I'm not ganna lie, I'm pretty proud of this summary.
Hello everyone,
This is the translation of an old fanfic I wrote. I think it's pretty funny and wanted to share it.
Welcome to this fanfiction where Izuku will become the personification of a well-known comic character (which we won't name because of copy rights). Crudeness and fourth wall breaking on the menu! Enjoy!
"Dialogue"
'Thoughts'
Voice in Dekupool's head
Dekupool: MrClikk & Co declines all responsibility in case of shitty writing, symptoms can be as followed: temporary blindness, vomiting, excessive diarrhea, … If symptoms persist, consult your family physician.
Author: Shut up Izuku!
Dekupool: Oh sorry, are we already doing the thing where I talk directly to you? Are you sure you don't want the ever-present first chapter which explain how I got my powers by redoing the first episode of the anime that everyone has already watched and red a million times first ?
Author: No, it's much of a pain, you can do it.
Dekupool: Ooooooooh really? Can I?
Hum Hum *sits next to the fire and burns marshmallows* Come kids, let uncle Izuku tell you the story of the man who was bitten by a radioactive comic book artist …
Author : Stooooop ! I'm gonna stop you right there, otherwise we're gonna be here for an hour. Sorry kids, story time's over, we're gonna begin.
Dekupool: … And that how I became the president of Mars, and … Hey wait, where are you going? You're gonna miss the best part ! COME BACK!
Chapter 1 : Super hero landing
"Urgh, this city is dirty and smells, it's the survival of the fittest, and the weak are destined to be eaten by the strong. Thank God, I'm here to deliver Justice. Because I'm Batm …
"Excuse me sir, sorry to disturb you, but you can be here."
The janitor, confused, looked at the strange man with a pink bedsheet on his back and a green costume talking to himself on the roof of this nice little building, on this lovely Tuesday afternoon.
"Euh … I have to go …" said the man, before literally jumping off the roof.
'Shit I forgot I don't have a quirk to fly!'
Wait I have an idea! Batman can't fly either! Use the cape like a parachute, it works all the time in movies!
'Of course! If it works in movies, why not in a not in poorly written fanfiction, written by some unemployed dude living in his mom's basement?'
He caught the corners of the bedsheet.
"It working! It's wor …"
SPLOOSH
The super hero pathetically crashed on the pavement, painting the sidewalk red, his organs exploded, his bones shattered. It was extremely painful.
And he pissed himself like he was 7. And he's ugly.
'Sorry Author-kun, I won't say anything anymore about your pathetic life.'
He's a bit grumpy lately. Do you think it's because it's been a long since he got laid?
It was at that EXACT moment, by unfortunate luck, that the beautiful hero Uravity was passing by for her daily patrol, and saw pancake-man chilling in his own blood and urine.
"Oh my god Deku-kun is that you?" She screamed as ran towards him. "Don't move I'm gonna get some help!"
Ochako "Uravity" Uraraka and Izuku "Dekupool" Midoriya knew each other and were friends since the entrance exam of high school when Ochako saved his life from a deadly fall with her power over gravity. From that moment, love slapped him right in the face (literally).
Izuku wanted to say hi but his jaw was a few meters away and with half his face in asphalt, it was hard to express coherent words.
"Gwood mfornig Okfako-fan, kfu blook blubliful."
Little blood bubbles formed as he talked and with is only valid hand he drew a heart of blood and urine.
"God damn it Deku! Stop clowning around!"
"Leave that dumbass, Roundface, we don't have time. You know that he's almost invincible with his regenerative quirk. We got a call!"
This voice as pleasing to the ears as a cat who caught his balls on a fence, belonged to Ochako's partner, Bakugo "Ground Zero " Katsuki or Kacchan as he love to be called.
"Heyyyy Kacchan, you look great. Been lifting at the gym?" Asked Izuku now that is jaw was back up.
Katsuki turned angrily at him.
-Sorry, you don't like that nickname? You want another one? How about Blond Dynamite? Or Sand-in-the-ass ?
SPLOOSH
Katsuki smashed our hero's head with his boot and grabbed a shocked Ochako to drag her out of the street, cursing along the way.
"Ok see you later, Explody Mc Boom Boom."
15 minute later Izuku was back on track, he grabbed the pieces of his body and threw them in the garbage.
"Remember kids, teeth goes in the green bin."
2 hours later.
Izuku arrived before the filthiest bar he knew. That kind of establishment that redefines the concept of "hygiene", but Izuku liked it. First, because no one would come to bother him in this shithole, and because it was a den of losers, criminals, thugs, let us call it like that … men of little faith. Therefore, this bar was the perfect place for criminals and mercenaries to look for all kind of jobs. This lovely little place was called "Hellhouse". He pushed the doors and went inside.
"Hello cocksuckers!" he screamed out loud.
People turned towards him for a moment before completely ignoring him. He stepped in front of a bald old man behind a counter.
"Hey Patch!"
The old man, known as Patch, looked up from his newspaper with bored eyes. He was small, completely bald with a thick white mustache and eyebrows.
"What do you want Izuku?"
"I want a job ma man!"
"No way, you always find a way to screw up your missions, and then I have to clean your mess. Order a drink or get out."
"Oh com'on, don't like that. How I am gonna pay my p*rnhub premium subscription if I don't have a job? You're not gonna deprive a man from his most basic need?
Izuku then gave the old man the saddest puppy eyes he could do, his only known weakness (that and stairs).
"Ok Ok, stop that!" He said as he gave him a folder. "If you screw this one up, I swear that that I will skin you ass until I can make enough leather jackets to get back what you own me."
Before Patch changed his mind or realized that a business out of ass-skin jacket is a shitty idea, Izuku snatched the folder from his hands.
"Thanks old chum! I'd kiss your bald head there wasn't this counter."
"That why it's here." He said as he returned to his newspaper.
Izuku sat at a table and called a waitress.
"Hey sweetheart, can I get a beer, a tequila shot and your number? Put that on my tab, under "Patch", thanks."
The girl smiled and came back a few minutes later, with a beer, a tequila shot and a folded paper with "Fuck you : )" written on it.
Don't worry champ, it'll work someday.
Izuku opened the folder and red the mission. Usually it was simple jobs like delivering a package or scaring someone who owes some money. Sometimes murder, but it was not that common. The contractor has to pay part of the reward when publishing the mission and the rest when it was completed. When the mission was a failure, the rest of the reward was lost.
"Let's see … yadi-yadi-yada, getting the money back … Tomura Shigaraki … Haha look at that face!
Inside the folder was joined a picture of a young man with the face, shoulders and arms covered in hands.
"Guess he doesn't need A HAND!"
He burst out of laughter turning around but saw no one laughing.
"Tough crowd." He said grumpy.
Keep it for HandyFace, I bet that he has a good sense of humor.
"Good thinking me! All right let's go! Maximum effort!" He said out loud as he ran outside.
Author : oki … I think that was a mistake.
Dekupool: There's no mistakes, only happy little accidents.
Author: Take off that afro wig you look ridiculous.
Dekupool: You think they will get the reference?
Author: It doesn't matter, I wanted to write and thought about this old idea that I had (I thought I was being creative with the name Dekupool, but someone already thought about it). Anyway, tell me what you guys think, I can write more of this if you still want to cringe or (hopefully) laugh a bit. Ciao!
Dekupool: Later Alligator !
Author : You see Izuku, this is why you were bullied and didn't had friends.
Dekupool : :'(
