It was here, at the table with the commander and Miss Amagi, where Unicorn couldn't help but think she finally felt like a grown-up. She didn't feel any pressing need to eat all the sweets within easy reach and then excuse herself and leave for the comfort of her room. The conversations that Illustrious and everyone else had bored her to no end. Talking about what other people said, talking about what other people did — politics — she couldn't help but retire into her books.
But here, sitting in close proximity with only two other people, sipping decaffeinated green tea just like everyone else — she felt at ease. It was a silly thing to think of, and wildly inappropriate, but she couldn't help but feel a little proud of herself.
The commander looked a lot better now. Outside, he was pale and swaying on feet, unable to keep his balance. Maybe it was the food that gave him that little bit of vitality, but she hoped that it was Amagi and her collective company. Right now, he was gazing into the bottom of his ceramic cup, seeing the dregs float around.
"More tea?" Amagi offered.
He nodded and she poured him another. Unicorn still had a little bit of trouble sipping at the steaming liquid, scalding her tongue all the way to the back of her mouth. Maybe it was an adult thing to be able to drink tea. So she sipped and sipped until her tongue was numb.
Unlike the usual tea parties she was accustomed to, everyone was content with taking their time doing and saying nothing. But the teapot ran out, and the cups went empty and chilled. Unicorn was waiting for the commander to speak, and she suspected Amagi was waiting for the same thing.
It didn't take very long at all. He tapped his fingers against the side of his cup, and asked, "Do you mind if I say something stupid?" After the brief pause with no dissent, he added, "I wish that everything would stay like this for a very long time."
Unicorn felt the same way.
"It has been nice," Amagi said. "But it is getting rather late."
"I guess so," he replied, but nobody got up to leave.
After a pause, Amagi said, "If you want, we could meet here every evening. I'd be happy to find more excuses to cook. All three of us could meet here at six, if you'd like."
"I'd like that."
"Is that alright with you too, Unicorn?" Amagi asked.
Unicorn nodded.
The table fell into silence once again. It was difficult to carry on a conversation when everyone there was socially anxious or people of few words, Unicorn noted absently.
She said, "I should go, my big sister is probably wondering where I am."
"You didn't say where you were going?" Amagi asked.
"She doesn't mind all that much where I go," she said quietly, "but she usually just wants me back home by eight. She is okay with everything otherwise."
Amagi clapped her hands. "Then it's settled. Can you walk Unicorn back home?" she asked the commander. "I need some time to do the dishes."
He looked unsure. "You don't have anything that we can do to help? I feel like I've done nothing this entire time."
"Your company and promise to come back is good enough," she said, smiling. "Now get out of here before you kill Miss Illustrious from worry."
Amagi also insisted on walking them to the door to see them out. Both the commander and Unicorn waved back at the tiny figure of Amagi as she waved them from the door.
It had been a while since the sunset, and the path back was only lit by the streetlamps and the night chill to accompany them. The commander first set off at his normal pace, but slowed down to match Unicorn's much shorter strides. But even then, Unicorn took shorter and fewer steps until she stopped altogether.
He stopped and looked back, inquiringly, but did not say anything. She couldn't put her turbulent emotions into words or actions, but only looked at the ground below her, uncertain of what to do. They both stood there in silence, in the dark and the cold.
"If you're not ready to go inside yet," he eventually said, "we can at least find a place to sit. To tell the truth, I don't want to go just yet either."
A bench was not too far away, shined on by a streetlamp like a steady searchlight. They sat, and let the chilly night fog their breaths in silence. The commander was about to say something inconsequential about the cold, but saw her eyebrows knitted in concentration, working out some unsaid thoughts on her mind, and said nothing.
So he left his own mind to wander, turning to the conversation he and Unicorn had while Amagi was busy cooking in the kitchen. It seemed so foreign now. After all that, he felt just fine. Was that all he needed, a warm dinner and the company of others? Feeling just dandy after weeks and months of gloom?
He looked over to Unicorn, who was still slouched over, staring at her clasped hands. He couldn't help but feel bad that all of her well-meaning concern meant so little in the end, when the solution lay in something as elementary as the company of others.
In truth, that disappointed him. It made him feel all the more needy — requiring the patience of others for his own gain. No — that wasn't the case, he thought, looking towards the person beside him. Other people were glad to give it, for whatever reasons which still eluded him. He was grateful for it, despite not understanding why.
A large majority of himself felt that it was undeserved. But for at least today, he had the presence of mind to push those thoughts aside.
Breaking from his reverie, he noticed that Unicorn had once again pulled out the letter that he had written not so long ago. She was not rereading it, but instead had it clasped in her hands, unopened.
"Can I see the letter?" he asked.
She hesitated. "Are you going to do anything with it?"
"I'm just going to read it again."
It took a couple moments for her to think it over, but eventually passed it over. He unfolded the paper to see his familiar apathetic scrawl — slanted and some unholy mix between print and cursive. And he read the things he wrote that seemed so alien now.
His hands were shaking a little when he refolded the letter and returned it. Unicorn took it cautiously, gauging his reaction. He sighed. "You know, I'd like to say that I'm past all that. Everything that I wrote, it was said from a place of desperation and stupidity. But to be honest, I still partly believe that to be true. I can easily see it all happening over again." He snorted in derision. "But here I am, putting that responsibility on you to catch me whenever I fall. I'm going to ask you again, seriously: do you think you're ready for that? I'm asking you only because I would have said yes as well, ignorant of the consequences."
Unicorn fiddled with her fingers, looking down at her lap. "Didn't we have this talk already?"
"I just don't think you know what you're getting yourself into."
She took a breath. "Can I take a minute?"
"Sure."
Silence lapsed. The distant waves kept crashing onto the sands, but the waves were not strong enough to carry the seabreeze to their faces. The quarter moon hung heavily over the horizon, threatening to tear itself out of the sky's grasp and plummet into the sea. Successive drafts felt colder as they came. The weather this night was altogether just as miserable as this afternoon, he thought.
Unicorn eventually said, "I know I'm not the best with words, but… I think that I would rather be hurt by a friend trying to help them than be hurt by not being able to do anything at all. And I know it sounds silly coming from me, because I probably know a lot less than you, but whenever you're having bad thoughts I want to be there to listen because I think it's better to say them to someone than to keep them in your head. Whenever I have my bad thoughts, Illustrious always listens to me, and it's helped me. I don't know if it will help you at all but —" she suddenly stopped.
"Yes?" the commander finally asked, after a long pause.
"This is really really selfish of me, but I also want to be the one that you talk to. Miss Amagi is super nice, but I'm really happy that you're talking to me. And I want it to continue, even though it's not right."
Suddenly, everything lined up in his head, and he saw everything with frightening clarity. He looked at her, stupefied, until she covered her face with her hands. "I shouldn't have said anything," she muttered, over and over again.
"Okay," he heard himself say.
Unicorn quieted, listening.
"Okay," he repeated. "I can do that. I can't promise to only go to you, but if I ever need to talk to someone, I'll go to you."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
She could say nothing, incredulous. He couldn't tell it was from her doubt of his sincerity or her disbelief that she got what she wanted despite sabotaging herself.
"We should get inside," he said. "I'm getting a little cold."
He started to get up, but Unicorn was quick to grab his sleeve. "Can we just wait just a little longer?" she asked.
"Alright." The commander sat back down, and took a deep breath of that night chill. They both sat there for a long time.
—
When the two were gone and Amagi could no longer see their silhouettes from the doorway, she began the long and tedious process of cleanup. She made far too much food. In her haste, she had made enough for four and none of them were particularly big eaters. During the process of washing the pots and bowls, she suddenly thought that she should've offered to pass over the leftovers for the commander to carry home, despite the fact that curry rice stored terribly. The already overcooked rice would have become porridge.
But she had seen how gaunt his face had become these past couple weeks. She had seen how much looser his uniform fit him, billowing in the evening wind. He shivered in temperatures which were at worst nippy for her.
Amagi sighed and leaned back away from the kitchen sink and let the hot water wash over the crusted bowls and pots. She breathed in the hot steam and listened to the sound of the water flow like it was an artificial river or waterfall. Usually it would be around this time when someone wandered in and offered to help with the dishes, else they leave a former infirm to struggle alone at the task.
It was strange. She wasn't nearly as sickly as others made her out to be these days, but people insisted on helping anyway. Something akin to charity perhaps, like helping an old lady across the street. She did have a weaker constitution than others, but she was also just as capable of doing menial chores just like any other able bodied individual.
The caked rice did not come off the pot even under boiling hot water. It took all of her attention and a steel sponge to get it off. Next time, she would not add so much water to the rice.
With her mind set on more practical matters, the dishes were done quickly, and Amagi rested rather inelegantly by sitting with her back to the kitchen wall with a cup of chilled water. She would have to make dinner again tomorrow, and she was too spent to think of what to make. At the very least, she would be a little more prepared than today.
It was at that moment Hiryuu chose to come in, having worked up a sweat from training. It took a double check for her to realize Amagi appeared to have collapsed against the wall. Amagi could only smile, already imagining how the conversation would go.
Hiryuu rushed over, in panic. "Amagi-san, are you —"
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm afraid you caught me at a bad time. I hoped that no one would see me resting like this."
"What happened?"
"I made bad rice and had to clean up after myself."
Hiryuu's initial worry started to dissipate. "Are you alright now?"
"Yes. I only overexerted myself a little." Amagi sat up a little and straightened out her robes. "Please don't worry about me. Go ahead and take whatever you came for."
"Oh, right. I was about to grab the water I put in the fridge." Hiryuu went to fetch them and shook them in Amagi's direction. "Didn't think we'd need it, but we didn't expect to work out for this long either."
"This late at night?"
"The weather was perfect. It's a lot easier to keep training when it's cold — so much harder to break a sweat."
Amagi could only think of when both she and the commander were shivering even during the afternoon, when every single draft chilled their bones. "I see."
"Do you need me to escort you back to your room?"
"Oh no, that won't be necessary. I only needed some time to catch my breath."
"Alrighty then. I have to run, Takao is waiting on me. Feel free to holler if you need anything, I'm sure most people here won't mind giving you a hand next time."
"I will be sure to keep it in mind," Amagi said, knowing full well that she would probably never take anybody up on that offer. She had an inkling that Hiryuu knew as well.
Long after Hiryuu had gone, Amagi slowly made her way back to her room, and got ready for bed. And as her unsteady breaths slowed, she couldn't help but wonder how different her life would have been had she the vitality unlimited by illness. There was a small part of her which still harbored envy towards the able-bodied.
—
As Unicorn and the commander reached their destination, they saw Illustrious and Hermione were both waiting for their return inside.
"Thanks for escorting Unicorn home," Illustrious said, rising to greet them.
"It was nothing," the commander said, watching Unicorn go with Hermione inside. He waved back at Unicorn as she said goodbye.
Illustrious waited until the pair turned a corner and disappeared out of view. "Do you mind if we can have a talk? Sorry to trouble you this late at night."
She gestured to the seat right across from her. He sat, with a twinge of apprehension.
Illustrious did not say anything. He shivered, even though the entire foyer was well-heated and insulated.
"There is no need to be so nervous," she said. "I was only hoping to have a conversation with the person my charge has been spending so much time with."
"Alright," he said. Her reassurance didn't ease any of his worry.
Illustrious smiled. "I wanted to thank you for spending so much time with Unicorn."
"I — what?"
"Do you need me to repeat it?"
"No, I just — if anything, I should be thanking her. I must have been putting her through the wringer."
"That might be true," Illustrious said. "But you must have noticed how much she depends on you as well."
He thought of the conversation he had outside only a few minutes ago. "I had only an inkling," he murmured.
Illustrious leaned forward in her chair. "Unicorn has had much difficulty in finding friends. I always push her to spend more time out of her room and with others, but she always found reasons for not going a second time with the same people. If it were up to her, she'd spend all of her time reading and drawing in her room."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"I'm making a point, please let me finish. In any case, she's been thinking and talking about you a great deal. Taking the chance to go to see you. Caring a great deal more about you than anyone else besides herself or me."
"That sounds unhealthy. It sounds like I'm being the object of obsession."
"I myself would call it having her first friend."
The commander was doubtful. "This is probably the most uneven friendship I've ever heard of, if you can even call it that. I'm not the best influence either."
Illustrious smiled with a hint of melancholy. "You are not the only one who has dark thoughts."
His heartbeat quickened. "Unicorn — ?"
"There are things which are on her mind, some of which she tells me and many which she does not. Perhaps she has shared several with you, but I cannot say for certain."
"She has not," he said, though he was unsure if he was saying the truth.
"And in the future, that might continue to be true, or it might not. In either case, I'm sure she would be happy to have someone she could go to who is not her elder sister."
He looked at the floor, overwhelmed. "I don't know. I still feel like I'd crush her eventually when I lean too hard."
Illustrious sighed. "That's the risk we all take, no? We all worry about the things we should or should not say in fear that we hurt each other. But many of us have come to realize that despite that, it's a worthwhile endeavour. Maybe you'll agree as well once you've tried."
The commander was silent for a bit. "Why are you telling me all this?"
"The selfish reason I could say is that this is as much for my little sister as it is for you," she said, eyes glimmering. "The other reason is that I think what I'm saying is good advice for you as a person. I do listen when Unicorn tells me things. I hope that doesn't bother you too much."
He didn't find himself minding too much about it. For some strange reason, he felt a little glad as well. Still, he hesitated. "But if I do hurt her?"
"If it was from ignorance, I would ensure that you saw your error," she said, quietly. "If it was from malice, then it would mean that my sense of character is awfully flawed and I would take out my anger on you."
He said nothing.
Illustrious closed her eyes and ran a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry, that was awfully rude of me to say. But I don't think you are a terrible person at heart. This whole ordeal has been stressful for me as well."
"I'm sorry."
"There's nothing to be sorry for. It was me who snapped." Illustrious stood up. "Allow me to apologize by escorting you back."
"I can walk by myself, it's okay," the commander said, standing up as well.
"I insist."
"I would but — I just have a lot of things to think about. Nothing against you. A lot of things happened today."
Illustrious was conflicted, but eventually acquiesced. "I hope you don't take what I said as an insult."
"No, it's alright. I would have said worse."
The commander waved back to Illustrious as he went out into the night, and turned towards the general direction of his room. Upon reaching the entrance, he realized he wasn't going to get any sleep if he went to bed, so he decided to walk laps around the base until he felt tired. Amongst the long shadows and the dark, his mind kept running over and over, echoing all the conversations he had today. He tried to memorize everyone's exact words so he would not forget.
He walked for a long time.
A/N: There's a lot that I do want to talk about, but I think now that a lot of it is better off unsaid. Many of the things I would say would do little but cause me more grief in the future with more unkept promises.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I apologize for the long wait.
