cat, recognizing Skimbleshanks, the Railway Cat and her sister's mate. He glared at her, keeping himself between her and the two kittens.
"Who is she…?" She was able to hear the soft, tiny voice of the reddish kitten ask, being shushed by Skimbleshanks.
Grizabella tried ignoring the fact that her own granddaughter didn't know who she was. After all, what should she expect?
It didn't take more than two limping steps for Grizabella's mind to be taken away from it anyway, as another cat approached her. She recognized the vibrant red of the queen before even turning to face her.
Bombalurina circled her, yellow eyes zeroing on the older queen with such intensity that Grizabella almost felt herself shiver under it. She kept herself composed, as she had learned to do once faced with rejection and scornful glares. Still Bombalurina's glare got to her almost as much as her son's.
Now all Bombalurina had to show Grizabella was despise, she could hear it in the tortoiseshell's hiss right beside her ear. The hiss transmitted so much, so many things that Grizabella was almost sure were only shared between her, the red queen and her sister.
Grizabella averted her eyes, embarrassed, ashamed; feeling the stare of countless others falling over her, hearing the hushed whispers of the other cats and also feeling the lingering presence of Munkustrap, trailing closely behind her.
Another cat came towards her, another kitten, this one another interesting tone of reds and oranges; her eyes were yellow and just as curious as the other kittens'. But Grizabella couldn't reach the extended paw before someone else intervened, just like before.
"Electra!" The well-known voice of her middle sister hissed and the kitten stared with confusion and surprise, before crawling away.
And Jennyanydots turned to Grizabella. She didn't spoke, but there was no need for words, the hard stare of her normally kind green eyes and the disapproving shake of head were enough.
"No, you go!"
"Just shut up and do it!"
Grizabella's attention was pulled away from her sister by the whispering of young voices and she was surprised to turn around and see one of the tom kittens raise his head towards her in clear interest.
He crawled closer, just a few steps, and reached for her. He smiled, gesturing for her to come closer. And Grizabella couldn't help but smile back. She could feel Munkustrap not too far from her, clearly keeping a close eye not only on her but the kitten as well.
That was a change of pace… No one had welcomed her back in such a way… She noticed the way the other cats reacted around, surprised at the tom kit's boldness, but no one step forward to stop him.
Her fingers were almost touching the young paw, when she saw him unsheathe his claws. He was quick, suddenly swiping at her whole forearm. Grizabella felt his claws grazing her skin, barely sinking into it, but leaving a lingering sting to her weakened, old arm.
Grizabella cowered, startled and confused, as she heard the snickering of young voices, being shushed by the barely there scolding of the other cats.
Of course… What should she expect?
And to think no one actually moved to stop the young tom…
"Griz-" She heard the beginning of her name being called, the rest being such a soft whisper her old ears couldn't fully pick up. Still, Grizabella would recognize that voice anywhere.
She turned to the source, finding herself face to face with Demeter. The golden queen looked at her with saddened eyes, reaching for her with her dainty paws, taking slow and hesitant steps. Grizabella's eyes softened. She had seen the poor golden queen in a similar state so many times before; right now, despite fully grown into a beautiful queen, Demeter looked terribly similar to the little orphan that Grizabella had found in the streets so long ago.
Grizabella offered her a smile, reaching for her paws and then…
Demeter was gone, skittishly running away and shielding herself with her arms.
For a moment, Grizabella didn't know how to react. She had always been the one that Demeter ran to when something was troubling her; even in captivity, whenever Grizabella was present, Demeter would come to her, for protection, reassurance…
Now she ran for her, as if she was her captor.
Grizabella turned to the sweet golden queen, feeling as if a fist tightened it's hold on her heart. Demeter looked at her with fear, before her yellow eyes fell on Munkustrap, shining with confusion, as if she was unsure of what to do. Grizabella wished to say something when Demeter's eyes turned to her one last time, but the queen soon wasn't beside her anymore, running to the protective arms of her sister.
Grizabella sighed, turning to the gray cat, who glared at her with the same intensity from before.
She wondered why Demeter's reaction hurt her more than her own son's, but the stoic glare of those powerful blue eyes weren't new to her, it has never been.
She felt like Munkustrap wished to say something to her, probably to tell her to leave, but she didn't allow him to open his mouth…
"Remark the cat…" Munkustrap seemed taken back by the words, by the song. The whispering around her ceased, the stage was pure silence, with the exception of her voice. "Who hesitates towards you…" She remembered the last time he had heard that same melody, and how displeased he was with it, the way he looked at his own mother as if he was the one disappointed in her. "In the light of the door, which opens on her… Like a grin."
She saw the seriousness of his eyes waver, but before she could pinpoint what had changed, he turned his face away with a quick movement.
So he did remember.
Grizabella heard the sound of crawling and turned to the two young kittens that came towards her; one was the pretty white queen she had seen before, the other was a softly colored tabby. Both weren't allowed to advance more thanks to two old paws resting over their heads.
Grizabella would recognize Jellylorum's paws without needing to see much of them. She had stared and watched those paws at work, sewing and knitting, too many times to forget them.
Jellylorum tried glaring at her as well, as if warning her to stay away from the kittens, but her expression wavered, in a similar form to Jennyanydots'. And Grizabella remembered all the times Jellylorum looked at her with disapproval, especially when she left the tribe, her coat at the time beautiful and shiny, fur curly and flowy and a hopeful attitude to each of her steps.
Now look at her…
"You see the border of her coat is torn and stained with sand!"
Jellylorum shook her head, her lips pressed together as if she was holding back words and her blue eyes – the same as Grizabella's – shimmered with conflicting feelings. Grizabella loved her sister, but she wanted her to know, to hear in her voice how she felt, after being shunned and pushed away by the oldest "Glamour Sister" so many times before.
The movement of another cat made Grizabella turn and Munkustrap did the same, as the deep brown Absynnian queen got up from her position. Grizabella remembered her, Hysperia's younger sister, of sorts.
"And you see the corner of her eye twist…" Grizabella watched as the queen turned to Munkustrap and the two seemed to share a silent conversation, before she wandered off, more precisely to the patchy monochromatic tom not too far from them; Alonzo, she was sure that was his name. "Like a crooked pin…"
She could hardly remember the queen's name, but she did remember how adamant she had been about Grizabella's banishment. A close friend with her youngest son, a close friend to her middle son's mate at the time; it was no wonder she had such strong feelings about everything that had happened back then.
Munkustrap turned to Grizabella once more, the strength of his glare slightly shaken, but still giving her the same message from when she had arrived.
Leave.
He had stared at her like that many times before, back when he was nothing but a young cat, as if he was the parent and she was the kitten. It had always annoyed Grizabella, but she tried to push that feeling aside, after all, it was still her son and she was the mother.
And, just as she had done many times before, she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a reaction.
She sustained his glare and pushed pass him, trying to keep her composure as well as she could with her limp. No one reached for her anymore, but no one stopped her from moving across the stage either.
"She haunted many a low resort… Near the grimy road of Tottenham Court…" Grizabella heard the familiar voice of Demeter, but didn't dare turn, not when everyone clearly had had enough of her presence. "She flitted about the no man's land… From 'The Rising Sun', to 'The Friend at Hand'…"
Grizabella couldn't help but reminisce at the recognizable names. She remembered how she was well known around those areas, how she would saunter around those streets and how the cats, humans and even the dogs would react to her. She had not gotten all that she wanted back them, but she was known, observed, admired!
"And the postman sighed as he scratched his head…" Demeter continued singing, but Grizabella was barely registering the exact words, her body naturally trying to reproduce the once attractive strut that she had to her step. "You'd really have thought she'd ought to be dead…"
The last word hit her like a slap.
"And who would ever suppose that that…" And the memory of how everything came to an end returned to her, together with the pain, the betrayal, the embarrassment, the shame… "Was Grizabella the Glamour Cat…?"
Oh, that title. What a cursed title that was to her, once praised and loved, now nothing but a reason for mockery.
"Grizabella the Glamour Cat." Bombalurina joined in with her sister; but while Demeter's voice rang with sadness and disappointment, Bombalurina's voice was much sterner.
"Grizabella the Glamour Cat!"
It hurt, but Grizabella had felt worse.
She straightened herself the best she could, taking in a deep breath, before continuing her way across the stage with slow steps, dragging her practically useless leg behind her.
"And who'd have ever supposed that that…" She could hear the rest of the tribe joining in, voices of those who once sang with her and about her in loving tones, now all joining together to say those words, with scorn. "Was Grizabella the Glamour Cat…"
She tried quickening her steps, but maintained her composure while doing so. In no time, she left the stage, wandering into the shadows of the junkyard and hiding away in between the stacks of junk.
There was silence from the stage, but she could hear hushed whispers and comments, questions coming from the younger cats.
She continued walking, until her leg was screaming at her to stop and rest.
And there she stood.
Grizabella took one deep breath… Then another…
She could feel the tears already going down her cheeks, but it didn't feel like she was crying. Guess she had teared up so many times before, she barely noticed it by now.
She could still hear the voices singing inside her head, even as another song took over the stage and new words were sang. They had already forgotten about her, it was as if she had never even been there.
She wasn't sure if that made her feel better, or worse.
The sound of slow, careful steps not too far from her, startled the old queen.
Grizabella turned around, looking into the darkness.
"Hello…?" She asked, shyly. It had to be a Jellicle, she knew that, but she didn't know what their intentions were. Grizabella had already been shunned from the junkyard with claws and teeth flying towards her before, so she wasn't going to take her chances.
Or maybe, this time, she should…
A form slowly appeared in between the shadows and Grizabella squinted to try and see better; her eyes weren't as good as they used to be in the darkness.
"Grizabella…" A voice called, just as shyly as the old queen's.
Grizabella sighed. It was Demeter. The sweet golden queen. She allowed the chance of relaxing, knowing that, no matter what, Demeter was a kind soul and would never raise a paw against her; she had had chances to do so before, but never did.
"Demeter." Grizabella said, smiling ever so slightly to the queen as she came into the light of the moon right above them.
Now standing so close, and without all the other cats around them, Grizabella took a moment to study the cat in front of her.
Demeter had grown beautifully, her coat shimmered under the pale moonlight, she looked much healthier and well put together than back them; a studded collar with spikes showed that she had been fully claimed by a human family, which was good, no wonder she looked so well fed and taken care of.
"You look beautiful." Grizabella said with a smile.
Demeter shook her head, averting her eyes as if shy, or unsure on how to respond to those words. She was still so similar to the tiny kitten Grizabella once knew…
"Are you… Well…?" The old queen asked, wanting to break the silence, wanting to know more about the tribe and what had happened while she was gone. "I see you have a human family."
"I do." Demeter said, stiffly, reaching and touching her collar.
"That's good." Grizabella nodded, still smiling, trying to ignore the tense atmosphere between the two. "Has the tribe been nice to you… During all this time…?"
"They have." Demeter answered, flat.
Grizabella nodded once more and silence reigned between the two, the sound of muffled singing and the noises of the night being the only thing. Demeter opened her mouth, ready to say something, but soon closed it once more, unsure.
The older queen almost felt as if she was about to turn around and run, as she had done before, and her heart hurt once more. She didn't want Demeter to leave, she wanted to talk to her some more, she wanted Demeter to stay there with her, for just a little bit more.
"Have you settled?" She asked, trying to continue the conversation. Demeter blinked her yellow eyes, staring at the dilapidated queen, before averting her eyes. "I… Was wondering if some of those kittens are yours…"
"I have…" Demeter nodded, still not looking up. "Two kittens."
"Ah, congratulations." Grizabella smiled, genuinely happy. That's what she had hoped for Demeter, to have a happy life, protected, safe and loved. "I really hope you're happy, my dear…"
Demeter's ears pressed against her head and she let out what sounded almost like a sob. She kept her head lowered and Grizabella felt the need to reach, to wrap her in her arms… But she didn't dare do such…
There was more silence, though the older queen could hear soft gasps from the younger, as if she was fighting, hard against the wish to cry.
"Why do you keep coming back…?" Demeter finally spoke, raising her golden eyes once more.
Grizabella hesitated. She thought, wondering how she could explain everything in her mind with few words. She felt like she needed to be careful with her words, not daring to speak unimportant things. Sooner or later the other cats would look for Demeter, and their talk would be over. She didn't want it to be over.
"This is my home…" She said finally, deciding that was the best thing. A sigh. "Or rather it used to be…"
Demeter was silent for a moment. And Grizabella wondered if she was thinking the same things.
"It still is…" She said.
Grizabella wasn't expecting that. Was Demeter trying to make her feel better, or worse? She knew the golden queen meant no harm, but she also didn't seem to know what those words meant to her.
"Is it…?" She muttered, more to herself than to the other.
Demeter's eyes opened a bit wider for a moment and she let out a broken sigh. She shook her head, looking down at her paws.
"Please…" Her voice was strained.
"Demeter…"
"All I want to know is…" Demeter interrupted. "Why did you side with Macavity, despite knowing the things he was doing?" And she was openly crying now, tears traveling down her face. "The things he did… To me…?"
Grizabella didn't know how to answer to that. None of that had been an easy matter, none of it, Grizabella had struggled with it back them and she still did to this day. She felt that no matter what she said, it would hurt Demeter.
"He…" She sighed, deciding that it was best to just be truthful. She owed Demeter such. "He is my son…"
Demeter let out a soft sob, her eyes open wide, staring at the other with a mix of emotions that was hard to describe. She looked so similar to how she had looked back then, in Macavity's hidden den, a prison for her and her sister. Grizabella's heart ached once more.
"I thought… When I discovered it, I thought I could…" She continued, with the false hope that saying that would help ease the pain, the betrayal that she knew still lingered in the air between the two of them.
And she could see herself, standing in front of her son, remembering how she had confronted him and the things he said, the things he did. And she felt that same scaring and surprising emotion she had felt, noticing who or what her beloved son had become.
"I could help him… But…"
"It was already too late for that…" Demeter said, her voice strained but stronger. Her eyebrows knitted, expression changing from sadness to anger.
Too late. Everything was too late. It felt like her whole life Grizabella had been "late" for something. Too late to follow her dreams, too late to help Bombalurina and Demeter, too late to help her son…
What a great mother she had been.
She still remembered her sweet kitten and how she could never imagine him becoming what he was now. How and why? How could she have failed him so badly?
"I… I was never the mother he deserved." She said, voice trembling as the tears appeared once more. "I wanted to correct that…" A pause. Grizabella turned back to the golden queen, offering her what she hoped was a smile, but she didn't know if she succeeded. "I still want to…"
Demeter stared at her, expression unwavering, even though her lips twitched while tears covered her slightly reddish cheeks. Grizabella couldn't read those golden eyes, she had never been good with that kind of stuff, different from Jennyanydots.
The golden queen shook her head.
"Jelly has always said you were a dreamer…" She said, voice soft, barely audible.
That hurt. But Grizabella knew she was right. She was a dreamer, a fool; she followed her emotions instead of thinking things through, she didn't pay attention to others and how they would react to the things she did, but still she wished to keep their love and care.
"I…" Demeter continued speaking, breathing hard, voice filled with emotion. "You were just another victim of his, like I was…" She looked up once more, staring sadly at the queen. There was a hint of pity in her eyes, but Grizabella wasn't sure if it was pity for her old self or for the golden queen. "But you could've… You could've helped us…"
Grizabella felt unable to breath. It was as if she was staring at the little orphan kitten she had rescued from the streets so long ago; tiny, scared, lost, shivering while still trying to stay away, feeling that she would be safer like that.
To think she had grown out of that phase, only to go back to it once more, in the paws of Macavity.
And Grizabella knew she was right as she said those things.
"Demeter, my dear… I'm sorry." She said, almost unable to hear her own voice. Her week, old ears lowered, but picking the soft sounds of the cat's crying. "You're right, I should've done more." A sigh. "For all of us."
Demeter let out a particular loud sob and, instintivelly, Grizabella took a little step forward. Demeter took a step back and Grizabella stopped. The golden queen shook her head.
"It's too late now…"
Too late…
"I guess it is…" Grizabella nodded.
Demeter stood there, staring at her with that expression, before turning away and running back to the stage. The musical number continued as the old queen stood in the middle of the trash piles, alone.
