Ok, I'm calling it. Why do crappy high school cupules always say I love you to each other? I mean what is that? Do they truly love everyone or are they just so emotionally stunted they think saying "I love you" is just another common thing to say? After my mom and dad divorced I asked her why she didn't love him anymore. Her response was ""I love you" isn't what you think it looks like. It's not romantic dates and holding hands. "I love you" is taking care of someone when they're blackout drunk and throwing up. "I love you" is popping black pimples and still kissing through runny noses winter brings. "I love you" is drooling during sex and laughing together. "I love you" is being held while violently sobbing because of an anxiety attack. "I love you" is discussing what your morning breath smells like with each other. "I love you" is "I don't want to but I will for you and only you." It's all the good and the bad and the gross and the beautiful and ugly things about life and embracing that in each other. Your dad and I haven't had that in a long time. And someday if you find someone that makes you think all of that is true hold on to them." Ever since then I haven't said I love you to anyone. I haven't met anyone that I could love that much. At least not until Jacques. He is someone I can imagine loving through all of the bad and the messy.

That's a pretty sexy story, Blue. I mean, middle school is like this endless horror show. Well, maybe not because it ended, but it really burns into your psyche. I don't care who you ate. Puberty is merciless.

I'm curious to have you seen him since your dad's wedding?

I don't even know when I figured it out. It was a bunch of little things. Like this weird dream, I had once about Daniel Radcliff. Or how I was obsessed with Passion Pit in middle school, and then I realized it wasn't really about the music.

And then in eighth grade, I had this girlfriend. It was one of those things where your "dating" but you don't ever go anywhere outside of school. And you don't really do anything in school either. I think we held hands. So, we went to the eighth-grade dance as a couple, but my friends and I spent the whole night eating Fritos and spying on people from under the bleachers. And at one point, this random girl comes up to me and tells me that my girlfriend is waiting at the front of the gym. I was supposed to go out there and find her, and I guess we were supposed to make out. In that closed-mouth middle school way.

So, here's my proudest moment: I ran and hid like a freaking preschooler in the bathroom. Like, in the stall with the door closed, crouched up on top of the toilet so my legs wouldn't show. As if the girls were going to break in and bust me. Honest to God, I stayed there for the entire evening. And then I never spoke to my girlfriend again.

Also, it was Valentine's Day. Because I'm just that classy. So, yeah, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I definitely knew at that point. Except I've had two other girlfriends since then.

Did you know that this is officially the longest email I've ever written? I'm not even kidding. You may actually be the only person who gets more than 140 characters from me. That's kind of awesome, right?

Anyway, I think I'll sign off here. Not going to lie. It's kind of been a weird day.

~Jaquez

Wow. I'm the only one. That means he must like me too. I mean you don't write long emails to people that annoy you, right? Yeah. Of cores. He likes me! YAY!

I'm the only one? That's defiantly kind of awesome. I'm really horned, Jaquez. Its funny, because I don't really email either. And I never talk about this stuff with anyone. Only you.

For what it's worth, I think it would have been incredibly depressing if your actual proudest moment happened in middle school. You can't imagine how much I hated middle school. Remember the way people would look at you blankly and say, "Um okaaay." After you finished talking? Everyone just had to make it clear that, whatever you were thinking or feeling, you were totally alone. The worst part, of course, was that I did the same thing to other people. It makes me a little nauseated just remembering that.

S, basically, what I'm trying to say is that you should really give yourself a break. We were all awful then.

To answer your question, I've seen him a couple of times since the wedding probably twice a year or so. My stepmother seems to have a lot of family reunions and things. He's married and I think his wife is pregnant now. It's not awkward, exactly, because the whole thing was in my head. It's really amazing, isn't it? Someone can trigger your sexual identity crisis and not have a clue they're doing it. Honestly, he probably still thinks of me as his cousin's weird twelve-year-old stepson.

So, I guess this is the obvious question, but I'll ask it anyway: If you knew you were gay, how did you end up having a girlfriend?

Sorry about your weird day.

~Blue

Blue,

Yup, the dreaded "okaaay." Always accompanied by arched eyebrows and a mouth twisted into a condescending little butthole. And yes, I said it, too. We all sucked so much in middle school. I guess the girlfriend thing is a little hard to explain.

Everything just sort of happened. The eighth-grade relationship was a total mess, obviously, so that was different. As for the other two: basically, they were friends, and then I found out they liked me, and then we started dating. And then we broke up, and both of them dumped me, and it was al pretty painless. I'm still friends with the girl I dated freshman year.

Honestly though? I think the real reason I had girlfriends was that I didn't one hundred presents believe I was gay. Or maybe I didn't think it was permanent.

I know your probably thinking: "Okaaaaaaay."

~Jaquez