The boys ran in silence towards the next phase of the exam. The atmosphere, and their hearts, heavy with defeat.
Killua was piggybacking James as he ran, while Gon held on to the man's sword. Their thoughts on their run-in with Hisoka...
Hisoka had carried a small radio during their run in, and the beeping of device had drawn him away from his violent performance. He even answered the radio at his leisure. The whole time appearing as though the threat of a Zoldyck did not exist. It was such a casual gesture of indifference to how strong Killua was that it echoed in the boy's head. Incessant.
All that power, strength, speed and training. All of it stopped by fear of the madman. Yet, they were alive by the whim of said madman.
For Gon, it was the fact nothing in his power could have saved his friends from a madman. Yet, they were alive by the whim of said madman.
If Hisoka wanted to, he could have killed all three of them without issue. Casually.
Like a man snapping a chicken's neck.
Gon had nearly died to a Foxbear in his youth. He was saved by a man named Kite. He even learned about his father. But no one would have saved them had Hisoka chose to end them on that field. No happy endings.
Killua had never been in a situation that he didn't think he could survive. His training and upbringing had made him supremely confident and capable against anything he came across. And his training had sabotaged him. Worse, he didn't know why. He thought it was his mind...
And, in a sense, it was his mind. For the talented skip across the that others fell into constantly. The average person needs to learn to overcome obstacles, to climb out of holes. Even at a young age: one does fall when they learn how to walk. But Killua mastered walking as soon as he tried it.
By the age of eleven, Gon had become the defacto King of the Forest. He had fished the King of the Swamp. He had the senses, strength, speed, and stamina of wild animal. He could even speak to them, to a limited degree…
What were obstacles to the proverbial children that could fly?
Why would one fear death if they never experienced it before? Or become numb to it…
Why would one consider danger if they escaped it? Or become expectant fortune would favor them…
Even when dealing with the god-like powers of his little sister, Killua had been in control. Always fine.
Even when facing the Foxbear, it had all ended ok for Gon. When faced with an impossible quiz, luck chose him again. Always fine.
Never helpless. Neither of them, truly.
This was their first taste either of them had of feeling defenseless, powerless, helpless. In their entire lives.
Strangely, this was the first time the precocious children had ever experienced that in their life. To feel small. Something every normal child experienced...
They were aware they were different. It was always in the back of their minds. Gon was capable of physical feats beyond the average man, let alone someone his age. He was unknowingly the son of one of the greatest Hunters and Nen users on the planet. Killua was a prodigy, the most talented in his family's history, who had trained since birth to be the heir to the greatest assassin family in the world. They both unconsciously and consciously, respectively, responded to the world differently than children their ages would.
Then mere mortals would.
They were children of power. Modern (for this world) demigods. The sons of virtual Gods among men. But they had no comprehension of this. A person needed some average, some baseline to understand the exceptional. Average in this world were all the people that ran several dozen kilometers and died to living breathing dinosaurs. Gon and Killua were both exceptions to all things, in a world that accepted all possibilities.
Gon and Killua didn't need protection. They didn't need to be led by the hand. To them, the entire world was their playground. The only limitation was their imagination. Who needs wishes when one can acheive anything?
But now, now they realized the one thing all children learn. That all normal humans internalize. All mere mortals know.
Perspective. Limitations. Mortal danger.
There were bigger fish in the sea. And they did not care what you were. Be you a majestic Marlin or a tiny Tilapia. They will devour you all the same. The boys did not know the kinds of sea monsters that lurked underneath the waterline. Especially in this world.
It was the worst lesson of all to learn, one that seems obvious until life hits you in the face. When the world screeches to a grinding halt and your world was shattered: You may not protect the people you care for.
And, to the most unfortunate, you'll see the people you care for taken away.
And there may be absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. All you can do is watch.
It was a bitter lesson, but one that at least did not end in tragedy. They did not know it now, but it was there first steps toward change. Understood by a white-haired boy. Eventually explained to a black-haired boy. Taught by a red-headed murderer. And facilitated by a beet haired colored man who had the misfortune to master these lessons. He also had a very good grasp of not knowing what he was doing, yet pulling it off successfully, and affecting the world around him..
Some would call this preternatural intuition and perception, a keen intelligence, decisiveness, a willingness to take risks; and the exercising of all of those five traits in equal measure.
In James' own self-deprecating words, 'Sheer stupidity and dumb luck.'
As the two boys followed Gon's inhuman sense of smell to the next phase, Gon broke the oppressive and solemn silence.
"Hey, Killua. Are you ok?"
Killua looked to Gon on his left. They were filled with doubt and little self-esteem. He wanted to say no.
"Yeah. I'm fine," Killua said before looking forward again.
Gon looked to Killua for a second before nodding. He knew Killua wasn't.
"It's ok to be scared. I felt like running too when I felt that weird sensation from Hisoka and James..."
Gon conveniently held back the fact he was also somehow excited when he faced Hisoka. That wouldn't help or calm down Killua.
Killua turned to Gon. Barely contained anger in his eyes for a split second, which turned inward as his face returned to normal. Killua frowned.
"Yeah, but you didn't. I just stood there, too scared to move or help."
"Maybe, but you didn't run either," Gon answered.
Killua looked at Gon with surprise. Slowly, Killua looked forward as he realized the simple truth that Gon made blindly apparent. He looked down and smiled, shaking his head.
"You're definitely too weird, Gon."
"Why's that?" Gon said with a small frown.
"Well, for one, we're tracking Leorio's scent using your nose. And you're really too honest and straightforward."
Gon laughed quickly before speaking," Well, I've always had a good sense of smell. Aunt Mito said it was like I was born part bloodhound. And Leorio's cologne is really distinct. It smells like deer musk mixed with some plants from back home," Gon said with another sniff of the air as he tracked Leorio's scent.
'No kidding. His Aunt is definitely on to something.' Killua thought as he stared at Gon, sweat practically rolling down the Zoldyck's head from disbelief at the sight in front of him. The tension and defeat in the air were slowly disappearing.
"Hey, Killua, what do you think Hisoka was talking about when he said that we both passed?" Gon said, continuing to stare forward as he ran.
Killua shrugged, "Isn't it obvious? He decided he wanted to play Examiner and started judging people. If I had to guess, he was evaluating people based on their ability to survive and their potential."
"Ok, I can understand survive, but why potential?"
Killua masterfully hid his disgust and unease from his face, but not his eyes.
"It's because he finds joy in killing strong people. And the three of us are worthy in his eyes to keep growing stronger."
Though Killua had been reluctanct before about killing, he was beginning to understand James' disgust toward killing. Hisoka didn't care. Killua's grandfather did. His Grandfather never killed or even hurt an innocent in his entire assassin career. Well, an innocent he wasn't being paid to kill. It was a point of pride for his Grandfather, Zeno.
He had met many killers, but none like Hisoka. None with the combination of power and indifference. He would not care who he killed and would forget it as quickly as a passing thought. Worst, when he cared, it was for far more terrifying reasons. At least Killua knew what he was doing was wrong. Unfortunately, Hisoka did too...
He just didn't care. He enjoyed it all too much.
"How can you tell?"
"I can just tell," Killua said, curtly. He wasn't sure he wanted to explain to Gon he was an assassin yet. He had only told James since the man was relentless and truly didn't care if Killua was an assassin, an alien, or 'a white-haired Augustus Gloop'. Killua didn't know who that person was, but he knew it was an insult.
They ran in awkward silence for a moment before Killua sighed.
"... I'll tell you later, not right now. I can hear the other applicants up ahead."
"Wow! You sure have good hearing! I can't hear anything! Hey, if I'm part bloodhound, maybe you're part bat! Or rabbit!" Gon said with a laugh and a grin.
"Don't start comparing me to bats or rabbits!" Killua said, his facade slowly being chipped bit by bit.
In the moving shadows and churning darkness of the mind, James saw himself from a third-person view. He wore a black and bloodied parka that held gashes all over it, but the most significant was the cut on his chest. It was down to the bone.
The man was lying on a black floor as the world was slowly colored in. Like an artist sketching, the black world slowly became white as a snowy environment filled in the void. Large white trees, so massive they were akin to marble pillars from the Gods, decorated the memory. Snow poured.
Large apes with vicious red eyes appeared from shrouds of snow. They formed behind the flowing and shifting snow, appearing from thin air.
There were four large apes. And several dozen in the trees. All James could do from his floating disembodied position, far above the scene, was stare at what was occurring. His body a meal for the apes.
Yet, this was only a memory. This was in the past.
So why was he seeing things in third person?
A purple aura formed around James' body as he began to move. First his arms, then his legs. Glacier-like, he stood to full height. The apes cheered on their plaything. James' incorporeal form could only stare in impotent rage.
His body stared in rage at the apes. Then his body spoke.
But not with his voice.
"Yahaha! It's been a while since I've had a human body. I was gettin' tired o' Modal Soul takin' you apes."
The Belban apes' eyes widened as they remembered that voice. The white, monstrous apes' boogie man. The same way children remember the sound of horror movie monsters.
"Hehehe, I'll be takin' 'dis here body. It's young and strong," Panza said as he moved James' right arm and flexed, a purple aura flowing from James' body. He flinched in pain.
"Oh? Seems 'dis 'feller done more damage to himself than I thought."
The Panza possessed James stared up into the sky and waved. To the apes, he seemed insane. To James, he was staring right at him.
"Hey 'feller, sorry 'bout 'dis, but 'dis here my body now."
"The fuck it is."
Quixote Panza felt his control slip for a second as he felt the man's will fight him. But Panza had been alive since they started making planes, or his Hatsu spirit at the very least.
Now he would have a purpose again, a new body. It was a gamble, and he had waited ten years, but fin-
Another wave of will hit Panza, this time far stronger than before.
Panza James looked on in confusion and annoyance at the man in the sky. A person possessed by Modal Soul needed to be angry or unconscious, but once done, the person's consciousness floated in the ether. After seven minutes the person's mind would slowly fade away, their consciousness and memories repressed into their minds. The perfect ability for someone like Panza who envied everyone and everything's body.
But until the effect took hold, Panza knew this man would not give up.
Disembodied James stared down at his physical form and spoke with strength.
"I don't know what's happening right now, but I have some control. This is my body. And you're in my mind. Let me show you my nightmares."
Panza James' eyes widened as indistinct memories danced before his eyes. As though fast forward on a video. Emotions and experiences assaulted the old man. Terrible emotions and experiences...
'How did he figure out Modal Soul's weakness?!'
Tears began flowing down his face. Pain. And uncontrollable rage.
...
A child around Gon's age stared at his emaciated father on the hospital bed. He was so big before. Now he was a stickman. His mother cried.
...
A beautiful woman stood in front of a mirror, preparing herself.
"Mommy has company coming over, so I need you to play outside."
"Mommy, it's too col-"
She turned around pinched his ear with her long nails, hard, "Listen to mommy when I tell you what to do. GO OUTSIDE."
So he did. He stayed on the porch for twelve hours. The child too scared to leave into the projects, but too scared of his mother.
So he waited. And wished.
...
The other boys kicked him. Black, white, brown. All colors, all ethnicities. It didn't matter. Envy was envy.
He tried to fight back when they tried to take his toy. But there were too many.
He cried, wishing he was back in his old neighborhood.
He cried, wishing he had his old life back.
"Stop it you guys, jeez," a black kid said as he pushed off the other boys.
"He was being an asshole. Thought he was better than us because he got a Power Ranger for Christmas. Gimme that shit," the older boy said as he took the toy and snapped it in half. The group walked away.
"No I didn't..." he sniffed.
Jacob just shook his head and lifted James up.
"What's your name? My name's Jacob. Well, my friends call me Jay."
...
"You sure this is the right thing to do?" the teenage Jacob said as he kicked his legs while sitting on the broken, brick wall, outside of James' home old home.
"Fuck this school. Fuck an orphanage. Fuck everyone. I'll get my GED. I'll take a million practice tests if I have too. I dunno. I'll think of something," James said as he packed his last belongs into Jacobs' car. His mom had disappeared six months ago and the money he made at his part-time job wasn't enough to afford the rent. He was lost. No direction. He didn't know what to do at sixteen. He only knew one thing.
He needed to survive. He needed money.
...
The two friends ran, the older black teen and the younger white one. They took the wrong corner. Into a dead-end alley. Jacob pushed James into a trash can, told him to stay quiet, and closed the lid.
"Where's the white boy, Jacob. I ain't got time for this shit. I want my money."
"He paid you the money he owed! You put interest on his ass, man! You ain't have to do that man, he's a good dealer!"
"Yeah... yeah, you right. I don't give a fuck about the money. I don't care. I just don't like that skinny white boy. He thinks he's better than us. Always smiling and shit. Creepy little faggot. You too, faggy-ass nigga. Jay and Jay. Bunch of faggots in my 'hood. I don't care for that shit."
"Jay ain't like that, he's just quiet! He's good for the money! Come on! Ain't no need for this man, yo, yo, chill. Chill! CHILL!"
"Ain't got shit in yo' fuckin' wallet, huh? I never liked you either, Jay. All positive and shit. Fuck off, fruity-ass nigga, this ain't fuckin' Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. You ain't fixin' shit, nigga. This my block, you hear?!"
Before James could open the lid, Jacob pressed down on the lid and spoke.
"Shoot me, bitch-ass motherfucker, but Jay's square with yo-"
The sound of the body dropping was all that James heard, the echo of the gunshot bouncing through the alley.
The man chuckled.
"Shiiit, I'll take that deal. I don't even give a fuck about the money. You hear that, white boy?"
...
James was the only one at Jacob's funeral. He had no family. His friends didn't care.
But James was there. He was there for his best friend and brother. He cared.
It was sunny. Like Jacob.
...
Memories flooded Panza. Over and over. An endless torrent that flowed through him as he viewed a man in full. All angles, all dimensions, all dreams, all hopes, all fears. All rage.
The horrors of a mundane world. A hopeless world. A pointless world.
A world where the mundane made magnificence. A world where countless people refuse to give in. A world where the point was to get up when you were knocked down.
Plain old Earth. No excuses. No magic. Nothing fancy.
James had a fundamental understanding of the basics of life.
And the will to survive.
"You think I'm gonna' let you take me over?! It ain't happening, motherfucker. The world has taken so much from me. I've endured everything the world has thrown at me and survived. You think I'm gonna' let you take my fucking body?! Get the fuck out of here!"
Panza felt it. Not hope. Not the power of friendship. Not even pure will.
Absolute rage from the soul of a man who endured the ignored horrors of the streets. Who engaged in the world's unfairness and refused to accept it. Who said no and asked for a better deal.
This was the rage that fueled James. That fueled many people. The unbridled will of the common person when pressured into a diamond. He was not unique in his suffering. He was one of millions in his country. And one of billions in his world. A world that did it's best to stunt and snuff out the potential of those who were not the chosen few. A chosen few who's criteria were as random as picking a name out of a hat.
And for someone like James, blessed with so much raw intelligence that he could comprehend the numbers and logistics of the unfairness. Yet so little formal education as to struggle to come to terms to it. It always came out the same way.
Rage.
Where others would accept the unfairness of the world and move on, James refused. His soul would never accept, and now his mind would never either.
If there was no fairness, he would make it fair.
If there was no point, he would give his own a point.
And if there was no hope, he would just make some himself.
And this old man could not hope to stop him.
Rage and will swallowed Panza whole. The glimpse of the man's mind was too much, as the metaphorical sound of a high-speed engine blared between the two. The purple aura of Panza pulled away from James' body, who was bathed in green. Panza's face appeared in the purple Aura, a ghost being torn away from a body. He had jumped to so many things after his death, but this was the first time he had found a human. He had just picked the wrong human.
James did not know Modal Soul's weakness. It was that James' inner rage surpassed anything Panza could approach.
It was a furnace from hell. And it was vaporizing Panza from the inside out.
Even with the power of Post-Mortem Nen that allowed him to permanently steal bodies, Panza would not survive without a host. But he would not survive at any rate...
And all the apes in the area were too scared for him to possess...
"I-I'll die! I've been searchin' 'fer a body for so long! Not another stinkin' ape!" Panza screamed in pain.
"Why?"
The question penetrated Panza so hard he didn't realize he was no longer being torn and burned from James' body. The old man had been asked before why he hunted the apes and it was obvious why he didn't want to die. But that wasn't the question James asked.
It's over. Why continue a quest you need not take? Why choose to stay unhappy?
Why not be free?
Not even Mayer asked him that... all those years ago. Mayer had tried to convince the old man in a thousand different ways to abandon his revenge. Those weeks with Mayer were annoying... but he secretly enjoyed teaching. He thought, one day, maybe he would do that after he killed the King of the Mountain. But that day never came, and rage continued unabated until he died. Never understanding his crippled form was not his limitation, but his mind was. Staring at the James' fury, who deserved his revenge, yet never fulfilled...
Panza began to cry when he realized he wasted fifty years of his life.
James could only stare on, feeling pity. He could feel the old man's emotions. He stared at the apes. He did not care for them. He hated them. He commanded Panza as a god would.
"Kill them all. But you can't have my body."
James looked down on his crying form as his own physical body looked up at him, Panza's purple aura in his eyes. The man nodded. He knew he couldn't escape from Mayer, even if he tried all his life. And he wouldn't escape the guilt if he stole this man's body.
James took one last look at the ape he named Caesar, specifically his hands. His fingers were straight as a blade, his sharp nails pressed together like an organic dagger. The ape would have plunged its fingers into whatever soft part of James the moment the man had dropped his guard. All James could feel was bitterness and disappointment.
As James' consciousness faded away, he heard the strange accented man speak.
"Thank you. I'll pay ya' back, kid! 'Fer this! 'Fer one last rodeo! I'll take good care of 'dis here body, and I'll make sure ya' gets' some food in 'yer belly. I'll wake ya' up and teach ya' some stuff! If, uh, that's what ya' want."
"Whatever, as long as you give me back my body. I'm tired anyways..."
Panza stared up at the fading form that only he could see with his Hatsu. He felt pity for that boy... he was tired. On so many levels... Panza would make sure he'd take care of the kid.
Besides, his Aura nodes would almost be opened now. He'll teach him Nen if he could. If Panza's spirit lasted long enough and God permitted.
Panza Quixote smiled as purple Aura flowed off of James'. James' seemingly perpetually narrowed eyes and Panza's forced maniac grin of the man's lips gave Panza James the appearance of a demonic, human-shaped monster.
Panza had learned the folly of revenge. Yet it didn't matter. This was the end. Revenge always has a life of its own. It doesn't care about the cause; it cares about itself. It will destroy the person just to see itself fulfilled. Just as it had destroyed Panza.
At least he would go out with a bang.
"I gets' ta' kill ya' damn dirty apes! In a human body. Not in one of yer' mangey hides. As a human. One. Last. Time."
I woke up like a jolt of lightning hit me, my past doing its best to come back and fight me. I punched the air in front of me as I leaned forward from my position against a tree... It took me a moment to realize I was back in the present.
It also took me a moment to realize I had smacked the sleeping form of Leorio next to me in the face. With my elbow.
Leorio's bleary and swollen face greeted me as he turned to his right to roar at me, "Wah, grah! Hey... hey! What the hell!?" he said as he fell over.
I looked at him like the sleep drunk fool I was, then turned my head to my right and tried to fall asleep. Annoying nightmares. I hate it when that happens. I'll wake up in ten minutes, class doesn't start unt-
We both shot up as we realized where we were.
"I'm in the exam!" we both screamed out in unison as we turned to each other. Then we narrowed our eyes.
"I remember now, you hit me in the face! With your sword!" Leorio said as he pressed his index finger into my face, narrowed his eyes even further, then pushed his finger into my cheek.
"Yeah, I remember how much of a pain in the ass you are. I saved your fucking life, ya' know that? You're one old, ugly teenager by the way," I said, mimicking his very same movements as I pressed my finger to his right cheek.
I admit, that last comment was unnecessary.
"How about we settle things then, old man? I'll take your weird hair and use it as a rag," Leorio said, slowly raising his voice. The kid had balls, I'll give him that.
'That's a pretty good insult for a youngin' who's likely on the rag," I said, doing the same with my voice.
"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"
"YEAH, I BET YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!"
We heard a coughing sound as we turned our heads to our right. Killua, Gon, and Kurapika staring at us with annoyed faces.
Leorio raised an eye brow as he spoke, "Where are we, anyways?"
I scratched my head, "Yeah? What phase is this?"
"You ask that now? After you start an argument?! What the hell is wrong with you two?!" Kilua said with a point of his finger and a vein on his head.
"I just woke up! I'm cranky! And I didn't start an argument! He did!"
"You hit me in the face!"
"It was an accident! I was shadowboxing the demons away!"
"Stop arguing! You're seriously a pain, ya know that?!" Killua said with a shake of of his fist.
Gon nodded his head, "Yeah, you two need to stop fighting!"
"How do you two have so much energy after getting knocked out?" Killua said with a pointed glare.
We both shrugged. Then I started giggling and nudged Leorio with my elbow. I pointed at the two.
"Hey, they had to carry us! We didn't have to run through that hell!"
"Oh yeah! Guess it wasn't all bad…"
Kurapika made a noise to grab our attention before Gon and Killua killed us. The four of us turned around to the only adult among us, mentally. He sighed as he looked at us like a kindergarten teacher speaking to misbehaving children. I narrowed my eyes at the Kurapika. He had one hell of a poker face, but I could tell from his eyes he understood we'll deal with what happened later.
"The next phase is starting," Kurapika said with a simple point of his finger to his left side. We turned our heads to look at an enormous castle-like wall nearby. Satotz had finished saying his goodbye as he walked down the path and past us. We had heard absolutely none of his speech. We were attentive like that.
Brown, metal gate tens of meters high blocked the entrance to through the wall. Two pointy-castle thingys that I have no idea what they're called were next to the gates. Towers? Nipples? I don't know shit about medieval... castlery? I truly don't give a shit.
All that mattered was that massive gates slid to the side and revealed the world of Narnia! My breath was caught my throat by the sight! Oh heavens to Betsy! Why would this be here of all things?! Magic! Look at all the snow! Its the goat dude!
Nope.
Just a giant-ass courtyard filled with blocky kitchens like Top Chef. Or Iron Chef, the best cooking show. All versions. There were rotisseries next to each one of the kitchens. Behind everything was a giant mansion. You know, in the middle of a giant, deadly forest? Way more normal than Narnia...
I sighed. These shenanigans are what it took to be a Hunter? It felt like I had no time to think at all. It was just one thing after another. I think only five or six hours had passed. This shit is bananas. I can't even get a second to breathe.
The two Examiners in the distance called us forward, but they were dots in the distance from how far they were. I couldn't hear or make out shit from the back of the crowd.
I bet dollars to donuts we were cooking. That was obvious, but we haven't even got to hunt, not even, like, once! We were hunted! By animals! Does that count?!
I shook my head in exasperation. Then I smiled. Honestly, I rather deal with the ridiculousness that was about to occur than think on my past, memories, or the back to back double-feature ass-kickings I've received...
All my memories were being rewritten in my head, or that's how it felt. It was some Shutter Island shit. Especially disturbing was seeing myself in first-person... talking to myself, acting half schizo and half split-personality...-y. I was basically Gollum in that cave tunnel of Panza's. He didn't have to shove scalding soup down my throat, ragafragin' dick.
We five walked into the courtyard side by side. Gon was in the center while Killua was to his left. Killua was on my right while Leorio was on the other side of Gon, followed by Kurapika. I turned to Kurapika, who was focused on the scene in front of us. So far, he hadn't glared laser beams at me. In fact, he was trying hard not to look at me. The same way someone who knew they did something wrong to someone would. This may be a bit presumptuous of me, but he may feel guilty.
Killua poked my hip with his elbow to draw his attention to him. He wanted to whisper something, but I was too tall. All the levity (levity for me, at least) from before disappeared as the two of us walked forward. He moved his hands in obvious hand-sign symbols. But I can't r- wait, what? I suddenly could, but the back of my right hand hurt. I wanted to take off my glove and look, but I couldn't show that symbol to anyone. Not right now. Even if everyone knew by now my identity as a Tao Long. What if it was glowing or some shit?
I shook my head. I played off my surprise as if I didn't know sign language, even if I suddenly did. Or at the very least, I implicitly understood it. I wanted to go Fred Flintstone and scream Zhulong's name.
Killua sighed, but raised an eyebrow when I lifted my hand and tapped the air like I was using a telegraph. He looked at me like I was a weirdo, but nodded. I shifted my sword to my left hand and gave him one end of it to hold on to as he walked next to me. He began tapping, fast. Machine fast. It was slightly different from the English Morse code I knew, and the fact his dashes were two rapid hits together, but I could parse it well enough.
'You know morse code?'
'I genus.'
Not really. I am smart, but that has nothing to do with me having learned Morse Code. I learned it for my Cybersecurity class. It was an extra credit assignment asking for real-life examples of encoding and cryptography outside of computers. You would be surprised what technically counts, hehe.
Let me tell you though, intelligence is not a cheat code to life. Especially when all you have is stress growing up. It's like you're trapped in your mind and forced to think about it over and ov...
I sighed. I wasn't supposed to dwell on my thoughts. I have to stay positive.
I turned down to see Killua looking up at me like I was anything but a genius. That's better.
I shrugged. My fingers aren't as fast as his! His reflexes and speed were stupidly fast. I gave him a 'fuck off' via facial telepathy. He rolled his eyes.
'Most of your injuries arent from Hisoka. What happened with Kurapika and Leorio?'
Alright. Well, fuck this. It would take hours to communicate that at my finger speed. Besides, I don't want to him get upset. I took my sword away and just mouthed, 'Later, not now. Don't worry."
He frowned but nodded.
What's the whole point of secret communication if I can't communicate it fast and effectively? Besides, I think me and Kurapika wer-
I breathed in and out. Killua looked at me, confused.
Kurapika and I were allies for now. Like the Soviet Union and everyone else during World War 2. I'm everyone else because this is my mind.
As for what happens next, hopefully, I can talk him out of whatever he intends. I know what it's like to lose people... and I can't imagine losing a whole clan of people. But neither Evira nor the Phantom Troupe are to be fucked with. I only know the barest minimum of the Phantom Troupe, and I don't want to think about them. That their initials (P.T.) were the same as Hideo Kojima's horror game was probably a coincidence, yet it's very telling.
We finally reached the stairs of the mansion to see-
I blinked.
I blinked again, hoping I wasn't suffering from a concussion-based hallucination.
I blinked several times to get rid of the woman in front of me.
She looked exactly like Briannaisa. Except for green-colored eyes similar to my own with blue, teal, electric blue?! What is that color... turquoise! There we go. Turquoise colored hair.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Well, she wasn't in a maid uniform, but yeah... She wore a practically invisible mesh shirt, a black bikini, denim shorts that were practically panties. High heels that went up to her knees with pink bows in a column in front of her heel straps. She also had a bandana or something tied along the front of her head. It disappeared into her hair and made her bangs stick out. She also had five top knots as long as a single-handed sword handle. All tied with pink ribbons or rope or something. She was sitting in a giant sofa chair in on top of a large set of stairs that led up to the mansion in front of us.
Behind her was the biggest fucking guy I've now ever seen. He beat Mayer by a foot in every category. He was fucking huge. He was gigantic sitting down. The guy was in a yellow, long-sleeved shirt. Short, black hair and enormous jowls with an equally large head. Green pants and no shoes on. He had a goofy grin on his face. But he was strong. Both of them were. At least as strong, if not stronger, than Briannaisa. The turquoise haired woman was in shape, and the other guy was built like the biggest Sumo wrestler ever, and more like E. Honda than chunky. I mean, his hands, feet, and head were bigger than the woman's torso. I would not want to get hit by that behemoth.
All I could think were three things:
First: She. Looked. Exactly. Like. Briannaisa. Doppelgangeresque.
Second: Her head looked like a ship wheel without the circle running around the handles. This was a fact.
Three: We really are cooking...
I just stared in awe at the two, from sheer dumb awe at the two and my situation. I-I trained three months to cook food? This would really be a phase of the exam? A-a-are you serious? I was aware, but being confirmed was different. Like I had denied the ridiculousness of the situation, subconsciously or waking out of a mental fog of war.
That high pitched 'eeeeeeeee' sound was playing through my head.
Their mouths moved, but nothing. Nope. Nothing was getting through my head.
I heard snapping fingers before a hand passed in front of my face.
"Huh, what!?" I turned left and right, breaking out of my stupor.
I saw the four of them staring at me. Killua had an understanding face, but it was like, a backhanded face? Like watching someone you knew would go insane finally snapped and all you can say is, "Whelp, I knew Jimmy would lose his mind one day..."
It was Leorio who had waved his hand and spoke, "You ok? It looks like you've seen a ghost."
"Big! Her! COOKING?!" was my adequately supplied response as I pointed both my hands at the two and then waved to the surrounding kitchens.
Leorio looked at me flatly.
"He is really big. I've never seen anyone that big either. And she is a cutie," Leorio said with a flare of his nostrils. Now I felt like Killua as I raised an eyebrow in response.
"Oh come on, aren't you a hot-blooded man! Look at her chest, eh hehehe," he said with a creepy wiggle of his fingers.
I turned down to Killua with a literal 'what the fuck face'. He just shrugged. I turned back to Leorio.
"Look, she is super hot, but you can't think with that head," I pointed down to his crotch, "ya' got to think with this head," I tapped my skull.
Leorio narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, "I appreciate the advice, but I'm just looking at the obvious," he raised his hands to his chest, "if you get my mea-"
I nodded my head dramatically, "Yup, stop right there, I got it completely. You didn't even havta' do the hand thing. In fact, you had me at the 'l'," I said, finishing with a sigh and a shake of my head, both hands on my hips. To be young and stupid. Or younger and stupider than me, at least.
I pointed to the kitchens all around us, "Aren't you the least bit concerned the next phase of the exam is cooking?!"
Leorio shrugged.
"Can't be that hard?"
"You've never cooked for customers, have you?" I said, one of my eyes narrowing at him.
I looked around to the four of them. Kurapika was paying attention to the Examiners while the rest of us looked at each other. They shrugged.
I rubbed my face.
The next phase of the exam was to cook for the Examiners. That was obvious. They wanted pork. Therefore, we hunt for porky pig.
As stupid as this phase is, honestly, I'm fine with it. Like that dog sitting in chair in a house fire.
One thing I will say, I felt bad when everyone laughed at the two for saying they were Gourmet Hunters, especially when their faces were filled with happiness and pride when announcing it. It never feels good to be laughed at for what you believe in. To be dismissed. For a split second, there was sadness in Menchi's eyes when the candidates laughed at her before she frowned and became angry. That was not good. She was around Leorio's age, and I'd feel like burning down the world if a whole crowd of people laughed at my existence and profession.
I sighed. Nothing wrong with being a Gourmet Hunter. Claudette was one. I used to be a cook for a restaurant. When it got busy, that shit was no joke. I can't imagine a super-powered Gordon Ramsay.
Right now I was tracking faded hog footprints while Gon was using his eyes and nose to do the same. Kurapika was making sure no one was following us while we hunted, while Killua did it secretly. Leorio was... I dunno looking pretty? He didn't need to do anything; it wasn't a hard hunt. Pig footprints are hooved, but rounded compared to deer. And I had experience tracking wild hog. Maneater Hogs in Mayer's forest were omnivores, like all pigs, they just loved meat. Buffalo, deer, and any animal. And the only other pork in this area was the Great Stamp, which was basically the same thing. But bigger, had a fat nose, and was bulletproof. And could go from zero to forty in, like, nothing flat.
Sooey. Here piggy, piggy.
"We gotta' catch a pig and cook it, huh? Man, this is way easier than the first phase," Leorio said as we walked around the direction of the pig trail.
"I just hope it's that simple," Kurapika said, his eyes scanning the trees.
"Thank god they wanted to make something like pork instead of, I dunno, sushi. We'd be screwed if that happened," I said as I kept my vision on the floor, my eyes on the tracks, a bush behind me sweeping the ground. I had to wipe the tracks behind me with a branch so no one could follow us.
"Why is that?" Kurapika asked back, in a normal voice. Not a tight, clipped 'fuck you in particular, James' tone of voice. I wanted to clap and give him a thumbs up. Good, we're moving to cordial human interactions. Niiice.
"Well, do you guys know how to make sushi? I tried and I couldn't even get the rice to stick."
"I don't even know what sushi is," Leorio said, honestly. Kurapika nodded, while Killua didn't care.
Suddenly Gon jumped down a hill, then Killua, then Leorio, then Kurapika. I did not. Lemmings. All of them.
I just stood there as they all went down that mother-fucking hill like a ball pit slide. Killua went from, 'yaaaaaay' to screaming when he saw Gon had stopped and collided into the green kid. Oh look, he's yelling at Gon. I truly believe friendship begins when you can talk shit to each other, but I'm weird as shit, so...
Alas, I would love to slide down this here hill, but...
Nope! Fuck that. The pigs were right there. Not even five meters away from them.
"Hey, don't move," I said loudly, waving my sword in my left hand and my branch in my right like an aircraft marshall, "they can't see you if you don't move." I was obviously joking.
"Really?!" Leorio yelled.
Apparently not as obvious as I thought. Or Jurassic Park doesn't exist in this world. My face was incredulous as I looked down at the four of them, ass to butt like a bobsled team as they just stared at dangerous pigs that love meat.
I'm not even from this world. I'm somehow more prepared than these natives.
"No, you idiots! Aim for their foreheads or run!" I yelled, emphasizing my entire sentence.
Killua and Kurapika were quick on the uptake as they sprung into action. Killua was unnecessarily cool looking as he used his skateboard to dive-bomb onto a nearby pig's forehead. Kurapika gave his pig The People's Elbow with his wooden swords.
Gon was a spring-loaded pinball as he flew forward at a Great Stamp and jumped over its ridiculously fast and sudden charge. He twisted in midair and smashed its weak spot with his fishing rod.
Leorio was running around in circles like a chicken with its head cut off. Flailing his arms as a Great Stamp chased it.
"No! Nooooo! Damnit Leorio! Fuckin'... make it charge into something Leorio! Stop running around! Yes!"
I threw my hands up in triumph as Leorio managed to lure one pig into smashing into a tree. With the Great Stamp disoriented, Leorio jumped on the creature and smashed it on the forehead with a punch. The creature's porcelain weak forehead bone shattered, and it was dead in an instant. I smiled and punched the air with my left.
Lowering my sword to the ground and pulling my left-side knife out from underneath my suit jacket and aimed at one pig. The pigs were about a hundred meters away...
And I realized it was too far, so I put my knife back. I'm not fucking Bullseye, Jesus. Why'd I'd even think I could do that?
I sighed and slid down the hill, "Get me one of the pigs..."
"Get it yourself!"
Fuck you Killua.
Fifteen minutes later and we were the first to arrive back at the Mansion. We found the pigs first, and no one was around to see us do it, so the rest of the applicants were struggling to fight the pigs. Once one those comedians... I mean candidates, figured out how to kill the damn pigs, like a bunch of copying monkeys, they'd all do it.
But still, that's what they fucking get for not preparing for an Exam. The Great Stamp was only located here, so if they didn't read up they're just going to think they're regular pigs instead of miniature tanks. They can waste their time thinking they're going to fight wild hogs. They'll go 'Sooey' really fucking quick when half of them get run over.
And at least I said, 'Here piggy, piggy' in my head. That ninja actually said that out loud.
Whatever, I can pat myself on my back later. We had, what, a thirty-minute head start over some of the candidates? Maybe number 384 or 53 will figure it out in half or a quarter of that time. Regardless of the head start, it was still a race against time. As much as I fuck around, I'm well aware of what we need to do.
We need to COOK.
I was feeling hysterical and maniac as we arrived at back at the testing area. This was ridiculous. I gonna' win.
One of the few specialties I have in my damn life! AHAHAHA! FUCK THIS MAGICAL WORLD! FUCK! THIS! SHIT! VICTORY IS MINE!
And I got a plan...
Alright. Alright. Alright.
"Why are you nodding your head like that?" Killua asked with an eyebrow quirked at me. Our pigs dropped in a pile near one of the outdoor kitchens closest to the Examiners.
"Why are you so noisy, brat? Can't y-, hey, stop trying to kick my shins!" I said with hop three feet in the air and two feet away from Killua.
"I'm starting to regret promising to help you!" Killua said with a frown.
"Well, I'm not. Id-iot," I said, copying the way he occasionally singsonged the word, "Cause I'm gonna' show YOU ALL SOMETHING ONLY I HAVE!" I finished at the top of my lungs while stabbing the floor with my pointer finger with every word.
I placed my sword against a kitchen and took off my backpack.
Then I started taking off my upper body clothing.
All six of the people around me looked at me with bewildered eyes. Killua looked at me with embarrassment, Gon with dots, Leorio and Kurapika looked on at me with mouths wide open in confusion.
I turned to Menchi and Buhara. Menchi stared at me with annoyed eyes. Buhara just looked confused.
They all thought I lost my mind. But I was the sanest of all. Victory was in sight.
"Wait here, I got to ask those two something. TRUST ME! I GOT THIS!" I said with excitement at the four of my Hunter Exam Colleagues before turning to my left and skipping towards the Examiners. I was pumped.
"Hey guys, you think he's ok?" Gon whispered.
"He must have lost his mind from the fog," Leorio answered, "or the concussions..."
"It is possible. Some people react to insanity or concussions differently," Kurapika had the nerve to reply.
"He was always an idiot, you guys are just seeing this now," Fuck you Killua.
I stopped at the top of the steps and pointed at the four gossiping little children, "I CAN HEAR YOU ASSHOLES! YOU'RE ALL GOING TO TAKE BACK EVERY SINGLE WORD! MARK MY WORDS!"
Turning around to face the Examiners, I realized I shouldn't have let the Hype flow through me so quickly. I smoothed my hair down and walked up to speak to them. Menchi was in her chair, leaning into it with both arms over the headrest. Buhara was in the same position he was in when we had left to get the pigs: sitting down with the giant sofa chair in between his legs like a toddler with a giant ball. I took a deep breath and looked at the two strangers in front of me. They were looking at me with curiosity.
Jesus, she really, really, really looked like Briannaisa, even down to the skin color.
I reverted to the American dialect that every city folk knows: job speak. Or, how I am around people I don't know.
"Hello, my name is James. A pleasure to make your acquaintance," I heard Killua say, 'Wow, so polite!' in the background. I ignored him, "I have two questions I'd like to ask. But before that, I'd like to say I really do respect you Gourmet Hunters. One of my friends is a Gourmet Hunter, so please don't think I'm like the rest of these applicants," I said seriously as I clapped a hand together.
Menchi analyzed me the same way Briannaisa would and I was disturbed. I held fast in the face of the doppelganger with the different colored hair. She leaned forward with a smile.
"We appreciate the compliment," GOD! THEIR FUCKING VOICES ARE EVEN THE SAME. But she didn't have the city accent... "but don't think to compliment us will help you pass the exam. Our job as Examiners is to remain impartial. So buttering us up won't help."
Lies.
"Well, it ain't gonna' hurt-, I mean I understand," I said, slipping back into my city accent I used when speaking to 'Naisa.
"Well? What are the two questions?" Mechi asked, crossing her arms.
"Can the candidates work together? And two, what specifically are you looking for in your meals?"
Menchi's eyes widen a fraction in surprise. She turned up to Buhara who looked down. When her head came down to meet me, she looked impressed.
"No, there are no rules that state the candidates have to work together. But, if you do, you all will be judged together. And, you must provide five meals."
"I'm fine with the judging together, but five meals? It would be better for us to cook separately... Nah, I'll take three meals,"
Whoops. I thought I was talking to Briannaisa for a second.
Her left eye twitched as she spoke, "Who are you ordering around? I'm the Examiner, not you! Five meals!"
Fuck it! I got what I wanted! Full steam ahead!
"How about four?" I said sweetly.
"FIVE!" she said with closed eyes and annoyance on her face.
"MAN, YOU SUCK!"
"WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO LIKE THAT!?"
"I AM! I'M TALKING TO YOU LIKE THAT, STEERING WHEEL HEAD!" I yelled back as Leorio and Kurapika dragged me down the stairs, their faces a mask of disappointment.
"LET GO OF ME BUHARA!" Menchi screamed, a giant hand from Buhara holding her back from killing me.
"Let me go, I can take her!" I said as I kicked my legs to try to escape. All higher brain functions ceasing in my head, "I don't care if she's a girl! Equal rights, equal fights! Catch these hands, yo. I'll light you up bi-"
Killua jumped in the air and hit me so hard on the top of my head. All I could do was yell.
"AAAAH, MY FUCKING HEAD! DON'T HIT ME ON THE HEAD! I HAD A CONCUSSION!"
"MAYBE YOUR CONCUSSION IS MAKING YOU ACT STUPID! STOP CAUSING PROBLEMS!"
I suddenly stood up straight from my crouch of pain and adjusted my suit jacket. Ok, fair enough. I got caught up with how familiar she was. The fact she was a Hunter meant nothing to me. That didn't intimidate me at all. I knew six personally. You step up to me verbally, either gender, I'll give you a verbal beat down. If I can get away with it…
Eh, I got what I wanted. Hot-cold women. Let the passion burn!
I gave the four of my Hunter Alliance members a serious look.
"Alright guys, we have to take this seriously. Enough fooling around.3"
The four of them looked at me incredulously. Leorio jumped on me and began throttling my jacket, "Do you have some screws loose?! You're the one picking fights with the Examiner!"
I looked away and up, not deigning to lower myself to such base arguments. I am above these petty disputes.
"I do not know what it is you are talking about, dear Leorio. For we have already won..."
The four of them looked at me like I lost my mind. But, strangely enough, Gon was the first to realize why I was acting up.
"You've cooked before!"
"Finally! God damn! Why'd it take you guys so long to figure out?!" I said with a raise of my arms into the air as Leorio released me from his grip. You'd think it'd be obvious by now why I was so confident.
"It's because you were acting really weird," Gon said with veritable dots for eyes. The other three had T's for eyes as they nodded their heads in unison.
"Whatever! We won the moment she said we can work together. But..." I said seriously to the four of them. My eyes lingered on Kurapika.
Killua spoke up, "If we work together, we'll be graded together. Anyone of us messes up, we all fail. And you'll be the one in charge, so we have to all be willing to trust you."
Killua's face was a smirk. I looked away and shook my head in subdued happiness. At least he had my back.
The other three looked at each other for a moment. Gon immediately nodded his head, "I don't know how to cook. So if you do, I'll follow your instructions."
"Do you trust me though?" I said, seriously. I can't have them hesitating for a moment when cooking. That turquoise-haired asshole is a picky eater. I can fucking tell. Eight years in the food industry has taught me how to spot one.
We had to make sure; I had to make sure this fucking meal was amazing. Or at least the effort was amazing.
Gon looked at me for a second before nodding and then giving a smile, "Yeah. I do."
I smiled and nodded. I turned to Leorio and Kurapika to my right. They were the only ones who I was uncertain would accept. I had a good feeling they would, being teenagers who probably bought fast food and shit. Leorio eigthy percent. Kurapika fifty-fifty.
"Well?"
Leorio was the first to answer, "Why are you willing to help us? I know Gon and Killua, but why us?" he said with suspicion.
I closed my eyes. I sighed and shrugged before beginning, "You're right, I should just help these two. I'm sure three meals would be easier than five. And they didn't beat me up either," I said as I opened my eyes and stared at Kurapika.
Kurapika was frowning, but he wasn't angry or upset. He was resigned. Gon and Killua stared at Kurapika with different looks. Gon with shock and disappointment on his face, while Killua had narrowed his eyes. I sighed and shook my head.
"Look, being an adult is knowing when to be the bigger person. It's trying to rise above your own reservations to be more. So I'll be the bigger, better person."
I turned away and frowned beforing turned to Kurapika. I pointed at him with my right index finger.
"But don't think I've forgiven you for that ass-whupping you gave me. At the same time, I know you and Leorio deserve to be Hunters. You're good people. But deserving something and getting it are two different things, and if I can get at least two good people to be Hunters..." I shrugged, "Fuck it. I'll do it. I'll be the shepherd. Why not? I'll always help those like I was helped myself."
I remembered my father. I remembered Al, the bastard. For a second I remembered Jacob. I really miss him. I miss all of them...
Leorio looked at me seriously... and with newfound respect. He nodded his head, "Ok, I'll work with you."
I nodded, then walked passed him to Kurapika.
"Well?"
All four of us stared at him. Kurapika closed his eyes and sighed, "I'll work with you for now. If it means passing this phase of the exam."
I pumped my fist as everyone else celebrated. Kurapika waited for our short, impromptu celebration to speak up, "You seem quite confident. What is your experience with cooking? Have you worked at a restaurant of some renown?"
"Keh keh keh, nope!" I replied as a vicious rictus came across my face. I pulled my laptop from my backpack, "Just some shitty pizza place. Eight years, though. I started when I was thirteen, cleaning the place and occasionally doing the register, until I was the manager at seventeen. Until the place closed down three years later because the owner retired. But I remember everything. Every. Fucking. Dish. I know how to cook, even though I hate doing it."
At this point, I didn't even care if I cursed in front of Gon. Let my vulgar mouth run. I would win us this phase. We had to work together, but I was in charge. If I cooked something by myself, Menchi would turn her nose up I would fail. We had to show them the spirit of cooking. Which involved hell. I would take them to the depths of it and back.
With a flourish, I pulled out the broke laptop and held it out to them, "The fucking employees I had to manage, PSSH, I can make you guys cook anything. Any. Fucking. Thing. Even if you couldn't make a bowl of cereal."
I could see some fear in their eyes as my demeanor changed from James: the regular guy, to James: The Pizza Store Manager Who Doesn't Give A Fuck BECAUSE DETROIT GHETTOS TURN YOU INTO-ASRGTHVNCSI! !$#%##
"I'm going to fix this laptop. I'm going to find some recipes. Then I'm going to put you guys through hell."
"I'm not going to fail to a cooking competition of all things."
The four stared at me with wide eyes.
As they should.
I refused to die here.
Gon and Killua came back to their group of five with the wild vegetables James had requested. Killua's head was covered in bumps. Mostly because Killua kept talking back to James whenever he gave an order. Gon was terrified by proxy. James had become an unreasonable, uncontrollable monster of a person the moment he took charge of the five. It was his kitchen, even if it was temporary. Just as every Chef was. The ones who were nice were liars.
"Where's the honey? WHERE'S THE HONEY?!" James said as he washed the onions, picked the best ones, skinned them and cut them.
Leorio was stirring soup and had numerous bumps on his heads. He stared out of the corner of his eye at Killua, in fear. Leorio thought he could outrage James in the kitchen. Incorrect. For a man who aspired to be a doctor, that was an unhealthy decision.
Kurapika stared at the meat in front of him, barely held together indignation on his face, and with the focus of a fake psychic trying to lift a pencil with his mind at gun point. James had made several threats against the Kurta's manhood, one including, 'I'll turn you into a eunuch and make you sing in a choir.' or 'I'll turn you into the girl you look like.'
So he could only support Killua and Gon. In spirit.
"Uhh," was all Killua said as James' normally narrow eyes became as wide as plates. Green dots he stared down at the boy.
/
Thirty minutes ago.
The first time James yelled at Killua, threatened him with death and his Killing Intent. James ate that rebuff like cotton candy and knocked Killua over the head with a fist. You cannot threaten a dead man. This was also payback for all the times Killua hit James.
"I've already died more times than you can imagine. If you killed me now, it'd be a sweet release compared to dying as a result of a cooking competition." James said with a sneer as he held a fist up in the air.
"I sweat to fucking god I wont die here. So I won't take any lip, KILLUA!"
What James really wanted to say was: he refused to die a second time due to food based circumstances. He died in a pizza factory. A giant pizza crushing him to death would be the only thing more humiliating to the man.
He would not die. And James knew Killua wouldn't do shit, and if Killua did it wouldn't matter. Killua could see it in James' eyes. Nothing Killua could do would scare him.
/
Present...
The horrifying thing to Killua was the man's one hundred percent conviction to pass or die for the Exam. How did he have such conviction?
"Get honey. If you don't or fail me, you better hope your 'poison' bullshit fails and you die from anaphylactic shock from the bees. Because, if so help me god, you don't get me honey within the next five minutes, I'll give you so many bumps on your head you'll be two inches taller."
Killua grumbled as he ran at speeds the wind would find unreasonable.
James turned to Gon, who fidgeted nervously when he glared at by the older man. James wouldn't hit Gon, but fear was an excellent motivator.
The Chef slowly pulled the weak-looking carrots out of the bag. He sighed.
"These'll have to do. Go help Killua find honey. You have a better sense of smell than him."
Gon nodded and ran off after Killua.
James turned to Kurapika, "How is the meat, Kurapika?"
That was a rhetorical question. Because Kurapika knew better than to over or under cook James' meat.
Kurapika nodded, staring at the meat with the intensity and dread of a person trapped in Saw game. Somehow his hate for the Tao Long superseded by fear of Chef James and his insults. The man knew the insults that would rip a person apart on the inside.
James finished cutting the vegetable and began washing his hands again, his gloves off for the first time in a long time. He quickly moved on to making the dough for the Pizza. The kitchens were well equipped to handle actual cooking, and yet an hour into the second phase of the exam, only the four wannabe Hunters following James had used any of it. The rest of the candidates, like Todo the Wrestler, only roasted pig on the rotisseries next to the kitchens. They had no skills in cooking. They had no inkling of what to do. Not how to season food. Not how to pick the correct meat that was marbled with fat. Not not a single recipe.
Not even soup of all things, or as James said, "Bunch of water with shit in it. How is that hard?!"
Much of James' underlying anger came from perpetual frustration stemming from his expectations being shattered like a wrecking ball against a stained glass window on a near-constant basis. Followed by said expectations being grounded down into a fine powder. Which, in James' hyperactive imagination, was done by a mocking clown on a steamroller.
James was a man who wanted consistency, control, and logic. No matter how inconsistent the world seemed to be at times. No matter how uncontrollable his temper was at times. No matter how insane or skewed his or the world's logic tended to be at times. Indeed, a man who wanted consistency, control, and logic.
Reality did not care. So James would curse Reality and point out its flaws, and then Reality would continue not to care and then do something else that defied him and the cycle would continue.
It was a merry game.
If James could see the absurdity of his experience in the food industry being the thing that would help him pass the Hunter Exam. It filled him with mirth and mania, as well as frustration and indignation. Not the hellish three months of training with master Hunters. Not his harsh upbringing in the inner city of Detroit. Not even hunting.
It was none of the above. It was his ability to fix and operate computers, then following instructions off the internet and then how to cook. That was all.
James had fixed the computer that the candidate Nicholas had dropped during the first phase of the Exam with a roll of tape. The instant James saw the startup screen say 'Doors 98', he wanted to put his fist through the monitor screen. Reality again mocking him. Even the logo looked similar to Windows 98...
His experience working as a help desk for several years before being laid off was surprisingly paying dividends, but the surreal and farcical nature of the screen had almost destroyed everything. The average person would be terrified if they knew that most companies still used ancient software on their companies, especially for sensitive data. Several engineers at the company that James had worked for at had locked themselves out of their Windows 98 laptops. During the year 2018.
The world James was in was filled with literal dragons. That was not to say James wanted to fight dragons, but one had certain expectations about an organization with only six-hundred or so members that was tasked with protecting the world to some extent...
The sheer luck, coincidence, and set of circumstances involved for all the stars to align for this very moment were mind-boggling to James. If he passed because of his mundane skills in life, he was going to, in James' own words, 'Shoot a motherfucker'. Then he laughed like a madman. The other four did not understand what to make of James as he oscillated emotionally, from raging, angry incredulity to incredulity with raging happiness. It was the subtle things in life that people always missed.
To James, it was as if, halfway through the Triwizard Tournament in Harry Potter an event hinged on who could best organize a cupboard underneath a muggle's staircase. That's how on the nose it all seemed to him.
When the network password screen came up, they looked on defeated. All four of them. James scoffed and was instead annoyed. The security on Windows 98 was, in James' words, 'ass' and he knew of several ways to bypass the screen. Indeed, he had done several of them at his IT job. He moved the cursor to the help icon and unleashed hell on the computer. He scrolled through the screen with practiced speed as he opened the print screen and then opened the printer help and from there access the folders. From there he navigated to desktop, opened 'My Computer' as a folder, tricking the computer into launching the explorer program and bypassing the password screen.
Simply put, he made the computer malfunction by accessing a flaw. He quickly found the password file for the machine and changed the name, causing the password to be nothing. With that, the 'Doors 98' computer was now his. He rebooted the computer (the method he used did not allow network access) and now could use the computer's internet. He found that it was connected to satellite internet.
With that, he found three recipes other than Pizza and Pulled Pork sandwiches. Honey-Garlic Pork Chops, Barbecue Ribs, and Pork Soup.
Leorio was assigned Pork Soup duties, Kurapika the Barbecue Ribs, and James everything else. Since Killua and Gon could not cook to save their lives and were the fastest, they were tasked with gathering the ingredients.
Multiple candidates tried to figure out how the five of them were cooking. Some of them even tried to join the group but were rebuffed. One even stepped into James' kitchen and got in James' way so as to ask if could join. The man was given three chances to move out of the way. He did not. That man was brutally disqualified from the Hunter Exam by blunt force trauma to the head via four knuckles from James. After that, everyone left the five alone…
We stood there in front of the Examiners. I only had my pants and white apron on. My four comrades had aprons on as well. It took us close to an hour and a half to finish everything. It was hard work... But we did it.
Laid upon the table in front of the two Examiners was a feast. I had channeled all my will, skill, and experience working at Al's Pizzeria. I led the five of us as a Chef would. Just as Al showed me: lead with threats of physical violence and insults. Or, in this world, actual physical violence. Al, you weaselly, greasy man who was a poor example of an Italian who was, simultaneously, the worst and best thing that happened to my youth... if I passed this fucking phase I'll name my firstborn child after you.
Two pizzas with spicy pork as a topping. They provided us with cheese and basic stuff, thank god. Two basic pulled pork sandwiches. Nothing special, but I knew they were tasty. Then were the recipes I found online by searching the equivalent of Usenet, Geocities, and Angelfire sites. I think I was using the just created version of google to find the pages... Jesus Christ this world is so far in the past. If I had to see another shitty spinning gif, it would be too soon.
Anyways. I wasn't worried about the soup. If Leorio could somehow fuck up soup, well, he'll never be a Hunter because he'll be dead. He knew that. I swear to god, he knew that. That's why he couldn't fail at making soup.
The BBQ Ribs with Honey-Garlic Sauce and the Honey-Garlic Pork Chops were what I was worried about. I had no experience cooking them, and I wasn't going to make all Italian food or sandwiches. I didn't have enough ingredients or patience to teach these idiots how to cook.
Oh look, I'm a badass assassin kid! Oh, I'm the last person of my clan that were all super cool or something. Cooking? Nope. At least they can follow instructions.
I looked at the four of them. I'll kill you all if I fail. They took a step back. They got the hint.
Everyone so far had failed. Hisoka was blaring out sinister Aura like a broken fire hydrant.
The five of us stood there with our arms crossed as we waited, holding our breaths, while the Examiners ate. They smelled, they tasted, they chewed. We scrutinized and studied every single motion or action they did. It was agony.
To be fair, Menchi was being the foodie while Buhara just inhaled the food like a vacuum. Then he raised his little sign that had a red circle on it to tell us we passed. Menchi was turning over every piece of food in her mouth with her tongue while keeping her eyes closed. She was concentrating, tasting it from every angle and evaluating it against her palette and years of eating and preparing food. Which was weird to me, because she couldn't be older than 'Naisa, and 'Naisa was only twenty-three.
I sighed. That was only the porkchop. She ate with the same deliberate effort with every meal. Even the slurping of her soup was measured and calculating. Fuck this Ratatouille-ass, foodie-ass, food critic-ass, !#!$%?! #% !#$# ! $# !#$!
How do you measure the frustration of having your life hanging on the balance because of someone's opinion? Based on fucking taste buds?!
Thank god I was keeping my Aura in check using Zetsu. My anticipation and frustration were out of control. This whole situation was beyond my control. It bothered me the hell out of me.
All five of us stared at her with dead serious looks. For me, it was deadly. I needed to pass this.
She finished sipping the soup. That was the last of the meals. She didn't even finish them. My left eye twitched uncontrollably.
Haughty, thy name was Menchi's voice, "The pizza and pulled-pork were ok if standard. The pork chops were overcooked," I turned my head to Kurapika who sweated at my raze him from existence glare, "while the ribs were nothing special. If anything, too dry. The soup was too salty and didn't bring out the flavor of the vegetables and pork."
TOO SALTY?! I'LL KILL YOU LEORIO...
She continued without pause or mercy. Her words a Muhammad Ali rapid-fire combination to my entire body and soul.
"While Buhara is satisfied with everything in front of him, I'm not. If I had to grade your work, it would a six point five. Maybe a seven if I was being charitable. Nothing special. At all."
Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder||Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder|Murder...
"All in all, you five pass."
"What?" I said as I stared up from my hunched form, breaking out of my slightly distracting thoughts. I was in a stupor.
Everyone roared 'what' except for the Examiners.
Menchi crossed her arms and smirked, closing her eyes as she spoke.
"Don't look surprised. Out of all the Hunter candidates, you five were the only ones who cared to actually make a meal. You took it as seriously as life or death, which is how cooking should be. That's the spirit of a Gourmet Hunters!"
She was right, I really did put my all into this. I punched a man so hard he probably forgot his childhood. That man deserved it, too. One hundred percent.
"I'm guessing you want to be a Gourmet Hunter as well?" Menchi said with respect in her eyes.
"Pfft, no way- fuck that, I hate cooking! FUCK THIS! FUCKING VICTORY!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I tore the apron off my body and throw it into the air.
Menchi's face was flat as tire, with a giant vein popping out of her head. I didn't give A FUCK! WE DID IT! I WON! WOO! I'M ALIVE! I'M FUCKING ALIVE!
I ran down the steps like a soccer player who just scored the winning goal at the world cup. Flying past everyone with my arms in the air, I smacked myself all over my body in pure joy and excitement. I ran a full lap around everyone in the courtyard, my eyes wet with joy and relief from all the near-death from the past day. I circled back to the four and hopped up four feet into the air and punched the sky. When I landed, raising my right hand to clasp hands with my comrades. Each of the four of them stared at me with their version of confusion. They had no idea what had gotten over me. Don't they understand we won! I live! I'm alive!
"Give me yo' fuckin' hands!" I said. They looked at me with confusion. They raised their hands forward in confusion like they were going to touch something NO!
On this day introduced the world to the dap. I grabbed Leorio's hand, twisted it up and clasped hands with him and pulled him into a hug, slapping him on the back with pure victory. I did the same with the other three. I didn't even hesitate when I reached Kurapika, laughing and wooing like a crazy person, as I brought him into a hug as well. Victory! Victory!
"Why is he so happy?" Gon asked Killua.
"Because he might have just passed us the Exam," Killua smirked.
I saw Leorio and Kurapika smile. Both of them knew why I was happy.
I get to live.
I cupped my mouth and answered with a celebratory Ric Flair, all my muscles flexed, "Woooo!"
Kurapika shook his head, but he still had a smile on his face that was quickly fading, "This doesn't necessarily mean the Exam is over."
"Man, fuck that! None of these guys know how to cook! No one had a basic life skill in this exam except for me! Us five pass! I am the greatest by sole virtue of being the most mundane!" I said, posing like a Greek statue, my bruised and battered body being displayed to the world.
"Quiet down already," Killua said with a glare and a sudden frown.
"Don't rain on my victory parade!"
"No, idiot, read the atmosphere..." Killua said. This time I noticed his glare was a dangerous one.
"Second phase of the Exam is over! Only five people have passed!" Menchi said, though her glare was on me.
I turned around to the rest of the candidates. We had been the last ones to give our food to the Examiners. Menchi and Buhara had just said he couldn't eat anymore, which was a blatant lie on Menchi's part. She didn't even taste anything outside our meal.
Number two-five-five, the fat man who looked like a King of Fighters character that had eaten nothing but lard, punched in a sink with his bare hand before was walking towards us. The five of us hadn't left the spot next to the Examiners, or well, the four hadn't. I ran around the whole damn courtyard beforehand.
Number two-five-five, the fat man with orange hair and a ponytail spoke up, "This is unacceptable! I will not accept this! You let these five losers pass because they made a meal? That's it?! We gave you your stupid pork!"
"Pssh, better than you. You look like a pig yourself, so you should be familiar with pork," I said dismissively.
"What'd you say?"
"You heard me."
Menchi interrupted our verbal spar, "Enough. Those five were the only ones close to providing a pork dish that both Examiners found delicious. They provided five. The rest of you didn't even come close to succeeding. The rest of you all did pretty much the exact same thing. I mean, it's like you didn't even tr-"
She turned to me.
"Wh-what are you doing?" she said as one of her eyes twitched in annoyance.
The other four were standing far away from me as I danced, both my hands in front of me while swaying back and forth, doing the Dougie.
"I'm just enjoying my absolute victory. Please! Continue to praise me and my group and trash these guys," I lifted my hands in the air to two-step. I didn't give a fuck anymore. We had to pass the exam now. At the second phase, no less! Us five!
"It's clear that one of you took this seriously except for them..." she said, begrudgingly looking at me. The other four no longer cared to associate with me. She was regretting her choice to pass us, and I loved every second of it.
"I came here to become a Hunter, not some cook!" everyone cheered the orange-haired man, "My goal is to become a Blacklist Hunter and no stupid Gourmet Hunter is gonna' tell me I can't. Especially when this idiot can pass!"
"Then it's too bad that a-" I interrupted Menchi the same way I would interrupt Briannaisa when she was trying to be cool. She bristled.
"Boohoo you, big fat baby... I'm better than you," was all I said to Fat Albert.
His face turned bright red as he charged me. He was strong, fast, tough, experienced. Everything a Blacklist Hunter should be. That was easy to tell...
But I had Killua. He suddenly appeared next to me and stuck his foot out, tripping the fat man into my right cross. It sounded like a wooden bat hitting a home run when my fist connected. Fatty Arbuckle slumped backward and rolled down the steps. I shook my hand in pain. That man was like punching solid cement. I could break cement blocks, but still. Ow, jeez...
I turned to Menchi, who was glaring at me from her lounging position.
"Sorry, I just don't like people looking down on me or them." I finished with a shrug and a point of my finger over my shoulder.
I turned to Killua, "Thanks, but I had it covered."
Killua shrugged, "Yeah, I know. But, I didn't like how he was talking about us either. Neither did they," he said with a jab of his thumb behind him. The other three were walking up to us two with smiles on their faces.
Menchi stood up and walked passed the five of us. Two pairs of chef's knives in each hand. She spoke as she walked down the flight of stairs with precision and elegance.
"Let's get this straight. We frequently venture into the dens of ferocious beasts, in search of the finest ingredients. And every Hunter is proficient in at least some form of martial art."
She then began twirling her Michael Myers knives around her, juggling the four blades with ease. They were moving so fast they looked like whirring sawblades.
Eyes closed. What the fuck.
"You lack focus, and the will to experiment with new things," she caught all four knives in her left hand and pointed them at the crowd, opening her eyes, "and that alone disqualifies you all from becoming Hunters."
How the fuck she did catch four knife handles in one hand?! I don't even bother trying to catch one. Try spinning and catching four pencils without stabbing yourself. Let alone four-bladed weapons. The fuck is this shit? She's a Gourmet Hunter, not something super combat-intensive. Right? I don't even want to know how capable Mayer is, because he was a Blacklist Hunter. And Mr. Orange fatty over here couldn't even hold Mayer's jockstrap.
Probably because Mayer's jockstrap was probably the size and weight of a Jamaican Steel pan drum made out of tungsten...
And she had an equally sized pair. She gave no shits as everyone in the Exam stared at her, ready to kill her. I could see Hisoka ready a card and unleash an evil Aura that made my stomach crawl. Everyone else was equally ready. The five of us instantly became on guard, mainly as everyone that wasn't staring at the Examiners was staring at us. Not my fault. I refuse to take back my victory celebration.
And, out of nowhere, God spoke.
"Well, that said, it seems a bit excessive to fail so many applicants so early into the Exam."
We all turned up to see an airship with the Hunter's Association Symbol on it. I was disappointed it wasn't actually the old bearded man in the sky who intervened.
Wait...
With the suddenness and the approximate force of an artillery impact, someone landed in front of us. Dust, dirt, and debris flew into the sky as the crowd grunted and spluttered from the impact and cloud…
There stood the Chairman of the Hunter Exam, master to my master, and probably the strongest man in the world...
I-Zack Netrow.
Hey all! Hope you are all doing well and continue to do well.
Nothing really. This took longer than usually because I was trying out new editing software. And yes, James' life sucks. Sadly, not the worst I've encountered in my life. Hell, probably not the worst some of you guys have seen either.
Cheers to everyone who is alive and healthy! Because no one can break you! Especially not the world.
Thankfully, we got this nice second half of the chapter, taking up the entire bottom. Yeaaaaah, aw yeaaah *rubs chapter like a dog belly*
I hope guys have as much fun with the second half of the chapter as I had.
Thank you again for all the reviews! I appreciate them immensely. Stay safe and healthy out there, everyone!
See you guys next chapter. Rondo out.
