A/N: I am so so so so so sorry it's taken a while to update. I had a lot of stuff come up recently and for a short time I was so afraid my laptop crapped out on me. But it's fixed now and can I just say, I wish I could hug every single one of you who have taken the time to leave a review and favorite/follow? Ya'll, I don't even have words it just... It means the world to me. You all mean the world to me. Thank you so so so much.
To address some reviews I got on part 3.
To my guest:First of all, I am right there with you on the Carly rants. I might have them myself in the notes up here at times, be warned. I'm so glad you like that I gave Liz some sass because frankly, I've always felt there's just so much more to her than the writers bothered to explore. I'm also so happy you're enjoying this so far. I have an outline written up for this story, and.. It's going to get interesting. We'll just say that. In a good way, of course.
Thank you eva505 for your sweet comment, you made my day!
FOUR
"Is that Tinder?"
Josslyn's question interrupted my browsing and in a rush, I shoved the phone into my pocket. Shrugging in lieu of a verbal answer. Josslyn continued, eyeing me in concern as she got into position to start warming up, "Tinder's dangerous. Sarah, this girl in my class, she met a guy off there. Only he wasn't who he said he was. When she went to meet him, she found out he was 35."
I cringed. Instructing Josslyn, "Focus on stretching. You want to be real good and limber because today, we're going to start putting together your floor routine for your tryout."
She nodded, but she didn't seem to pick up on my subtle hint. Instead, she continued, " If I were you, I don't think I'd even bother with Tinder."
I snickered quietly. Shaking my head as I started to realize that apparently, Josslyn and Morgan share the same tenacity and she wasn't going to just let this drop. "If it makes you feel better, I didn't even want to sign up. I did it because the therapist said that putting myself out there again might help me stay away from my old patterns. And then my sister Babe overheard me telling our mother that and naturally, she ran with it. She set it up for me."
"Why not just delete it then? I mean, call me old-fashioned but like... Isn't it better to meet a person more naturally? To get to know somebody? Instead of just signing up for a site that's pretty much only looks driven?"
I laughed, nodding in agreement. "That's what I told her! She told me that worse case scenario, at least I have Tinder to fall back on? Something like she wanted to do everything she could to keep me away from Jo- err.. Past mistakes." I went quiet, standing behind Josslyn, pushing her shoulders so that they were straight and not quite so rounded.
"You mean that jerk Joey, right?"
I blinked in shock. "How'd you know about him?"
"I came in early once and overheard you arguing with him." Josslyn admitted, giving a sheepish shrug. I sighed and nodded. "Yeah. Him. If you don't learn anything else working with me, kid, take this piece of wisdom... Never ignore your gut. If I hadn't in the first place, I wouldn't be 23, going on 24 and in therapy. With a previous drinking problem and self esteem issues."
,, and yet, here I am... Doing my level best to do just that where Morgan is concerned." the thought came and I shoved it down as deep as I could get it. So what my gut tells me that Morgan's the guy I want. So what lately if I'm out somewhere in town I find myself searching crowds for him. So what I catch myself looking at his Instagram at least 4 or 5 times a week just to feel even a little closer to him without risking the safety of my shattered one too many times heart?
Josslyn cringed and sighed. "That bad, hm?"
"Just.. Trust me when I say that Joey Nowak definitely left his mark." I hoped against hope that Josslyn wouldn't push it. And I realized not even a second later, pushing it is what she intended to do. I thought she'd let the whole thing drop, but when we were taking a time out to guzzle down some Propel and let ourselves rest, she admitted quietly, "Kiki really messed with my brother's head too. Now she's trying it with Michael and it ticks me off because I'm only 14 and like... There's nothing I can do but sit back and watch. Be there for them both when Hurricane Kiki finally takes her chaotic behind elsewhere."
I sighed, nodding. "One younger sister to another... That's really all we can do. Other than help pick up the pieces and remind our siblings what love is supposed to feel like and keep them rooted to reality when they start going off the rails. My sister... She got mixed up with this real prick of a guy before I was born. I've tried to help her work through things as much as I can since I got old enough to understand why she couldn't just come back to Pine Valley. Then my half-sister come along, gets involved with the same exact prick and it winds up being the death of her... So yeah. I know exactly what you mean, Joss."
"It really sucks, huh?" Josslyn leaned against me a little. I nodded, keeping my phone out of sight. Or I thought I was until Josslyn asked with a soft laugh, "Were you just creeping my brother Morgan's Instagram?"
"What? No. No! I was actually scrolling my home feed, thank you very much ma'am." I poked out my tongue as I quickly got myself off of Morgan's page and went back to my home feed, holding the phone out so Josslyn could see. She pouted a little and after twisting some hair around her finger, she asked quietly, "Like... I'm not trying to be nosy here, but... my brother thinks he annoys you or that you don't like him. Or he did. Now he's just confused. I swear I won't say anything if you tell me not to. I just really don't want to watch him get hurt..."
I bit my lip. Sighing. Staring at the grains in the wood flooring for a moment as I admitted quietly, "You're only 14 so I doubt you've had this happen. It'll be a while for you yet, but.. Sometimes you meet a person and despite knowing that it's maybe not such a good idea to be attracted to them, you just can't help it. Be it emotional reasons, physical reasons or what have you... There are people out there, Joss, who are magnetic. I can't speak for Morgan, but I can only tell you that he's magnetic to me. But I'm too messed up and he's not in a good place. The deck's stacked against us before we can even start the card game."
"Morgan likes cards too." Josslyn mused as she nodded, a thoughtful expression on her face. "I kind of know what you mean. For as long as I can remember, I've kind of felt this connection towards a guy in my grade. But we're too close as friends, there is literally no way I'm willing to mess that up."
"Smart. So you wait a few years and you see if that feeling is gone. If it's not, then you decide what to do. But don't just like.. Don't sit back and do nothing at all because trust me... That torments you more than anything. I'm kind of learning this the hard way. But my situation is a lot different."
I sprang up from the floor, pulling Josslyn up too when she reached out for my hand. "To answer your question though, no. No, Morgan doesn't annoy me and I don't hate him. I just can't act on what I do feel." I explained as I wandered back over to the barre and raised my leg, stretching. Reaching out to touch the tip of my big toe with my hand.
"Can't or won't?" Josslyn eyed me, smirking a little. I sighed and shook my head, laughing quietly at the question. "Kid, trust me. It's not as black and white as you see it."
"Actually, yeah. It is." Josslyn insisted.
"Okay, say I could act on what I feel... Pretty sure Morgan's not going to settle for my moody ass. Just trust me. I am an acquired taste, kid." I laughed off what I said, mostly to deflect the true nature of what I meant deep down inside. Josslyn studied me intently for a second or two as she started to do her own leg stretches, grunting quietly a time or two.
"What's that look for?"
"I think you're pretty awesome, so... yeah." Josslyn smirked at me as she lowered one leg and raised the other, stretching it out. I got this feeling that Josslyn was definitely planning something. On the one hand, it kind of amused me, but on the other hand? I was kind of silently freaking out. The last thing I want is things to get even further awkward between Morgan and I and I'm worried that if Josslyn suddenly goes into younger sibling matchmaker mode, yeah... Things just might.
,, and deep down, I know I'm not enough for the guy, there's that." the nagging thought came and I pushed it out of my head. Thankfully, Josslyn seemed to be done with deep conversation for the time being, and we got into starting to put together her floor routine for her try out.
We were a good halfway through what felt like the final version of the routine when Carly showed up. Or rather, when I noticed her lurking, waiting to pick up Josslyn.
I gave my usual stiff nod hello and after telling Josslyn goodbye, I started to gather my own things. I was in the middle of putting on my favorite black moto boots when Carly's throat cleared from behind me. I glanced up at her from over my shoulder, a brow raised a the money in her hand.
"What's that for?"
"Just take it."
I mulled it over. Women like Carly operate on conditions and strings. I'm not stupid. My former brother in law Adam was similar in a lot of ways from what little I remember of the guy and what I know from my sister Babe. So I didn't know whether to take the money and worry about the strings and conditions later or just flat turn her down and go about my day.
She placed it in my hand and wandered out before I could actually decide what I was going to do for myself. I shrugged and shook my head, muttering quietly, "Oh no. No, that wasn't weird at all." to myself as I shrugged on my red down stuffed winter jacket with the black trimmed hood and as soon as I'd grabbed my red gym bag, I was making my way out of the gym.
Or I was until I caught sight of Morgan over in the boxing ring and I found myself just kind of standing there, watching him take swing after swing after swing at the weight bag. Keeping quiet. Just watching the way each well placed and deliberate punch connected with a designated area on the bag and made very well defined and muscular arms and shoulders flex gracefully with every move he made. I bit my lip and grumbled to myself. It was getting later. I'd promised to meet up with Liz and Felix for drinks. I needed to get going and yet... I was rooted where I stood. Hand raised and tangled in my hair as I gawked at the poor guy while he was totally unaware.
That's the thing about magnets. No matter how hard one side tries to fight the pull, it's always there. And it usually winds up winning in the end. I shook my head at the thought and started to step outside but Morgan happened to notice me and called my name. Climbing out of the ring and walking towards me.
"Joss's routine is coming along really well." Morgan mumbled. Stepping close to me. Before I could stop myself, I was mirroring it, doing the same. "Mhm, it is. I'm not telling her this because I wanna keep her ego down here on Earth, but.. I think she might just get that spot on the team they're putting together for that regional competition. If she doesn't, the judges were bought off." I admitted.
Swallowing hard. Lost in the blue of his eyes before I could stop myself.
I nodded to the boxing ring. "You're a boxer, huh?"
"Nah. Punching a weight bag is better than other alternatives." Morgan chuckled as he said it, a smaller and weaker version of his cocky smirk playing at his lips. He did it again, stepping closer to me. My breath caught in my throat and I shuffled my feet. I couldn't really think of anything else to talk to him about, either.
"I saw your Insta story earlier. How the hell do you get your leg that far over your head without breaking something, exactly?" Morgan smirked a little more. Raising his hand to drag it through sweat dampened jet black hair. Before I realized it, I was following the movement of his hand with my eyes, totally distracted.
And I so wanted to punch myself in the throat for it too. What I was doing right now? Exactly what I keep telling myself not to do. Because it only ends with me, giving too much of myself, losing myself and getting my heart ripped out and smashed into a million little pieces.
,, and yet, I can't help but know somehow that Morgan's different. That I could let go and maybe this time, someone would catch me. But letting go is just too fucking scary."
I gave a soft laugh, shrugging it off. "I've been doing it since I was 4 and my dad took me to the Olympics and I decided I wanted to learn how? How do you punch so efficiently without risking a broken thumb? Because I can't. Every time I've ever punched someone I always wind up jamming my thumb or nearly breaking it."
Morgan chuckled. Rubbing his chin in thought. "That's because nobody ever taught you how to make a fist properly or control the punch. Make a fist."
I made a fist. Morgan stepped even closer. Our bodies just barely grazing against each other. His hand closed over mine and he positioned my thumb into the proper place for it without taking his eyes off of me for a single second. I fumbled and fumbled around for something, anything to say to shatter through this thick tension happening between us, but my mouth and brain didn't seem to be in the mood to assist.
He moved to stand behind me. His mouth against the shell of my ear. The warmth of his breath tickling as he whispered, "Okay, now act like you're going to punch air."
I did what he said and he chuckled. Taking hold of my arm with one hand. The other on my hip. I gulped. Grateful that he couldn't see just how red in the face I was at the moment. He guided my arm as I tried again. Chuckling quietly. "Just do that if you gotta punch someone and presto.. No more jammed or almost broken thumbs." he stepped away. Taking a deep breath, I couldn't help but notice it.
And immediately, I had to remind myself that it had nothing to do with what just happened. The guy had been at it with the punching bag, he was probably tired. That had to be it.
"It's a lot easier if you don't have a ten pound jacket in the way, by the way. Ya know.. If you wanna learn a few things... It's not like I have anything better to do, Jenny." Morgan said it so casually. I managed a nod, still trying to pull myself together and get my mind back in the present as opposed to a million miles away, in my deepest - buried fantasies. "I'll keep that in mind, Morgan." I managed to get the words out finally, adding in a rush, "I need to get going. I'm meeting co-workers for drinks."
"Be careful going home tonight. Another storm's supposed to hit around midnight." Morgan was stepping closer all over again. Winding my scarf around my neck a little more securely. I nodded, managing a smile as I gazed up at him. "Will do. Next time you're boxing or whatever, at least tape your hands? It looks like your knuckles are going to swell later. You might want to soak them when you get home." I muttered, stepping away. Willing myself to walk out the damn door finally, because if I didn't, I knew I'd stay right here until he had to go.
Because for some reason, I never really want to walk away from him first. My instinct is to stay and it is literal hell trying to fight that as of late. The more I see him, the harder it gets, actually.
I hailed a cab once I was outside and once I was in the cab, I leaned my head back against the seat's headrest and took a few long and deep breaths. Fanning myself because despite the chill in the air I'd just come out of, I was on fire all over. And remembering that I'd been about to check Tinder earlier in the gym, I dug my phone out of my gym bag. Pulling up the Tinder app and scrolling through messages I'd gotten.
There was one guy who was local.
,, I have to do something. If I don't distract myself from the way I feel about Morgan, I'm going to lose my goddamn mind." the thought came and it spurred me to action.
I messaged the guy back. Just a Hi, nothing more. Worst case scenario, I meet up with him and it's a disaster.
,, why bother? I know who I really want. I could just maybe, for once... try trusting my gut again and letting myself have him. But no. Here I am." In disgust with myself for the moment, I shoved the phone back into my gym bag, paying the driver for the ride to Jake's and getting out.
Maybe the guy won't even answer. Truthfully? It won't hurt my feelings if he doesn't...
