Okiedokie, melodrama warning for this chapter is 11/10. I'm not even kidding, anyone who remembers this train wreck from the first time around will remember this point. I am both proud and ashamed to say it is no less dramatic, though hopefully slightly better written this time around. I hope you all enjoy, and I'll catch you at the other end.
Side note, as it has been mentioned: Yes, I did remove Leo the dog from these chapters. I originally intended for him to play a much larger part, but because my planning capacity back then was truly terrible, he ended up just getting swept to one side and I felt he didn't get the attention he deserved. He may appear in later chapters, for for now, he will be absent. My apologies.
Chapter 23: Without her
At best guess, she'd been out for a couple of hours.
Her eyes ached as she pushed them open, and her face felt puffy. Ugh, this was a solid reminder of the many reasons crying sucked. Curled up on her side, she was still in her hockey shirt and shorts, but someone (no prizes for guessing who) had tucked her into bed, where she was now; curled against Kelly hip while, by the sound of the quiet tapping, the woman worked on her laptop. Apparently, she was doing so one handed, as long fingers were still brushing gently through her hair. She sighed quietly to herself, for all she was mentally and physically exhausted, she had to admit she was pretty damn comfortable.
"It's only four, you've got a few more hours before the party if you want to sleep a bit more." Jones spoke without particular inflection, calm and casual, as though Soph wasn't sleeping off a mild breakdown. She considered the potential of another nap but ultimately dismissed it, she didn't sleep much at night as it was, she'd fuck her schedule right up if she slept any more than she already had. Humming her negative, Soph eased herself upright, scrubbing her hands over her face to try and wake herself up a little.
"Well, I wasn't expecting that today." A little sheepish, she looked over her shoulder to Jones, who was in the process of shutting her laptop and setting it to one side. When she looked back, she shrugged with a smile.
"Sounded like it needed to happen, love." She lifted a hand toward her and Sophie rolled her eyes good-naturedly as she took it and let herself be pulled back to the woman. Refusing to lay down, in case she fell asleep again, she opted to move into her lap, a knee either side of her hips. If Kelly was surprised, it didn't show, she simply wound her arms about her waist as Soph settled comfortably on her thighs.
"You're being very calm about all this." Unable to help herself, Sophie gave a suspicious frown that was only half a joke. Kelly was being weirdly okay with all her baggage and it was highly unusual. Obviously, she knew she wouldn't be a dick about it, but it was straight up weird that she'd yet to so much as flinch. The woman hummed in thought, the arms about her waist tightening briefly.
"I suppose I don't really know how I feel, so calm is what I'm going with." She sighed, and Soph's frown turned to one of confusion.
"Tell me what you're thinking?" She prompted, leaning forward to drop her head onto the woman's shoulder. They always talked better when they didn't have to make direct eye contact... It was less intense, she supposed.
There was a pause while Kelly organised her thoughts, but after a moment, she took a long breath.
"Conflicted, I think, would be the word." She sounded lost in thought, Soph turned her head to press a chaste kiss to the side of her neck, gentle encouragement.
"Angry, at what happened, at how it was handled, at her. Happy that you told me. Sad for fourteen year old Soph that had to live through it..." She paused a moment, and Soph was glad as her mind did a double take. She was sad for her in the past, but not now?
"Proud of you, for how far you've come. And I suppose, I feel a bit shitty, because part of me knows that if none of it ever happened, if you'd never attacked Thwaites, we'd probably never have met, and the fact that that even factors is just-" She shuddered in mild disgust but Sophie pulled back, catching the side of her face to keep her still as she silenced her with a kiss. It was brief, and painfully sweet, and as she pulled back, she gave a small, crooked smile.
"Is okay." She finished for her.
"Some weird part of me did the same. If nothing else, I'm glad I ended up where I am." Blood rushed to her face but she didn't have too long to care about it as Kelly leaned in, claiming her lips once more. It was human, to want to keep the thing you want, regardless of the implications, and she appreciated the honesty of it. When they moved apart, she flashed a grin, deciding to move the conversation on. She was done being sad for now.
"We would have met anyway, you know. I would have been on the Hockey team." She nodded to the window, out of which that particular battleground could be seen, and Kelly smirked.
"Hm, I suppose that's true. But would you still have been interested?" She arched a brow and Sophie barked out a laugh.
"Is that even a question?" She shook her head at the very idea, she'd come to this school determined to hate the woman, and look where that got her. Jones chuckled as she nodded slowly.
"Fair point. Hm, a secret affair between hockey players... sounds like bad fanfiction." She stared off at nothing, apparently lost in thought, Soph grinned.
"Oh, it would be secret?" Her mind was already conjuring some delightful images.
"Of course, St. Trinian's team captain couldn't be seen to be fraternising with the enemy." Jones puffed up with false indignation and Soph laughed, dropping her arms around the other woman's shoulders.
"Damn, imagine the shame for a Cheltenham Lady, if she were caught with the riff-raff." She completely failed to hold a serious expression and burst out laughing before she'd even finished the last word, Jones snorted.
"You'd be the one player on the other team that plays along with her teammates snide comments for fear of them discovering her terrible secret... That she's not an elitist prick." Kelly's tone turned wistful as she stared dramatically off into the middle distance. Sophie smirked.
"Meanwhile you'd be annoyed by this new player that can actually keep up with you out there, but through a heavy dose of imagination and the laws of terrible fiction, annoyance turns to sexual tension, which is obviously returned, and we begin a clandestine affair." She posed in her own melodramatic stance and they exchanged a grin.
"Could have been fun." Soph shrugged but Jones shook her head, the arms about her waist pulling until she had to sit up to press them flush together.
"Hm... Maybe." Her tone dropped low as she leaned in. Soph's head tipped to one side almost automatically as lips brushed along her neck.
"But I don't know if I could handle only getting hold of you once a season." Teeth grazed over her skin and Soph shivered, arms tightening about her shoulders.
"We'd really have to make it count." Her eyes dropped shut and she buried a hand in dark hair, Kelly gave a dark chuckle.
"Nope, half a day would never be enough." She bit down into her shoulder and Soph failed to catch the quiet moan that escaped her.
The low burn that had settled into her stomach flared in anticipation.
"How long did you say we had?" She managed to find the words she needed and felt the lips at her neck curl into a smirk.
"Four hours." Cool hands slipped beneath her shirt and traced up her back, Soph shivered.
"It'll do."
No time with her would ever be enough.
Sadly, social obligations were persistent, and the pair of them had a party to attend. Shockingly, they were actually going to be on time as they meandered their way through the school toward the main hall. On the way, Kelly hummed in thought.
"Annabelle's turned into a decent head girl." The fond smile on her lips was sweet, Soph nodded.
"You knew she would. You wouldn't have picked her otherwise." She smirked to herself as Jone gave a shrug.
I knew she had potential, it's not always enough." Some memory kept her quiet for a moment.
"Then again, I knew you'd help her out." Her words were playfully scolding, Soph held up her hands with a shake of her head.
"I actually didn't do much, emergency situations aside…" Possession by ancient relatives aside.
"The Pomfrey business seemed to give her the kick she needed." She shrugged and Kelly seemed to accept her assessment.
"I guess it did... Oh, I had a word with him by the way." It was spoken so casually, Soph did a double take before she actually registered what was said. Apparently catching her dumbfounded expression, Jones gave a wicked grin.
"Made sure he wouldn't be waving a gun in my girl's face again any time soon." The slightly malicious humour in her tone and the mischief in her eyes actually managed to pull some pity from Soph as she considered what Jones might have done to the poor man, but it was quickly overshadowed by the strong combination of "I love this woman" and "Goddamn that's hot" thoughts that threatened to knock her on her ass.
Her mouth went dry and her step faltered but Kelly didn't pause, instead reaching the doors to the hall and turning to flash a smirk over her shoulder.
"Coming?" With a wink she was gone, vanishing into the room of smoke machines and strobe lights. Soph couldn't help but grin as she followed.
The party was everything they knew to expect from St. Trinian's; great music, excellent company, and terrible, terrible dancing. When she and Kelly finally staggered back up to their room, they were too tired to do anything but fall into bed and curl up together under the blanket.
"This is never going to get easier is it?" Jones gave a sad smile as she turned to face her. They were back in a familiar moment; beside Kelly's car, saying their goodbyes. Soph managed a sad smile.
"I'd worry if it did." She huffed and stepped forward, catching the woman about the waist and pulling her close to meet her gaze.
"As long as you come back, it's fine. I'll be here." Sincerity was not her strong suit, but she did her best, and it seemed to come across, as Jones tipped her head; that small, soft, smile finding her lips. A gentle hand came to rest on the side of her face.
"I promise I'll come home." She leaned down Soph let herself get pulled into a lingering kiss. It was the last they'd have for a while, so she couldn't help but make it last a little longer than it should, but she could hardly be blamed for that. When they finally pulled away, three very specific words rushed to the tip of her tongue, but her breath caught and she remained silent. She couldn't say it, not when she was about to leave, that was just weird.
"Look after yourself." She sighed and the woman smirked.
"I can handle myself, you keep out of trouble." She chuckled and Soph feigned indignation.
"Trouble? Me? How dare you?" She dropped the act and smiled, leaning up to steal another kiss before, very reluctantly, moving away.
"Get going, before I don't let you." She waved aimlessly and jammed her hands into her pockets. Kelly lingered for another moment, giving her that far too knowing smile of hers, before she turned away.
Soph forced herself to keep her smile as she watched her drive away, yet again.
It would be okay, missing someone was not the end of the world… She had shit to be getting on with, and Kelly had her work to do, and when they could, they'd see each other. That was life. No matter how much she wanted to sulk about it.
Her alarm was getting to be incredibly annoying. Still, she rolled out of bed and turned her computer on, letting it load as she went to brush her teeth. A check of her phone told her no word from Kelly, but it had only been a day, so that was hardly surprising. While getting dressed she flicked through the CCTV feeds; for St. Trinian's it was roughly the same as listening to the morning traffic report.
Huge paint spill this morning, meaning art would be cancelled.
Some first years seemed to be setting something elaborate up in a second floor corridor, so it would be wise to take an alternative route to maths.
Everything else seemed pretty normal, or at least not hazardous, so she headed down to breakfast, tucking her phone into her pocket as she went. Just in case.
Dropping down across from Annabelle and Roxy, she waited patiently for them to finish studying the inside of each other's mouths. She liked to think, or rather, she knew she and Kelly were not that bad. It seemed that, while Annabelle had her Head Girl duties down, she'd yet to find the balance between that and making out with her girlfriend. Maybe it was the weeks spent pretending not to be together, maybe that was the time they would have spent attached at the face, but somehow she doubted it, Jones was unbreakably dedicated to her role as Head Girl, and as distracting as Soph knew she could be, it would take far more than her to pull the woman from her duty. Maybe if there were three of her or something… That mental image was not unpleasant. Of course, three Kellys wouldn't be terrible either… And just like that, she wasn't particularly bothered by her cousin's preoccupation.
Eventually, however, she was pulled from her very pleasant thoughts as Annabelle finally took notice of her.
"Oh! Good morning." She beamed and Sophie rolled her eyes, flashing a smirk.
"Your tea's cold." She nodded to the mug on the table and smirked as Annabelle blushed. Roxy, of course, returned to her breakfast with an unashamed grin, clearly pleased with herself. Apparently regaining her composure with great speed, Annabelle straightened up.
"Art room two had been trashed during a fight so I need you to keep an eye on the clean-up for me, I have to do the monthly check on the Trinski supplies." The girl was all business, Soph nodded, saluting with her toast.
"On it." She shrugged, debating whether to warn her about the second floor, but she was Head Girl, it was her job to know these things. If she needed Sophie to warn her about a very public and obvious trap, she wasn't doing her job right.
Paint clean-up was never a particularly interesting task, she took up a comfortable seat by the window and opened her book. Her only job was to stop another fight from breaking out while the culprits worked. Typically, paint spills were a side effect of chav/emo disputes, so more often than not, it was them clearing the mess. It took forever, so she had a good chance at making a decent dent in her book, and she'd get to skip maths entirely, so really, she'd has worse mornings.
The days progressed in much the same pattern, wake up, check the feeds, go sit with Annabelle, get some duties for the day, attend lessons, hang out with friends, go for rides, read her book and definitely, absolutely, not even a little bit, stress about how long it had been since she'd heard from Kelly.
Days turned to a week, one week turned into two, and frankly, she was going nuts.
Not a word. Not a single text.
"Dude, you're starting to sound like a crazy person." Lexi was less than helpful. Soph scowled at her from where she lay on the floor.
"No offence or anything, but really, you might want to work on this co-dependency." The woman shrugged, shifting to swing her legs over the arm of her chair. Soph growled.
"It's not co-dependency. I just… Her job's dangerous. I am legitimately worried about her…" She trailed off. That was, at least, half of the reason for her state of near constant panic.
"Yeah, sure." The older woman was not convinced, but she never was. They'd had this conversation four times already.
As the weeks became a month, she started working out again. It was never a good sign, she only started an actual exercise regime when she was stressed to hell, and being aware of it did absolutely nothing to stop her. Granted, it was better than her other stress coping mechanism, which was excessive drinking, but still, it wasn't great. Her hand still hurt, so working the bags was out of the question, but running, doing push ups, sit ups and pullups until she was ready to throw up was an effective means of getting herself to sleep at night.
Chelsea began to worry, she could see it every time the woman looked at her. Annabelle was even worse, giving those big sad puppy eyes whenever she said she was going out. They weren't the only ones, the twins shared worried looks with each other, Zoe and Bianca stopped fighting when she was around, Roxy scowled at her, Camilla tried to offer reassurances... Lexi told her, repeatedly, to get over her shit.
Really, she was starting to get a little sick of it. Yes, she was worried, yes she was stressed, and yes, she was having trouble sleeping and pushing herself too hard. What did they know? For all she knew, Kelly could be...
Her thoughts cut off there as she refused to acknowledge that particular line of thought.
Her other options weren't much better. Either Jones had finally decided she wasn't worth coming back to, or she'd met someone else, or… She'd scared her off with the whole 'revealing her past' thing. Of course, most of her mind really, really, wanted to believe something was just holding her up, that she would be back, but her mind wouldn't let her stick to that, because that would only sane.
Halloween passed her by, bonfire night followed. She stole the roof back from its new occupants and, wisely, the women let her have it. Irritatingly, the whiskey that used to regenerate within the chimney seemed to have vanished, or its owner got sick of someone constantly stealing it. Really, she was surprised it had lasted as long as it had, the number of bottles she and Kelly were responsible for taking.
Three months, three goddamn months.
The texts were starting to get depressing.
Hey
Having fun saving the world?
You dead or just busy?
Either way you're probably not going to answer
I was joking… now slightly worried
Kelly
You know it's fine if you don't want to come back, but let me know if you're alive, okay?
At least tell Annabelle, or something...
She'd moved on to phone calls sometime around month two, even though Kelly had warned her against calling unless it was an actual emergency.
The phone didn't even ring.
The number you have dialled is currently unavailable, please check the number or call again later.
The number you have dialled is currently unavailable, please check the number or call again later.
The number you have dialled is currently unavailable, please check the number or call again later.
The number you have dialled is currently unavailable, please check the number or call again later.
The number you have dialled is currently unavailable, please check the number or call again later.
The number you have dialled is fucking unavailable, stop calling, you utter twat.
The nightmares were the worst. Every night, following that first phone call, a delightful array of terrible thoughts come to life. In some, Kelly returned to collect her things, in others, she never came back at all. As the weeks moved on, they became more and more warped. Kelly would return and tell her she was too broken, too twisted to bother with… In the really dark recesses of her mind, she told her to go back to Claymore.
Christmas was approaching fast and she forced herself out to do some shopping. She bought gifts for everyone, wrapping them with as much care as she could muster. Kelly never missed Christmas at St. Trinian's, regardless of whether the woman still wanted to be with her, she'd be back for that, surely? Like a twat, she bought her a gift, and one for her birthday. Just in case there really was some reasonable explanation for this shit.
Lexi called her an idiot.
She was the only one really still talking to her; everyone at St. Trinian's had taken to avoiding her. It made sense, they all loved Kelly, so obviously they weren't going to take sides in this. Any reassurances the others gave now were hollow and awkward. Most of them had no idea where she worked, so they had no idea why she was so worried.
Honestly, as Christmas flew by and New Year darted past, she didn't even care if the bloody woman had abandoned her anymore. She just wanted to know if she was alive.
Even the nightmares stopped in the end, but that was only because she'd stopped sleeping for more than fifteen minutes at a time. She stopped working out, finding enough energy to drag herself to lessons, eat a little, and get back to bed.
There was too much emotion and stress building in her gut for her to handle, so she'd shut it down completely, returned to the numbness she knew so well. Numb she could do, numb she could live with… But it was a lie. She'd been numb, she'd lived it. This… wasn't that.
This was denial. All the fear, the stress, the misery was just sat beneath a blank surface, like covering a time bomb with a blanket. Something was going to set her off, some tiny little nudge would send her sky high…
That tiny thing turned out to be Roxy.
Annabelle stopped her after Art, insisted on talking with her.
"Soph… you need to stop this…" Her tone was gentle, pleading, Sophie sighed, leaning back against a window, facing her cousin.
"I can't. If I stop… " She trailed off, her mind refusing to voice what she had been refusing to acknowledge for weeks now. Sympathy was a beacon in the Head Girl's eyes.
"But this is killing you. Kelly wouldn't want you to just… waste away." She moved closer as if she intended to go for a hug and Sophie flinched. She hadn't touched anyone in months, she jammed her hands into her pockets and wisely, Annabelle kept her distance.
"She'd want to to keep going, to be happy..." She pleaded but Soph winced.
"Stop talking about her like she's d-... Gone. She's not gone." It sounded weak even to her own ears, a child's naïve hope in the face of absolute truth. She wouldn't say it, couldn't say it.
"Soph…" The other girl began, but another voice caught their attention.
"Mate, you need to get over this. It sucks that she's being a dick about it, but she's ghosted you… You need to move on." Roxy stalked in, pity in her gaze. Soph grit her teeth.
"You don't know what you're talking about." She growled, her emotionless mask slipping just a little. Roxy didn't know, she had no idea about Kelly's job, she didn't know. Annabelle seemed to try and stop her from striding across the room, but the blonde stepped around her, moving right into Sophie's space.
"No, you're just in denial. She's gone. Get your shit together, and move on from the bitch. For fucks sake, if she's this much of a dick, she'd not even worth your-"
Sophie's mind snapped like an elastic band pulled too far, honestly, the sound might even have been audible. Though no-one would hear it over the heavy smash of knuckles to skin as she sent the woman sprawling. There was a loud smash and a clatter as the blonde fell into an easel on her way down, breaking the painting some student or other had been working on earlier. Soph didn't hear any of it, her mind was blank but for a high pitch ringing. She couldn't hear her own heartbeat, couldn't feel her knuckles split as she dove after the woman and struck out again, one hand wound tight in her shirt as the other pulled back for a third hit. It never landed, someone caught her arm and held it, giving Roxy the chance to swing back. Sophie never even felt the punch that snapped her head to the side and filled her mouth with blood. She was pushed back and she staggered, falling against the window… She didn't remember much else after that. Everything was a blur, smashing glass, tables clattering into walls, chairs smashing against the blackboard, canvas shredding, cans of paint turning the room a thousand colours but all Sophie could see was red and white. Still all she could hear was that high note, ringing in her ears and piercing her skull.
Eventually, it all stopped.
Time seemed to freeze as a single coherant thought passed through her like a ghost.
Kelly was dead.
Her legs fell out from underneath her and she dropped, alone, to the floor. She curled in on herself, a ball amidst the multicoloured swirl of paint and wreckage. Hot trails tracked clear paths down her cheeks and her breath came in sharp, shuddering gasps. Her hands stung and burned, her face throbbed, every muscle in her body trembled and ached. She clasped her hands behind her head, over the back of her neck, and pulled her face down against her knees as she shook and gasped.
Kelly was gone.
She was dead.
And she'd never even told her she loved her.
It was some time before the door opened, but she put up no resistance when her aunt took her by the hand, following silently and blindly as she was led down through the school, past the door to the laundry room and into the back end of the basement.
"We're going to have you stay down here for a while, girlie, just until you're a little calmer, okay?" She was guided into, what could only be called, a cell, and obediently lay down in the bed. She could feel the paint on her drying and sticking to the sheets but she didn't care. Her eyes closed and she prayed for sleep. The door shut and the lock slid into place with a heavy clang.
"Polly, you need to find her." The words echoed back through the door as the quiet click of sensible heels receded.
Darkness overtook her, and she fell into blissful nothingness.
Breaking someone out of denial is like waking a sleepwalker, if you really have to do it, do it gently. Roxy did not follow this advice. Well, I told you it would be dramatic, and I do like to keep my promises where possible, so there you have it. I hope you enjoyed reading and I hope to catch you again next week - J
Final note: You can bet your asses I'm going to write a oneshot at some point for the AU where they meet through hockey.
