AN: Hi. So over quarantine I fell in love with Glee again, more specifically, Santana and Brittany, and fell into a little Brittana spiral, so here I am. I came up with this concept, and I don't know, it kinda ran away from me. This is inspired by something that I do: writing letters to other people when I need to vent or express feelings that I don't understand. It's also kinda from Dear Evan Hansen, the writing yourself letters part, not the pretend to be friends with the dead kid part. I hope this is at least semi-coherent and semi-cohesive, so please leave comments and your reactions, I haven't written in a bit, so please don't be too harsh. :)
For context, in my mind about 80% of Glee canon is actually canon, if that makes sense. I kinda have my own ideas of how Brittany and Santana met and like what happens after 5x12/13 and after 6x13, so hopefully it all comes through ok. Plus I took some liberty with the season 4/5/6 timelines (ie somehow Britt and San get married in my timeline in 2014 bc a year disappeared when season 5 started right at the end of season 4) since they make no sense anyway.
Also I imagine that sometimes Brittany and Santana make each other more infinite playlists just because, so of course, here one is: /playlist?list=PL2ecmx-Y0-PGxHGnvJh_EPfQNBhjNIw_h
!Content warning!This includes topics that may upset some readers including allusions eating disorders, homophobia, parental and other family issues, death, and slight references to self harm/ suicide as well as includes slight explicit language. So, please do not read if these topics are not healthy for you to hear about right now.!
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For Naya
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"In eyes not yet created
On tongues that are not born
I have written you down
Now you will live forever"
(Poet, Bastille)
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To whom it may concern,
My name is Santana Lopez and I'm 18 and gay and so fucking in love with Brittany S Pierce. You may be wondering what the hell this stack of letters that you're reading is, and honestly, I don't know either. This letter-writing thing started when I was like 6 or so. My parents got me a therapist because their marriage had never been really great, but it did not get better after I was born, and definitely not after I came out, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, at age 6 was when my parents really started fighting and things were not getting better for anyone. So, maybe they thought if I got better, they would get better, too. Spoiler alert: that did not work. Something that my childhood therapist Lacey told me to do was write letters. Not letters to send or for anyone else. Just letters for me. I think she knew that even at a young age, I didn't really communicate well with other people. So that's what I did. I wrote letters. I started when I was 6 and I haven't stopped, and I don't think I ever will. Most letters are written when I'm feeling really overcome with emotion, some not. They're not really written on a schedule, just word vomit when I need to. So, dear person reading my deepest thoughts, I hope you can find some value in the inner life of a Lima lesbian, and who knows, maybe after I'm famous, they'll be worth something.
With love, San x
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Act I
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Dear Diary,
My name is Santana Diabla Lopez and I am 6 years old and I think this is dumb. Miss Lacey says that I have to write letters but I do not know why. Maybe it is to practice my spelling even though I am the best in my class. I am even better than Rachel, even though she thinks she is better than me. She is not smarter than me. She is not a better singer than me either. I don't like her very much. Not a lot of people do. She does not have a lot of friends, but she does that to herself. I have a best friend. Her name is Brittany Susan Pierce. Diary, maybe you can be my friend. I know you will not tell my secrets to anyone. I have a secret to tell you: I really like Brittany. She is nice to everyone and she is really pretty and I think I would do anything for her. Diary, that is all I can think of for today's letter. I'll talk to you later.
With love, Santana D Lopez
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Dear Diary,
The last time I wrote to you was a couple weeks ago. Not much has changed since then, but Miss Lacey says that I have to keep writing. She read my letter last time. She did not say anything bad, but she asked me how I felt about my parents. I would rather talk to you about Brittany, but I will talk about my parents to make Miss Lacey happy. I love my parents, just like any other kid. They fight. I don't know if other kid's parents fight as much as mine. Sometimes I get really scared because they might get divorced, but I do not want my Mama and Papa to know that I am scared. I have to be brave. Miss Lacey says it is okay to be scared and to cry, but my Abuela does not like it when I cry. I love my Abuela and I do not want her to be mad at me. Miss Lacey also says that I am smarter than a lot of kids my age and I understand more. I do not know what that means. I just want people to like me. Everyone likes Brittany. I wish I was more like Brittany. Her parents do not fight with each other and her house always feels happier than mine. Brittany is going to have a sister soon and her mom and dad are always smiling. Maybe if I have a sister then my Mama and Papa will smile.
With love, Santana
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Dear Diary,
Guess what? Brittany has a little sister now! It has been a few months since the last time I wrote to you. I am sorry that I forgot. So many things have happened since my last letter. Miss Lacey said it was okay, though. She made me talk to her in person and we do other things together. We draw pictures and play games but she said it is okay if I write to you when I want to. Also guess what? I am in first grade now! I graduated kindergarten last May with Brittany and Lucy and Mercedes and Noah and Kurt and Finn and Mike and Matt and my whole class! Even Rachel graduated. Then in summer we went to Abuela's house a lot. I like going there. I have been going there more often, especially without my parents. The only bad thing about going to Abuela's house is that I do not see Brittany, but when I go home, I can have a lot of play dates with her. I had a lot of play dates with her this summer, even after her sister was born. Brittany's sister's name is Ashley. Ashley is so small and she kind of looks like Brittany, but Ashley's hair is so dark like her dad's. I asked my Mama why Brittany and Ashley do not look alike and she said that family's all can look different. I guess that is true like Kurt has one dad and Finn has one mom and Rachel has two dads and Brittany has a mom and a dad.
First grade is fun. It is not hard, but it is harder than kindergarten. This year, my teacher says that we will learn a lot and I like learning. I like first grade so far, but I can not wait to grow up. I want to do all the stuff big kids do. This summer, I also had play dates with Lucy. Lucy is my second best friend behind Brittany. Lucy has an older sister named Frannie and Frannie is always going out with her friends and I think that Frannie may even have a boyfriend. I do not know if I want a boyfriend now, but I can not wait to be in middle school. I told that to Miss Lacey, but she says that I should be excited to by in first grade now. She said that I should be happy where I am now. I guess that is good advice, but I am still excited to grow up.
With love, Santana
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Dear Diary,
Today something happened at school that made me angry. Some kid called Brittany stupid. He made her cry. She did not do anything wrong, she was just taking a little longer to read the page. I almost punched him in the face, but Brittany said I should not do that because i could have gotten in trouble. I did not want to be a tattletale, but I told the teacher that he called Brittany stupid and it made her upset. My teacher said that I did the right thing. Then after recess she talked to the whole class and said that we have to all be nice to each other and that we are almost second-graders and second-graders do not call other people names. I knew that the bully knew that I told the teacher and after school in the parking lot he came up to me and pushed me and said that I was stupid, too. Diary, how come it made me madder when he called Brittany stupid than when he called me stupid? Maybe it is because sometimes when I mess up my Abuela calls me mean names, too. This time, when he called me stupid, I called him the names that my Abuela calls me in Spanish. That made me feel a little better because I was smarter than him because he did not know what the words meant. Diary, I swear that I will always stand up for Brittany because she is my best friend in the whole world. Maybe in second grade people will not be as mean.
With love, Santana
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Dear Diary,
It's Christmas Eve and I'm writing to you instead of Santa because I know you're real and Santa isn't. So far, this year was good I guess. I don't see my dad too much anymore and me and Mama spend a lot of time at Abuela's house. At least when my parents were fighting they were talking to each other. Now I don't even know if they talk to each other. I haven't see Miss Lacey in a long time. Mama says that I might start seeing her again soon.
Even though I don't think Santa is real, I know that Brittany does and so does her sister, even though Ashley is only one year old. This year I made Brittany the best gift ever, but it's a secret, even to you Diary, but I'll give you a hint. It has to do with pictures and I made a card and wrote a letter to Brittany inside it.
This year was okay but I know that next year will be even better! I'm excited, Diary. I can't wait to write you more letters.
With love, Santana
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Dear Diary,
My parents are getting a divorce. My name is Santana, I'm 8 years old, and my parents are getting a divorce. It's just another fact about me. They sat me down one night a couple weeks ago and we had a little talk they called it. My Mama said that her and my dad needed some time alone and that now they knew they shouldn't be married anymore. My dad has not really lived with us for a long time, but now he is moving away for good. He says that he is moving to Columbus and that he has a new job in the hospital there. Mama says that maybe I will still see him on my birthday or Christmas, but he made Mama sad, so I don't now how much I want to see him. He also could get really mean when he drank. Maybe it will be better now that he is not here anymore. I should be sad about my parents getting a divorce, but I think I knew it was coming. Mama said that I'm gonna see Miss Lacey next week. I'm gonna show her all the letters I wrote to you, Diary. She's going to be happy.
I should tell you that I am almost a third-grader now! School starts in two weeks and I'm excited to go back because I'm going to see Britt Britt again. We only saw each other a little bit this summer because she went to see her family and they live far away from Lima. She sent me a postcard which is like a really short letter with a picture on the back. Since Britt Britt was not here that much, I got to hang out with Lucy. Lucy is nice and her house is nice and her family is nice, but I still really missed Britt Britt. Hopefully this year me and Britt Britt and Lucy will all be in the same class. Or at least I hope I can see Britt Britt a lot.
With love, Santana
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Dear Diary,
It's been one whole year since my parents got divorced. I'm nine years old now. I'm sorry I haven't written you a full letter in so long, but I hoped you liked the little notes I wrote for you. I've been doing good. Me and Mama are moving to a smaller house now because now it is just us. We are living in a place called Lima Heights Adjacent. It sounds scary, but I met out new neighbors and they seem really nice. Mama says that my dad still sends me money and gifts sometimes and she says that is the only thing that he was good for. I don't really get sad when I remember Papa. I'm just sad that I don't know why he left. Maybe it was my fault. If I was a better daughter, then maybe he wouldn't have fought with Mama. I also am only a little sad when I go see Britt Britt. Her dad is really funny and he makes really good food and he plays games with Britt Britt and Ashley and me. My dad didn't do any of that. Sometime I write Papa a letter and Mama says that she sends them, but I don't think she really does. Or maybe she does and Papa doesn't read them or write back to me. Actually, I think that is what happens. I love Mama and she would not lie to me.
School is still easy for me, but sometimes I have a hard time with math. Britt Britt is really good at math and she helps me. I help her with reading. She is really smart, but sometimes she mixes up words and that's okay. Third grade was fun because we did book reports and science experiments. Me and Britt Britt were in the same class, but Lucy was in the other one. Maybe we will all be in the same fourth grade class this year. When we were all hanging out together at Lucy's house, Lucy's sister Frannie said that fourth grade is a lot harder than third grade. I am only a little nervous, but Mama says that Lopezes never step down from a challenge. Frannie is going to be in eighth grade and she says that next year she wants to be in the Cheerios, which is the high school's cheerleading team. She says that the coach is mean and that she does not take a lot of freshmen for the team. Diary, I'll tell you a secret. Frannie told me that she thinks that I could be on the Cheerios because Cheerios have to be really skinny and Frannie said that I am really skinny. She says that Lucy is too fat to be on the Cheerios. I think Frannie might be right. If I stay really skinny, then maybe I can be on the Cheerios, and I know that cheerleaders are popular and everyone likes them. I want to be a Cheerio. I think Britt Britt would be a good Cheerio because she is skinny but she is so good at dancing. Britt Britt is the best dancer I've ever seen. She is so pretty when she dances, I could watch her all day.
With love, Santana
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Dear Diary,
Today is a very important day because today my best friend in the whole world turns 10 years old. So today I just want to tell you 10 of my favorite things about her. I even wrote a list for you.
Britt Britt is so pretty and really tall
Britt Britt is so funny
She is the best dancer in the world
She is really smart, especially at math
She is really nice to everyone, even the people that are mean to her
Britt Britt would do anything for me
She helps me with my math homework
She always says that I am like a part of her family
She says that she likes me more than her actual sister
I love her
Britt Britt is my best friend in the whole world and she will be my best friend forever. Even after we are both married and have our own families, I know that we will still be best friends. For her gift, I got me and Britt matching bracelets. Mama helped me pick them out and they have hearts on them. I'm also going to write her a letter, but that will be only for her to read, no one else. I want Brittany to be in my life forever. I know that is a really long time, but I want her to be my best friend until infinity.
With love, Santana
PS: For her birthday, Brittany got a cat. She named it Lord Tubbington. He is really little and Britt Britt likes him a lot. I don't really like cats, but I think I will like Lord Tubbington because Britt Britt likes him
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Dear Diary,
Fifth grade is the last year of elementary school and it is going by really fast. This year, me and Britt Britt are in the same class again but Lucy is not. Lucy seems to be sadder lately. I don't really see her that much anymore, especially because after I moved, she lives further away now. We still talk sometimes, but only in school. She did tell me that Frannie was one of the four freshmen that Coach Sylvester picked to be on the Cheerios. If I keep being skinny, maybe I can also be on the Cheerios as a freshman.
For Christmas this year Brittany's parents got her a video camera. She was really excited and she says she wants to start an internet talk show. She already has a name for it: Fondue for Two. Isn't that genius? She says that I'm allowed to be a guest on her show whenever I want. She says that the two of us will be famous one day and I like the sound of that.
Diary! I forgot to tell you that Britt Britt really liked the bracelet I gave her for her birthday. We wear our matching bracelets everyday so that everyone knows we are best friends. We even are going to make our own language so we can talk to each other without everyone else hearing. Britt Britt says that our language will be that we don't even have to open our mouths! We can just look at each other, and we will know what the other person is saying! Isn't that cool? Britt Britt is such a genius.
I have to also tell you that my teachers are saying that I am the best writer and speller they have ever had and I think it is because of all the letters and notes that I write to you. I haven't seen Miss Lacey in years, but I think she would ave been happy, too. Mama says that I have been really brave and I have been doing really good and she says that I can see Miss Lacey if I want to, but I don't think I need to talk to her. I know she is a therapist and that she was supposed to help me feel better if I was sad about my parents when they were fighting. I was not sad because I just tried really hard not to think about it and if I don't think about it, I can't be sad!
With love, Santana
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Dear Diary,
I'm 11 years old now and it feels kind of weird to think that I'm writing to a diary like a real person. No one else in my grade has a diary. Well, no one except Rachel. I mean, some people have journals, but it's still kind of weird to write to a journal like a real person. What if I just pretended you were a real person? That could be less weird. Then it's really like writing a letter, but I won't send these letters to anyone. Yeah, I'll do that. But who would I pretend to write to? Miss Lacey? No, I haven't seen her in years. Maybe Abuela? No, that still feels weird because I love her, but sometimes she says mean things to me. Oh, I know! I'll write to Brittany. "Dear Britt," yeah that feels right. Now I'll just have to keep straight what I say to real Britt Britt and what I say to journal Britt Britt. That shouldn't be too hard.
With love, Tana (Since you're the only one allowed to call me that)
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Dear Britt Britt,
I'm sad that we're not in the same homeroom this year, but it's okay because in sixth grade we change classes for all different subjects and I was so happy to see you in science and history and English class. I'm only a little sad that we're not in the same math class, but I'm happy for you because you're in the top math class and that's so awesome and I'm so proud of you for that.
I'm also sad that Lucy doesn't go to our school anymore. I thought that we were all going to be best friends forever. Maybe she'll go to our high school and we'll be friends together there. Wasn't it weird when we went to her house and her mom answered the door and then when we asked if Lucy was okay, she said that that's not her name anymore? Then when she came to the door she looked really different? I think she looked really pretty, but she was pretty before, too. Don't worry, B, I still think that you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. But Lucy changing her name is just something I'll have to get used to. I like her new name. Quinn fits her well.
With love, Tana
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Dear Britt,
Last night was so cool! I loved going to our first middle school dance, even though sixth graders are only allowed to go to the last one of the year. I just wanted to say you looked really pretty in your blue dress and I got so mad when Noah spilled punch all over it. You're lucky that happened at the end of the dance so that Jacob didn't get all sticky when he slow danced with you. Personally, I would not have minded if he got all sticky because that's how my insides felt when he danced with you. But I guess as your best friend, I don't think any man will ever be good enough for you. You deserve the whole world, Britt Britt, and you only deserve the person who can give it to you.
With love, Tana
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Dear Britt Britt,
Seventh grade is a little harder than other grades and a lot more boring. It's probably not as fun because you're not in like any of my classes, but don't worry, it's not your fault that we're both so smart and they can't put the smartest kids in the same class, or the other classes will feel bad. But I really wish you were in my science class today when Finn definitely put the wrong powder into the beaker and got green solution all over him and Noah. Or when in English class when the teach asked a question and Rachel said the totally wrong answer and then the teacher corrected her and then she pretended that the right answer was what she meant all along but everyone knew that Rachel was wrong. Or in math class when Mike was not paying attention and the teacher called on him but then he said the totally right answer and the teacher asked how he did it and Mike said it was because he was Asian and then the teacher almost yelled at him for being racist but then remembered that it was Mike. B, I really miss just having you around. When I'm with you, people say that I'm nicer, but I really just forget about everyone else because you're my best friend in the whole world.
Thankfully we're in the second semester of seventh grade, so maybe in eighth grade we'll be in all of our classes together. The second semester of seventh grade also means that we are more than halfway done with middle school. I know that I am excited for high school, but I'm also kind of nervous. What if you don't want to be friends with me anymore or we're not in any classes together or we don't both make the Cheerios? Would you still want to be friends with me, Britt? Because I know I'll always want to be friends with you.
With love, Tana
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Dear Britt Britt,
You're a good kisser. Sorry, that's a really strong way to start off a letter, but it's true. You're a really good kisser. I don't know why you were nervous for your first kiss, but I'm glad I suggested that we could practice with each other. The boys that get to kiss you are really lucky. Maybe we could practice kissing again a different time.
I know Abuela says that girls loving girls is wrong, but she didn't say anything about girls kissing other girls. It doesn't matter, I know what she would say anyway, that it's wrong, and that I should never do such a thing. But if it's so wrong, then how come it felt so right kissing you? Is that how is feels when I kiss a boy? But now that I kissed you, I don't really want to kiss a boy. I hope after all of that we still can be friends even though things are a little weird right now.
With love, Tan
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Dear Britt,
I like being at the top. I like being popular. I like telling people what to do. I kind of even like people being scared of me. I like eighth grade. It's a lot better than last year, especially because me and you are in a lot of classes together. But Britt, I'm kinda scared for next year because I'm afraid everything is going to change. Even if everything does change, I hope the one thing that stays the same is you.
With love, Tana
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Dear Britt Britt,
Congratulations to you and me (and the rest of our class I guess, but they don't matter as much). We are eighth grade graduates and that means so close to officially being high schoolers. That's so crazy to think about. I don't know if I want to worry about that just yet. I think we should enjoy our summer first. I really am looking forward to checking off all the things on your bucket list this summer, but I have some of my own ideas that I think you might like.
Film and edit some more Fondue for Two episodes (Our show is kind of popular and people are always asking for the next episode, plus it's really fun)
Kiss a boy (but not without practicing with you first)
Make the Cheerios summer camp list (and stay skinny like Frannie said)
Go to a real party (alcohol optional)
Spend a lot of time with you
It's going to be a good summer, B, I just know it.
With love, Tana
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Dear Britt,
I'm happy to say that summer was good. I just turned 14 and we made it through both your bucket list and mine. These couple weeks between my birthday and the beginning of school always feel like I'm just waiting for something to happen, but right now, I wish we could start in summer forever.
One. Fondue for Two is gaining substantial popularity. The YouTube channel is booming and the website is getting a lot of clicks. I'm proud of us, B. We did that all on our own. I really like being in front of a camera, and I especially like it when we're doing it together. We just get to sit and talk about all the stuff we like and people like watching us do that. Who are we to deny the people what they want?
Two. I did kiss a boy. It was Noah, or Puck now I guess. He says he wants to go by Puck because it sounds cooler and high school is all about being cool. But anyway, he's an okay kisser, no matter what name he goes by. Honestly, you're a much better one by far, but don't tell him. It was more than a peck, but I didn't make out with him. It felt weird but I don't know why.
Three. Not only did we both make the Cheerios summer camp cut, you and I are two of only three freshmen that Coach Sylvester chose to be on the team this year. I'm glad that Quinn is the third. I have a good feeling the you and me and her are going to be friends and we're going to make it to the top of the pyramid in more ways than one. I'm willing to do anything to stay on top, even if it means going on Coach's diet that involves me not eating solid foods. You saw how the other girls looked. If I have control over anything, it's how my body looks, and I choose to look the best.
Four. I'm not going to lie, parties are kind of overrated. It was too loud and there were way too many people, especially ones I don't like, and overall, kinda boring. I don't really see the appeal. I don't even remember the name of the person whose house it was at. It was the weekend after the Cheerios list was announced and one of the upperclassmen invited all the Cheerios and the football team to a party. You were there. You seemed to have a better time than I did, but that's because you are social and fun to be around. The only way you'd get me to more parties is if you were there.
Five. I think this is the point that I did best at. It was a good summer, Britt, mainly because the majority of it was spent with you. You're the best friend that anyone could ask for.
I won't lie to you. I'm scared for high school. I know I've said it before and I know there's nothing I can do to stop it, but I don't really want things to change too much. Trust me, there's a lot of shit that I've been through so far, but relatively, it's been easy. I feel like high school will be hard. Not the academic part, but the drama and the relationships and the popularity and the people and the planning for the future part and everything else. But I think I'll be okay if you are there with me the whole time.
With love, Tan
