"I am! I am a freak!" Bert sobbed as her husband held her in his arms. It was mind blowing to her that she had two different uteri her whole life and never knew it.
They stood in the middle of their kitchen till Paul led her to their little kitchen table with the little white tablecloth placed upon it. Paul sat down in one of the charming wooden kitchen chairs and set the little box that contained their little son, on the kitchen table. They would bury him somewhere on the ranch….later….when they were both ready and able to. Paul carefully settled his sobbing and emotional wife on his lap. She was still tender from surgery so he tried to be gentle with her. He knew Bert had been through a lot physically, emotionally and mentally. There was the forceful, quick frightening childbirth she experienced for the first time, was rather difficult for the both of them….but her especially. The mental and emotional pain of losing their son, who had been much further along than her other pregnancies. This one was oh so different. This one was shocking, horrifying, painful, heart-wrenching although it had its few moments of joy and excitement mixed in, in the beginning…but it was like nothing she had experienced ever in her life. She blamed herself as most women often do.
"I lose baby after baby after baby!...I'm such a failure!" Bert sobbed and buried her face in Paul's shoulder while he held her. "It just keeps happening!...Maybe I don't deserve to be a mother! Maybe I'm not meant to be one!" She sobbed, feeling so broken. She felt such a sadness and uneasiness within her heart. In the back of her mind, she wondered if she was going crazy. The pulsing throbbed in her ears constantly. She could just feel the blood rushing through her body and she wondered if it would ever return to normal.
"Its not you, Sweetheart….." Paul whispered and sat there running his fingers up and down her back, trying to be close to her and let her know he was there for her and that he cared. He felt so lost. Paul feared he wasn't helping and didn't know what to say or what to do for her. The woman he loved so deeply. "It wasn't you…." He said softly and cradled her face in his hands, which his palms softly caressed and then moved down her jawline. "It wasn't you…..It was your body. It was something we just couldn't control…" Bert settled her head in the crook of his neck and he held her like that and whispered words of comfort and tried to be assuring. "You're not a failure, honey…..Your body was just different, …that's all…and….The doctor said he didn't see any abnormality in your second uterus…if you want to later….we can try again…." He whispered and placed kisses on her jawline and cheeks and lastly her lips. "I love you…" He whispered gently.
Gilbertha softly ran her hand down his face and ended up at his chest. "You don't know that for sure…What if this was my last chance and we can't have any children at all?"
"You don't know that either…I believe in miracles…..I believe in having faith. Faith in God. He can do what is impossible." Paul said. "….I love you." He whispered again.
"You're such a wonderful man….and I don't deserve you…" she said shakily as the tears came again. "I don't deserve you at all."
"Yes you do…." Paul said. "You're amazing…." He gazed at her with such a light in his eyes she didn't think she had ever seen before. "You're beautiful….You're feisty….You're strong….You're sweet…You're outgoing!.…...you're sexy." He grinned. Paul saw the look in her eyes soften and Gilbertha felt she was falling deeper in love with this wonderful young man. "You're amazing in so many ways….so don't blame yourself and don't put yourself down….we just could not help this…." Paul pressed his forehead to hers and wished he could kiss her so that she'd forget all the pain and what they would have to endure later. He was a perfect gentleman though, and knew right now she only needed to rest. "We'll bury him first thing tomorrow….Now go lie down….you can sleep…..Sleep for as long as you like. You need your rest so you heal properly…I'm going to go check on the cattle….I'll be back." Bert got up from his lap and her hand lingered in his a moment. "I love you…." Came her tear soaked reply and she slipped into their bedroom. It was only around 2 in the afternoon…but what day it was she had no clue, she didn't even think about it. She dressed for bed and was alone for some time, till Paul came back from the barn to find her weeping yet again. Fresh wet spots were on her summer nightgown and she laid down on the bed and cried and cried. Paul sat down on their bed and quietly undressed for bed himself, and took off his shirt and let it fall to the floor. He put his head in his hands as he heard her crying yet again in both physical and emotional pain….. "Bert…." He whispered. Paul turned himself and lay down beside her. "Honey…..we're going to be alright..." Paul lay right next to her and placed a loving hand on her arm, he tried to avoid her waist area as she was still sore and tender there. He wished though he could snuggle up close to her.
"Now my breastmilk's coming in….and there's no baby to feed!" She sobbed, bringing her hands to her face. "Now I really know what the nurse meant by some cruel joke!...This hurts like no other…" Bert cried so much she thought she'd drown in tears.
"At least your body is doing what it's supposed to do…." Paul whispered, trying to help and comfort her.
"Yes…at the wrong time!" She wept. Bert lay her hand on her stomach and kept it there and cried and cried and cried. "He should still be in here….but he isn't….and it's all my fault!...Do I still look pregnant?!" Gilbertha sobbed. "I think I still do! I…I still look pregnant and I know I'm not! I can't take this pain, Paul!...And it's my fault! It's all my fault!"
Paul lay with her with his arms around her. "It wasn't you…." He kissed her temple and he lovingly rubbed her arm. He didn't really know what to say and he was still grieving too. "Now we know part of the reason why…" He hoped she knew he was trying his best to be there for her. He turned his head later to find she had cried herself to sleep yet again. Paul softly kissed her and though not knowing if she quite heard it, whispered, "We're going to be okay, honey…."
Bert woke up later to find the front of her nightgown soaked and she cried again. It was painful, both physically and emotionally. More emotionally than physically. Here her body was physically reacting the way it should, as if it had gone through childbirth….but in the end, she had no baby to feed, no baby to hold and love on. Something she wanted so much. Something she thought was finally going to happen. Yes, she had been plenty worried and afraid during her short pregnancy…..but on the other hand, in the back of her mind, she had a glimmer of hope and faith that everything would be okay and that she would have a healthy baby. However, now she was devastated. Damaged. She sort of saw it coming beforehand but even then it still was agonizing mentally and emotionally….She wondered if she would ever feel okay again.
Gilbertha tried to lift her arms over her head to take off the nightgown, but just about everything on her slim, tall body hurt and she started to cry from pain. Paul came into the bedroom with a little tray of food he had made and set it on the bedside table. He sighed as he heard her crying again. He had heard it many times in the past few months and every time it hurt him to hear her like that.
"Its alright honey…" He whispered and sat down on the bed behind her. His hands caressed the sides of her body softly and rubbed her back and her thin arms and he tried to tug at the nightgown, helping her undress. She felt so embarrassed that he had to help her with such a simple task. She felt the soft touch of his hands in the little soft space between her breasts, but even his gentle touch hurt her. "They're larger than normal and they ache so bad…..this is so embarrassing! " She cried and put her head down.
"We need to see each other at our worst…..you've been there for me plenty of times…." She heard him whisper and he placed his gentle lips on her back in several kisses. "If an accident happened and I were paralyzed, wouldn't you take care of me?" Paul whispered and grabbed the new clean nightgown she had laid out on their bed.
"Of course…." She said through tears. "This is different though…"
"No…." Paul whispered and helped her into the silky summer nightgown. "Now come on…" He whispered and brought the little tray over onto their bed. "Eat something with me…C'mon."
"I'm not hungry, Paul…" she said quietly.
"Sorry, that's not a valid answer. " Paul told her and his lips turned up into a boyish grin. "You need to eat….Breakfast for supper for us." He said. "Bacon….scrambled eggs…..toast." "Please…Bert." He whispered, lifting a spoon of scrambled eggs to her lips. "Don't knock my cooking till you try it…." He chuckled as he saw her crack a smile.
"I can feed myself…." She smiled after he gave her the little bite. "You win…." Bert felt him kiss her on the forehead…..and so they ate their little meal together on their bed. Well, it was Paul that shared his meal with her. In that moment, time stood still and it almost seemed like nothing was wrong. They were together and they both knew they loved each other so much. Paul believed it was their love that would get them through. Their love and the grace of God.
"You know…." Paul whispered, tilting his eyeglasses up on his nose. "I hardly knew what love was when we got married….even at such a young age, I thought I knew….but I've learned so much in our few years together….it's not always 50/50….sometimes for you its 80/20 and you pick up the slack and you do what you can because they need you. They're hurt or sick and they need you to just be there. Unselfishness…..that's what love is. You think of your special person and what they want and what they need. Unconditional love. The sacrificial giving of oneself without even a thought of what they'll do for you in return. I hope that's what I'm doing for you, Sweet." Paul smiled at her. "I won't always do it right…but I'll try. I'm here and I'm staying. I promised you for better or worse, rich or poor, sickness and health. I'm here…." He smiled such a sweet smile at her. "It's been a wonderful 5 years…"
"4 years!" Bert laughed at him.
"It will be 5, come November 3rd….." Paul said and smiled. He laid down on the bed and brought her softly with him. "Only 19 years old and I was the luckiest man alive that day…..I knew I was."
"I'll let you in on a little secret…." Bert gazed at him. "That's not so secret."
"Hmm?" Paul smiled and kissed her cheek.
"I love you…." Bert smiled, whispering in his ear. She smiled, resting her head and her dainty arm on his chest. "And..I used to be a teeny bit self-conscious of being older than you…" she sighed.
"Only by 3 years…." Paul said, rubbing her arm. "Never mattered to me….you're mine and I love you. I don't care what people think of us together….we love each other and that's all that matters."
"Well, it doesn't bother me now…." She said, smiling up at him. "All I've ever really cared about was how a man treated me….and you're a wonderful man….you treat me like a queen."
"That's how it should be…" Paul smiled at her. "I don't understand some of these men who treat their wife like a punching bag….and they call themselves men…." He said shaking his head.
That same warm summer day in little old Dubuque, Iowa, Fred and Frances Lay were in their front yard by their house doing yard work together. Frances was tending to her charming flower beds, with Fred cutting the grass with the little push mower and later was nearby watering and keeping up his favorite snowball bush. They would talk and enjoy each other's company like usual as they did their yardwork, and then it got quiet end Frances heard her husband doing his work with the snowball bush. Fred was quite the gardener and Frances smiled to herself. When it came to his snowball bush, it was all seriousness. She looked back and smiled as she saw him smile and wink at her. She soon went back to her own gardening and later felt a pair of strong hands on her waist.
"Fancy meeting you here,….What's your name, you lovely lady?" Fred teased and leaned into her and tried kissing her ear and his wife kept laughing at him. He took off her floral gardening glove and kissed her hand.
"Fred!" She laughed at him. "Oh, you're crazy!"
"Strange name for a lady." He teased. "Frieda…" he joked and started talking to her in German and they laughed together.
"Oh, you character…..now let me finish my gardening!" Frances laughed at him yet he still had his soft grip on her and hugged her from behind. "I'm all done…nothing better to do. Need some help with yours?" Fred picked up a garden trowel and helped her with transplanting some new flowers.
"An expert with flower beds too…" Frances smiled and then patted his cheek lovingly. "You're such a good husband!"
Fred flashed a grin at her and bumped her arm with his elbow. He laughed as she kept doing the same back and forth with him.
"I can't believe I love the girl that snubbed me so many years ago…" Fred chuckled, smiling at her. They talked and teased each other about how they met 20 something years before, only a few steps ahead of where they were kneeling on the ground. It got quiet again in their comfortable silence as they tended to the little humble flower garden and Frances later looked over at her husband as he clutched his chest a moment and stopped working.
"Honey?...Fred, are you alright?...Are you having chest pain again?!" She asked, worriedly and tried not to become frantic but in her heart, she felt it. Fred shook his head no. He grunted and couldn't really speak.
"Pain in your arm? Stomach?...What's going on with you?!" She asked helplessly but he didn't nod or say much.
"Nauseous…." He choked out. "Get me….inside….." He looked at her, with scared eyes, and he was still clutching his chest. "Call doctor…..please." He took a huge breath and tried to get up from the ground and Frances led him inside and ran to their little telephone.
"Its his heart again! I think it's worse this time doctor…." She started crying over the phone. Frances put up the telephone as the doctor was on his way and she rushed back into her kitchen to be with her husband. "Why haven't you been taking better care of yourself?!...Fred…. Fred, I can't lose you!" She said, her tears falling with she looked him right in the eyes, kneeling down in front of him. "It's another heart attack…I know it is!" She cried and hugged him and Fred put his forehead on her shoulder. "What if you don't make it through….what if another one…kills you?!" Frances couldn't help but bawl and she felt him pat her back to let her know he was okay and still with her, but all she could do was cry. "I can't bear to lose you, Sweetheart!...Fred, I can't go on without you! I know I can't. " She said weakly. There they were in the kitchen, with him sitting up in the kitchen chair with Frances kneeling beside him with her arms around him. "Oh…Fred…" Frances shut her eyes and cried. She couldn't help but be frightened and nearly distraught. She thought he was breaking out in cold sweats and it frightened her more, but she tried to keep it together and stay strong for him. Frances felt him still slowly patting her back every few seconds. The doctor finally came to look him over and Frances stood against the wall crying and trying to dry her tears but she ended up wringing her handkerchief in her hands and looked on. The doctor had given him something for his heart and then went to her. The doctor gave her several bottles of medications. Nitroglycerin pills, several vitamins, etc.
"Put him to bed immediately….shades drawn…..no music, no radio, no newspapers…nothing. He needs only to rest."
"Yes doctor…." Frances nodded. "Is he going to be alright?!" she asked with the tears coming again.
"As far as heart attacks go, you either die or get better…Just do as I've said. And he needn't move a muscle for six weeks. And I mean six weeks!" The doctor glanced at Fred. "No visitors for the first week. Later they can if they stay quiet. Bed rest is the best option here…..I will come every day to check on him." The doctor nodded and turned to leave but then looked at Fred again and gave him quite a tongue lashing, "Mr. Lay, you are lucky to be alive this time, sir….I swear, you must have some guardian angel looking out for you…..You NEED to take better care of yourself, or you won't live to a longer life…..Remember you have a leakage of the heart too. Heart attacks certainly don't help. Take care of yourself, man!...I'll be back tomorrow."
Frances saw the doctor out and rummaged around in her little purse to try to pay the man but he put her hand that held the money in it down at her side. "I won't accept payment, ma'am…..you just go tend to your husband…..He needs you right now."
"Oh, thank you doctor! " Frances cried and tears streamed her cheeks again.
The doctor nodded at her. "Make sure he takes his medications….and that he rests. I'm serious….six weeks,…no sooner. I will see you two tomorrow."
"I'll feed you and your wife for supper….at 5:30pm." Frances offered. "I need to pay you somehow. I can't just not pay you." She told him.
"Very well then." The doctor tipped his hat to her and was gone.
"Lets get you into bed, honey." Frances said shakily and helped him walk into her bedroom, and then through the little walk in closet to his own bedroom. She undressed him and got him dressed him into a tank top and knee length boxers, so that he was cool and comfortable in the July heat. He didn't even put up any protest. He just let her help him and get him into bed.
"I'm going to be okay, dear….Don't cry." Fred said roughly. He held her hand a moment and ran his thumb over the back of her hand.
"I told you that you need to take care of yourself!" she cried and tried to wipe away her tears but she couldn't help but cry. She would be lost without him and she knew it.
"You're right….you're right." He said and leaned his head back on the pillow." But you don't need to worry over me. I'll be as good as new in six weeks, no sooner no later. Well, I'd like sooner..."
" You need to rest…and take your medications…and…" she started to drill him on it all.
"Yes…." He nodded. "Yes…I will. I promise." Fred blinked a few times. "This one really scared me!"
"Well you scared me too!" she cried and raised her voice slightly at him. "You scared me so bad…I really thought you were dying! You could have, I wouldn't doubt it!"
"I will be just fine, hon…I want to live to see all our grandchildren. I will!" he said confidently.
"Then take care of yourself!" Frances said sternly. Frances held her husband's face in her hands and bent down and gave him quite a long kiss. She looked at him with tears in her eyes. "Frederick John….if you die, I know I'd die….and if I ever did outlive you I know I'd never remarry!"
"One is enough, right?" He tried to joke with her but she wasn't laughing. "Okay, let's not talk of this then…." He said quietly.
"Oh Papa! You need to take care of yourself!" Helen said softly one afternoon a few weeks later. Fred was feeling a lot better and was able to have a few visitors. Eddie stood off in a corner of the bedroom. Freddie, Irene and little Marlene were there too. They all came because they thought he was dying but Fred wouldn't have that. He was feeling real good, almost healed and he didn't want his children worrying about him. He told them just that.
"And give me my little granddaughter!" Fred smiled, reaching his arms out and held little Marlene in his arms and she ended up snuggling beside him. He sat there shuffling her little blonde curls. "Grandpa's a'okay, baby girl." He said, smiling at his little 3 year old granddaughter. "And Helen, if you would've had that baby yet, I'd say, "Give me that baby!" so I could hold that kiddo…I think I'll live yet to see that little rascal come into the world…..I hope he's born on my birthday, September 30th. On the dot! " He told his daughter, patting her hand. "Don't you worry about your dear old Dad. He's gonna be just fine." Fred smiled.
"Oh Papa!" Helen said. Fred knew she was extremely worried for him. He worried about that a little. He didn't want anything happening to her or that grandbaby. "I mean it, girl! Don't you worry over me!" Fred told her. "A few more days and I'm getting out of this bed!"
"You're not going back to work just yet, Frederick…." Frances told her husband, crossing her arms over her chest. "I will make sure of that."
"I never said that, dear!..." Fred said. "But I will get out of this bed!" He insisted.
"You just rest and get better, Dad…." Freddie said. "We just want you well again. We do worry about you with your heart the way it is…... We love you, Dad."
"Well I love you kids too….and that beautiful woman over there." Fred said, smiling at his wife. "So don't you worry over me. No nasty heart attack is going to keep Fred J. Lay down! And you can take that to the bank!"
Author's Notes:
Paul and Gilbertha were married on November 3rd, 1937 in real life. So Paul was actually around 24 years old and Bert, 27. They had no children in real life. Paul past away in 1985 and Bert in 1986...so One can assume they had quite a close-nit marriage. They were there for each other. Both of them are buried together side by side in the Fort Snelling National Cemetery in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Quite strange and heartbreaking how a woman's body can react after a late term miscarriage. The body sometimes acts as if it had just gone through childbirth, so the breast milk may come in. Which is heartbreaking for a woman to go through….with later having no baby to feed and nurture. A woman might feel the surge and throbbing of the blood rushing through, as it's sets back to normal as in before pregnancy. They might still look pregnant too which would be very damaging and heartbreaking for a woman.
My Grandpa, Helen and Eddie's son, was apparently supposed to be a September baby, which I didn't know until later…but for some reason, he came a month early on August 20th, 1935. I wonder why.
I don't know how many heart attacks Fred had in his life but I read somewhere that your body can't take 3 or 4 heart attacks in your lifetime. Back in the '30's you either died or got better, 6 weeks of bed rest. Shades drawn, no music, no radio, no newspapers to look at, only bed rest. Visitors if they were quiet. Medicine such as Nitroglycerin…..Morphine for pain, I believe. Also taking plenty of vitamins.
Fred indeed had a leakage of the heart and the Dr. told him he better take care of himself if he wanted to live a longer life. He had a heart attack in April of 1947, and never fully recovered from it and passed away on July 25th, 1947…..This chapter is set in 1935, so no he ain't gonna die yet!
Fred and Frances would joke in later years of their marriage how they met for the first time, he said hello to her, she thought he was very bold and did not answer him back because she did not know him. She thought maybe he thought she was deaf or retarded or maybe both. But he obviously didn't! They married July 16th, 1912 at the Holy Ghost church in Dubuque Iowa. A wedding breakfast was served at the home of the bride's parents and a Mass was done at the church. She carried a bouquet of sweet peas. The took a wedding trip to the Northern Lakes. She was around 4 months pregnant with their first child, Frederick George Lay aka Freddie, at the time of their wedding. He was born December 14th, 1912. She still wore the white dress and had the wedding in the church too. Quite interesting. No one attended the wedding though, the newspaper said. I thank God for technology that has allowed me to find these articles of family members...like their wedding announcement in 1912.
