Author's Notes: This will be the last chapter before a significant time jump to the season 4 finale and the beginning of season 5.
When Lucy was two months old, Rafael Solano was released from prison. It was a welcome relief to have him home as Jane had missed him fiercely as a friend and co-parent. She would never forget telling him about her pregnancy and the verbal guidance he had given to her.
"You're pregnant?" he repeated after she told him the news.
Jane had gone to the Marbella to drop off Mateo for his days with Rafael, and once their son went down for a nap, she had stayed to tell him her news. She had taken a few days to sit with the information before sharing it with the people in her life, namely Rafael and Petra.
"Six weeks along," Jane confirmed. She dropped her head in her hands in anguish. The reality of being pregnant again, this time without the aid of her husband or a co-parent like Rafael, hit her in waves. "Never would have thought my life could get any more screwed up than being a widow at 25."
Rafael put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close as they sat on the couch in his penthouse. "Hey now, be easy on yourself. Nothing over the past few months that has happened to you has been your choice. You've been doing the best with what you're confronted with." He paused for a minute before he asked the same question that Xo did in the hospital. "You're keeping the baby?"
"Feels like a gift from Michael, ya know? A way to keep his memory alive even more?"
Rafael nodded his understanding. "Of course. On the positive side, Mateo will have another sibling but let's hope it's a boy because the kid is already going to have his hands full with Ellie and Ana."
That statement made Jane smile. It was the first genuine one that had crossed her face since their conversation had started. Jane knew that she would just have to do a better job looking for joy, despite the sorrow that still hit her over her current situation.
She and Petra had often visited him during his sentence until it had gotten too complicated for Jane to get herself to the prison in the later months of her pregnancy. Waddling about, struggling to sit behind the steering wheel of her car for long periods, and having to be pat down at each visit to ensure that she was not bringing in any contrabands to the prisoners had led to the tough decision to stop visits. Rafael had not taken offense to her decision even though Jane struggled exponentially.
When she had given birth to Lucy, Petra had promised to tell him and show him pictures through the visitation glass and gotten him word that same evening that everything had gone well. Jane wasn't sure what strings she had to pull for that one, and she didn't want to ask.
He spent time with Ellie and Ana on his first full day home, getting reaccustomed to life as a dad with nanny safety nets.
For the sake of all of the children, they told them that Rafael was on an extended business trip out of town. When he could, he called and talked to each of them. But there was nothing like having him knock on the dark gray door to her house, ready to see their son.
"Raf," Jane said softly with a smile and immediately reached out to pull him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.
His hair was longer, he was sporting a decent amount of stubble on his face, and he seemed more tranquil than before. By sight alone, Jane could immediately tell he was different, but that didn't shock her. His experience must have been challenging, but he would share when he wanted to.
Not ready to break the physical separation, she took him by the hand and led him into the house. They took a seat in the kitchen, and she immediately put some water on the stove to boil after he accepted her offer of tea.
"Mateo will be up from his nap soon. He's going to lose his mind when he sees you."
The smile that Rafael had at the mention of Mateo's name warmed her heart.
Jane saw that Rafael was taking everything in. It was the first time he had been in her new house. The house wasn't extravagant by Miami standards, but it was enough for her and the kids. Everyone had their own bedroom, which would allow them to grow in this house. And furthermore, it was a blank slate after everything that had happened. But it had everything she needed – a washer and dryer for the insane loads of laundry that two young kids created, a dishwasher for all of the bottles that she knew were still coming as Lucy got older, and a small yard where they could play safely outdoors. Plus, she had a decent-sized kitchen where her abuela could teach her to cook so that the dishes that she made for guests didn't border on inedible.
"The house is so great, Jane. I'm so glad you were able to find something that you loved, and that will be great for Mateo and …"
Cutting Rafael off, Lucy made her presence known, wailing from her bassinet in the living room.
"Hold that thought," she said with a smirk.
Jane carried the monitor that kept an eye on Mateo's room and went into the living room to tend to her daughter. Scooping her up, she settled in an armchair to feed Lucy, covering her chest for modesty. She could hear Rafael tinkering in the kitchen, and she figured that the water had finally boiled. Jane was proven right when he came in and put a mug of tea down next to her.
"It'll be cool enough to drink once you switch sides."
Rafael took a seat on the nearby couch and took a sip of his own tea. "I can't believe how big she has gotten already."
Jane knew what he meant. Lucy was only two months old, but it already felt like time was going too fast. She had gained almost three pounds since her birth and already seemed longer to Jane. But Jane was doing her best to document everything - taking pictures and videos, adding to Lucy's baby book - all so that she would have a record to look back on. "I know. Don't you just want them to stay small for longer?"
"Except for the sleepless nights," he countered with a chuckle.
"Yes, you are so right," she said and admired the way that her daughter nursed.
"How's the therapy been going? Petra told me you started seeing someone not long after I started my sentence to help with the panic attacks."
She shrugged and maneuvered her daughter over to her other breast to continue feeding.
Before Michael died, she had never considered herself one for one on one therapy. Of course, she had employed a therapist in the past to try and help her and Rafael work through issues in their past romantic relationship but for herself? She instead preferred to talk things out on the porch swing with her family, trusting the guidance that she received from her mother and abuela. But the panic attack symptoms had started to impede her life early on after the funeral, and Jane didn't want them to be an issue once she learned that she would be having another child.
"She helps. Gave me some good coping mechanisms for the panic attacks. So I'm actually considering slowing down on visits, making it biweekly."
Jane had taken a few weeks off with no sessions after Lucy arrived. Although she knew that therapy wasn't about being cured, she certainly felt stronger mentally and emotionally than when she first started.
"Well, work me into the calendar again for not only my time with Mateo, but if you ever need help with Lucy, I'll do whatever I can to pitch in."
"That's sweet, Raf, but you don't have to …"
He fixed her with a look to which she stopped speaking. She could tell that he was serious.
"Okay, okay. I'll keep you on speed dial."
Rafael grinned at her acquiescence. Lucy finished feeding, and Jane adjusted her shirt before removing the nursing cover.
"You still want to hold her? Then, you'll have to take burping duty."
"I think I can handle it," he said and moved to get a burp cloth from the mini changing station that Jane had set up in the living room.
"Okay, baby girl, I want to introduce you to someone special. This is Mateo's daddy, and he will also be your uncle." She slid the little girl into Rafael's waiting arms and watched as he gently moved her onto his shoulder and patted her back with the apparent confidence of a pro parent.
It was nice to see her friend holding her daughter, but it also caused the unwanted thoughts to begin bubbling up.
Michael would never hold Lucy.
He would never get to burp her or see her milestones.
"Jane," Rafael said, and it snapped her from her spiral. She could feel the beginnings of a panic attack coming, her breathing rapid and her thoughts cycling at a hurried pace.
"Use your techniques. Think about what you're supposed to do."
Jane took in a shaky breath and closed her eyes. She continued to take in deep breaths, recognizing that the panic attack was already there. Jane would have to move to the next step to combat it and determine a focus object.
Opening her eyes, she looked at Lucy, who was relatively peaceful, being held by her friend and so oblivious to her mother's struggles. But it was the little girl's peace that Jane clung to. Jane continued to inhale and exhale, slowly and deeply. Soon, the dark edges of the panic attack dissipated.
"Sorry," she apologized, looking at her hands in defeat. Minutes ago, she had felt good about where she was with her issues, and then she had lost control all because Rafael was holding Lucy.
She was a basket case.
"You can't apologize for that. Do you know what caused it?" he asked.
She gave him a sad smile, and without words, Rafael knew that Jane was thinking about what Michael was missing out on with his daughter.
"This may sound silly, but have you given any thought to writing about him? Maybe putting your story down onto paper?"
Jane wasn't entirely sure how reliving memories of her relationship with Michael would help her panic attacks, and she said as much to his suggestion.
"I just think that you had to speed up or halt your grief so that you were healthy for this little one," Rafael stood from the couch with Lucy securely in his grasp and swayed lightly to keep the baby in good spirits, "But now it's time for you to remain healthy and if therapy is helping keep going."
"But?" Jane asked
"You caught that, huh?" he said with another trademark grin. "Maybe writing everything down - the good, the bad, and even what you're feeling now - even if you frame it in fiction might help you process everything you've been through and might lessen the grief you feel."
Rafael handed Lucy off to Jane to change her and get her off for another round of sleep. Then, with the baby monitor in hand, they went back into the kitchen, and Jane took a peek at the screen to see that Mateo was starting to stir.
"This is the last thing I will say on the subject … for now. You can't decide to wait until life isn't painful anymore to be happy. I really think that putting your story down on paper is the pathway to that happiness, Jane."
Jane chewed her bottom lip in thought. She knew that a great deal of what Rafael was saying was right. But she also knew that there would be obstacles.
Mateo began to call out for Jane, naptime clearly now over.
"I'm going to have to get Patricia's blessing before I even begin down this path."
"I would expect nothing less," Rafael told her, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go surprise Mateo."
Jane couldn't stop the smile from spreading across her face as Rafael hurried to get to their son.
The fire produced just enough warmth on that crisp September night in Montana. Jason sat in a chair, nearly done with his first beer and partaking the conversation about the stupid bull, Rocky, that loved to press everyone's buttons by finding the nearest weakness in the fence and getting out. Safe to say, catching Rocky and bringing him back into their pasture was not a stress-free event.
As Jason was the one to rope Rocky this time around, he was being celebrated around the fire that evening. The rest of the ranch staff was finally starting to accept him as one of their own, which was helpful because they were not the most accessible group when it came to earning trust and support. And with him showing up with no backstory and memories of his past life, it had made it even more difficult to breakthrough.
His best buddy, Keith, walked over to sit next to him and handed him a second beer.
"You're behind, brother," Keith teased with a smirk and took the chair next to him.
Jason grinned and finished his first bottle to appease his friend before starting on the new one that he had been handed.
"Sorry to disappoint," Jason responded and held the second beer up in the air for a gesture of cheers.
"No disappointment here."
They shot the shit for a while more before some of the older gentlemen turned in for the night. One of the other younger guys, Franklin, who had recently warmed up to Jason, wanted to know more about his history.
"So Jason, do you ever wonder about your lost memories? Think about trying to figure out how to get them back?"
Jason shook his head gently. "No, I don't give much thought to it, honestly. Must be all this good Montana air; it keeps my head good and clear."
"But what if you've got a family out there?"
"I've been sitting in one spot for months, and no one has come looking. So, really, I think whatever I was involved in beforehand, it's a blessing that I can't remember."
Keith ducked his head and took a long swig of his beer. Jason immediately noticed that his friend disagreed with his statement.
"Got something to add there?"
"Eh, probably nothing you want to hear," Keith responded, his dark eyes gleaming in the firelight.
"No, go on ahead."
"I just think that if there was even the option for something out there for me, I would have hope above everything else. And not just the words of some lady."
Keith was, of course, referring to the woman that had told him to 'start over' when he woke up in the field with no memories. The only other thing that the woman had told him was that his name was Jason, and then she had disappeared into a vintage blue Ford pickup and left him to fend for himself.
"Hope, huh?"
"Yeah man, you have to have hope. For all you know, you could have a sexy ass Jennifer Lawrence type woman out there thinking you went for milk and never came back."
That got the rest of the guys chuckling.
Jason chuckled along with them, but part of him, the smallest amount, did begin to wonder if there was someone out there concerned about him and his whereabouts.
Ten months later
It was the night before Lucy's first birthday, and the big blowout celebration was the next day. When Mateo had been sick for his first birthday, Jane had had to cancel the party that she had spent a good deal of time planning at the same time as her wedding to Michael. So, this time around, she had gone just as big and planned just as long in hopes that the party would happen.
And now it was nearly here.
She had what felt like tons of pink, purple, and teal balloons and party decorations to get set up in the morning but knew that her mom would be there massively early to aid in bringing her vision to life. Her abuela and father would also come to the party, as well as Petra and the girls, Rafael, Dennis, and a few Mommy and Me playgroup friends. Michael's parents were taking the drive down from Fort Meyers, and Lina and her boyfriend, Danny, were flying in as well. It would be a great occasion to have everyone together.
The house was as clean as she would get it with a three-and-a-half-year-old and the birthday girl. Each day the playroom started off orderly, and about two hours in, it looked like someone was doing home renovations.
But Jane wouldn't have it any other way. Having this time off from work to watch them grow had been incredibly fulfilling. At that moment, she didn't want to think about having to go back to work at the Marbella in three weeks. However, Jane knew that she needed to start padding her savings again, and the kids needed to get used to having family watch them and begin incorporating daycare into their routine.
But for now, before she turned in for the night, she had one final thing to take care of.
Retiring to her bedroom, she lit a candle on her nightstand and pulled a box out from under her bed, bringing it up onto the mattress. She propped herself up with several pillows before she took the cover off the box and examined the contents.
Jane had started this tradition when Mateo had been born, albeit a day or two after the kidnapping experience. Then, when she had a quiet moment, she had sat down and handwritten him a letter. Expressing how much it meant to be his mother, how much Jane loved him, and all the hopes she had for him. And she had continued to write letters to him and placed them in a box on other important occasions - his baptism, his first Christmas, as well as his birthdays and his first day of preschool.
She had done the same for Lucy on her meaningful milestones. And now she was writing a letter for her daughter's first birthday.
As she looked to pull out a blank piece of stationery and envelope, her eyes caught one letter that was part of Mateo's set. She picked up the envelope with trembling fingers that read "Mommy, Mateo and Michael" on the front.
She had nearly forgotten that it was in this box and wasn't sure that the content was relevant now that Michael was gone. Delicately, she opened the envelope and began to read, immediately transported back.
Dearest Mateo,
Tomorrow, May 19, 2016, will be a momentous day in our lives. Mommy and Michael will be getting married, and our little family will grow. I love Michael very much, and he loves me. He loves you too - if you remember from the letter that I wrote you shortly after you were born, Michael made sure that you were safe and sound, doing whatever he could to make that happen.
I want to be very clear that Michael will never take your dad's place, but he will another father figure for you. He is someone that you can look up to, ask for advice and know without a shadow of a doubt that he will always have your best interest at heart.
But why I'm writing to you today is that one day … many years in the future for my sake please … you will fall in love and that is a beautiful thing. Love, above all things, is one of the things in life that you should prioritize.
More often than not, you first will fall in love with the qualities that a person has. Michael is smart, kind, and hardworking. All he is ever wanted for me is to be happy, not only in our relationship but also in life. But beyond that, Michael is my best friend, and I can think of no one else that I wish to have by myself to grow old with.
I can only hope and pray for you, Mateo, that one day you find the same type of love. It is one of my greatest wishes for you as your mom.
All my love,
Mom
After finishing the letter, Jane released a breath that she didn't realize she had been holding in. Although her grief over losing Michael was still very acute, it no longer controlled every aspect of her life.
And tonight, as she prepared for their daughter's first birthday, she wanted to be awash in memories of him. Putting the box to the side, Jane picked up her laptop that was wedged between her bed and nightstand. The computer whirred to life, and soon she navigated to her file folder labeled with just the letter M.
She was able to find the video that she was looking for easily. It was the highlights from their wedding, but she only wanted to see one part before she focused on her original task at hand, writing her letter for Lucy.
Jane pressed play and watched as she said her vows to Michael, remembering distinctly how emotional she had felt in pledging her love and fidelity to the man standing before her on the church altar.
She saw how Michael paused before beginning his own, recalling how he glanced over at her abuela for her support before he began to recite his wedding vows to her in Spanish. The video captured her surprised gasp as she had had no inclination that he had been planning to do that. Nevertheless, it was a gift that Jane would cherish forever because it told her that he loved every piece of her. She brushed her fingertips over the computer screen gingerly, longing for five more minutes with Michael.
Who was she kidding? Five minutes wouldn't be enough, not when she would want to tell him everything there was to know about Lucy, how Mateo was such a good big brother, and how much she missed him.
Jane could have spent hours watching other videos and looking at pictures of the two of them. But instead, she closed out of the folder and turned off the computer. It was time to channel her emotions into her letter to Lucy.
Dearest Luciana,
Tomorrow is your first birthday, and I want to tell you how lucky I am to be your mommy. I have no idea where the year has gone as I can clearly remember being in the hospital and waiting for you to arrive. Auntie Petra and your abuela were there to help mommy, and before I knew it, I was holding you in my arms.
You have been such a blessing to me. But I want to take a different approach in this letter to you for your birthday because I want you to know how much your daddy wishes that he could be here with you.
I fell in love with your dad when I was 21 years old, and finding him was like finding the other half of myself.
Jane wiped at her eyes to ensure that the tears didn't drop onto the page. Then, over the next page and a half, Jane told Lucy about her father and included what deep down she knew that Michael would wish for their daughter as well as she grew.
